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godspeed · Nov 15, 2009, 04:09 PM

I was in a relationship with a girl for about 5years plus, till she left overseas for tertiary educations. She developed a crush on her lecturer, and confused me with him. As a result, we broke up. I don't know if the crush(love in her language) issue was true or not, but that's what she claims it to be. She has this problem of developing crushes on any new guy she meets and talks with. She herself admitted it to me and feels guilty about it, that she's not being sincere to me etc when we were together. But still, the lecturer issue was the last straw. We broke up. I never had a chance to talk face to face about this to her bcoz she's so far away.

I can't get over her till today. It's been a year since we broke up. I feel better now, but I'm contemplating on laying plans on reconciling with her. Should I go on with that idea..? Though she's with someone else now, she still misses me I feel. She calls and msges to check on me at times. I've tried moving on but still I get back to where I was after the dates I've been on. I tend to miss her and love her more as the girls I went out with just aren't the same as her.

It's been a few months since I stopped all contacts with her, it hurts to see my place being taken over by another person. But I decided to make peace with the past, and recently I started small talks with her, the initial Hi and Hello's.. Should I reconcile? :confused:

vanheart · Nov 15, 2009, 04:30 PM

Stuck in the past is right.

You don't need someone who develops new crushes on any new guy.
Who does that?

Like you said that was the last straw.

No reason to try & reconcile. Why? So she can do it again & again.

You just haven't found the right person yet.

I wouldn't talk to her ever again.

I wish · Nov 15, 2009, 11:05 PM

If you want to open up old wounds and set yourself up for another heartbreak, then go ahead.

If you want to heal and move on with your life, then go back to NC.

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 12:24 AM

But the memories are killing me from within. I still love her, everything around me faintly reminds me of her. I recently added her again on Facebook, on efforts of reconciling.

I was thinking of being friends, and starting from square one. But I'm still quite cautious about the things she did to me before. I hope she changes. Is it possible for people to change?

Gemini54 · Nov 16, 2009, 12:39 AM

She's with someone else. She dumped you, in fact, for someone else.

You hurt when you think of her and harbor romantic fantasies of reconciling...

My advice? Get her off your Facebook, get rid of the things that remind you of her, change your cell number, start dating other women. Erase her from your memories.

It's been a year and she's moved on. You need to as well.

summer7 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:01 AM

Hi,
I think perhaps you are hanging on because there wasn't proper closure. The pain of being left behind has left you with the open wounds. You had no control and this was decided for you. You should not reconcile with her. She will do this to you again.

Take a good look at the following sentence.

SHE DEVELOPS CRUSHES WITH EVERY GUY SHE MEETS.

Is this OK with you? If you got back together, would you be able to go through all this pain again? She will do this to you again.

Here are some links to help you move forward. You deserve better!

Click Here: You Can Learn How to Get Closure After a Breakup

Click Here: How To Move On, 10 Steps For Post-Break Up Closure | Lifescript.com

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:02 AM

I've tried going on dates, but after the date, I end up missing her more, the new girl just isn't the same. Maybe it's just me, I prefer intellectual conversations. The new ones just don't tickle my brain.

I have this small wish inside me. I added her on Facebook to let her know I'm moving on, and upgrading myself. I want her to come herself and talk to me. I want to show her that I'm a new man, and let her realise what she has lost.

I've accepted the break up, and now wish to just be friends with her (with false hopes of reconciling). Am I treading into unchartered harmful quarters here?

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:06 AM

I guess the closure part is true. The break up came all of a sudden. I didn't know what hit me. It was a fast and a bad one. Just like that, in a matter of minutes she did it to me. Like I was a hopeless piece of junk she threw away.

Just sometimes I wonder how she could do that, after all the years and the memories we shared. Some people don't have a heart I guess.

Jake2008 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:12 AM

Five years was a long investment in a relationship.

Yes, people can, and do change. The year that the two of you have been apart could have been a year that she has matured and she could be totally different than the person she was a year ago.

I would be more inclined if you are feeling stuck about what to do, is try to honestly go back to the time during the relationship, particularly toward the end of the five years. Were things rocky then? Were you getting along well, making plans for the future? Was she faithful for the five years? Were you?

If there were no problems while you were together for the most part, until she developed the relationship with her lecturer, and you have no answer for why that happened, then there is something missing. That she gets 'crushes' may not mean anything if she doesn't act on them either.

People fall out of love all the time, and when that happens, so do affairs for a million different reasons. Maybe she was just ready to move on, and if it hadn't been her teacher, it would have been someone else.

But, yes, people do change. Sometimes when one realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side, they've learned a big enough life lesson to realize what they lost by taking a chance in another pasture.

I would proceed with caution, but, I would proceed.

summer7 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:16 AM

I'm going to say something harsh... You know how you feel after these dates... unfulfilled and untickled? She feels this way about you. As a matter of fact, she seems to feel this way about most guys. She's fickle and you won't change her. She doesn't care that you are a new man. You still won't be "new" enough. For her, "new" means a completely different guy. Several of them.

