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justcurious55 · Nov 3, 2009, 01:49 PM

As long as you realize you're going to need a lawyer and this isn't a simple speedy process, I think that's fine if you wait another month or so to see one.

It sounds like you're prepared for if your daughter wants anything to do with her bio dad. Is your fiancé? If the adoption goes through, but she still wants to have a father daughter relationship with her bio dad in a few years, will he be OK with that too?

me22487 · Nov 3, 2009, 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

as long as you realize you're going to need a lawyer and this isn't a simple speedy process, i think that's fine if you wait another month or so to see one.

it sounds like you're prepared for if your daughter wants anything to do with her bio dad. is your fiance? if the adoption goes through, but she still wants to have a father daughter relationship with her bio dad in a few years, will he be ok with that too?

I don't know that I'm fully prepared for the day if/when she wants to know her bio dad, but I've still got some time. I put myself in her shoes and that's how I think about everything. If I were her, what would I want to know/do? That's how I have gone about thinking through things.

My fiancé on the other hand, I don't know how OK he will be with things. I really can't answer for him, but I think he wouldn't like it and he will probably have a different approach than I on things. I think as we grow as a couple, and as a family, we will all grow and develop and learn as we go. He is going into the field of counseling psychology so I think with more experience in his field he will grow and understand this situation more and more and be OK with her wanting to see/have a relationship with her bio dad. He probably won't like it, but he will be OK with it.

None of us are really prepared for anything, but we sure are trying hard and I know with time and growth we will know how to get through things.

justcurious55 · Nov 3, 2009, 11:50 PM

Uh, doesn't that seem like something you should be discussing with him now? Before you even attempt an adoption. I'm getting the impression you haven't.

JudyKayTee · Nov 4, 2009, 10:05 AM

Agree with "Justcurious" - you are this far into the process and don't know his true feelings?

I see a problem here -

me22487 · Nov 4, 2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

uh, doesn't that seem like something you should be discussing with him now? before you even attempt an adoption. i'm getting the impression you haven't.

It's not that we haven't discussed things-we most certainly have. I just am not sure on how he will handle things in the future-if daughter wants to pursue her biological father. No one can judge how someone will handle something that far into the future.

I do know where he stands and his feelings on the subject NOW. He is NOT crazy about her seeking out her biological family, but remember she is still a tot right now. I was simply saying that as she gets older and we grow together as a family and as she begins asking questions and understanding the situation, I don't know exactly how he will respond to her wanting to know her biological family.

justcurious55 · Nov 4, 2009, 12:04 PM

But if you're discussing this with him, you should have some idea. And I'm getting the impression that you don't. This is something you two need to be in agreement over. It's not something as simple as what to have for dinner or if she should be allowed one scoop or two scoops of ice cream for dessert. This is something that if both of you do not handle right could really screw up her relationships with all three of you. It's really not a, "let's wait and see what happens" situation. This is a "we'd better have a plan for everything" situation. So you need to remember that kids grow fast. She may be a tot now but she could start asking questions before you know it.

me22487 · Nov 5, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

but if you're discussing this with him, you should have some idea. and i'm getting the impression that you don't. this is something you two need to be in agreement over. it's not something as simple as what to have for dinner or if she should be allowed one scoop or two scoops of ice cream for dessert. this is something that if both of you do not handle right could really screw up her relationships with all three of you. it's really not a, "let's wait and see what happens" situation. this is a "we'd better have a plan for everything" situation. so you need to remember that kids grow fast. she may be a tot now but she could start asking questions before you know it.

I should have some idea? I do
Are we in agreement? Yes
I never said that this was a simple situation, I know this is something very complex and that's why I asked questions here. We both know this is a touchy subject and situation and we are as prepared as we can be at this point. I came here looking for some help to point me in the right direction for the time being knowing my best source for answers is an attorney. Right now, with some aspects of this current situation, all we can do is wait and see and talk to an attorney.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 5, 2009, 04:22 PM

Almost all adopted children seem to have a need to find "who they really are" or claim they are missing a part of their life sometime as a teen.

Others feel they have some right to know.

So expect her to want to search and find him, that is something that I would say is nearly sure to happen

I will address a very very serious mistake you are making, from day one, she should know that this other man is not her bio dad, you can even make him more special, by letting her know he did not have to choose her but he choose to be with you and her as a choice. This starts as early as 2 years old. If done properly the hatred of you hiding something or some family member already saying something does not happen. If you wait for that "right" time, it will never come till it is far to late

Fr_Chuck · Nov 5, 2009, 04:30 PM

Next at least in GA, as long as he is paying child support that is considered contact even if he never actually looks at her in person. Also in GA, you can not take away a fathers fight because he does not pay child support or because he does not visit.

