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fiestyone · Dec 10, 2009, 04:59 PM

Okay, met this cool guy at a party about 6yrs. Ago. He always remember me but I never quite remembered him until he'd explain how we met. It wasn't until much later that I realized one day this guy is a good guy and I'd like to get to know him better. So I pursued him by asking him out but made sure it was under friendly terms, as I am not good with asking guys out. So he comes out with me a lot but neither of us ever say that we like the other, but it was obvious. And I didn't know if he just saw me as a friend so I didn't push. Fast forward, finally after us not hanging out anymore, I tell him I liked him and we had the talk. Turns out he liked me too but was not sure if he should make a move cause he said I put him in the 'friend zone'. I HATE MYSELf FOR BeING SO SHY!! Anyhow, it's too late now cause he's back in his "yo yo" relationship with some girl he's been dealing with. So we agreed to be friends and that was okay with me, I respect people's relationship and don't interfere.It was just the biggest heartbreak I ever had in my life. I hate that I am so shy and that he way too. So now we aren't even friends like how we were once before. It's like it was so much better and more relaxed when we never told each other we liked each other. How can I avoid this in the future? And can I get my friend back? I feel like he just hates me now.

talaniman · Dec 10, 2009, 05:43 PM

Leave him alone, as I suspect he was distracted by his ex any way. Don't blame yourself, you just picked the wrong guy that time. Happens to all of us.

Stringer · Dec 10, 2009, 06:31 PM

What Tal told you ^^^^.

You should possibly start working on going after things that you want... things you want will not usually beat a path to your door. Work on being more self assured, self confident, saying what you really mean and again, asking for what you want.

Gemini54 · Dec 10, 2009, 06:54 PM

No point in crying over split milk. Wrong guy, wrong place, wrong time.

The 'Ex issue' was always in the background anyway, so you didn't stand a chance.

I think that you can only be who you are. Sure, it's good to work on your confidence and make an effort to say what you want - but in this case, even if you had, would the outcome have been any different?

You seem to have acted from a place of consideration and respect for his feelings and the situation. I think that this is a good quality, not one to hate yourself for.

Be yourself - you sound like a sensitive person, even if you hate being shy. In any case, I'm sure he doesn't hate you, he just has other things on his mind. Perhaps in a couple of months you can ring him and ask how things are going.

Don't beat yourself up for being yourself, and just accept that sometimes things don't go the way we'd like them to.

fiestyone · Dec 10, 2009, 08:04 PM

@ Tal - thanks for your input.
@ Gemini - to answer your question 'if I had would things have been any different'? ---good question, looking back on it I can't say it would have really. Given that he was in a 'yo yo' relationship of on again off again with this girl. Funny thing is I've seen him out with other girls, so maybe he's just not into commitment but rather what he wants to do. I know he was once married not sure what happened in that relationship but it ended. He seemed real career oriented.
@everyone - yeah it was the wrong time, wrong guy, wrong everything I guess. Funny thing is he told me he was interested and that I was a good catch, and that timing is everything. You guys think that's a player move?

fiestyone · Dec 10, 2009, 08:20 PM

@ Gemini, once me and this guy had to work together on a project, this was months later. And he totally avoided me and turned things around on me like things were my fault. And you are right I am sensitive. That really hurt my feelings, I never done anything like that to him. When I stood up for myself he couldn't even face me and tell me why he was angry. It really baffled me a lot. That's what I mean when I say , I really missed it when we just friends and never tried to like each other. I know I am reaching out now cause my heart hurts a lot behind this.

Gemini54 · Dec 10, 2009, 10:26 PM

Originally Posted by fiestyone

@ Gemini, once me and this guy had to work together on a project, this was months later. And he totally avoided me and turned things around on me like things were my fault. and you are right i am sensitive. that really hurt my feelings, i never done anything like that to him. when i stood up for myself he couldn't even face me and tell me why he was angry. it really baffled me a lot. that's what i mean when i say , i really missed it when we just friends and never tried to like each other. i know i am reaching out now cause my heart hurts a lot behind this.

Yep. It's hard when things change. Your heart hurts now, but your mind knows you need to let him go. In the end he's probably doing you a favor!

LJDK · Dec 11, 2009, 04:29 AM

The friend zone is a place I almost ended up once. Thing is, as a man once you are in the friend zone chances of moving to the romantic zone is slim to none. At least in some of our male minds.

If you wanted him you should have just made a move. You have 2 options. Ask him out again, then tell him you cannot be his friend anymore. You want to be more.

It will force his hand. Probably not good advise but its all I have. Take a chance, what are you going to lose? You already said your friendship isn't the same anymore.

If you want something serious, and there is this suspicion that he might be a player, lay it out on the table on your 1st romantic date. You are not intrested in casual flings etc.

Good luck, hope it works out for you. If it doesn't, there are millions other good guys out there.

fiestyone · Dec 11, 2009, 11:14 AM

@LJDK - thanks for your tip. I will have to wait this one out and kind of see now not the best time to jump. And he may be a dude that always breaks up with his ex then gets back with her. Don't want to get caught in that.
I had a date last night with another handsome guy. He asked me out, I've known him for a year. I enjoyed his conversation, he's smart and good conversationalist. He knows what he wants in life and is legitimately single and unattached. The other guy is single but he still attached cause of his 'yo yo' relationship and those are hard to break away from according to people who have gone through it. So I've moved on, though my heart is broken but I am glad I am able to open myself up to other guys who are good guys.

fiestyone · Dec 11, 2009, 11:34 AM

@LJDK - how did you avoid being put in the "friend zone"? I only put him in the "friend zone" because I thought he wasn't interested in me cause he never made a move. So that was my defense, as to not look stupid. But he went out with me so much I figured he liked me but I didn't know how much or in what way. By the time I got around to telling him, that's when it was too late and I found out he liked me a lot too. Yet he never made a move either.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2009, 11:38 AM

I don't care what he says in hindsight, the fact he didn't make a move is telling, he liked you, but not enough to forget the ex, and take a chance. That's not a lot of like to me.

Gemini54 · Dec 11, 2009, 04:08 PM

This is an interesting question when we connect it to your other question about married men hitting on you all the time.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2125300

So the men you don't want hit on you, and the men you do want are either 'attached' or don't make the first move.

What's going on here? Something about the signals that you give out? Something about the men that you choose? Something about your lack of assertiveness in various areas of your life?

There is a pattern here and it might be worth reflecting on.