[Cat1864]

I am going to take a bit of a different path.

How long has she been getting browbeaten by her family and put off by you on the subject of marriage?

I am going to guess that she feels like a rope in an emotional tug-of-war. That will cause anyone to shut down after awhile.

Something you haven't talked about is what were the expectations when you moved in together in the family owned house? Was there an understanding that your living together without being married was a temporary situation?

[jmw0713]

To go along with what Tal said. Maybe take a weekend and go away somewhere romantic where you two can be alone. See if that helps.

[concerned11984]

Yeah so I talked to her and everything seems to stem from us not being engaged. She thinks she would be happy again if I asked her to marry me. When I asked her if that would really fix everything she said to have faith. Seems like a big step Or risk to take when neither of us are happy now. My gut says to give it a try because I love her very much and don't want to lose her. She said she doesn't want to begin to resent me for not asking which I think she already has begun doing. So you guys think I should risk it all and ask her when we are both in this funk because I don't think she woul be happy until we are engaged..

[talaniman]

Commitment is very important guy. Yes it's a risk, life is a risk. Things don't change overnight, nor is the journey through life a smooth or easy one.

If she is worth the risk, take it. If not whats the point in even being together??

For sure we all like the security of a partner who is on this journey with us, through thick, and thin, and all the good and bad times.

[simplewisdom88]

I really wish I saw this earlier...
Your girlfriend is using sex as a weapon or she just doesn't feel secure enough to have sex with you. I'm thinking it's the first one, rather than the latter. You have been together for three years now and living together for two. I'm sure that her biological clock is ticking. Her friends and family are also probably pressuring her and making her feel insecure in the relationship. Women want to be sure in love before becoming completely involved and baring it all, and resent has probably piled up from her thinking all you want is sex and there is no future.
The short solution: give her a timeline, some goals and since talking doesn't seem to work write her a warm letter filled with your sincere feelings for her and some goals for the relationship. Be REAL and true. Tell her if you feel that you are not ready financially or that her withholding sex makes you fear that you might go through this cold treatment in marriage. Make sure to fill it with lots of "baby"'s and "sweetheart"'s or whatever sickly sweet pet name you two share.
ALL in ALL: she wants security in a future with you. You might want to get a promise ring for her and do something romantic. Tell her that you want to replenish your relationship because it matters a lot to you. She just might be bored because you might be taking her for granted now. I would sit and think through what your day is like and what her days are like.
Is she working like she's a wife?
Is she enjoying you as a boyfriend and building an emotional bond with you?
Do you tell her that you love her?
etc...
Good luck for those this might help.

[adidas]

Wow, minus the marriage, I'm in the same situation as
concerned11984". I want to tell my gf that I need to have sex alot more frequently then we do now if this is to work. I'm trying just doing things that she wants to do more and trying to not talk about sex or even hint that i want it, BUT MY HIGH LEVEL OF SEX DRIVE WONT ALLOW IT. She's not showing any signs of giving me what i want any time soon and i'm about to exlpode if this doesn't change!!! I know im suppose to be addreesing the original question, but i thought it would provide minor relief to "concerned 11984" if he knew that he was not alone and that somebody else with almost the same poblems and feelings was here and listening (well, reading). I just need some people to level with that are in the same boat as me; if this is a preview of my sex life for the future, then I don't know if this is what I want... can't handle being frustrated ALL the time, it's too much. I need to feel alive again..

[cupcakes345]

Talking from experience, when someone is happy and gets what she wants, she can do anything you want. She wants to get married, I believe at a point you agreed that, this marriage will happen. If you are not ready to do that let her know that you are not ready yet. Having sex is the least of her worries, about the family pressure, that is what families do, they might feel, there daughter is good for you to have sex with and leave with, but not good enough for you to marry her.

And also think about the way she feels as well, she is feeling bad that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex. Don’t get me wrong 4month is dame too long, but reason with her. Tell her what you really want if you are not ready let her know.

[myagony1234]

I guess my point is that I am not seeing what is forcing what. Is the problem here lack of sex, lack of sexual desire or a complete lack of communication to resolve issues such as this? Either way, these issues merit themselves enough for conversation, and, at the very least, a hopeful resolution to understanding the thought process of each other.

Very Good point.

In my opinion, his lack of commitment (for marriage) turned off her, and she is deeply disappointed, and sabotaging to have sex with him. Women hate men who use them. She might think he is using her for just sex without commitment for future. It is just my opinion, and it is understandable.

It is hard to love someone unconditionally if the partner does not willing to give "full heart" or firm commitment in the relationship. “I am not sure either I will marry you or not, and I even do not know when I can make the decision, but can you just love me and give me enough passionate sex until I am completely convinced? Let me enjoy you & free rent arrangement for a while without any pressure. You will find out where we will end up years later.” Is this his message? It sounds very selfish to me.

If he does not do anything to assure her, but only focus on his needs & sex, he will eventually push her away. How long will he try the milk to buy the whole cow? 5 more years? 10 more years? Forget about getting affection and passionate love from angry girl. Relationship is two way. I personally believe her sexual desire is disappeared over anger at this point temporarily.

The best way I can think of is he needs to set a timeline which both can be agreeable not in her 6 month terms.

My point is again, he has to see her viewpoint, and compromise her if he really loves her. If he is too young and confused, set a timeline and work it out. If he thinks he only cares about good sex, then he should let her go to find someone else who is willing to make commitment to her. Nobody should use her youth and sex if he is confused, has full of doubts, does not sure what he wants, and balme her not to give her good sex for no cost.