So the only way the bio father is gong to loose his rights and allow any adoption is if the bio father signs those rights away. And he may since he gets to stop paying child support

Also at leats in GA, he can at anytime since he has been proven the father, file in court for visits and it would be awarded, it may be supervised or the child required to have counseling first. So this is something that could always happen at this point

me22487 · Nov 6, 2009, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I will address a very very serious mistake you are making, from day one, she should know that this other man is not her bio dad, you can even make him more special, by letting her know he did not have to choose her but he choose to be with you and her as a choice. This starts as early as 2 years old. If done properly the hatred of you hiding something or some family member already saying something does not happen. If you wait for that "right" time, it will never come till it is far to late

I never said that this was something we were trying to hide from her-even at this age. All she knows is that my fiancé is Daddy, and he always has been to her. It is difficult for a 2 or 3 year old to grasp the concept of Daddy vs. Biological Father. I will not ever hide this from her and when she is old enough to begin understanding the situation, I will not hesitate to tell her and explain to her. Right now, even at almost 3 years old, she doesn't get it. I don't know many kids her age that would. Her biggest worry at this age is what fun things do mommy and daddy have planned and am I going to get any candy after dinner.

Next at least in GA, as long as he is paying child support that is considered contact even if he never actually looks at her in person. Also in GA, you can not take away a fathers fight because he does not pay child support or because he does not visit.

So the only way the bio father is gong to loose his rights and allow any adoption is if the bio father signs those rights away. And he may since he gets to stop paying child support

Also at leats in GA, he can at anytime since he has been proven the father, file in court for visits and it would be awarded, it may be supervised or the child required to have counseling first. So this is something that could always happen at this point

I know IL laws, but since we're living in MO now, I am not in the loop with how everything works here. I assume it would be the same as you are saying. This is something I have kept in mind and again something I need to take to an attorney. We are hoping that the incentive of him not having to pay for 2 children and only one instead that he will sign away. He does also know that all he has to do is take this to court and file for visitation rights, but he hasn't. All he cares about is he gets what he wants and all that is is for him to have his name on her birth certificate, for her to have his last name and for me to be unhappy and "not get what I want". That's all he wants and cares about. And you may ask how do I know this? He told me, that's how I know.

stinawords · Nov 6, 2009, 03:55 PM

That may be all he want's and saddly it might be what he gets. For the simple fact that he is her legal father and has to pay support. For your sake I hope he is willing to sign away his rights to allow the adoption because if he can prove that he does pay even if he dosen't want to visit then I don't know of a judge that would terminate his rights with out him wanting it. So, even if the adoption never goes through your child will know who was there taking care of her through everything she goes through and who shares in her joys as well. Just out of curiosity you keep saying at an age that she will understand... at what age do you think that will be? I have a daughter in kindergarten she's six and just from being around all the different kids that come from all kinds of different families (a lot of them with step-parents) she asked who her step mom was I smiled and told her I'm the only mom she has and I hope that is enough for her because her parents are married. Saddly that is the minority of the cases anymore. So you see, sooner than you will expect, she will be able to start to understand and if you are so open to the idea like you say you are you will tell her sooner rather than latter because if you continue the "daddy" thing after she starts school you will have to lie to her when she asks the same question my daughter did.

me22487 · Nov 6, 2009, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by stinawords

That may be all he want's and saddly it might be what he gets. For the simple fact that he is her legal father and has to pay support. For your sake I hope he is willing to sign away his rights to allow the adoption because if he can prove that he does pay even if he dosen't want to visit then I don't know of a judge that would terminate his rights with out him wanting it. So, even if the adoption never goes through your child will know who was there taking care of her through everything she goes through and who shares in her joys as well. Just out of curiosity you keep saying at an age that she will understand... at what age do you think that will be? I have a daughter in kindergarden she's six and just from being around all the different kids that come from all kinds of different families (a lot of them with step-parents) she asked who her step mom was I smiled and told her I'm the only mom she has and I hope that is enough for her because her parents are married. Saddly that is the minority of the cases anymore. So you see, sooner than you will expect, she will be able to start to understand and if you are so open to the idea like you say you are you will tell her sooner rather than latter because if you continue the "daddy" thing after she starts school you will have to lie to her when she asks the same question my daughter did.

When I say at an age she will understand, it all depends on her. When she comes to me with that first initial question (of ANYTHING relating to the situation) that's when I know she is old enough to begin understanding. I don't know when she will be ready or old enough to start understanding, that is all up to her. I imagine she will be able to start understanding around the age of 4 or so. I imagine it will be something like what your daughter asked you. It will always be told to her in an age appropriate manner. If she is 6 then she will get a 6 year old version. When she's 15 she'll get a 15 year old version. There are just some things you don't tell a 6 year old that you can tell a 15 year old. When I feel she is old and mature enough, she will get everything I have saved up in the closet that pertains to her biological father (pictures, some notes, documents, etc) and those things will be hers to do with what she pleases.

I know that hiding things, regardless how small or minute I think they may be, would be absolutely the wrong thing to do and would backfire in every way. She will always know the truth, I will never hide anything from her.