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timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 12:56 PM

I will re-iterate again. Her x treated her terrible, cheated, left her and her three children. He was disrespectful to her and did not treat her with dignity. It is a very messy divorce that is about to go into trial. I know for a fact that she wants nothing to do with him.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 01:06 PM

A very interesting thought. I know this divorce is extremely messy and ugly. All she says now is that she wants to be alone and does not give me a reason. She will not talk to anyone about what is going on and is bottling it up. She could really lose the kids if she is in a relationship with me? Is there any reason why she will not be straightforward about all this? Very interesting thoughts. I am just praying for her constantly and giving her the space she wants. On a sidenote, her mother thinks the divorce is the big factor in her desire to be alone as well.

2ndTime · Nov 12, 2009, 01:10 PM

It's not that she wants anything to do with him, if her ex can show to the court that she is an unfit mother because she cheated on him while the divorce is not finalized, then yes her ex can take the kids away. It doesn't matter if he was out of the house briefly and cheated, the court really cares for what's really going on during the duration of the divorce process. If someone has money, they can buy lawyer who can sway the judge. Relax, she told her mom that she loves you. Divorce isn't over until after six month, and if people get back together within that six month period than the divorce can be annulled (canceled). She's probably is being threatened by her ex. To the point, she needs time to think and think clearly to fight back her ex. So be understanding and I am glad that you've decided to give her space. Don't let others who's not quiet reading your situation get to you. It will only get you confused and angry.

Imabadman · Nov 12, 2009, 01:14 PM

Yes... yes... and mother loves you and wants you two to be together forever and ever. We got it.

So you're not being needy and desperate with her, so you're saying, now you're hitting up her parents and friends huh? Basically you won't phone her so you'll be needy and desperate with her family and friends. Hmmm... Bad move...

You know Timmy step back and take a good look at yourself and your actions. Does the word obsessive come to mind? You need to step back from this completely and chill out. Maybe go see a counselor about dealing with these behavior and emotional issues you're having.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 01:24 PM

Does it matter that he moved out and has been in a relationship the entire time with his girlfriend? I could definitely see her x threatening her and know that he does not like me at all - especially because the kids love me so much. I am not trying to create tension at all - I just love her and the children. And to respond to Imabadman: I am not "hitting up her mother" and she actually does not have any friends... literally. Her mother and I care for her and want to help her through this difficult time in her life. She will get through it alone, but since when did caring for someone make you desperate? I have given her all the space she has asked for and am not obsessed, needy, or desperate. If she is not the one for me I accept that and will still support her as a friend. I am here trying to get good sound advice and opinions. You are merely trying to cut me up and make me look foolish. I do not appreciate your foolish comments.

Imabadman · Nov 12, 2009, 01:28 PM

Timmy you surely don't need me to make you look like a fool.

2ndTime · Nov 12, 2009, 01:30 PM

timmy_26, don't let others comments get to you. Some people just don't read the thread carefully. Don't get angry, you can report the comments you don't like and have them removed.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 01:37 PM

Thank you. Whoever that is just wants to stir up anger. I have respected her and am leaving her alone - she needs space. I do not think it is wrong to care for someone and want to see them happy. I am here looking for wisdom and advice and am not here to get ridiculed. I do not understand women, divorce, and stress and the effects it has on people. I am looking for people who have been there and made it through or professionals that have advice. What has helped some of you that went through similar situations?

Imabadman · Nov 12, 2009, 01:37 PM

Yep... and some want to be divorce lawyers don't have a clue.

Imabadman · Nov 12, 2009, 01:47 PM

Timmy you actually been given several pieces of good advice. Problem is it's not what you want to hear. You want someone to sympathize with you and tell you it's going to be all right. Now why I can sympathize with you… I'm not going to tell you it's going to be all right.

Caring about a person is not being needy, obsessive, or desperate. BUT when you seek out their family, friends, call, text, etc… that is. I'm sorry if you can't understand that now. In time you will learn.

This is NOT ridiculing you… it's based upon what you wrote.

2ndTime - READ IT a second time.

amicon · Nov 12, 2009, 01:52 PM

Nobody can say exactly why she s acting the way she is-divorce is messy and stressful-she could be depressed-unless she talks about this nobody will know her reasons.
Getting over a marriage however unhappy it was takes time,when it comes up to finalizing the divorce it's a big part of your life that's over even if you no longer love your ex-to-be.
And its up to you how long you want to wait around for her to (possibly) start talking to you again.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 02:05 PM

Hey, I told you I have talked to her a few times and it is when she initiates the conversation. Is it wrong to talk to her mother? Is it wrong to care about her? Is it wrong to want her to be happy? Hey man, she is going through one of the toughest things someone can go through. I know that all you are here to tell me is that it's over, get a life, and move on. I already said that I accept the fact that she wants to be alone now. If she is not the one for me I accept that too. I am not in denial - I understand that as of now it is over. Do I hope that I will see her again - of course. I am doing the things I love and living my life as I did before I met her. I do not have all the answers and am looking for advice. You said what you have to say, now you can stop.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

Nobody can say exactly why she s acting the way she is-divorce is messy and stressful-she could be depressed-unless she talks about this nobody will know her reasons.
Getting over a marriage however unhappy it was takes time,when it comes up to finalizing the divorce its a big part of your life thats over even if you no longer love your ex-to-be.
And its up to you how long you want to wait around for her to (possibly) start talking to you again.

