[mathew1982]

I met my fiancé about 3 years ago through a friend whilst on a night out - nothing happened but we got on very well. Over the next year we became quite good friends, she'd met a boyfriend and left him during the year, although this had nothing to do with me. When she was single again, we bumped into each other by chance, we got together and have been very happy together ever since.

When things started getting serious, she started saving for a house we could one day buy together. She moved into my house after about a year, and in April this year I asked her to marry me. When I asked her, I was overwhelmed by how happy she was. She immediately started making plans for the wedding, and I was more than happy to get involved with it, and all the while things were perfect.

In June this year she was made redundant, which wasn't really an issue as I earn enough to keep us safe and secure at home. She started a new job in August this year, and things were still going brilliant, although I could tell how tired she was getting from her new job.

After a couple of months she'd settled in at work, and I noticed her social life took off. She started going to the pub after work some times, and on one occasion it was just her and a guy called David. At the time, I didn't see the harm as I trust her. Things didn't stop here though. She's been on nights out drinking with just her and him and nights out with work people. I do feel a bit jealous but like I said, I trust her and I really believe she'd never be unfaithful.

The background about her is that she was always in a serious relationship when she was younger and never really had time to go out meet all the wrong people like I did. She's 26 and I'm 27.

When I decided to talk to her about it and how it was becoming a problem for me, she said she'd cool it with the David guy. Now this wasn't really what I meant - I could feel the distance between us growing and see her life changing without me being involved and it was bothering me. When we got talking furhter about our problem, she told that she's feeling doubts about the wedding - more specifically, doubts that she doesn't want to make any mistake in marrying me as she only wants to do it once. She has said that she doesn't want to marry me only to realise a few years later that she's made a mistake. She's also said that she feels like she could do with pausing our life, go off and enjoy herself for a bit then come back to me. I've asked her if she means she wants to be out on the pull and meeting guys, and she said that's not what she means and that's the last thing she wants to do.

I feel very confused and hurt by it all, but I do admire her honesty. Part of me feels like walking away as I don't deserve to feel like this, but the other part of me says hang on to her and wait until she's the one who calls the end - that way I'll be able to look back and know that I did everything I could to try and make it work. I suppose the other reason I want to hang on is that I hope one day she just wakes up and realises she wants to stay with me forever.

I've told her to explore her feelings and speak to people about how she's feeling, friends, parents, etc.

I'd be really grateful for any advice, or to hear other peoples experiences of these things.

Thanks.

[bjohnrupp]

Hey Matt- I was also engaged this year and my ex broke up with me not too long ago. Ok it sounds to me like she may very well have feelings now for this guy David. I think you were wayy too trusting with letting her go out to the bar with him when you were sitting home. I know you said you trust her but where there's smoke there's fire.

There's only one thing you can do right now and I know you don't want to hear it- NO CONTACT all the way.

It definitely sounds to me like she's letting you down easy.Of course she's going to say she doesn't want to go out and meet other guys- she doesn't want you to think bad of her since she was your fiancé. My now ex fiancé said the same thing but girls don't leave to be alone so I do think David is already who's she wants. If not him maybe another guy. But my point is that if you start no contact immediately and ignore all her texts, calls, IM's, delete her from Facebook and don't look at her Twitter. You need to immediately make her (possibly) miss you. However if she's totally done with you (as my ex-fiance was) then she won't miss you and will be happy you disappeared so easily.

Don't say you admire her honesty! She's not being very fair to you at all and is only trying to weasel her way out of this relationship.

I know you want to possibly hold out until she "officially" ends it but save yourself a lot of heartache/grief and start moving on now and see what her true intentions are.

The mistake you made was letting her go out basically on dates with this other guy. She took advantage of your trustworthiness. Unless he's an old family friend or someone she knew from when she was a little girl you should not have been OK with this.

So just consider this relationship just about over as she should have no doubts and I'm sorry to say things don't look good. Go no contact all the way and don't take her back unless she shows through her actions that she wants you back. Godd luck man.

[talaniman]

If she is unsure of her future with you, and wants a break, make sure she moves out, and takes all the break she needs.

It's a mistake many of us make, trying to hold on to someone who wants you to let them go.

Let her go do her thing, while you do yours, is what I would tell her, and live somewhere else. None of this room mate crap while she is on a break.

Then time will tell where her head is really at.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule-Room mates pay their share of the expenses.

Talaniman rule- When you take a break, get somewhere to live on your own, so you can do your thing.

Talaniman Rule-A break has no strings attached, and make sure of that.

Don't break any of these rules my friend.

[mathew1982]

I hear what everyone is saying, thanks.

I'm not convinced she's cheated, but it's not beyond any kind person to discover feelings for someone else. And that is a possibility, that she might feel something for someone else and doesn't know whether to leave me and act on her feeling or feels so terrible that she is thinking of leaving.

I need to think about this really, I'm prepared to leave if I'm not happy but I need to think about it first and I'm not going to be able to do that under the same roof as her.

[bjohnrupp]

Well were not saying she definitely cheated/has been cheating... however she's showing that her feelings have changed and right now the relationship is on life support.

Yes you definitely have a lot to think about but you need to protect yourself first. Try to find somewhere else that you can live and start no contact immediately. She doesn't deserve to have her cake and eat it right now.

[talaniman]

I said nothing of cheating, but the fact she wants a break for whatever reason, and is not willing to work with you to resolve the issues she has, is the point.

She may want a break, but you better stand up for yourself, and have your input, and define your boundaries, such as somebody has to move etc, and accept no unreasonable restrictions from her, such as you pay the bills because you make more money etc.

A break is fine, if that's what she wants, but she doesn't get a free ride or keep her girlfriend privileges. See my point?

Its strictly business, cry later after you handle your business