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kctiger · Oct 27, 2009, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

I wonder why it is that I am missing being in a relationship? I am happy as a single person and have come to realize that I do not need another person by my side. But I still miss being in a relationship. I do not need a relationship to make me happy but it is a different type of happiness when you are in a meaningful relationship.

But, maybe I am just lying to myself. Who knows.

I guess I still need to let time pass.

I think you realize you need to let more time pass. As you know I have kept up on both of your threads and it is clear you are still deeply hurt by this break up. We all like that feeling of having a special someone to comfort us and to hold, hug and kiss. That is fine and dandy, but try and remember there are also drawbacks to being in a relationship (see my thread in regards to "Joys of being single"). For everything there is a reaction we may not enjoy, the key is to at least enjoy what we have regardless of what we may miss.

I wish · Oct 27, 2009, 06:14 AM

Missing a relationship can easily result in rebounds because you will be tempted to find a quick replacement for that missing part in your life.

That's why you need to focus on recovering and learning how to be single again.

Once you've completely recovered, you will be in a better position to start a new relationship.

A4Effort · Oct 27, 2009, 06:17 AM

Yes, I agree. I am realizing that I need more time. I really enjoy the freedom right now. Before I was very constrained. Most of the time I did not mind being constrained because I loved hanging out with my significant other as much as possible. But, there were time that I felt like I needed space. Now I do not have to ask for space.

Also, I enjoy the freedom to be able to talk to anyone I would like to. I can hang out with my friends any time that I am available and do not have to think about my partner. If there is a girl that I like I can flirt with her without getting into trouble. I can go out on dates and I can hang out with different groups of friends.

I guess I am just overlooking the positive aspects sometimes of being single. I really enjoy being able to work out again 3 days a week and also being able to do more of my photography.

A4Effort · Oct 27, 2009, 06:20 AM

I wish, you are correct too. If I want to be in a relationship it needs to be because I have strong feelings for a person. Right now I do not know if I do. I enjoyed the first date very much and there definitely was a connection but I think I need to staying friends with her in order to 1.) continue healing and 2.) figure out who she is and if this is a person I would consider dating.

A4Effort · Oct 27, 2009, 01:32 PM

So today after class, I left just as I do every time. I had my headphones on and was minding my own business. She approached me from behind and touched me on my arm to get my attention. She asked me how I did on an assignment, how my day was and other small talk questions. I kept things short and polite. She said have a great day and left me.

Weird. That does not help me at all but I actually didn't get angry or sad.

Yosomoton213 · Oct 27, 2009, 05:55 PM

You did good. Keep it civil, put on a happy face. Don't bring up the "heavy" stuff. You are doing fine.

A4Effort · Oct 27, 2009, 06:18 PM

Why does she do that? To be friendly? To start a friendship? Because she misses me?

amicon · Oct 28, 2009, 12:46 AM

Only she knows that. Don't analyse her actions-it ll only confuse you. Take it in your stride and forget about it.

A4Effort · Nov 1, 2009, 05:55 AM

I found out yesterday through a good friend that my ex has already a boyfriend.

*Sarcasm alert*

But I thought she needed to go and explore herself and find out who she is. I mean that's what she told me. Not go out to go explore new d**k. Not the first time she told me a lie.

So what did I do when I found this out. I went to my taekwondo school and punched the bag until I couldn't punch anymore.

Here is my whole deal with this. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. It was going to happen sooner or later. The thing that bothers me the most is that she could get over me so fast. It took her only a month, if that, to get over me. Now she is already in another relationship.

Whatever, as long as she is happy. Right?

amicon · Nov 1, 2009, 06:09 AM

Well there you go-all that explore oneself speak often means Im thinking of testing the market,doesn't it?
But he s her rebound whichever way one looks at it so it ll probably not work.
I hope knowing that she s a liar will help you moving on.
Keep punching that bag!

bswc · Nov 1, 2009, 06:12 AM

Hey buddy! U did great in taekwondo, and I have to disgaree that its not about as long as she is happy. Its as long as u don't give a da*n what she's doing. MOSTLY, its not in a short period, the guy has already appear somewhere during the relationship as a "new fren". That's what happens when some girls can't stay within boundaries... U don't need such fancy girl as a wife material :)

Keep it up in taekwondo! Channel the energy!

A4Effort · Nov 1, 2009, 06:35 AM

Through meeting new people and by seeing my ex's actions I now know that she is not the one for me. I thought that she used to have every quality that I was looking for but she did not, I realize this now. I can do better then her and by better I mean I can find someone who will match me better. They will not compete with me. They will not continuously want to be with me. They will also not make me look and feel like crap.

paxe · Nov 1, 2009, 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

I found out yesterday through a good friend that my ex has already a boyfriend.

*Sarcasm alert*

But I thought she needed to go and explore herself and find out who she is. I mean thats what she told me. Not go out to go explore new d**k. Not the first time she told me a lie.

So what did I do when I found this out. I went to my taekwondo school and punched the bag until I couldn't punch anymore.

Here is my whole deal with this. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. It was going to happen sooner or later. The thing that bothers me the most is that she could get over me so fast. It took her only a month, if that, to get over me. Now she is already in another relationship.

