[Lexapro]

If you've ever heard Regina Spektor's song "Fidelity" you will get a glimpse of what I'm going through. In case you haven't, here are some of the lyrics to her song:

"I've never loved no one fully. Always one foot on the ground. And by protecting my heart truly, I was lost in the sounds. I hear in my mind all these voices. I hear in my mind all these words. I hear in my mind all this music, and it breaks my heart." The song then goes on to tell how her friends say it will get better, but she still can't quite trust the great guy she's with.

Anyway, the chorus is all about these voices she's hearing and how she gets lost in them. If you have anxiety like I do, you will understand this completely.

I am constantly worried- about everything. Then I got married. Now I've had a lot of ty boyfriends. My first boyfriend would flirt a lot and talk about other girls to his friends. My last serious boyfriend was a porn addict who pretended to be a Bible boy to the college campus. But now all of that is behind me and I'm married to a wonderful man.

He's extraordinarily wonderful- he's smart, athletic, polite, and responsible. He's tall and handsome. He doesn't do drugs like some of my past boyfriends did. He's just a very good, clean person inside and out.

Yet, I don't trust him. I scan his emails. I check his phone. If he's late from work I make up some story in my head that he's out with a girl. I ask him at least once every month if he's started making friends or talking to any ladies at work. I"m paranoid! I hate it- but it doesn't stop. We go to marriage counseling and the counselor is this really kick lady who whips people into shape, but the voices keep going in my head.

My mom and dad both cheated on each other when I was a girl. My mother also phone-tapped my dad and did all other sorts of slueth-type things to spy on him. I learned suspicion from her. BUt there's this point where you have to just quit blaming parents and get a grip on it- right?

It doesn't matter how educated I am on the whole thing- or what drugs I get prescribed to me- I'm a nutcase.

I don't know if there is a rule to how long I can post, but I just need to ask one thing- (now that you've got your background info) And this may seem random, but the biggest problem I am having TODAY is this:

My husband has this friend whom I despise. He's not that bad of a guy, he doesn't do anything bad to me or influence my husband in any way, but I just don't like him. He's a time sucker. He's constantly asking us to do stuff. My husband doesn't get excited about doing stuff with me- but if this guy plans it- he's crazy happy. I think I'm jealous. We fight about it alot. Whenever I find out that this guy has invited my husband to do somethhing- I clam up. I get angry.

Last year this friend took up a lot of our time. My husband hung out with him three nights a week... I get bothered because my husband always blames it on his friend. "Well he asked me so I said yes... I don't really want to go but he asked me." - I mean come on! If you want to go, then man up and tell me you're going! The fact that he blames his friend for him going is annoying to me. It feels very unstable. It feels like my husband is not in control of what he does, which in turn makes me feel that I can't trust him.

Side note: My husband is a very absent-minded fellow. He often says he'll do something and then he forgets. He makes promises to me and then doesn't fulfill them because he's distracted by something he's thinking about (think the professor from Flubber).

My husband said he would clean the house today- I didn't ask him to or anything. But then he calls me and he's at the mall with this guy. He didn't clean anything. It's so stupid, but it upset me. And now this friend wants us to go hiking with him this weekend. I don't want to go.. but that's selfish.

How do I stop this anxiety and selfishness?

[artlady]

They say that admitting the problem is half the battle.

You do know that this is your problem,not your husbands and that is a good start.

The relationship with the friend is something you are envious of.
Your husband is treating him the way you want to be treated.

Know that his friend may always be given deferential treatment that you want for yourself. The nature of friendship is that we go out of our way a little bit more than we would for others.

You need to have a life that does not revolve so much around your husband and his life.There must be a separate and meaningful existence.

Where are your friends and your individual needs and wants?
What do you want to do without any involvement by your husband?
You can not lose your identity to another person.

Go to a gym,get feeling good about you and your personal relationship with you.Work on self awareness and how you can be all you can be.For YOU!

Continue with the therapy and keep working on this.

Ask yourself when you are feeling jealous"What is it exactly that is bothering me"?

That will give you insight into what is bothering you so much about it.
Take it apart until you understand where it is coming from.

Your working on things and that says so much about a commitment to change,good for you!

Don't kick yourself for backsliding,just understand where it comes from and know some success has many tests along the way.

