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lost_me · Nov 23, 2009, 07:01 AM

Hello all..
I really want some good advice
I am in a relationship from past 4 years.. I really love him and he too loves me and we want to get married but his anger problem is making me think twice.He is very short temper,looses his control easily on small issues and it becomes worse when his some words start hurting me.. I had many times told him that I can't tolerate his behaviour.. okk the other day he says sorry but at the same time blames me.(as I had made him do this)..
Now what should I do.. I want this to work but doesn't know will he ever respect me..

pfanatic · Nov 23, 2009, 08:04 AM

I've been with a similar man for two years. I agree with I wish, he'll always behave like that. I asked him to change his personality and he did try, but very little change was done. Now I've decided I can't live with that anymore, and like always, he can't let go and all he does is repeating how he's trying and changing. I'm sorry lost_me. I can't tell you what to do as I don't know myself. Be strong, I know it's hard. I hope at least you know you're not alone.

lost_me · Nov 23, 2009, 08:31 AM

Thank you pfanatic for considering my problem... yes he keeps on trying and says he will not repeat but always does and then says that I have done first and that's why de did..
I would like to ask you... what do you do then. I mean when your man gets angry how do you react? I want to know whether I am really the one who make mistakes or he is into doing this.

Cat1864 · Nov 23, 2009, 09:02 AM

lost_me, he isn't taking responsibility for his own actions and is attempting to make you doubt yourself. He is the one getting angry and taking it out on you.

He could have a calm discussion with you about what upsets him, but that isn't what he is doing. It doesn't sound like it is even something he considers doing. Instead he is using his anger to bully and hurt you into thinking that you are the one who has all the problems and should change to do everything his way.

As I see it you have to decide if you want to carry his baggage for him or make him carry his own. To make him carry his own, you can insist that if he really is sorry and wants to change himself, then he goes to counseling and anger management classes and/or you leave.

pfanatic · Nov 23, 2009, 09:08 AM

I don't know you at all but most probably, it's NOT your fault! Remember this please. It's his issue, he has a bad temper. You're healthy, normal and nothing's wrong with you. But you're into it to deep to see it for yourself.

How do I react? I stood up for myself and after being quiet and afraid not be called annoying or something for complaining about his outbursts. I now always say I'm not OK with that and I remind him he's crossed the line again. He now realizes his flaws, and always apologies, and says it's his fault. I see he tries, but it's not enough for me.

I'm currently considering a breakup because I'm tired of it all. If you invested so long into this relatinship, I advise you to change yourself first, and then you'll realize you can't change him. HE is the only one that can.
Wish you well.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2009, 09:15 AM

I see your whole future revolving around his anger, and blaming you, until one day he cold cocks you in a fit of rage, over something dumb, and then says "Aww! now see what you made me do?".

Leave him until he does change and don't go back until its permanent.

Accepting bad behavior only brings more bad behavior.

lost_me · Nov 23, 2009, 09:45 AM

I talked to him and he is saying sorry and asking for one more time.. he says that I could check the date and if he again does it then I can say anything to him.. he also says that he is trying and it will take time..
So talaniman should I listen to him and take chances.. he is trying..

amicon · Nov 23, 2009, 09:53 AM

You've already had four years of this,and now he's going to try? If he has anger management problems he should consider therapy.
Some people will make promises,with his history do you really believe he would keep his?

pfanatic · Nov 23, 2009, 10:08 AM

Please don't feel sorry for him. He'll promise you whatever he can to keep you to himself. That way you'll feel special and think he loves you so much and will change for you.
Wake up please, if you won't listen to us here, listen to yourself, deep down you know he'll break every promise he makes, you know he can't keep them. So it's very easy for him to make them, right?
At least take a break from this relationship to get some clarity of though. With some time spend alone without him washing your brains out, you'll soon feel better. Be brave and make that decision! We're with you.
IF he changes, truly changes, with no slip ups, maybe one day you'll get back together. But this things take time. Right now free yourself.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2009, 10:10 AM

so talaniman should I listen to him and take chances.. he is trying..

Be honest with yourself and us. How many times have you heard this in the last 4 years?

How many chances has he had already in those 4 years?