Whatever, as long as she is happy. Right?

You are bothered by it, hence the anger. She isn't with you anymore so let her be. It's kind of hypocritical to say that about her, when you yourself went kissing, dating and sleeping around. Don't judge her on her actions, just let it go and concentrate on yourself.

It always happens, a girls break up and dates the next guy in town. It's called a rebound and the people are too weak to be alone.

A4Effort · Nov 1, 2009, 07:37 AM

You are correct. I shouldn't be mad because I am doing my own thing too. But I really do not think that I could have just brushed it off. I needed to take my anger out. I feel better today. I am not dwelling on it as much.

Its funny though how just the other day she came up to me to chat it up and now I find out she has a boyfriend.

Next time she comes up to talk to me, I will politely tell her not to talk to me anymore.

paxe · Nov 1, 2009, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

You are correct. I shouldn't be mad because I am doing my own thing too. But I really do not think that I could have just brushed it off. I needed to take my anger out. I feel better today. I am not dwelling on it as much.

Its funny though how just the other day she came up to me to chat it up and now I find out she has a boyfriend.

Next time she comes up to talk to me, I will politely tell her not to talk to me anymore.

What you should have done in the first place. Make it clear though.

A4Effort · Nov 12, 2009, 07:28 PM

All right. An update for you all who have not been followng the dating thread.

I would say I am 90-95% over my ex and have been doing great. I have been able to do whatever I want and whenever I want. I've been focusing on school for the most part and just having a good time.

I have met a new girl and together we have been entertaining the thought of getting into a relationship. She is head over heals for me and I like her very much. I have concluded though that I am still not ready for a new relationship and I asked her if we could take things SLOW.

I still need to tell her how I am not compeltely sure what I want right now. I do not know if I want to be single or be in a relationship. I need to make this clear to her because I do not want to hurt her feelings.

I really enjoy this independence and just having time to myself. Another thing I need to ask her is what she wants in a relationship and also tell her what I want. Right now I am looking for someone who will challenge me mentally, philosopically, and academically. I am also looking for someone who will make me see new ways of thinking, new places, and just different life styles. I do not want to become stagnant and want to be very active in my life.

This first love break up has been one hell of an adventure. I never new that I could think so irrationally, that a girl could screw me up so bad, and that I could overcome it. Reflecting back on it I am glad that it ended for many reasons. I was also able to gain so much insight about myself. I have learned much and will take this new knowledge and apply it to the future.

Was my "first true love" worth it? YES! I have enjoyed many great times with the ex. She is a great person and will always have a spot in my heart. I can see now that we are not compatible and that we just need to part our ways. Maybe one day we can become friends but I am not counting on anything.

So to all those going through a break up I would recommend reading this thread because you can see the process that I underwent. You can see where I messed up and where I succeeded. You can see the ups and downs. You can see how NC really helped me get over my ex.

Good luck to all those out there and I hope I can use this new found knowledge and share it with others.

Big THANKS to all those who have helped me through this. You all know who you are.

A4Effort · Nov 27, 2009, 10:35 AM

So I am having ex withdrawals. Out of the blue I became really depressed over her. I have been doing so well the last month. She even came up to me and was telling me how she had a new boyfriend and how I didn't know him. She was trying to throw it in my face and make me jealous. That did not bother and all I said to her is that I hope everything is going well for her. I kept on seeing her in class and that didn't bother me. Nothing bothered me and that made me believe that I was over her, hence why I continued pursuing this new relationship.

But I am so sad right now and cannot stop thinking about her. I keep telling myself to stop and focus on something else. I know this will pass but I feel so sad that I do not know what to do anymore.

Also, please don't tell me that "I told you so..." or "Rebound". I just can't handle that at this point.

What do I do and why do I still feel like this?

amicon · Nov 27, 2009, 10:45 AM

It's been a little over two months?
What you're feeling is normal,it's yet another dip and it will pass.
Plus she told you about her new BF which makes the breakup very final.
You were together for quite some time, be patient with yourself.

I wish · Nov 27, 2009, 10:46 AM

2 months is not very long in terms of healing from a painful break up. You need to continue to be patient with yourself. You can't rush the healing process. Take whatever time you need to recover.

Your impatience is going to make you fustrated.

Be patient. Time does heal all wounds. You just haven't given yourself enough time yet.

A4Effort · Nov 27, 2009, 10:51 AM

Yes its been little over 2 months.

Another thing that hurts is that all my friends and her are getting back together and I am being excluded. This is a long story but basically freshman year we all met each other. I introduced my roommate to the group and he became good friends with everyone. Him and I had a disagreement because he started having serious drug problems. The group disliked me because I was trying to help him out. Then the drug problem affected the rest of the group and they stopped being friends with him. Now that my ex and I are done, the entire old group of friends are back together. My ex is hanging out with my freshman roommate and the rest of the group and here I am on the outskirts. So not only did I loose the girl I once loved, but all my friends that I met my first year.

This is very hard for me to see and hear about. I am able to make new friends and have made plenty of new friends but I feel so excluded.