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FilthyGorgeous · Nov 18, 2009, 04:48 AM

I am wondering if I have done the right thing...

Had been seeing my boyfriend for around 17 months things haven't always been perfect and I've been selfish and not thought always of the consequences of my actions. For example if he wanted to doo something with friends on a weekend I often would have a go at him. I also made flippant remarks by saying "well its over then" when that is the last thing I wanted, but wanted to just get a reaction from him.

We did split earlier this year for a month or so but got back together again. The only thing was after all the talking we did and how things would be different we just carried on as before with him spending most weekends at my house. We live around an hour apart and he shares a flat, plus I have pets so sometimes it difficult to be away overnight but not impossible.

Over the last few months he has had a lot of personal issues some to do with his flat, work and debts. He's become rather distant and at times "gone to ground" and not replied to me either by text or phone. A few weeks ago he went silent again and didn't respond to my texts again. I got really annoyed by this and the following day, when still not able to get hold of him, sent him a message saying I would drop his stuff off that night (that I now regret) but resulted in him coming over that evening and ending it.

Before we started seeing each other we were friends for around 3 years. I was surprised when we did start seeing each other how sensitive and caring he is and that at 40 he had never had a relationship that lasted for more than 6 months.

Anyway, we met yesterday and went for a walk around a local lake then had lunch in a nearby pub. We did for once actually really talk. He's been feeling really down and feels like he has too much on his plate. As we live about an hours drive away he often resenting coming over to mine every Saturday night and often would rather of just chilled on his own or gone for a few beers with mates. He felt like he had to see me every weekend or that I would have reacted badly if he hadn't (as I had done this in the past). Also the cost of petrol and going out when he did come over has added to his worries. He said he still cares but right now doesn't know what he wants and has so much other stuff going on in his life; debts, badly paid job, potential being out of a flat etc.

Although I knew he was unhappy I didn't really know why as he never really explained how he was feeling. I wish he had otherwise we may of not got to where we are now. I don't think I have always reacted positively and have probably made myself unattractive to him by some of my actions which has pushed him away and made him feel as he does.

I've explained that I can understand how he feels right now and am happy to give him as much space as he wants but that I don't want to just throw our relationship away without trying. I know now and I really can understand how he felt about driving for an hour to get to my house if he really just wanted to chill out. I know I wouldn't have liked it! I've told him I would be happy to not necessarily see him every weekend if he had other things he wanted to do or just had to catch up with friends, family or even just spend time in his flat catching up with washing etc.

We had a lovely day yesterday, had a few laughs as well as a serious talk for once and a few cuddles and kisses all initiated by him.

Anyway, its been left that we are still not together but that he will think about things this week as he doesn't know what he wants and that we'll talk next weekend. I'm not going to contact him in between time although there is potential that we will bump into each other at a dinner organised by a car club we both belong to tomorrow night. I am in two minds whether to even go as not sure it would be a good thing.

Am I being daft to hope that we can work things out?

amicon · Nov 18, 2009, 05:15 AM

He may have a problem with commitment,most people his age have had longerlasting relationships,can I ask how old you are?
I think the only thing you can do now is give him the time and space he's needing,what happens after that nobody can know-meanwhile keep yourself busy and try not to overthink things.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 18, 2009, 05:45 AM

Hi, I'm the same age. The relationships he had in the past were not ended by him.

I'm thinking it best to not go to the dinner tomorrow night in case he is there. Any thoughts?

annette88 · Nov 18, 2009, 06:04 AM

Lve had a very similar 3 yr relationship with a guy whose younger than me (hes 30). We have ended now and there's no way back. L was his longest relationship and like your ex, he didn't finish the relationships. L take my fair share of the blame but it appears that fundementally these guys have flaws that others have seen and not stuck around for

amicon · Nov 18, 2009, 06:42 AM

How important is the dinner to you? If it's not a major event,maybe leave it,but if you're keen to go-and can handle it,I'd say go.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 18, 2009, 08:13 AM

Its not hugely important however I would like to go and should be able to handle it. I just don't want him to think I am only going on the off chance of seeing him! If he is going I'm thinking it may just be better to leave it until the weekend when he said we will talk again.

Argh! Nightmare.