Let's think this way. What if you wants to marry a girl, but only thing she wants is having sex with you, and makes you wonder where you guys are heading to. Will it be pleasurable?

[pandead]

I will have to agree with myagony and cupcakes.
When I had the same problem, boyfriend of 5 years didn't want to commit. Your friends get engaged, married and you wonder why no one thinks you're worth it.

You should Google "my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me", you'll be surprised how many girls wrote about it, and guess what are the answers? -"Why would he buy the cow if you give him free milk?"

It's what I read too, after waiting for him to propose and he never did. After that, all went wrong. I was so disappointed I felt like I've been used. The rare times we were having sex, I was feeling like I was cheating on someone.

Let me tell you, I caught up with the next boyfriend! My ex must think I was frigid. Oh well, why make someone happy when they don't make you happy?

[itsyerboi]

I will have to agree with myagony and cupcakes.
When I had the same problem, boyfriend of 5 years didn't want to commit. Your friends get engaged, married and you wonder why noone thinks you're worth it.

You should Google "my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me", you'll be surprised how many girls wrote about it, and guess what are the answers? -"Why would he buy the cow if you give him free milk?"

It's what I read too, after waiting for him to propose and he never did. After that, all went wrong. I was so disappointed I felt like I've been used. The rare times we were having sex, I was feeling like I was cheating on someone.


Let me tell you, I caught up with the next boyfriend! My ex must think I was frigid. Oh well, why make someone happy when they don't make you happy?

This is fair enough but on the opposite side.

If you're with somebody for X amount of time and you decide you want/should be married and that person has not decided that yet, is it fair to cut off the sex OR if your sexual desire disappears because you're not getting what you want 'marriage', that is quite selfish on some levels.

For example, you had plenty of sex with previous boyfriends but didn't want to 'marry' them, they were getting it for free.

It's a touchy subject but there have to be clear lines drawn somewhere.

[myagony1234]

Girl’s View Point of Love making & Sex

Girls want LOVE MAKING not SEX.
When girls think their guys only interested in sex with them, they feel they are free hookers, who are used for intercourse material.
It has no meaning, not fulfilling, and just shamful. If there is no sign the guys will make commitment after certain period time, girls will withdraw their feelings and prepare for leave. It is not only because their biological clock is ticking. They need to protect them from users.

When guys give her full commitment and affection, girls love back the affection.
She knows he is really into her and worship her. She is sure about his love, excited about their future they will have together, and invest her all feelings and emotions. In the case, making love is truly enforced, joyful, and blissful.

That’s why commitment phobia guys are not getting good quality love making from girls, but only get awarkward sex from strangers. Of course it is not satisfactory. They scratch their head and have to chase another girl, and complaining all the girls are same and only ask him to commit. They do not know how to be related to girls in the meaningful way.

We, men and women, love who loves us back, and treat well. Right?

[itsyerboi]

Im still not getting it.

When you were 20 and had a boyfriend and obviously didn't want to marry him, I bet you still quite happily had 'sex' with him.

Also the way you discuss 'sex' or 'love making' is like a tool. We can make love, but if I set a period for you to propose by, then I suddenly have the right to deny you 'love making'. While this is true, you could indeed deny it, its not a great way to make somebody commit to you.

What if they treat you well, enjoy making love to you but haven't decided if they want marriage yet, is it fair to force them which is essentially what you're doing, by withholding sex?

Just my opinion, Im younger than most who posted in this thread but not less valid.

[pandead]

We, men and women, love who loves us back, and treat well. Right?

That made me laugh :D
I agree with all the rest though.

itsyerboi, it wasn't just a long term relationship... I did not have "plenty of sex with previous boyfriends" I met that person when I was 15 and stayed with him for over 10 years. We ended up getting married but it was too late, divorced 4 years later...
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

[itsyerboi]

That made me laugh :D
I agree with all the rest though.

itsyerboi, it wasn't just a long term relationship... I did not have "plenty of sex with previous boyfriends" I met that person when I was 15 and stayed with him for over 10 years. We ended up getting married but it was too late, divorced 4 years later...
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

I empathise.

It's a difficult situation to be in. While her mind may not be allowing her body. This could be a saviour in her position but lead to pushing her man away on the reverse. He could view this is a preview to married life.

It seems sometimes no matter how you look at a particular situation, there can't always be a positive outcome.

[myagony1234]

That made me laugh :D
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

A agree with your analysis. We cannot separate out body and mind.

[pandead]

He could view this is a preview to married life.

It was my first thought too, I was thinking "then she will want a baby and her family will tell her to give him another 6 months where they will only have sex to concieve"... Which drove me to the same conclusion as yours, i.e. no positive outcome.

[itsyerboi]

It was my first thought too, I was thinking "then she will want a baby and her family will tell her to give him another 6 months where they will only have sex to concieve"... Which drove me to the same conclusion as yours, i.e. no positive outcome.

Yeah you're right, its very unfair for outside forces to add weight to these situations. Nobody should have to conform to their SO's familys ideals.

That's the great thing about ideology, its extremely subjective in nature. It suggests that everything we do is a reaction to the environment around us, i.e. I wouldn't be typing this post was I not reacting to my surroundings.

Her reduction of sex is probably a reaction to her needs not being met. I studied ideology in school and it was a very hard subject to understand. Mainly because there are no certain answers. Something can be one thing, while being another at the same time. Everybody creates their own discourse. With such uncertain outcomes, how can we every truly know how to act or actually react in any given situation.

Anyway, I need to get a life. Its Friday evening and Im sitting on the internet.