[gres123]

My mother and stepfather married in 1984 when I was about 4, and we were a happy family for many years. About 8 years later, my mother started going out on my stepdad with a much older man (about 30 years older). This went on for many years, until she asked for a divorce 2001. I remained close to both my mother and stepfather, often having dinner with my mother at least once a week and working for my stepdad 4 days a week while going to school. In 2005, my stepfather died of a heart attack in his sleep. He never remarried, I was the last person to see him alive. Many people loved him and his death was hard on many people, especially me. My mother had remarried in 2004, which I never told my stepdad about.
my stepdad owned a house, a small retail store (which I worked at), and had a small trust. He left me everything. My mother had bills, owed the IRS, and didn't seem to be getting along with her husband, talking about divorce. I used the money in the trust to pay off her debts and loaned her husband 5000 for his business. Everything seemed to be OK between my mom and I, but as time went on she became more and more angry with me.
she felt that her and my stepdad had bought the business together and it was hers (even though she never worked a day in it), and that the house and trust also belonged to her. She said I was doing her wrong by keeping these things and I needed to transfer all or at least half of the assets to her. She became more demanding and more out of control, coming over to the house and asking for petty things like plates, small end tables, and more money. Even when I would give in to her demands, she would still become irate and call me terrible names by the next week.
our relationship, needless to say, was becoming quite caustic. I was starting to avoid her and list of problems, having enough of my own last December, my wife became pregnant. I had called my mom after we found out. She didn't seem happy, and began to go on about how terrible I was to her. I have always respected my elders, but that was it. I told her she was out of her mind, needed professional help, and material goods out weighted family in her mind. I told her I would not 'buy' a relationship with her, and that she and her husband should be able to take care of themselves.
i am 29. I feel bad and miss my mom terribly. She hasn't seen her grandson (who is 9 weeks), nor has she called to ask. But, I haven't' called either. I question myself if I am wronging her. What friends and family do know about the situation tell me that she is sick and needs help; but I wonder if there saying that just to make me feel better, not wanting to offend me. I need an outside opinion.
what, if anything, can I do to re-establish a healthy relationship between me and my mom?

[wakeupcall13]

I agree with your friends, she needs help and you have already tried. You now have your own family and she is not choosing to be apart of it.
My mother died when my son was 10 days old and I really missed her even though the relationship was never "healthy".
Give it some time and see if she comes around. Maybe call her around Christmas if you really feel that strongly. Personally, I can't imagine having a grandchild and not wanting to know him/her.
My grandmother never really cared about me and looking at her as an adult I can see she is narcisistic. Her problem. I'm glad I'm not like her. Though I missed out on having a grandma, I'm not like her... a plus.
None of those things your step dad gave you are hers. She lost that when she divorced him. She is taking out her self anger on you.
Anger is easier to deal with then pain and regret.
Good luck to you and your new family!

[bigblack]

Hello Gres123,

Can I just say that blood relatives don't always have your best interests at heart. Your mom does love you, but seems to be incapable of showing this, nor keeping her own self interest out of the mix!

All I can say is that you can be as 'healthy' as you'd like or hope to be, but your mom, and your mom alone, only has control over how 'healthy' she wants to be. I would suggest a somewhat open invitation to her to join your life, and your child's life, but with the stipulation of positive support. If she can't provide that, then it's not worth it to your son or wife/partner - you just don't need that in your life right now. I'm saddened by that remarks you've made about her not contacting you, even though you haven't contacted her. Have you forgotten that she is the adult/care-giver/sh*t-disturber in the first place? Not to keep score, but a woman of her age shouldn't be keeping score on these superficial 'things' in the first place. She's been a mom for a long time now, and should appreciate the things you are going through too personally to expext her understanding at this point. Really... if she's not even this grown up... daaaamn.

[mrmnczk]

Some moms don't love their children, some even hate them. When I hear people say to me; your mom loves you, it is just she is narcissistic, arrogant, ignorant, self-centered, living in denial, a nut, 'my way or highway' mentality... with all respect and understanding to mental illness, in such scenario present there is not much space left for love. My mom doesn't love me. Mothers who love do not abuse and are cruel to their children. And so I chose a highway. It was a good choice.