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talaniman · Mar 16, 2009, 09:10 AM

Am I some sadomasochist?

Nothing so dramatic, just a normal human male, learning to overcome the influence and attraction of a female. Your trying, just keep trying.

coyne740 · Mar 16, 2009, 11:04 AM

She said something to me that really hurt. We were together for 4 years, give or take, and she told me that I was her 2nd love. The myspace guy (who she just met in person for the first time Saturday) is her first. How is this possible? Can someone please just tell me that she is crazy and I need to move on? I mean, he has a girlfriend that he lives with, he's 10 years older than her with no visible goals in life. He is just a musician and poet, a spiritual guy (she says), and what I couldn't give her at the time. I am insane over this.

neverme · Mar 16, 2009, 11:06 AM

You need to move on. Her mental status and anything else concerning her is no longer your problem.

Stop talking to her, it only prolongs the pain.

Romefalls19 · Mar 16, 2009, 11:08 AM

Stop talking to her! Stop talking to her! Stop talking to her

This is what I want you to do in checklist form for you

- Delete her as a friend on whatever social networking site you may have
- Delete her phone number!
- Put anything that reminds you of her in a box and tuck it away
- Leave the sappy love songs in your music library and put some nice angry rock in your Ipod
- Join a gym
- Take up a new hobby
- Talk to ONE new person EVERYDAY for 3 weeks

When you have done that, come back and tell me how much better you feel

coyne740 · Mar 16, 2009, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Stop talking to her! Stop talking to her! Stop talking to her

This is what I want you to do in checklist form for you

- Delete her as a friend on whatever social networking site you may have
- Delete her phone number!
- Put anything that reminds you of her in a box and tuck it away
- Leave the sappy love songs in your music library and put some nice angry rock in your Ipod
- Join a gym
- Take up a new hobby
- Talk to ONE new person EVERYDAY for 3 weeks

When you have done that, come back and tell me how much better you feel

She is deleted from all social media sites
She is deleted from my phone. I have her number memorized though, damn good memory
I did that as well.
System of a Down is my friend
I am in the best shape of my life right now, I have worked out more than I imagined.
I am writing. I haven't written in years.
The last one is tough man, I live in a small town in WV. I work long hours. It's very tough to meet people.

neverme · Mar 16, 2009, 11:24 AM

Organise a work night out?

There must be people there that you don't know as well as you could.

It doesn't have to be romantic, just new people!

tiff333 · Mar 16, 2009, 11:28 AM

Give her time and space to breath. If she loves you, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then it may have been a 1 way

coyne740 · Mar 16, 2009, 06:13 PM

Originally Posted by tiff333

Give her time and space to breath. if she loves you, she'll come around. if she dosent, then it may have been a 1 way

More complicated than what you quoted. I have been good so far today with NC. She texted me a couple of times and I didn't say anything back, so that's a step, right? She said I had always been a good friend. That's nice after 3 1/2 years. What she said has made me want to not contact her even more. I could have some choice words, but I like to think I am bigger than that.

jmw0713 · Mar 17, 2009, 05:43 AM

Just keep doing what you are doing. You are already making progress, even though you may not think so.

coyne740 · Apr 1, 2009, 06:46 PM

So.. back to day 2 of No Contact. She moved about 3 blocks away from me, and wanted to give me some of my stuff back, but "forgot" the rest at her old place and needs to wait for the weekend to get the rest to me. She saw me, said I lost a ton of weight and looked really good and that was it. I said her hair looked great (she said that the stylist did it bad) and was on my way. I feel like crap again, but I just need to soldier on.

She called me on Sunday night to talk about the series finale of Battlestar Galactica and went on about how talking to me was like talking to herself. I am so angry right now at myself for talking to her... but oh well, I have been going out, meeting people and not having any kind of expectations. I guess that's good, right?

jmw0713 · Apr 2, 2009, 06:29 AM

Yes, not having expectations when you meet people, especially women, is the best way to go about this.

If she is calling you, trying to "be friends", you need to tell her that she is not helping things and when your ready for a friendship with her, you will let her know... or something along those lines. She needs to understand that she is causing you pain by contacting you and that it needs to stop for the time being. I know you miss her, but you obviously still have feelings for her that she doesn't have for you. So you need to convey that to her and go back to doing what your doing... NC and meeting new people and expanding your circle of friends.

You're doing great. Don't let these minor set backs get you down.

coyne740 · Apr 2, 2009, 08:13 AM

And again this morning with two texts from her that asked why I told people that she left me for someone else (which she did in a roundabout way) and that it hurt her if I thought that way. I didn't answer them. I feel pretty good about that. I put her name in my phone as Kathleen Turner, so that I can laugh anytime I see it come up.

coyne740 · Dec 1, 2009, 07:57 AM

Threads merged

So... I have posted here before, some of you may remember me, some not. I recently dated a woman for about 2 months, and because of issues I had with the woman I dated for 4 years before her, could not get over trust issues (jealousy, accusations, the whole shebang). So, 2 month girl (we'll call her Jane for simplicity) started doing the common feminine thing of pushing me away when I became needy and clingy. 2 months isn't a long time, so I thought to myself, if she is doing this now and cannot man up and come clean, I don't want to be with her. So I broke it off (although she claims she did by pushing me away). She asked if it was a "forever" thing and I said I didn't know what the future held, she was moving an hour and a half away and if things were meant to work out, they would.

