[514alex]

Birthday Update

Its been two or three nights since she's been staying with her parents. She writes me messages but I try being brief with replies wanting to give her the space she needed. She offered to go to lunch for my birthday (Nov6) but I said that it was not a good idea and we both needed to have clear heads before we saw each other again. You see, I'm not willing to try and make things work out after so little time has elapsed. I need to know that she made a realisation that she loved me and wanted to be with me. She told me that at her moms house she found an old pic of us and placed it next to her bed.
On her days away all she did was meet friends and family to talk about the situation. That shows her trying to get different perspectives on how to solve this really rough ground we are on.
Two nights ago we met for coffee... I had a lot of built in anger and frustration and so did she. When I picked her up sparks really flew. I needed closure with respect to the other guy; all I wanted was to see her make some effort on resolving the situation and betrayal she caused. It tool a long time to convince her she that what she did was a form of cheating and betrayal. All she could say was that she "only went for coffee with a a friend". About now, I am almost 100% convinced that nothing happened between those two. I know they have "chemistry" but I don't believe she is interested in pursuing a relationship with him.
I tried and tried to get her to come up with solutions on reassuring me and making me feel comfortable she would not see him again but she could not. She wanted my help to meet her halfway with those solutions as she "didnt want to guess" what was in my head. So here is what I told her I needed:
1. Delete number from phone
2. Delete all his emails
3. Kick off Facebook
4. Block his email account from all of hers
5. Write him an email stating that he means nothing to her but a friend, that she loves and wants to be with me and that she will stop seeing him because he his presence has brought only trouble and pain into her life and mine

Now with my issue being resolved with the above I believe I can move on and see how to work on the issues she has with me. If its something I do that I don't realize (and I am sure it is) I want to change to be a better person.
I am not willing to change who I am and what I stand for (like honesty and fidelity) but am willing to alter destructive behaviors and attitudes.

Now its 9am Nov 7th. I have been up since 7am; I wish I could sleep in on weekends but because of my weekly schedule I can't sleep past 8 no matter with. I guess this free time early mornings on weekends could be used to go work out...
Im on the couch writing you guys this while she sleeps in my bed. Yesterday afternoon around 3pm I went home from work and saw her on the couch working from home. I said hi and went straight to sleep as I was in no position to talk being completely drained. When I woke up I suggested to her to spend the night and talk and she agreed. Unfortunately for me I forgot a birthday dinner with my family and that caused a huge fight. She was rightfully upset because she canceled going to her father's house and seeing him to spend the night here. I ended up leaving for an hours or so and returned to find her exhausted. She really got majorly upset and stormed out but returned.

A few days ago I was right on the fence if I wanted to go on or break it off. I felt hurt, betrayed and she would not communicate with me nor take responsibility.Now I see hope for change.

I feel both of our war chests are completely drained and we are so tired of fighting. I am beginning to feel like a soldier who has just been broken and is ready to be instructed. A fresh start really seems possible from my end of things.



Here is my plan:
I want her to stay here but I know she needs her space. I am willing to bring her two days a week to stay with her parents. If I see her departures as positive time away for her I won't feel so hurt and abandoned and have my a-hole firewall up when she returns. During all of this I realized that when I am hurt my natural reaction is to hurt the other back to show how much they hurt me. When reflecting on this trait its easy to see how this makes situations worse.

Since right now we have issues talking and really understanding the other person verbally I proposed to write down our issues, concerns and solutions. This will give the other person a hard copy to consult at a later date when unsure as well as a memory aid.

During the week since we both have a lot on our plates I want to start fresh, like going for coffees and small things one does at the beginning of relationships. I feel a fresh start is just what we need and take the time to heal the wounds properly.

In a few days I want to BAN talking about the past. It always comes


So thank you again for reading this and if you have any suggestions on helping us start anew I will gladly put them into practice and let you know how they work.

[kindersurprise]

Your problem seems VERY similar to mine... I'm also an engineer and everything is (as you put it so perfectly): black and white, and I believe all problems can be solved when analyzed and approached logically.. Your girlfriend's character also sounds VERY similar to mine.. independent, sometimes unpractical, (can I add confusing? Complicating?).. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about my problem (I was here actually to browse some advice) and although I can't say I've figured anything out yet I'd like to brainstorm with you and keep me updated with your situation I'm curious though..

1) Did you actually make it to couple's therapy in the end? Caz that doesn't sound like something her character would go for.. (in fact when I remotely mentioned any therapy of the sort to my girlfriend I understood it was total no-no and never even bring something of the sort up again).

Here's a few suggestions and tell me what you think I could also use your feedback:

1) Can you accept the fact that you can't always understand why she does some things she does? You can think with your brain all you want but she thinks with her heart (how? I dunno) and its very difficult to understand. Maybe you, like me, need to let go of trying to understand and analyze EVERYTHING and just accept some things the way they are and accept that you can't change her. We might have conquered our respective fields but taming our curiosity and need for understanding is far more difficult. Maybe we just need to let go and put it on faith, trust and love.

2) Is it possible that she might be feeling threatened by your logical pragmatic attitude? If you tell her to do something and you always back up your argument with a logical reasonable explanation, then she's going to end up doing everything you say.. If she's independent she's going to feel threatened, even though in your view you're not controlling her, you're just stating facts.. but from her point of view she's starting to lose her personality... she might even feel stupid or always less than you because you always tell her what to do or you always find fault and point it out to her.. If she starts rebelling and, in reply, you corner her with your reason.. she just might blow up and say to hell with all your logic I'm going to do what I want.. which is going to up everything..

Tell me what do you think...