Could really use some help?

talaniman · Nov 21, 2006, 07:03 AM

You get 100 points for knowing what's best for you. If your not ready to be friends ,then don't rush yourself into an uncomfortable situation. She may be ready, but your not. Recognise what you need and take the time you need. If she is a friend, then she will understand and be supportive. Be honest with her and yourself.

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:02 AM

Sorry good point. We are in different states and we broke up over the phone. Not in a relationship right now.

Tuscany · Nov 21, 2006, 08:04 AM

And you want to start again or are you wondering about seeing her when you travel to her home state?

Krs · Nov 21, 2006, 08:04 AM

Is she the same girl you mentioned in another thread u posted today?

Sentra · Nov 21, 2006, 08:04 AM

If you are in different states, and broke up over the phone how has the other person 'come back'?

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:09 AM

Ok let me be more clear, I tried to make it simple and I think I made it more confusing. Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. SHe said we are at different points in our lives right now and it is too hard. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other.

So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. So we hadn't talked since until 2 nights ago she messaged me and said she missed me and was thinking about me. I kept it short. SHe called again last night to say hi.

My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse.

I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me.

Not sure how to play it from here on out

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:10 AM

Yes KRS

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:14 AM

Thanks Tal, I agree because as soon as we talked my roommate said you were doing amazing and now you seem to revert back, stay strong and don't let this ruin your progress.

So I do agree, I just feel like even though she called just to say hi, we talked much more than that. So even though she would say I am just calling to say hi, is it that big of a deal I feel like maybe it is.

Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?

Sentra · Nov 21, 2006, 08:19 AM

Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other. If you felt good about one another, there has to be a really, really bad or really really good reason for this 'break'.

So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. You should not have told her you were going to be in the area, NOT visiting her. It was a bad move, and perhaps she is calling just to call.

My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse. It will be the wrong thing to do if you go back into communicating with her again, with tension, wonder, etc on your mind, especially if you act in some way to lead her on. Make it clear you want to be friends only if she brings up wanting more. The break was a huge mistake in the first place, if things were going well. The both of you should make up your mind as to what you want out of a relationship.

I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me. You said it yourself, the 'break' thing could end up being a habit and that isn't good for either of you. If its better to be apart and simply long distance friends then so be it, that is how it has to be if the two of you wish to respect each other's 'place in life'. You want a commitment, and she doesn't; not very likely to work well, as it didn't the first time.

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:23 AM

I don't want a commitment. I enjoy being single. The reason I said the break went well, is we both understand that it was too much. LDR is so hard, and we felt it was going down the all or nothing path, and we liked the all but looking 7 years down the road was too much for the both of us. So a little bad and good. But both recognizing it was key, I told her I have no ill will to her, this is the best thing, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.

I just am trying to figure out how to get her to go away for awhile and forget about me so I can move on and then we can begin talking somewhere down the road. Or am I better talking to her once in awhile to just check in. I know it seems like I am not fine but I overanalyze everything. I am meeting new girls out here, working out already lost 13 lbs, I am playing sports, going out all the time, doing well in work. I have always been a social person, I just never have been in a relationship before this and sometimes I just don't know how to act. I would want her back somewhere down the road, but just don't know how to make that happen without me stressing all the time. I feel like moving on is the only way and being a little bit of an .

Sentra · Nov 21, 2006, 08:27 AM

Trying to keep her around if you may want her in the future isn't a good idea, it's the same thing as keeping her hopes up, and both are wrong. You may, along with her, could end up getting hurt in the process and not be friends at all. You can't control how she feels about you, but if want to, keep in touch with her as long as you don't have cruel intentions to keep her around in case you change your mind. Hindsight is 20/20, if you don't want her now, you never might.

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 08:39 AM

Very true, but it is more like I don't want to disappear from her life. She was the best thing that happened to me. It was all TIMING not compatibility. We started basically in an LDR and those never work. So you are all right making good points.

Enough is enough. INstead of going and having fun and then keep on stressing over her. I need to think about myself and not about how it will affect her. I need to be honest with her and say even little calls don't help. I feel good about where I am at right now let's try to both give each other more space and time. Even though she may be hurt again by it, I think it is the best thing.

Krs · Nov 21, 2006, 08:40 AM

LDR are more hard work than normal relationships, I speak from experience. But they are very rewarding and satisfying if you keep your word, both ways :D

Sentra · Nov 21, 2006, 08:41 AM

That's good of you then, be selfless, hopefully she (as well as you) will find someone to be with.

talaniman · Nov 21, 2006, 08:59 AM

Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?

Yes it does. It shows you recognise you are moving forward and don't want to move back. Give yourself another 100 points for having gotten healthy to be able to think, and you love it cause it feels good to be rational again and make decisions based on what you really want. Be honest and tell her that you are getting over the old feelings but haven't gotten that far yet. HONESTY. Don't be pressured to stray from the path you set for yourself by anyone.

Nohitter410 · Nov 21, 2006, 09:30 AM

Thanks Tal

Wildcat21 · Nov 21, 2006, 11:59 AM

I agree with Cherri - quit being gso available to this gal. If you want her back you have to be a challenge - maek her work for it a little. Don't answer the calls. Be busy. Do ithers things - make her miss you MORE - make her wonder!!

s_cianci · Nov 21, 2006, 08:38 PM

Just keep doing what you've been doing. If she continues to call you don't answer if you don't want to talk to her. Don't feel guilty about it. She's the one who wanted the break, remember? You're in a position now to let things progress on your own terms and at your own pace. Stick by your guns and do what you believe to be best for you.

Nohitter410 · Nov 24, 2006, 01:59 PM

I have a big dilemma. We talk about breaks and breakups and how to do what's best for both parties.

The problem that I am having is I have been doing very good with the no contact rule. We talked the other day and I guess she is so freakn confused. We both don't want a serious relationship right now but we know we are perfect for each other just the timing is all wrong right now because of long distance and everything going on.

Perfect may not be the right word because some people will see that and say you would be together but life doesn't work that way.

Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order.

I have goals in life and I will not let a breakup do that to me but I want to make sure she is giving herself and utiltizing the time and space to the fullest instead of holding on to me right now so we both know if we are truly meant to be. I just want to pick my words carefully because I don't need to talk to her much because I know she misses me and is thinking about me but that doesn't mean in the time we have been broken up that are problems have been fixed because we would be lying to ourselves if they were.

Please give me more insight then just no contact rule for 2-3 months.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 24, 2006, 02:24 PM

Hi Nohitter,

I think it is just a case of being honest with her, communicating exactly how you feel at this stage. It is not a game, you can be upfront about how you feel. You already know she feels for you.

You know that this is not going to work if you get back together now (I am familiar with your previous thread). You need to give it time!

At the same time, she needs to know that you have not closed her off completely. Just talk to her in a mature way (which I know you will) and explain that you want to make it work but feel that if this is going to work out for the best, you both need your space and time apart to work on other areas of your life.

This should hopefully resolve this worry you have of her going down the getting drunk and depressed route. She will know where she stands and can then begin her process of self-improvement.

Both of you will have a better chance of making a new relationship successful together if you have both taken the time out to do this. That is if this is what you both want when the time comes..