I moved to a new city (her old city) with a friend to be closer to work and partly to be closer to her, and in the meanwhile, she moved back home an hour and a half away. Now, she moved in with a male friend back home, she is not paying rent and she's 31. WARNING SIGNS. I realize this. I don't want to be with her, I don't want her back, but here is the deal. She keeps contacting me. Manipulation with the emotions. If I don't answer her texts or calls, I get "You're rude", "Hellooo???" or something of that sort. When I do answer back with a curt message "busy", "movies", etc. She doesn't contact immediately after, but will send a text later asking what I'm up to, and sometimes call.

Lately, she has been saying that I am going on dates when I tell her I'm busy, and getting jealous. I'm not. I am honestly trying to look at myself this time, instead of just going out and having fun like I did before. I have issues, I know that, and I need to work on them. I have told her this and that if she wants to be friends in the future, maybe that will work, but she cannot get jealous. I just want to be by myself for now.

I guess my question is... how do I get it through her thick skull that I need to work on me, I need her to stop with the jealous comments, and altogether bothering me, without being totally rude? A more adept way of handling it?

Devorameira · Dec 1, 2009, 08:02 AM

You can't make her skull any thinner, but you can stop communications with her and move on. She may call and text you, but you don't have to respond. If you're really serious, change your phone number. She can't call a number she doesn't have.

Just Looking · Dec 1, 2009, 08:07 AM

If you don't want to be with her and you don't want her back, stop responding to her. Every time you do, you encourage her to call or text again. I know you don't want to be rude, so just tell her ahead of time that you are not interested anymore and you won't be returning any of her calls/texts.

amicon · Dec 1, 2009, 08:17 AM

Tell her one last time that she's way out of line,and be very firm. Change your phonenumber if she doesn't stop.

talaniman · Dec 1, 2009, 08:33 AM

For the life of me I don't get why you focus so much on her, and what she is doing, instead on you. You already know how she is and that probably will never change, so stop taking her so seriously, and what she says so personally, and do your own thing.

If you can't then cut all contact with her, and do your own thing.

You don't get to complain, and not be willing to do something about it.

coyne740 · Dec 1, 2009, 11:25 AM

talaniman,
That's what I needed. Never really thought about it that way until I read what you posted and read the "WAAA" post I made. Thanks.

coyne740 · Jan 13, 2010, 06:44 AM

My ex and I only dated for 2 months. I'm 29, she is 31. In that time I moved to the town she was living in to be with her (about an hour from where I lived), and while I was visiting family, before I moved, she moved back to her hometown (about an hour and a half from where I was moving to). We broke up right before this, and kept in light contact (NC on my side). She started dating another guy about 2 weeks into December and is still with him. Sunday, she made a lame attempt at contacting me with problems with her iTunes program and needed help. I called her that night to talk to her about it and lo and behold, we talked about us. Well, she started saying how she thought about coming down to see me to see if our "spark" was still there. We talked Sunday and Monday night and last night, I went out with some co-workers and got home at about 11 PM.

I called her on my way home (her request) and talked for a bit, my phone died, she wanted me to call when I arrived home. I got home, called her from my other cell phone (the first died), and she didn't answer. I hopped on the computer, saw she was on AIM and asked her why she didn't answer. She said she was talking to her mom, I said I didn't believe her (it was 11 PM) and she was talking to her boyfriend. She told me that if I was going to do the insecurity stuff, to eff it (us reconciling) and that I was playing games. Well... she texted me and told me to call her, which I did and I explained that I wouldn't be insecure if she wasn't dating someone. She said she couldn't come down this weekend because she had a birthday party Friday and would probably be hungover Sat and didn't want to make the drive. I told her I was going to make plans with the person I am seeing for the weekend then (casual, other girl knows about the ex), and she told me to do that by all means.

I told her I didn't think we should talk until she was ready to see me, she said OK, and immediately when I got off the phone, she sent me a text saying that she was crazy about me, still is, but it isn't fair because she is dating and doesn't want to end anything going on until she sees if there is still a spark between us, we haven't seen each other in 2 months, etc. I said it's going to have to be either him or me, and she got mad about the ultimatum. Well, I called her, she said that I was being insecure me again, not the confident, strong person she had been talking to, and that I should probably not be talking to her. I agreed, told her that if she really cared, she would make every attempt to come down Saturday, and that we would talk later. She said she would call me Saturday and told me she missed me and that was that.

So... my question... should I drop this like a bad habit (all of you will probably say yes), or should I wait? Should I make other plans for the weekend? And if I do and she wants to see me Saturday, should I drop those plans for her?

kctiger · Jan 13, 2010, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by coyne740

So... my question... should I drop this like a bad habit (all of you will probably say yes), or should I wait? Should I make other plans for the weekend? And if I do and she wants to see me Saturday, should I drop those plans for her?

The short answer: YES

The long answer: this is a two month dating issue and she is dating another guy already. I find it a bit hard to believe you had already decided to move closer to her without getting to know each other more. Bottom line, there doesn't appear to be anything remotely close to love here, nor should there be considering the little time invested by either of you, and she is with another guy. To me it seems like a dead issue. So we now come back to the short answer: Yes. Sorry man, but this just isn't even remotely worth your time.

Why would you wait for your "ex" (have a really hard time calling her that after only dating her for two months) to decide if the current guy she is with is sparky enough for a relationship? I would make other plans, continue to make other plans and as for her, it is a dead issue. She shouldn't even be a part of any future considerations you have. Time to move on.