[askingonce]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years - half our lives. We were high school sweethearts, moved to NYC together, and have together for the past 10 years. We have no kids but had dreams of someday leaving the city and starting our "adult" life. We didn't have a perfect relationship - there was some emotional abuse and not enough equality - but we were the ultimate best friends, wonderful lovers and like family to each other. But he lied for a long time and betrayed our relationship:

I found out 3 months ago that he was having an affair with a coworker for almost a year. He hadn't broken it off with her until I confronted him when I found some emails between them. I immediately ended our relationship but it's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. I started with no contact with him, but slowly started exchanging emails, then text messages. It's getting harder and harder not to have contact and not to see him. I love him more than I can say and deep in my heart I want to try again, but I feel really pressured (by friends, family, and society) NOT to give him another chance right now and to take a long period to myself. A lot of the unspoken pressure comes from my best female friend and now-roommate, who is adamant that I should take time away and see other people, which I'm not sure I want to do.

I've started therapy, working on issues from childhood that have contributed to current problems. I've been depressed and lacking the motivation to truly start making healthy, productive decisions (getting back to the gym, etc.) at home or at work. I've gained 10 pounds and feel gross.

He has profusely apologized, begged for another chance, says he's reevaluated and looked at things clearly for the first time in his life, said he'll do anything and wait forever to have a chance to treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and said that he wants to have a chance to marry me and start our own family. He has begun therapy and wants to go to couples therapy (which he was adamantly against for years), he's cut off all contact with her (she quit the job that they worked at), given me passwords to his email, phone records, bank account, etc. But I don't want to be the type of person who is in a relationship and has to check on their partner all the time...

We both just want our family, love and normalcy back. But it's such a huge offense to me that he cheated for so long! I believe that he's being genuine, but I'm terrified of being another one of those girls who believes him and is then proven wrong. I don't trust my judgement right now and I don't trust that he's not just desperate and guilt-ridden OR is he really finally realizing that I was the best thing in his life? I don't trust that people can really change in 2 months...

I've searched everywhere for someone who is in a similar situation - but all I read about are kids who have been together for a year, or people who are trying to get back people who don't want them, or people who don't want to get back together at all - not anyone who is confused about what to do and has a nearly-lifelong bond with their partner.

Any advice?

[Cat1864]

We both just want our family, love and normalcy back. But it's such a huge offense to me that he cheated for so long!! I believe that he's being genuine, but I'm terrified of being another one of those girls who believes him and is then proven wrong. I don't trust my judgement right now and I don't trust that he's not just desperate and guilt-ridden OR is he really finally realizing that I was the best thing in his life? I don't trust that people can really change in 2 months...

For this moment, I think you should take more time for yourself before you make any decisions especially ones that involve accepting his apologies and taking him back. It sounds like you have some personal issues that you need to work on to be a stronger person.

A major thought is that you have no trust in anything he says or does. For the most part, where there is no trust, there is no relationship. Can that trust be rebuilt? Couple's counseling could help. It could also help you both understand whether there is a chance for the relationship and to be able to move on together or apart.

I would, however, suggest that you do not get back together for a long time. Allow yourselves to see where your individual therapy takes you and if you are even going to end up on the same path. Work on yourselves and see what happens. As you work on yourself, you may find that you don't want to be with him.

I, personally, would go with No Contact and counseling to find my own life apart from him.

[ITstudent2006]

Here's the deal. I feel that if you can believe him and trust him again then why not go for a second round. But here's the kicker, you don't believe him and you no longer trust him.

The decision is not whether you should give him a second chance. The decision is whether you will ever be able to trust him and/or believe him ever again. You may get over this for now but this will always be in the back of your mind.

Obviously you don't want to get hurt again but like Ive said before, love is always worth a broken heart. If you think you can trust him again and you enjoy the life you have with him then taking that risk of heart-break; in my mind, is worth it.

But like I said before the decision you have to make is whether you can trust him again. A lot of people will say to stay away, and that is good advice as well. This is something that would be very difficult for me personally because I'm a sucker for love. The one thing I want to stress is for you to know what you want in life. Take the time to figure it out, I am not the type of person to say once a cheater always a cheater because that's not true, also I will not tell you to drop him like a bad habit because he cheated. I believe peple can change.

Are you a big movie person? In particuliar have you watched the Saw movies? Take Jigsaws famous quote and apply to a relationship standpoint. He always says
"Once you see death up close, then you know what the value of life is." apply it to a relationship, once your b/f is faced with losing you then he realizes how important you are. I believe people can change, only if you're willing to let him and willing to suffer heart-break again!


I hope you the best of luck!

Rick

[mkshult]

Your situation is very similar to my own. Granted I was the cheating boyfriend and my girlfriend left me immediately... basically told me "to have nice life". But believe your ex when he tells you that he has changed and wants you back in order to treat you the way you desreve to be treated.

My ex-girlfirend like you is being pressured by friends and family not to take me back and leave me for good. Granted my ex and I haven't talked in 2 months since we broke up, but I have done some research to find out that she is being pressured. Especially when I get a phone call from her mom telling me to leave her alone(I have been trying to reach out her). What you need to do is think for yourself, do what it is you feel in your heart!!

I know you feel that if you take your cheating ex back, your friends and family will have no respect for you, and will not support you. I get that. But at the same time they want nothing more for you to be happy! So if getting back with your ex will make you happy again, then do it!!

I wish my ex could think for herself right now, because I have changed once I lost her. Trust me that he will never cheat again, because I know I will not ever again. It's a hard lesson to learn, but some of life's great lessons are toughest to learn.

So my advice is... do what you feel in your heart, and not what other people want you to do. If you're happy they will be happy for you as well. And please try to tell my ex this same advice for me... LOL

Good luck, and FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Remember love doesn't come from your mind it comes from your heart!!

[cestlavie]

Hi askingonce,
I think our situations our similar. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years, since we were 18 years old. We moved to a new city together, bought a house together, and I felt like we were family as well. Our relationship was rocky at times too. I've always felt like I was more into it and very focuses on "us" while he often did things to make himself happy without considering me.
He recently told me that he cheated on me while away on a trip. He slept with someone else, once, and told me a month after it happened.
Just like your boyfriend, mine has apologized, begged for me to give him a chance, said he wants to marry me and have children together, etc.

I don't really know what advice to give you, but I can understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. I also worry about what people (family, friends) will say if I stay with him. I don't want to be seen as weak or insecure for my choices, but ultimately I'm the one, just like you, that will have to live with whatever we choose to do. And I also believe that you can find happiness whether you stay with him or decide to be on your own.

Just make sure not to settle for anything less than exactly what you want and deserve. Make sure you are happy with your choice and confident that you're making the right choice for yourself. It doesn't guarantee that he won't cheat again, or that you won't meet an amazing man in 10 years and cheat... you never know what life holds for you.

The most important thing you can do is live for now, give yourself time to think, grieve your loss, feel the pain, let the reality set in and follow your heart. And also take the time to reflect on your part in why the relationship was trouble before the cheating. It's not your fault he cheated AT ALL, but think about what caused the breakdown in your intimacy as a couple.

All the best to you!!

[Watershipdownxx]

Now that you have already gone through the worst of the pain you ahould build on that and start a new life with someone else. You cannot spend the rest of your life thinking about how he cheated and that he may cheat again. He has done it before and therefore could do it again.Especially when your relationship goes through another bad patch. You deserve better than that. You owe it to yourself to have a partner you can trust 100% and wouldn't hurt you the way he did. Trust me, if someone can cheat once, they can cheat twice just as easy.Hes obviously going to be saying all the right things but he should leave you alone, he owes you that much.Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[talaniman]

There is plenty of time to restart a relationship if that's what you want later.

For now its about healing, and getting stronger to survive. Take all the time you need to do that.

[Gemini54]

You said it yourself - you've been together half your lives. So, it's time to take break for a while and find out who you are. I think that your GF is right - take some time for you, so that you can get some perspective and sort through your fears.

It's too soon for couples therapy, he needs to have a break as well and think about his own motivations.

Things won't ever again be like they were - he's had an affair that lasted a year and blasted any trust you had in him to pieces.

Trust your intuition - if you have doubts they are real. And certainly your doubts about your BF are warranted. He betrayed you and cheated on you for a year.

Give yourself time and space and take your GF's advice.