[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

I know you're all going to say I'm crazy, but my ex girlfriend cheated on me and I still want her back! I always liked this girl. After many years of friendship we hooked up. She suffers from depression and so at times things weren't always easy, but we got on great most of the time. At first, I found it quite hard to be in a serious relationship, but eventually I became much more relaxed. We had been going out for two years when she went to Florida for a holiday, and I found out that she had cheated on me with another guy. At first she denied it, but then said that she had 'liked' someone, and kissed them. The day before she went away, she had been telling me how much she loved me and how she couldn't wait to get back to see me. When we broke up, she was really confused and said she needed space. I was calm and told her that we should leave it and she'd be fine without me. Later that evening, she called me and told me that she really wanted to be with me and didn't want to make a horrible mistake. I was confused too, and still in shock not thinking rationally, and justified her actions in my mind as a drunken mistake (I'm not a kid-I know more could have gone on than what she told me). Anyway, she began to act really cold like she didn't give a damn, and even sounded annoyed once when I called her. I was really hurting by the betrayal, so this was very tough especially as she was the love of my life, and it's always difficult when someone you think you know so well acts like that. I tried to break up with her again, but she started crying saying she knew what she wanted, she wanted me etc. I knew that she didn't by the way she was acting-please trust me on this. She only showed any remorse when she thought she might lose me. She was scared of losing me, but keeping me hanging was just selfish. Anyway, eventually I saw photos of her and this guy. They looked like boyfriend and girlfriend in every picture, so it obviously wasn't just a drunken kiss-it was spread over days. So, I finally came to my senses and thought screw this, I have to get my respect and dignity back so I told her that it's over, and please don't contact me. I didn't hear anything for about a month, in which time I went on vacation a few times, and relaxed but was still very down about things. Then I got a message saying that she missed me all the time. This made me feel better in a sense, but at the same time, I just thought what a selfish . My problem is that she never showed any remorse, or tried to make amends in anyway. I'm very forgiving, but it really didn't seem like she gave me any option to break up with her. She called me the other day (after about 3 months), and asked me questions about everything-she's obviously curious as to why I haven't contacted her. I'm not an idiot-I think she saw me as safe, in that I would always be there for her even when we were broken up. The problem is I still think about her everyday, and I really am itching to contact her as I'm definitely not over her. I know the best thing to do is to wait, and if she comes back it is meant to be, but I'm scared that because of the way I have acted (like I didn't give a damn), that may mean I'll lose her forever. Sorry for the length, but any advice would be massively appreciated. Thanks.

[amicon]

You're possibly her backup plan and why hang around for that? This is over,and your better off accepting that and get your life back by staying no contact and moving forward with your own life.

[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

Thank you. I would be saying the same thing if I was reading this post and someone else had written it, but it's hard to let go when you're in the situation yourself

She's cheated before with people she was in love with and she'll probably do it again. She is extremely insecure and I think she's way to immature and selfish to be in a serious relationship with. She always said she hated herself, and I keep thinking that maybe she did what she did because she thinks that anyone who loves her is a fool. She was so much more into me when I wasn't so in love with her. She's also got abandonment issues and so isn't there a chance she pushes people away before they can do the same? I know this sounds like excuses, but can't stop thinking they are possibilities...

[artlady]

From your post it almost sounds like you are the one who did something wrong here.She was the one who cheated and yet you sound like the guilty party.

She had a cavalier attitude about the cheating and no remorse so why would you want to go back to that kind of disrespect and obvious disregard for your feelings?

Saying she misses you is not a declaration of love.It only means you answered some need in her that is no longer being met.She probably misses the fact that she has you wrapped around her little finger.

So, I finally came to my senses and thought screw this, I have to get my respect and dignity back

Now you are willing to sacrifice your dignity all over again.That makes no sense.

As an aside,suffering from depression is no excuse for bad behavior.

You sound like you want convincing that you should resume this one sided relationship and I don't think you will get too much support for that here.

Move on and find someone who truly respects you and honors their commitment to you.

[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

I appreciate your advice and I do agree with you. There is just this other voice in my head saying, 'what if this is the exception'! I'm not planning on contacting her, and I will not be her friend after this because it will be way to hard on me, but what do I do when she next calls? Ignore her? I know I probably should, but it's not what I want...

Additionally, I agree regarding your point about depression. I bit my tongue and didn't react to so many things because I used her depression as an excuse. For example, depression is know to make you self centered/selfish, so I wouldn't expect much from her, and would give give give, while she would just take... Big mistake-she obviously slowely lost her respect for me but frustrating when I know I was only thinking of her.

[talaniman]

Hope you had fun while it lasted, but I really don't see (read) that your heart is in it. I would take the time to leave her alone for a long while, because I think when the dust settles, you would rather be over her, and be single, and free, to find your happiness elsewhere.

[artlady]

but what do I do when she next calls? Ignore her? I know I probably should, but it's not what I want...

I would tell her that you are not going to allow your emotions to get in the way of your good judgment and your good judgment is telling you that pursuing a relationship with her will only hurt you in the end.
Then go the No Contact route because you are too emotionally invested right now to even consider being friends
I know you are conflicted but she is clearly not ready ,willing or able to be in a healthy committed relationship.
Wishing it were so does not change the facts.Sorry.

[amicon]

Ignore all communication from her- that way you will get over her. I think most of us have thought our situation was the exception at one point or another-sadly,in my experience I have yet to see any exceptions.

[dreamingartist]

Don't even reply. Don't answer. If she calls from another number and you pick up, just hang up immediately.. there is no reason to even tell her anything, just do it. There is no exception here.. You will learn to love someone else. It's up to you to decide when to move on, stop wasting your time and MOVE ON. I dated a girl for 8 years. Everyday I get a little bit more distant from her. I am at the point where I saw her in public and did everything possible to not let her see me and avoid her all together. It's a sad say when you go from someone who was your best friend for almost a decade to being your worst enemy. Move on, and be thankful that you didn't waste as much time as I did.

[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

Thank you for your advice. It's just driving me crazy thinking about her every damn day. I'm a rational person, but sense seems to go out the window in these situations. It's such a shame to lose someone I was so happy with let alone someone that I have been friends with for over a decade. We've shared so much, and been through so much together, and I was always there for her which makes her infidelity so much more of a betrayal. Despite the fact that you all speak perfect sense, I can't stop wanting to somehow make it work, even though I know that even if we did get back together it would probably be doomed to failure. How long is this going to take before I can forget about her-it is hugely distracting and debilitating!

[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

dreamingartist-how long did it take for you to get over the girl you dated for 8 years?

artlady, thank you for your advice on what to say if she calls and I did pickup. I think it's probably better not to pick up at all because that just puts you back to square one but in a way I'd like to tell her what you suggested saying...
Immediately after we broke up, I went on vacation and met a really stunning blonde girl. My ex is a petite blond, but I think this one was slightly better looking. I knew it would really hurt her seeing me with a pretty girl so soon after we broke up and I was really lame in that I put the photos up on Facebook which I knew she would see. In a way, this made me feel better as it was like I was punishing her like she had punished me, but I also know how immature it was, and how I had an ulterior motive in that I wanted her to see that I didn't need her, and could do better which might make her think twice... GAMES-I never used to play them but feel like I'm getting sucked in...

[dreamingartist]

I will never truly get over who she "was" but I have gotten over who she became. Every once in a while I think about the times we use to share.. we shared A lot of wonderful times in those 8 years... but that girl is gone, she has grown up (from 20 to 30) and in those years she has changed into someone that I do not want to be with in the future. If we had a time machine, I would go back in time 10 years and relive the first 2, but we don't. So it took me 8 months or so to get over the new person and it may take longer to get over the old. I am happily dating a new girl who I would love to marry one day (we've known each other for 2 years and dated for 3 months) She is a complete 180 from my X. They aren't comparable. After the first X you learn what you don't want and learn what you do want.

[girlsmakeyoucrazy]

8 years is a long time-I should consider myself lucky I suppose. Good advice-it does feel like I won't find anyone as good at the moment, but I know this probably isn't true... Problem is that these things zap your confidence, especially when you were the one who didn't see a problem and were very happy...

[dreamingartist]

My ego was blown pretty hard because I broke up with my X and she ended up dating a guy who was the age of her dad, and hideously ugly (bald, bad twisted nose, tons of money). It made me feel like if she could love a guy and sleep with a guy who was hideous and rich then what does that make me worth? Was I only her BF cause I was good looking and she wanted arm candy? etc. You feel hurt, betrayed, devistated that someone could be with you so long and then move on like its no big deal. But the fact is she is filling a void in her life, and its none of my business anymore. Let her date whoever she wants, Focus on the reality that I choose not to be with her because I need what is best for me. You miss the love, but what kind of quality of love is it? Is cheating on you love? Is manipulating you, making you feel like its your fault love? Keep reminding yourself that she showed you how she loved you by actions... words are cheap, actions speak louder than words.

[Jumping_Spider]

This just happened to me on Valentines. I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me for the last two years, and I still want her back so badly :[ I know it isn't what I should do, but I can't help but want to call her.