[nadakan]

Hi everyone,

I am new here, so id just like to introduce myself to the community as 'nadakan' *waves*

Here is an issue that I would like to see if you guys can help me with. Ill start from the top but try not to make it too long winded!

Steve, my current boyfriend, introduced himself at the place that we work. He had had a girlfriend for a while, but they had split up in February. She worked in the same office too, and every single person had said how 'two faced, over protected and generally how nasty she was to him'. She would never let him see his friends and family, and when his friend was upset because her mum left to reside in another country he cuddled her, his girlfriend swore and shouted at him to 'get your f****** hands off her' - so yes, she was possesive. There is a reason why I mention this first and you will see...

After they split up in February this year, about five months later or so my friend came up to me and said that 'steve' had a huge liking towards me for ages, and wondered if I could give my number to him. So I gave it to her, to give to him. I didn't really know who he was..

From there, we met up, had lots of fun and mucked about as friends dowhen they get to know each other. The problem was, was that I was not attracted to him at all in the beginning but he was extremely keen. He'd want to see me every night etc. well, you know how it is when ones chasing the other...

I must admit I loved all the attention he gave me. Id never got so much male attention and its probably good to say here, that I had never had a relationship in my life. (I am 20 years old now). By this point I knew he liked me a lot, and he admitted he even loved me after a while. I regret some of the things I did at that time, like take his attention for granted. Sometimes I would talk about different boys in front of him, (knowing that he may not have liked it)- maybe unconciously I was testing his love for me or something. But I regret doing that because I realise that its like a stab in the heart to someone...

Meanwhile there was this boy that I liked a lot! But he didn't seem interested, until at the exact point when I decided that me and steve would have a go at being together. It was then 'ollie' showed his interest. I didn't know what to do! I had told steve all about ollie and how I liked him (another wrong move), in which off course he didn't like. I said to steve 'give me a week' and ill make a decision. It was less then a week, and I had made the decision to stay with steve because his wonderful loving personality beat ollie's looks by ten miles. All that ollie had was looks... nothing else unfortunately.

That was fine. And then the doubts came along. I thought to myself 'do I feel enough for him to keep it going' - I was contemplating so much, that in the end I sent him a message finishing the relationship. Steve was completely torn by that, and no wonder: he finally got the one he wanted for a year, and it all ended. But see, during the week that we separated I realised how much I felt for him! I loved him and I didn't even realise it.

A week later we got back together. He said he would give me one last chance, and I understood. But from that point on, he was totally different. Would hardly text and if he did, then it would take him a lot of time. He wasn't willing to see me much anymore and preffered to be with his friends during the week.

It was then, when we evaluated the relationship again that I said we could take a weekend out, for him to decide what's best. I kept asking and asking why he was acting so completley different, and he claimed that it was because of his ex girlfriends and how they cheated on him etc. he was being very cautious because he did not want to get hurt again. He didn't want to become too attached...

He made the decision to put a stop to it all. I was mortified naturally, because it had only been recently id found out for myself how much he meant to me.

Skip to three weeks later. A big corporate party we attended to, in which all the managers and us got drunk (well most of us) and it was pretty predictable what was going to happen here... you guessed it... me and steve, got back together that night.

That was three weeks ago. We are still together and I have realised some of the things that I have been doing wrong: I have been hassling him waaayy too much, and I found out that even when I keep on at him about certain things too much, he backs away.

So I have made it a rule for myself: don't hassle, let him be. Lets both have fun, and forget what happened in the past.

I saw him last Sunday and we had a great time. I didn't push him to answer any kind of questions. I steered clear of questioning and grilling him all the time, like I used to.

Problem is, is that I don't know where we will go next! On Sunday I said to him twice 'i love you', but he didn't answer back to me. I said cooly 'do you love me?', he said 'hmmm... today I do' I said' 'because its been a good day?' he said 'yeah'.

But you can't just turn love on and off like that can you? When you love someone, you really love them all the time. He also said that when he sees me on weekends he never wants to let me go, but when were apart on the weekdays, he doesn't mind being away from me. What does that mean? I would have thought that a person who loves someone would want to be with them practically most of the time...

So this is what is bugging me at the moment. Where do I stand with him in his head? Will this work if I keep patient, I mean, besides, we had a great Sunday when I didn't even have a go at him.

What do you think I should do? Be patient and kind, or forget it and move on?

I don't want to move on, but id like to know what you guys think.

.. and I am very sorry! This is quite long! Lol.

Thank you

nadakan xxx

[s_cianci]

You're fortunate that Steve's been willing to stick around as long as he has. It sounds like Steve's finally gotten wise to the ways of the world when it comes to dating and relationships. Obviously you can't blame him for his hesitancy and aloofness, can you? If you want this to work out then you're going to have to be patient and not push. You need to gain back Steve's trust so don't continue to do things that would cause him to doubt your loyalty and intentions.

[talaniman]

He's going slow and rightfully so, smart of him. You want, and need a whole lot more, and you want it now. For this to have a chance you need to slow way down and do something besides wonder if he loves you. Follow his lead, and be a lot more patient, and for now keep those questions to yourself. Talking about another love interest is an absolute NO-NO. Stop pushing relax, and have fun and don't throw that I LOVE YOU stuff around, saying it isn't he same as meaning it. You should be just dating, having fun, and getting to know each other. Relax and go with the flow and let the questions answer themselves. What's the hurry anyway?

[Skell]

Yes you need to slow down. This is your first relationship and from the sounds of it steve has had a few.

So as tal said follow his lead and go slow. You don't need to tell someone you love them all the time. Heck, you hardly even know steve properly yet.

He is right ot be cautious with you too. Remember you had no hesitation in leaving him the first time. And when you realised you lost him you wanted him back.

So yes there is hope but you need to calm down and stress less.


In fact follow this rule that you made. It is a good one!

so i have made it a rule for myself: don't hassle, let him be. lets both have fun, and forget what happened in the past.