Thank you by the way. :-)

amicon · Nov 18, 2009, 08:34 AM

You're welcome-just don't let the situation with the BF influence the way you run your life.

jmjoseph · Nov 18, 2009, 08:51 AM

I don't think that he has a problem with comittment. I think he does however, have a problem with yourself admitted, jealous games. You have acknowledged having been "clingy", and saying things that you didn't really mean. Guys that age don't want to play those types of games. This is something that he would have went through when he was 20, not 40. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but you know that it's true.

If you want this guy to be in your life, you must give him some space. If you trust him, and you haven't mentioned anything that seems like you can't, let him go on a trip with his friends, and go to the pub, instead of coming to see you. I say "let", I mean to go without you getting mad, or jealous.

It sounds like he loves you still, but he is just fed up. Right now, with all the things that he's experiencing, he needs some time, and support. Be there for him. Tell him that you will, and mean it.

Good luck to you both.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 18, 2009, 09:31 AM

Thanks jmjoseph, I know I've been a horrible pain in the backside and really wish I'd not behaved so. Its not something I've done in the past either. It just makes things worse as I know I've been in the wrong and how I have been had contributed to how he feels. Its not like we don't get on when together or have anything in common. If we argued all the time and didn't get on I'd be happy to walk away. I just can see how out of order I have been and would like to make things right and at least give the relationship a go.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 19, 2009, 02:27 AM

Ok so I think I am going to go tonight. I don't know if he is going or not. I'm guessing its best not to text him to say I am going though...

amicon · Nov 19, 2009, 03:02 AM

Morning FG-just go and have a good time;no need to text him, he'll know you might be there anyway I suppose.
Enjoy your evening.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 20, 2009, 01:05 AM

Morning
I'm now very confused. :-(
I went along to the dinner and had a good time although felt slightly awkward. When I got there he made a point of coming across and giving me a kiss on the lips and sat next to me during the meal. We chatted but not about what was happening/not happening with "us" and I didn't even bring it up. I had been going to go home after the meal but he asked me to go for a drink with him and one of the other guys whose house he was staying at. They both walked me back to my car as it was late and again he kissed me on the lips goodbye. I managed all through the night but drove home in tears.
In some ways I wish I hadn't gone along as I feel awful now and I'm trying not to read too much into things. I know I need to give him space but its hard, I just hope that he does want to talk at the weekend and that we can try and move things forward. I know that for now at least I couldn't just be friends with him.

amicon · Nov 20, 2009, 01:23 AM

Morning again.
Yes I understand the confusion,but try to not think about it-the weekend's just around the corner-have you actually decided on a day and time when you'll talk?

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 20, 2009, 01:39 AM

I know, its just difficult to not think about it especially as I work from home and don't have a lot to do at the moment! I resisted the urge to text him last night and will also resist the urge to email him as I have done all week after our talk on Sunday. Its hard to not let him know how sorry I am for not understanding how I was making him feel. Anyway...

No, we haven't decided on a time or day when to talk. It was just left that we would talk at the weekend. I was thinking of texting either Saturday or Sunday just asking if he wanted to talk at the weekend but don't know if its better to leave it to him to contact me.

By the way - thanks again for listening and helping

amicon · Nov 20, 2009, 01:47 AM

You're very welcome-I'd leave the contact to him even if it's nailbitingly hard!
Working from home can be a bit lonely-same here-if you're not overly busy,could you take the day off and have a pampering day?

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 20, 2009, 01:52 AM

I know you are right, it is just hard! I don't think he knows what he wants but know that I can't push things either.

Given the weather outside I'd rather stay in the warm and dry! I've got Monday off as have my grandfathers funeral, that uses up my remaining holiday unfortunately.

amicon · Nov 20, 2009, 01:59 AM

Sorry about your Grandad-yeah the weather's awful-I can see more rainclouds moving in from the North Sea-ble-anyway try to have a good day and fingers crossed.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 20, 2009, 03:45 AM

Thanks, will try and keep busy, going to walk (get blown) to the supermarket in a bit and get myself something nice for dinner. Have a good day.

talaniman · Nov 20, 2009, 12:02 PM

He knows what he wants, but is having a hard time figuring how to get it. Give it time and space and let him figure it out, while you use the time to have a happy life without him.

Very hard to make something work, when partners aren't on the same page, and want different things in life.

You can only control what goes on in your life, not his.

FilthyGorgeous · Nov 21, 2009, 04:50 AM

I made a mistake last night after going out and having had a few drinks by texting him. Luckily it was brief saying hi and asking if he wanted to talk this weekend. Feeling pretty stupid for having done it now. :-(