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xxsamxx110 · Nov 16, 2009, 12:27 PM

Ok. So I've been single for just over 2 years now. (I'm 21). I was pretty hurt by the last guy. The thing is, I have started talking to another guy (23). He seems really nice and caring. The problem is that I haven't met him in person, even though we are only about 15 miles apart. He has asked me out a few times now and even though part of me would love to go and meet him, I can't seem to. I have little confidence and hate the way I look which is one of the main reasons. I'm short, over weight and look younger than I am. I have been rejected a lot. I guess I just don't want to turn up and him to basically do a runner or say that he doesn't think it will work. I don't know what to do for the best. I'm careful about meeting people online but he is friends with some of the people I went to school with so I don't think he would turn out to be horrible. Any advice would be really appriciated.
Thanks

CFZD · Nov 16, 2009, 02:13 PM

Does he know what you look like? Did you exchange pics with him?

xxsamxx110 · Nov 17, 2009, 07:09 AM

I've seen pictures of him and he has seen pictures of me, but only of my shoulders and head.

kctiger · Nov 17, 2009, 07:31 AM

I don't even think dating is an option for you when you feel like such a loser (i.e.: you think of yourself as ugly). I think it is important we focus on your own perceptions and work on that, as by not loving yourself you can never love someone else.

What is it you don't like about yourself so much?

xxsamxx110 · Nov 17, 2009, 07:44 AM

Pretty much everything. Mainy the way I look. I'm struggling with my weight at the moment i.e gone from a size 8 trousers to a size 12/14 trousers. And size 12 top to an 16.

kctiger · Nov 17, 2009, 07:47 AM

So are you going to do something about it or sit there and pitty yourself? I am not trying to be mean either, so please don't take offense. You are undoubtedly a beautiful girl, but your inner disdain for yourself will project a shield of unattractiveness on your outer appearance. If you want to change, then do it so you feel good about yourself! :)

xxsamxx110 · Nov 17, 2009, 07:50 AM

How? I work 5 days, have very little money, I wouldn't say my diet was that bad and I am active. My weight gain has been quite sudden. I have tried diets etc and have an appointment with my doctor for the 23rd so I'm hoping that might help. Any other ideas?

kctiger · Nov 17, 2009, 07:52 AM

You have two legs so you are blessed with the ability to walk. I work 60+ hours a week and go to school, but I find time to exercise. You don't need a gym to go to. Walking is not only VERY good for losing weight, but it is also therapeutic.

amicon · Nov 17, 2009, 07:54 AM

Can I ask how tall you are? Sizewise you're more or less average for the UK I'd say.
Are there still issues around your breakup ?

xxsamxx110 · Nov 17, 2009, 07:58 AM

I am active. I work with kids everyday so not often I get chance to just sit down. I go PE/ games with them. I have done 2 weeks of residential trips doing activities such as canoeing and climbing etc. The only problem with exercise is the problem with my knees which means I can't run or jump.
Im just under 5ft tall so not tall at all.
I was hurt for quite along time after the split but not really because of the split but more because of what was said and the other troubles I was having in my life.

dream11207 · Nov 17, 2009, 08:51 AM

Girlfriend, it's not always all about looks. Sure, I agree with KCtiger about walking a lot... therapeutic and great exercise but why don't you work on your attitude! Men want a girl that is confident (even if they would never appear to be so)... it's the attitude men like, work on it.

You are what you think you are. Everything is controlled by your thoughts. If you think you are ugly, you are. If you think you're hot, you are. Work on your mind and the rest will follow...

Also, stick up for yourself. If he is not interested, just say that's fine and remember you will move on to the next. You're young and have plenty of time and guys out there to meet. It's not a big deal if this one guy doesn't work out.. remember people only end up with one person (usually) anyway so don't put so much on this one date working out.

I say go out with him for a confidence boost at least because look someone's asking you out! And anytime someone asks you out GO. Make sense?

jaime90 · Nov 17, 2009, 12:11 PM

If I were you I would stop putting so much pressure on myself. If you feel the need to get healthy, then do it, but your question didn't involve how you can get healthy.

You shouldn't be worried about how this guy will think of you- after all, you're going to meet him to get to know each other, not to jump into a relationship- if this guy isn't interested in you because of the way you look- he wasn't worth it in the first place, and you're going to meet him to find out if he is worth it, right? Don't freak out if you get denied, it just tells you that you deserve someone better, that's all, and then you move ahead.

When you go meet the guy, you could take a couple girlfriends, and tell him to bring a few friends too- this way, it's not one-on-one it's more of a group date or group hangout. Also, you have the support of your girlfriends there with you so things like coming up with conversation, or feeling just plain uncomfortable won't be much of a problem and it will be easier on you. (it's much easier to join an already existing conversation than it is to make one up on the spot- and it's a whole lot less stressfull.)
Good luck!

CFZD · Nov 18, 2009, 11:47 AM

OP,

It's not really a date! A guy asks a girl out can be just a friend-thing. Don't jump into a relationship and think every time going-out is a date. You decide later if he is worth of being your friend or even more. Just go to meet him!
:)

I wish · Nov 18, 2009, 11:50 AM

Make sure you've recovered from your last relationship before starting a new one. Otherwise, it's just a rebound.

Just keep getting to know more people. There's no reason to rush into a new relationship so soon.

2ndTime · Nov 18, 2009, 12:20 PM

If your friends know this guy, he may or may not know how you look. Be honest and tell him your fears and about your low confidence due to your concern about your weight. If he really likes you he would not care (4friendip or future relationship), if he stops the online relationship afterward, you've just saved yourself a future heart ache.
My boyfriend loves me no matter what I look like and I did gain enormous amount of weight during our 5 year relationship.

adventureman · Nov 20, 2009, 02:24 PM

Take baby steps... dont rush! Make it clear whaT THE relationship goal is;short term; long term; family term. Remember, both must agree on the terms, especially a short and intimate one! I would reserve intimacy after u really get to know the person. After all, there are diseases out there that are not worth harvesting it for a life time over a moment of pleasure!

adventureman · Nov 20, 2009, 02:26 PM

If you are worry about your weight, do something about it! No use in just dwelling at the problem, find a solution.

wakeupcall13 · Nov 22, 2009, 06:30 AM

Be Brave... Send a current picture of yourself, one that shows who you are. If his interest drops or doesn't drop, then you know. Please follow everyone's advice given here about taking steps to work on the things you don't feel good about or you will spend a lot of years in this exact state of mind.

CFZD · Nov 22, 2009, 12:33 PM

OP,

Being bigger is not the most unattractive thing to a man, being having emtional issues on your body is worse!

OP, if you think you are big, then do something about it. Keep thinking that he is not into you due to that fact will drive you crazy!

I don't think you should use those photos that mislead him, show him a recent real photo ( full body) see how he reacts!

xxsamxx110 · Nov 22, 2009, 12:49 PM

My photos aren't to mislead anyone. Just the are shoulders or above as that's how they were taken. I am trying to do something about my weight and have an appointment tomorrow with my GP.