I agree with you too, she is getting over her marriage, finalizing a messy divorce in trial, and going through an very emotional time. She clearly does not want a man in her life right now. If she starts to talk to me again that would be great, if not life goes on. I told her that I am here for you and she knows that. And again you are right, you can speculate all you want on why she is acting the way she is, but she is the only one that knows the answer to that. It helps hearing from people's thoughts and opinions though.

timmy_26 · Nov 12, 2009, 08:04 PM

I just talked to her tonight. She initiated the conversation. We just talked about our day and our lives. She ended up saying that she misses me and said I would see her. I am confused as to what is going on. We have not seen each other in two weeks and have spent very limited time talking. Is the space showing her how much she misses and loves me? What should my next move be?

amicon · Nov 13, 2009, 12:59 AM

There again nobody knows but her -yes she probably misses you but my concern here is that you re allowing yourself to stay in limbo waiting for something that may never happen, and that's not a good place to be.

timmy_26 · Nov 13, 2009, 05:02 AM

I understand the concern. Being in limbo is not a good place to be. It has only been a couple weeks and it is not killing me. I am doing the things I love to occupy my time and respecting her desire to be alone. If she wants to see me again that would be great. If not life goes on. I am willing to wait for her to straighten herself out. I just do not know the time frame and am not going to pressure her at all. Seems like she has to find herself.

timmy_26 · Nov 13, 2009, 06:32 PM

So she wanted to go out for dinner tonight, but I had work. Seems like she wants to meet me. However, she is still very distant and not talking to me much. I am so confused.

rosemcs · Nov 13, 2009, 11:05 PM

When I first read this post, I thought it was someone I knew! I was in a very similar situation.

But, just switch it around... I am the separated woman with three kids, am going through foreclosure, BK, divorce threats (ended because we separated)...

I wish I had a man like you that cared even in the midst of all the trouble. I saw someone when I was separated. We had a wonderful relationship like you did. Then, I found myself in limbo with him when he got involved with someone else.

You stated, "I am asking if people think that struggles in life influence their desire for companionship and love. Will divorce, forclosure, stress and pressure do this? I just want some honest opinions and advice. "

Yes, very much yes. When I was going through the divorce threats, I was so furious, because my ex husband was not around for myself and the children and could not think rationally. He made me so disgusted that I wanted to be with the other man even more!

Does that answer your question loud and clear?

Also, she may not want you to see her at her worst when she is going through such stresses... three kids is so difficult to be a single parent to and takes almost all your energy.

She needs someone to love her, but while she goes through all these emotions, she has to be respectful of your feelings.

Be loving to her, but do not be attached. That way, you can pick yourself up if it does not work out.

There is a lot of self-doubt in her mind as to why a single man would want to carry on so many responsibilities. Whatever she is going through, she will need a professional therapist to help her deal with her anger, maybe even desensitize the anger so that she does not carry it around and lash out at other people that want to help. She must feel very hurt.

Don't drag yourself into her stress. Maybe you can find some people at a local Church that can offer to help clean her home, or go grocery shopping, or watch her kids, if they are little. These things mean so much to a mom that is strugging.

You can be her friend. You don't have to be her lover now.

2ndTime · Nov 13, 2009, 11:13 PM

I agree 100% with rosemcs.

timmy_26 · Nov 14, 2009, 03:24 AM

I had a long conversation with her tonight. She we started talking about our days. Then she lets talk about the things we don't like about each other. She said that I am too nice and never argumentative and asked me why. I said because I don't think its right to argue in front of the kids. I am too nice? I told her I will speak my mind more. She said she wants to be with someone. She also said she stopped taking birth control 2 weeks ago to try to stop her moodiness. She asked me if I think she was moody. I said yes sometimes you have mood swings. She didn't like hearing that. I said I was just being honest. She also told me her dream to move to California. I am 100 % supportive of moving to California and would be happy to switch jobs to live there. She said in a few years. She also said she can't seem to think past the next week now with the divorce. I said lets take it a day at a time. I want to be in your life still and am there if you need help. What I don't get is at the end of the conversation I said I would like to talk to you more. She said I told you to leave me alone, I even said its over. She just left and said bye. The conversation went well I thought, but she ended it so bitter still. She obviously is going through tons of stress and I agree with you - She is mean and angry. I still love her and we are best friends. I will be there for her despite her actions and meanness toward me.