[Gemini54]

Anxious people become locked into patterns of thinking which continuously generate negative and fear-based thoughts. This is what is happening to you, and as you've realised, it's not sustainable - either for you, your husband, or your marriage.

As artlady has already said, recognizing that there is a problem is a great start. But, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Counselling is good but I'd suggest that you need to go on your own. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is fantastic for anxiety (and depression) because it forces us to challenge the thinking that make us anxious or depressed. I'd highly recommend it.

Having a life outside your husband is imperative, again as artlady has also suggested. Focus on yourself and your friends. Have a weekend away with the girls, go shopping, do yoga, join a bookclub. What are the things that you enjoy doing?

Having a life with your husband where you do things that you both enjoy is also very important. Do things together that you both enjoy, so that you are sharing experiences and feel connected. So what if he has a friend that seems to take up a lot of his time? This is his issue to deal with and not yours. Let him go on the weekend with his mate, he probably needs it.

In the end, you are allowing yourself to keep thinking these distrustful thoughts, and this is what you need to focus on stopping. Imagine the time that you are wasting thinking these thoughts and worrying. Imagine the things that you could be doing if you stopped being anxious and applied your energies more usefully!

Make a decision to stop behaving in this way - make a decision to change.

Do it today and act on it.

[Lexapro]

Thanks to the both of you. I got your answers just in time, so that I could get a grip on my thoughts and become more aware of the truth in my situation. It's been hard getting a life where I live since I just moved here a year ago. However, I've been searching meetup.com for groups that I can join and meet people. I think that'll give me a good start. I'm just very very lucky to have a husband that is patient with me. I know that patience won't last forever, so I'm really trying hard to change my habits.
Again, thanks for the intelligent and meaningful answers.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will address help for husband, I am very forgetful,

1. large dry erase board by the front door, with list of days and weeks chores or meetings
** I can't go out of house without seeing the list

2. carry a weekly or monthy small schedule in my pocket

3. have friend text me several times a day with reminders

[NorseThor]

People with "dependent personality disorder" are always wondering if their partners are cheating. They are afraid of losing their partners and often obsessed with knowing the where-about of their partner. Once you get in touch with yourself and find something that interests you, then you won't be worried about your partner. You have to ask yourself these questions. Is he emotionally or physically unavailable? Has your sex life changed? Is he lying to you? Have you caught him before? Does you have a past of being unfaithful? Even if all these are true, then you can decide what is more important. Your health or your marriage. If you are suspicious and nothing is going on then you can chase your partner away.

Thor

[Jake2008]

I don't think any of us are qualified to diagnose, so I'll stick to what you've described yourself, the constant worry and anxiety it creates. A never ending cycle.

Gemini and ArtLady really gave you some good advice; that is essentially you need confidence in yourself, before you can be confident of anybody else.

It is an excellent idea to meet up with other people and do something outside your normal routine. When I lived on the West coast, there was a group of six women, who would meet once a month, and we rotated houses. The hostess decided on a topic, usually something controversial in the news, and we would debate it for a couple of hours. Even the most serious topics always had a humourous twist along the way. And that coupled with the food and coffee made for a lively evening.

A few of the girls and I would swim three times a week. Then came babies, and baby showers, and weddings, barbeque's etc. It wasn't easy meeting new people, but when you give a little bit to invest in your own needs, and put yourself out there, the problems you create when you have too much time to think and focus on your partner, lessen.

Please post again with progress you are making.

[JudyKayTee]

People with "dependent personality disorder" are always wondering if their partners are cheating. They are afraid of losing their partners and often obsessed with knowing the where-about of their partner. Once you get in touch with yourself and find something that interests you, then you won't be worried about your partner. You have to ask yourself these questions. Is he emotionally or physically unavailable? Has your sex life changed? Is he lying to you? Have you caught him before? Does you have a past of being unfaithful? Even if all these are true, then you can decide what is more important. Your health or your marriage. If you are suspicious and nothing is going on then you can chase your partner away.

Thor

I think it is dangerous to attempt to diagnose people based on little information posted on internet sites.

This is also not my understanding of dependent personality disorder - Psych Central: Dependent Personality Disorder Symptoms

"has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.
has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself "