[Ilovetogofast]

All right... so this is going to be a long post ;), so bear with me.

The girl I am writing to you about has been a part of my for a very long time. Due to a very serious hobby of my family and hers, we met when we were 14 years old. ( We are both 23 now) She was origionally from Florida, and I am in Ohio. From 14-18, we saw one another at least once a month 9 months out of the year.

Well we met when we were 14. Became the best of friends, the best friend I thougth I had ever had. Our relationship developed from that point on. When we were 17, we gave ourselves to each other... we were each other's first's.

From age 18-20/21 we kept in close touch. We saw one another a few times a year. We both went on and dated other people, both got in serious relationships and went and had our fun. Each of us, during every serious relationship would questions ourselves if we should be togather.

Well... When we were 22 we decided to take a big jump. We started exclusively dating, making plane trips every two - three weeks to see one another.We did this for 6 months. We got very serious, and she wanted to move to Ohio to be with me. So when I graduated from College in the Fall she moved here to start a life with me. Things were great, amazing at that time. I bought a home for us. A great home, in a great area... couldn't ask for much better. Things were great between us. We both had good jobs, great friends, my family is great, and her family (great family) is moving very nearby soon.

Pretty much from the day she arrived here in, she had hinted (or flat out told me) that she wants to marry me. So often she would grab my ring finger and flat out tell me that that is what she wants... and that she wanted to be with me forever. I thought things were going that way and it would happen, however I wasn't in a hurry. I thougth we had already gone so fast. Because she lived a 1000 miles away we had never had the opportunithy to constantly be togather and see how we liked it... Well I loved it, and it seemed she did too. But I thought that we had moved plenty fast, and we were both still young and had plenty of time for that. She even proposed to me at one point... only three short months ago. I told her... I'm not saying no, but I want to be the one to ask that question. She seemed to be OK with that.

Well, it had been about a year in late September. We had just taken a trip out of town to see some of her friends. Friends that I honestly do not care for. They are the type of women that IMO, every man should run from. They sleep around on the men in their lives, and they lie every chance they get. I know this because she told me everything about them. Well we come home from that trip (we stayed at her parents house) and the night after we get back things are great... like they always have been. We got off work, we went to dinner with some friends, we came home... things were great. (at least I thought so). So we're laying in bed about 1am, and she asks me "did you ask my dad if you could marry me" . Its something I had thought about because I was contemplating asking her over new years. Wel l answered honestly, "no". Well... she didn't believe me... she was sure I asked. She was so giddy and happy, as happy as I had ever seen her. I kept denying it, but she said she new I was lying because I'm a horrible lier(sp?). She was fully convinced that I had a ring waiting for her.

The very next night she came home and we were watching TV and she said that she'd like to be able to spend time with some new friends that she had met from work. Spend time with them without me worrying about her. I said OK, because I was happy that she had finally made friends of her own since she had come to a completely new city. Immediately after that she was always out very late. When she would come home, I'd be waiting up for her. She was distant... she didn't have anything for me when she came home. Our sex life stopped dead in its tracks. This went on for three weeks. And it only got worse and worse. She'd come home very late... 3 am... and her story wouldn't add up. I knew what was going on... I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Many nights she wouldn't come home... would call and say she had a few too many and was staying at her girlfriends apartment. During these three weeks I asked her 5 times if she was seeing someone else... every time she got very defensive and would always answer "no, how can you even say that? you know I don't want to be with anyone other than you".

So one night after she came home late I made a big deal out if it and confronted her. Told her that I knew something was wrong and that she was up to something and that I wanted to know what was going on. She started crying, and said that she thinks we need to take a break. And wow, a big part of me did not expect that. She said that she wanted some time to be single, and by herself so she could figure out if this (me, our life) was what she really wanted. Swore to me that she wasn't seeing anyone else and that it wasn't about that.

Well over those three weeks she became very attatched to her cell phone. Well I finally had an opportunity to get ahold of it one day when she was in the shower. I found everything I never wanted to find. She was seeing someone else from work... and the messages contained many "i love you" phrases. I confronted her about ita and she started crying, she completely broke down. I told her that she needed to move out.

