[anonymousasker]

A bit embarrassed to talk about this with anyone I know so hopefully y'all have some advice. My fiancé and I have been together 6 years. We're best friends and I love her more than words. Sorry for the lengthy post.. I figured you need all the information to be able to give a response. Thanks!

We were 18 when we started dating and she is the only partner I've ever had. She's been with two other people and I've heard some crazy stories about her past. I have absolutely no problem with it, actually it turns me on. But now it's like pulling teeth to get her turned on. I have talked with her as openly and inoffensively as possible about the issue. We've almost broken up over it a couple of times but she always gives me an excuse and promises she's attracted to me and we have crazy make up sex... then it's back to normal.

I pull out ALL the stops. I take her to nice dinners, vacations, sweet talk her, surprise her with gifts and offer complete emotional support. I'm working like a DOG 70 hours a week so we can have a great honeymoon/future and still find alone time to spend with her. She does do my laundry, makes me lunch every morning and she's very nurturing and loving. It's like everything is perfect in our relationship except the sex.

Lately, she has started to act like a goody two shoes around everybody.. like a little homemaker. Actually, she's turned into a bit of a prude. She's also gotten increasingly religious, which I think has a lot to do with it. I keep hoping it will change once we're married and it's okay to her under Gods' eyes but damn, what a risky move. What if it doesn't change? We just went on vacation with some friends and had an amazing condo with our own room and I had to basically beg her to have sex.. to the point where I didn't even enjoy it. This past week, I've been so irritated I can barely even talk to her.

I'm worried if sex is bad now just wait until kids! When I try to flirt with her I pretty much get denied. She'll just say she's not in the mood. But she acts like she's so in love with me and wants to spend the rest of our life together. Is she just excited to get married to someone, ANYONE, because she's been dreaming of it since she was little? I'm sick of always being the initiator, always making the effort in our sex life. I can't remember the last time she bought something sexy and surprised me. We're so invested in each others' lives at this point. My family LOVES her and her family loves me but they don't see this side of the relationship. I'm running out of options. If I can't fix the problem, how do I explain the break up to friends and family? Alas, I can't imagine life without her.

Feeling pretty down.

[Gemini54]

My advice - TALK TO HER.

You want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Marry, have kids, grow old together?

Talk to her! Tell her that you're concerned. Ask her what she's thinking. Have a conversation about your hopes and fears. Believe me, if it's like this BEFORE marriage, it will be awful after marriage. Things don't change unless you take the initiative and make them change.

You may be right. She may just want the ring on the finger and the 'Mrs' in front of her name. In that case you should run and not look back. However, if there is something that is wrong and you can talk about it - then talk.

The other thing that I might add, is that you're doing too much. You're the one making all the effort (according to you, anyway). So, back off a bit. Allow her the space to make some effort - she may be too comfortable and think that it's OK not to have sex, not to please you, not to make an effort.

In any case, without communication, there is no relationship, regardless of how much you love her.

[redhed35]

Gemini has made excellent suggestions,the only thing I can think of to add,is perhaps a session or two with a couples councillor BEFORE the wedding...

It might help you both iron out any underlining issues...

It might seem a little over the top,but the benefits out weight the negatives..

If she is loooking for the best marriage possible,maybe this suggestion will be the wake up call she needs.

[Catsmine]

If she is growing religious you may have to face the possibility that she is growing away from you. Some people cannot reconcile a relationship with God and a mate.

She may simply be trying to put her past behind her before she becomes "respectable."

You really need to let her tell you how she's growing, what she's growing towards, what she's growing away from, what she wants to grow into.

[Soulbeliever666]

Well you need to tell her how you feel if you don't tell her how you feel how will she ever know do it when everything is carm and relaxed sit her down and just open up and get her to open up to you too. A couples councillor might be a good idea but you have to start with talking to her first before you get anywhere.

[Jake2008]

I had a friend once, who decided that she wished to regain her faith, and live a religious life. She changed so much I didn't know her anymore. She became a dutiful wife, and totally volunteered her time to 'helping' everybody. She was driven and eventually became a different person.

I actually went and spoke with a priest about her, and he said there was nothing I could do, and that I had lost her. This goody two shoes and prudish attitude you are seeing may be masking more than a lack of desire to have sex, which, to some very religious people, is a sin before marriage. And after marriage, it is a duty and nothing more.

What you see as perfect, with her doing your laundry and fixing your lunch, may also be signs that she is becoming more in tune with new found religious values. This will affect everything about her if it's part of this, from child rearing to friendships and socializing.

I think the only way you are really going to know what is causing the changes, including the lack of sex, is to seek out a mediator or counsellor to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps all the changes you see are only symptomatic of a bigger problem.



I can't help but think that this change you are seeing now, isn't the start of something more.

[Cat1864]

You seem to be caught up in a past that she is trying to move forward from. You don't like 'begging'. Do you think she enjoys being coerced into having sex?

Has she tried saying that she wants to wait until marriage? That she doesn't want to take the chance of having children before the wedding vows are spoken or be visibly pregnant in her gown? That she would prefer a great honeymoon to paying doctor/hospital bills?

Does she try to show her love and affection by other means than sex (such as cuddling or hand-holding)? Do you show her any affection when you aren't expecting sex?

Have you set a date for the wedding?