I feel sorry that you will probably need to hit the wall again before getting it. I can imagine how you hurt inside. Sometimes we just need to learn the hard way. We'll be here for you after your next meeting with her...

summer7 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:22 AM

I understand how you must feel. You will get over her once it sinks in that you will not change her. You mentioned that she threw you out like a piece of junk. You are not junk. If you pursue her now after the way she treated you... YOU are treating yourself as junk.

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:24 AM

Originally Posted by summer7

I'm going to say something harsh...You know how you feel after these dates...unfulfilled and untickled? She feels this way about you. As a matter of fact, she seems to feel this way about most guys. She's fickle and you won't change her. She doesn't care that you are a new man. You still won't be "new" enough. For her, "new" means a completely different guy.

I feel sorry that you will probably need to hit the wall again before getting it. I can imagine how you hurt inside. Sometimes we just need to learn the hard way. We'll be here for you after your next meeting with her...

I've hit the wall enough. I finally thought of forgiving what she did to me, and being friends with her instead of being angry for no reason. Yes she's fickle. You're right about that.

I've tried talking to her, chatting online. All I get for now are cold one-line replies. Maybe she's still afraid to talk, as she has tried being friends with me before and I pushed her away. I wonder why am I still obsessed with her after all the pain she gave me.

It's like my mind knows it's wrong, but my heart still loves her. After one year, the pain is not so much, but the scars are still there.

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:30 AM

Originally Posted by summer7

I understand how you must feel. You will get over her once it sinks in that you will not change her. You mentioned that she threw you out like a piece of junk. You are not junk. If you pursue her now after the way she treated you...YOU are treating yourself as junk.

This is interesting. A new perspective I've never thought about. Thanks summer7 :). I've been going to the gym, working out. I've been taking up golf lessons again, after an absence of one year. I'm not a piece of junk, I know that. I learnt a lot of wonderful things. Life is beautiful.

And I need to get over this girl. Maybe I'm living with false hopes that one day she will realise and come running back to me after she found out that what I said about the world was true.

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:39 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Five years was a long investment in a relationship.

Yes, people can, and do change. The year that the two of you have been apart could have been a year that she has matured and she could be totally different than the person she was a year ago.

I would be more inclined if you are feeling stuck about what to do, is try to honestly go back to the time during the relationship, particularly toward the end of the five years. Were things rocky then? Were you getting along well, making plans for the future? Was she faithful for the five years? Were you?

If there were no problems while you were together for the most part, until she developed the relationship with her lecturer, and you have no answer for why that happened, then there is something missing. That she gets 'crushes' may not mean anything if she doesn't act on them either.

People fall out of love all the time, and when that happens, so do affairs for a million different reasons. Maybe she was just ready to move on, and if it hadn't been her teacher, it would have been someone else.

But, yes, people do change. Sometimes when one realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side, they've learned a big enough life lesson to realize what they lost by taking a chance in another pasture.

I would proceed with caution, but, I would proceed.

I've learnt that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Maybe she has to realise this too. So you're saying I should proceed with caution with the reconciling?

summer7 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:47 AM

You are a very sweet guy and have a wonderful heart. I really wish you the best! Some girl will be very lucky to have you. It's been a year and you are getting better. Keep up with the golf, working out and meeting new people. Keep reading these posts. One of these days your "heart" will catch up with your head. Good luck to you!

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 01:54 AM

Thanks for the compliments summer7. Very kind of you to say so. Yes, reading the posts on this site really helps me a lot. This is my first time participating in these kind of forums. In fact, I'm much of a reader than participating in active forum responses. After reading the posts here, I've decided to join as well.

There is no help better than self help. I wish you all the best too. :)

Jake2008 · Nov 16, 2009, 02:39 AM

All things considered, yes, I would proceed, with caution.

You're strong enough now, after a year, to have lived through the pain of separating, and you know this woman well, having had a five year relationship with her, to give her a second chance.

You're in a far better position of strength now, with the benefit of both experience, and hindsight.

I wish · Nov 16, 2009, 07:15 AM

Duplicate posts merged

If she has a new guy in her life, then she's already moved on and you're up for another heartbreak.

If she has a new boyfriend, then you're going to be a girlfriend stealer.

If you're only trying to be friends with her because you want to win her back, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Stranger things have happened, but if you're prepared for all the things listed above, then give it a try.

Otherwise, if you want to heal, then you really need to stick with NC. Until your feelings for her have gone away, it's better to stay apart to avoid false hope and over-analyzing all the details.

godspeed · Nov 16, 2009, 12:08 PM

The feelings are still there for her. I guess it might just lead me onto the path of another heartbreak if I attempt anything now.

I guess I should concentrate on healing fully first, and then see what comes my way. For now, I'd just lay low and be just friends with her. I don't want to be a girlfriend stealer for sure.

I wish there was a reset button somewhere. Wouldn't it be nice? :)

amicon · Nov 16, 2009, 12:27 PM

Personally I believe in NC and
I don't think friendship is possible until you're truly over her. Take care.