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paxe · Dec 6, 2009, 01:08 PM

Actually, by giving yourself a year you won't have to worry about finding a girl. Also by giving you time you will appreciate being single and being in control of your own life, so that next relationship won't go as bad and you'll learn how to behave, especially during a break up. You'll grow more wise, you'll be bound to be closer to your friends, and you will appreciate life much better.

My question is: Why do you "need" a girlfriend? If your answer is that you don't need one, then why is one year that long?

A4Effort · Dec 6, 2009, 01:19 PM

Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship. When I came to college I decided to enter a relationship. That is exactly what happened. 2 years later I broke up, and now I am a junior. I just want to date around and meet other girls to find out if what I want is truly what I want. I just want to explore. I had a long time to be single.

paxe · Dec 6, 2009, 01:22 PM

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

A4Effort · Dec 6, 2009, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

I agree with you 100%. I do need more self-control.

talaniman · Dec 6, 2009, 03:38 PM

Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship.

I think once you heal fully, you'll get your groove back.

bswc · Dec 6, 2009, 11:49 PM

A4, guessed u jumped in real quickly, from seeing you suffering from the suffer and confusion of relationship, then out of no where you're dating again, its painful to love for your condition now, take some rest, you'll pay the price but the girls will still be there anyway. That's a 3rd person view, its time to heal again.

A4Effort · Dec 7, 2009, 10:21 AM

Ok so yesterday we met again to "finalize" the break up. After we did this I walked her home because it was dark and late. On our way home she wanted to go to a near by playground to think things through before going back home. It was midnight and the playground was secluded behind a school. I did not feel like she would be safe there alone so I went with her there.

From there the night went crazy. She admitted to me the secrets she would not tell me before. She told me how at age six her babysitter took sexually assaulted her. She said that it was all her fault because she did not say stop. This incident has caused her to do drugs, to drink until she blacks out, to feel insecure, introverted, cut herself, etc... She was crying and kept on blaming herself. To this day she has not told this to a therapist, parents, anyone besides one of her ex's and me. She said that I was the first boy in a very long time that she allowed to be physical with.

I tried so hard to tell her that it was not her fault. I told her how she cannot make a decision at age six to tell an older person to stop. I told her how at age six one doesn't know what sex even is. I talked and talked to her about this for a long time. I pleaded with her to talk to a professional because otherwise this will remain with her for the rest of her life. I told her how alcohol and drugs are only a short term solution and it only suppresses the problem instead of solves it. She told me how she will most likely go back to her ex who is a bad influence on her. He is a drug addict and drinks a lot. She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.

I feel like because I broke up with this girl. She finally in a long time felt like she could date a man who genuine and a great match for her. I broke up with her thinking that she was just a typical college girl who "works hard and plays hard". Now I know why she does all these things.

I told her that I will be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. I will be hanging out with her more tonight to talk further about this. We have decided to remain friends and hopefully I will be able to help her get enough courage to talk to a professional.

What do I do? I feel terrible.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2009, 10:50 AM

She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.

So you think your going to save this patient, huh! You know what she needs?? I don't think so. Don't get sucked into that emotional trap, and think your going to fix her.

Back up, and think a bit before you act.

amicon · Dec 7, 2009, 10:56 AM

AE- she needs to see a therapist,and get professional help. She can't carry that awful abuse around forever so that's what you should suggest.
She should also tell her parents.

glenboy123 · Dec 7, 2009, 11:39 AM

If true, certainly explains her sometimes self destructive lifestyle choices.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2009, 11:50 AM

You can lead a horse to water, but..

She has to want help, to get help. Your in over your head here.

paxe · Dec 7, 2009, 12:06 PM

I'm all for helping people ( I volunteer a lot ), but she seems to try and control you. The thing is, personally, I have a hard time saying no to someone when they need help, it's my own weakness. For you though, I would say, stay friends with precaution, especially you.
I knew people who were also sexually assaulted when they were younger and they didn't turn to drugs to get better. She also needs to want to get better herself and not use this excuse to **** up her future.

jmw0713 · Dec 7, 2009, 12:19 PM

Sounds very manipulative, but...

The best help you can offer her is to encourage her to seek counseling. Let the pro's help her. You can be there to support her as a friend, but as a friend there is only some much you can do.

You can lead a horse to water, but..

You can't make them drink.

There comes a time when people have to wake up and help themselves. Not one person on this planet can help her straighten up unless she wants to herself.

Be there as a friend, but make sure you don't get in to deep that you can't escape.

I'll give you an example of a situation I'm going through. A buddy of mine is a textbook alcoholic. He drinks from the time he wakes up, till the time he goes to sleep. Years ago, I noticed this and tried to get him to seek help. I've even refused to buy alcohol for him or hang out with him, until he straightens up. He's been arrested multiple times, each related to alcohol in some way. His relationships fail because the girls he dates get sick of his alcoholism.

He's been to numerous AA meetings and was at one time sober for a year, but then slipped up. I have stopped trying to help him. Now I just except that this is the way he is and that if he is going to get better, he has to do it on his own.

A4Effort · Dec 7, 2009, 02:30 PM

Thank you for all the insightful replies. I agree with you all that I should not get sucked in too deep into this. I just feel like there is nobody there right now to push her into the right direction and she cannot do it herself at this time. I am not looking to fix her because I myself do not know the proper way to do this. But, I do want to be there for her, and slowly lead her into the right direction which I believe to be therapy. But I cannot just let a person like that go.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2009, 05:28 PM

Isn't this the same problem you had before? Not knowing when to let go??

Amazing how we repeat things until we learn. AE, trust me, she is not as helpless, and lost as she seems.

Frankly, she is very capable of making choices and getting what she wants from you. Heck, your still there after YOU dumped HER. How helpless is that?

A4Effort · Dec 7, 2009, 05:46 PM

So I should just let her go and watch her as she continues to harm herself?

It doesn't seem like she is willing to find help and nobody besides 2 people know her problem. How will she make a conscious decision to take a step towards healing herself?

paxe · Dec 7, 2009, 06:00 PM

My take is to be very prudent if you want to stay friend and don't get manipulated. You can help her but be conscious about it. The mere action of helping is good, some people actually need a little push to get over drugs or other problems.

bswc · Dec 7, 2009, 06:44 PM

I don't think both of you can move on or do any help in this situation you put yourself in, get her to talk to her parents/therapist about it and there u shall step back to your own life.. You have a problem to solve too, not just her, but u don't need her to solve your problems.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2009, 06:46 PM

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapist- you can barely help yourself.
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right,
Your not qualified to help her
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Come on guy, think.

A4Effort · Dec 7, 2009, 10:11 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapis- you can barely help yourself. Awww :eek::D
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right, What do you mean by this?

Your not qualified to help her Very true.
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast. True too I think.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm!! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Wow! I would have never thought of it this way. Thanks for breaking it down.

Come on guy, think.

Does everyone else agree with this, that I should take care of myself and let her go?