So now, she lives in the complete ghetto. Its so bad where it is that I'm truly afraid that she's going to get hurt. Cute little white girl living in the middle of hell. I'm afraid she's going to get carjacked, shot, or raped or something as horrible as that... it is that bad where she lives. She has changed so much that I feel like I don't even know this girl, and I've known her since I was 14. And she now lives there with her new 28 year old loser mexican boyfriend, who cooks for $8 an hour at her restaraut (We're not even sure he's legal being that so many backround check turn up many interesting things about him, plus we know for a fact that there are illegals working in the kitchen). He doesn't even have a high school education, reality tell me that he has no real future. Every now and then she still calls because I still get some mail for her now and then... every time she calls... she says I love you... I don't say it back anymore... as much as I really want to. I truly love this girl with every inch of my soul... I'm not trying to sound dramatic, that's not the person I am. But I never though there would come a night that she wouldn't fall alseep next to me.

Can anyone make any sense out of this? I'm completely lost. I've been trying to deal with this the best that I can. I spend most of my time at work, or with friends out meeting people, or at the gym... but I'm dying inside. I do not understand how this could happen. Her own family has almost disowned her because of the life she has chosen... and she doesn't seem to care? She even quit the good job that she had and took a big demotion... I just can't figure out what is going through her head?

Anyone care to take stab at it? Sorry for the extremely long post:confused:

[kyop]

I feel your pain. Honestly I do. Funny how family hobbies create s*** like this. The problem with this sort of relationship is that you almost grew up like brother and sister and then started exploring an intimate relationship. Now you have two different types of love for her (and her for you, I'm sure). The problem is, you weren't meant to be together. It's a hard reality, but it's true. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, too. Two people that grew up together should be perfectly compatible. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. Watch Forrest Gump sometime. Whoever wrote in the part of the plot relating to Jenny has obviously "been there, done that".

The intimate side of you is pissed at yourself for making bad calls. The brotherly side of you wants to save her from herself. Simple truth is you can't change the past. You weren't ready to commit and you sure can't change another person's freewill. As hard as it is going to be, you need to back off. Forward her mail and limit your calls. Let her know before you sever ties that you wish things would have happened differently and that she knows where to find you. Tell her that you love her too much to watch her do this to herself. Who knows, she may end up on your doorstep someday. If she does and you can learn to trust her again, give it a whirl.

Good luck, man. I wish I could have given you good news and words of encouragement, but she's pretty much made up her mind. You can't save her and trying will just drive her in deeper and drive you insane.

[ordinaryguy]

Yep, I'm afraid Tom's right. This happens to a lot of people in their early twenties. Some come out of the nosedive, others crash and burn. That's freedom for you. It really sucks to love somebody who does it, but it's like an addiction. Nobody else can make them change. They have to want it for themselves. Sounds to me like you're handling it about as well as can be expected. There's no easy way to do it, and it will take time. You just have to preserve your own sanity by putting enough distance between you that it doesn't suck you dry and take you down too. Hang in there, buddy, and let us know how it goes.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Sounds similar to what happened to me and my ex.

She hit her twenties and suddenly breaks up with me, gave me the same lines, wanted to be single.

Thing is, I should have known better because I am 6 years older than her. So I should have not been naïve enough not to see the signs that at some point, she was going to want to walk the widside or try something new.

Your situation is quite different in that you knew her throughout your childhood, so quite a lot of history there and also a lot of change.

Best thing you can do is follow the advice in the first two posts here.

[Ilovetogofast]

Thank you all for your responses, I really do appriciate it. Its just so tough. She had a few things here at my house and she came by last night to pick them up. I told her that I don't want to see her, or talk to her unless she truly needs my help because I can't stand by and watch her do this to herself, and I can't save her. She didn't like that... she got pissed and ended up crying. I just walked back in the house. I need to move on, I've realized that with her being even just a small part of my life I won't be able to move on and be happy with another woman which is what I deserve. Thank you again for your thoughts on this topic.

[s_cianci]

Well, she made her choices and that's that. You bear no responsibility or guilt for them. Perhaps she got a little discouraged by your seeming hesitation to propose. That's OK, but she should have dealt with it more constructively than she did. If she felt she needed to give you an ultimatum before moving on, then she should have. Then it would have been totally fair game for her to move on if you weren't going to make a move. You sound like you're handling the situation well. In the future I'd advise you to just return any mail of hers that comes to your house. She can always leave a forwarding address at the post office.

[Skell]

As sad as it is and as much as you want to help the person you love you just have to realise that she has made her bed and she has to lie in it too. No matter how bad it may be.

She cheated on you, and for a long time. She wasn't honest with you! She isn't the victim here. Don't make excuses for her.

She has chosen to live in the ghetto. Im sure she could leave if she wanted. Her family would no doubt take her back.

I understand your pain and confusion. It is a similar story to mine. But until you realise that it is no point fretting and worrying about things that are out for your control then you will drive yourself insane. Please just worry about what is in your control, which is YOU and you actions.

Time to look after yourself and worry about you. Sad as it is she is the master of her own destiny and has to make her own decisions and live by them. You are allowed to hope they are the right ones, but no matter what you do you won't be able to influence them!

[Allheart]

First, I am so sorry and can not even imagine what you are going through or the pain you are feeling. Your head must be spinning. I really hate to ask this and tried to get the thoughts out of my head and don't want to cause you any more worry or concern than you already are dealing with, buuuut, she has made some serious drastic and negative changes, it is possible, that she really is with the wrong crowd now, and oh boy, is she drinking more... or worse. I am so sorry to ask this and forgive me for doing so, but I just could not get it out of my head. She has made some drastic changes, with lifestyle and career and has taken was sounds like an incredible relationship and just thrown it all away.

I hope I am dead wrong. Whatever the reasons are, she has made those choices and you need to take care of yourself. I know you are concerned about her, that is so understandable, but her actions are out of your control.

I will keep both of you in my thoughts.

[Ilovetogofast]

Its OK allheart, you're free to ask. Her and I would always go out on weekends and drink and have a good time... nothing excessive where we were puking at the end of the night. Ya know , I really do think she has falling into a bad crowd. She because a manager up here at her restaruant and being a manager, you are not allowed to socialize with the staff. Well, the problem being, she is the same age as the rest of her staff who are all mostly irresponsible college kids. Well, since she took the demotion, she is free to hang out with all of these people. She started hanging out with them probably two, two and a half months back when she made the decision that she didn't want to work there anymore... She said she was going to just get a regular job. But she didn't, she then decided to stay and just take a demotion because she had made some friends. Then... just a little while before we went to Florida for her sisters' wedding she had asked me if I was OK with smoking weed... I say no, you know I'm not into that. Turns out she talked to one of the bartenders at her work and he could get it for her. To my knowledge she had never smoked it, that's what she had always told me (her sister had a bad drug problem, so she was totally against it because she saw what it did to her sister)... but now she was wanting to for some reason. So I think that's pretty much it... she's just fallen in with the crowd she works with... very sad and unfortunate. I'm not square, I like to have fun like the next person, but I have no interest in doing drugs. All things considered when I look back on it... I'm not really even sure she was the person she made herself out to be. She doesn't want to grow up, she just wants to irresponsible like she was when she lived in Florida. I think she thought she wanted to grow up... but she doesn't. Its hard to accept... becuase I think the person she had become since her and I togather was someone I wanted to be with... but I don't really thing that's truly who she is at this time.

I think I'm handling it pretty well... I still have a rough spot every day when I first home. We built this home together... and now its only me. But on the bright side, I'm sure I'll meet someone else who truly is better for me.

[Allheart]

I am very relieved you did not take offense. Thank you. Just seem to be a major change for her. You do seem to be doing so well and I bet as each day passes, you will be even more convinced you are better now then you thought you were then.. (does that make sense :).?

I once saw a program which talked about breakups and something stuck with me,. they said we tend to morn and miss the person we had hoped the other would be or who we thought they were, not necessarily who they actually are.

Hope this make sense. Your writing tonight made me feel happy inside for you as I just know, you are and will be okay :).

[Wildcat21]

No trust on your part - she doesn't respect you - no trust and respect. No relationship.

Again - more of the wild girl stage I talk about - she may not get thes out of her system for a long time.

I'd move on and find some - IN TIME - take it slow - who you can get in a healthy relationship with.

[valinors_sorrow]

Rarely do people grow at the same rate through the "growing years". That it lasted as long as it did is testiment to how generous you two were being with each other for a good long while. But when you hit the fork in the road, there isn't much that can be done other than try to save a sane version of the love you feel for them while you say goodbye. Lessons in powerlessness are tough on the heart but they do teach some important stuff and it sounds like you are open to the lesson, which is good. My sympathies for your loss.

[Wildcat21]

ANd if there was cheating - well - I don't seriously know any relationship that can over come that. I am serious - people say forgive - but that's impossible.

[Ilovetogofast]

Yea, Wilkcat, I hear you loud and clear. I'm not sure I could ever get past that to move onto a truly healthy relationship. She did break up with me, and THEN I found out, but I also found out many things by going through her cell phone bills... many many late night calls as much as a month before we came back from Florida. She wasn't even on planning on telling me. She was going to continue to live at my place and have me believe we were just on a small break... wow... what disrespect. Things are starting to come full circle and more and more I realize that I doubt I'll ever really forgive her.

[Wildcat21]

Good - move on!! Run from this!! Run!!

You should be happy you're not with this manipulator, user, liar.

Take it to heart most women are not like this. She's a bad apple it appears and there is nothing you can do about it.

Take it as a lesson though, don't believe all the sweet talk -

[BIM]

Well "I love" sounds like a really crappy situation. To me it sounds as though she got in with the wrong crowd, are drugs involved? Sounds to me as there is more than pot involved.

Seems like you are doing well though--it will get better.

[talaniman]

As you go your own way, just know sometimes all you can do is pray for the sick and suffering.

[Ilovetogofast]

Well "I love" sounds like a really crappy situation. To me it sounds as though she got in with the wrong crowd, are drugs involved? Sounds to me as there is more than pot involved.

Seems like you are doing well though--it will get better.

I don't know that drugs are involved... but It wouldn't surprise me at this point.

Aside from that, thank you all for your input.

[BIM]

I don't know that drugs are involved...but It wouldn't surprise me at this point.

Aside from that, thank you all for your input.

Drugs will really screw things up good for her--I hope that is not what it is, but it sounds as though. :(

[ballybee]

It seems your childhood friend fell into a sad situation and she probably doesn't know how to get out of it.. This is NO MORE about saving your relationship but saving a person... She is obviously not herself.. from convinced that you were going to marry her and this sad situation she is currently in, there is a gap... I guess she tried to fill the emptiness when you two were apart with the wrong crowd as mentionned in other posts and this is the result.

It seems you have done it all, background checks, going through her calls history etc. but the right thing which is to let the door open so that she has someone, A FRIEND, she can talk to freely withouth being judged on her behavior -- if it is too painful for you to have her talk to you on the phone or meeting her, let her e-mail you.Her family or yourself could then hopefully slowly pull back and take her to rehab or see a psychologist...

That's howwhen one recognizes true friendship... in troubled times... Be a friend to a woman before thinking of being her lover.

Is your love for her up to it? Are you ready to listen to her heartaches or yours first?

I have to say I was taken aback by some of your comments which I assume stem from the difficult situation you're going through... lil' cute white girl in a gettho going to get rapped, hurt... lousy mexican boyfriend who may not have a high school education working at a restaurant for $ 8 an hour... there is no such a stupid job ( you actually do eat restaurant food, don't you?)... and do not let your pain express itself through racism and take over your own sanity... you may need some spare one to become a true friend and save your girl