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mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 02:04 AM

My husband sits and drinks with another woman and when I am out with him and she is there he can't take his eyes of her and he turns cold and hostile towards me one night when she wasn't there he took an angry turn towards me her daughter was serving behind the bar did he turn on me so the daughter would tell her mum I can sense something is not right my husband says there is nothing in it and that its me he loves although I don t believe him he says she drinks like a man every time I meet up with him in the pub she is always sitting with him then she leaves his company if I join him he won t stop going to that pub is there something I should worry about

redhed35 · Nov 4, 2009, 04:35 AM

Have you spoken honestly with him about how you feel?

Does he realise that you feel a little insecure and maybe a little jealous?

That's understandable.

But don't jump ahead of the game... talk to him,and see will he reassure you... if he dismisses the idea,state aggain how its making you feel,and remind him that you are his wife..

Do not be confrontational...

Do not speak in anger..

Be calm,and honest,and help him understand your position...

If your not used to talking to him like this,and it happens,we get into a rut and only talk about the bills or the kids...

It might be hard.. but perhaps it will help you reconnect with him.

I wonder if he has a little crush on this women,or that he just enjoys her company,is she a mans man type of women?

As I said the only way to get to the bottom of this is to be honest and talk to him about how you feel.

mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 05:04 AM

Thanks for replying I have spoken to him often about it but we have been married for 30years and our kids have grown up she is 11years younger than me and to be quite honest I have known for a few years my relationship with my husband is about dead its just he doesn't have the guts to leave me in case everybody talks about him he is very cold towards me and sarcastic most of the time so I hardly speak to him now I would leave but I have nowhere to go and neither does he he has been in her company now for 3 years and I can't take any more

redhed35 · Nov 4, 2009, 05:19 AM

Could you just clear up a few points,perhaps I misunderstood...

In your original post you say he said he loved you and nothing was going on,and you wondered if you should worry...

In your next post you say your marriage is all but dead,and bascially your just living in the same house... is that correct?

Have you both talked about councilling or divorce?

Either way your in a difficult situation,if your marriage is over,then perhaps you should both think about what is best for both of you instead of what the neighbours think.

If he won't make a move,maybe you should?

mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 05:54 AM

Sorry I should have been a bit more specific what I meant was he is fine when he doesn't go to the pub when he comes home and has been in her company he starts arguing with me and calling me names one minute he says he loves me and then I am called horrible names I know I should go but its hard I am not very good at explaining things clearly I have asked him to stay away from the pub but he refuses she also tries to like the things I like and if my son has been in the pub and he hasent been out he always asks if she was there I just probably need an excuse to go this woman has had a couple of men in the past she also gives me funny looks if I am with him and her face is always tripping her if I am there

redhed35 · Nov 4, 2009, 05:57 AM

Thank you,I understand better now.

Can I just ask,what do you want?

Do you want out,or do you want your marriage to work?

mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 06:16 AM

I think I just needed someone to say for sure that its time to go and change things in my life thanks

redhed35 · Nov 4, 2009, 06:22 AM

Only you can answer that one... your the one living it...

Personally for me,I would not be able to put up with that kind of behaviour.

But you have to think it through... you both have a right to be happy and to live in peace,with or without each other...

Whatever road you take will have its own set of problems,but if you make a decision to see it through you will be happier with your decision.

I wish you the best.

Other people will post and perhaps take a different point of view,that will help you reach a decision.

amicon · Nov 4, 2009, 06:32 AM

If you truly feel that your marriage is emotionally dead and counselling is not an option you should probably end it. We all deserve to be loved,respected and valued in our relationships. It s your decision of course-best of luck.

I wish · Nov 4, 2009, 06:37 AM

Assuming that you've spoken to him about your concerns and tried to work things out.

If after 30 years, you aren't getting what you want, then I think that you've given him more than enough chances to try to repair the marriage.

Woud you like to give him another 30 years to try?

mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 07:21 AM

Thanks for your reply but I don't think I could go through another 6 months with him never mind 30 years it was nt easy I was trying to make it work for the kids but he finds fault with them as well and always has done he has never given them any praise ever always downing them for something suppose it was my fault for staying anyway

redhed35 · Nov 4, 2009, 07:25 AM

Its not your fault.. he owns half the relationship as well..

talaniman · Nov 4, 2009, 07:38 AM

Maybe talking after he hasn't been drinking would clear things up. A guy who spends a lot of time at a pub is bound to have some serious problems at home, and maybe everywhere else.

I can understand you being tired of even being around a person under those circumstances, but that may be at the heart of the issue.

That means you may have a big decision to make. See what your son says as he seems to have a close view of things.

mw4ds · Nov 4, 2009, 08:06 AM

Thanks for replying I know in my own heart what I need to do I just need reasurance that it's the right thing to do

I wish · Nov 4, 2009, 08:09 AM

Thread moved to marriage section

Originally Posted by mw4ds

thanks for replying i know in my own heart what i need to do i just need reasurance that its the right thing to do

There's never a right or wrong answer when it comes to relationships and marriage.

What you need to consider is what makes you happy in a relationship or marriage. If you're not getting what you want, then you shouldn't continue to suffer. Make it a clean break and find what you want somewhere else.

There's no reason for you to settle for less than you deserve.

Jake2008 · Nov 4, 2009, 08:26 AM

I think you are unsure of what is right before your eyes, because you are reluctant to see the truth.

30 years is a very long investment in someone, and surely at this stage of the game, he shouldn't be chatting this woman up, and miserable with you when he has to leave her and go home. Then he takes his anger out on you, which is very misplaced, immature, and innapropriate. Three years of this is enough already.

You are not without instinct, and you know what's going on. He is spending time with another woman, that he should be spending with you. That he cannot justify what he is doing, instead he deflects- makes it seem like you are imagining things, or that he is the victim here, because he's doing nothing wrong.

All I can tell you is, and I've been married 33 years, if my husband were spending time in a bar with a woman, having had a relationship with her for 3 years, his belongings would be packed, and he'd be out the door. Maybe it is because my husband knows how I would react (and damn the neighbours), that he wouldn't attempt it in the first place.

When and if he comes to his senses, assert yourself, demand that he stop going to the bar, for starters. Then, insist on marriage counselling to see if there is anything salvageable in the marriage. But from a distance.

Go forward, not backwards, and don't stay stuck in this place. Decide one way or the other whether you will put up with his behaviour, or you won't. And then do what is right for you.

Gemini54 · Nov 5, 2009, 01:42 AM

There are things corroding your marriage far more deeply than the other woman that drinks at the pub.

You write about the way he speaks with you and the way he speaks to the children. You talk about his coldness and sarcasm. You talk about him belittling you in front of other people. You talk about it never having been easy.

It has taken 30 years to create this situation and it won't be resolved overnight. The other woman that drinks at the pub is merely symptom of a marriage that is in name only.

Decide what is best for you. It is the only thing that you can do. Claw back some self respect and let him know you won't do what you're doing any more.

Unless he can sober up and be nice, I'd suggest he needs to pack his bags.

mw4ds · Nov 5, 2009, 02:07 AM

Thanks to all the replies I know what I am going to do a just did nt think he could love somebody else as he does nt love me a did nt think he was capable of loving some one

jmjoseph · Nov 5, 2009, 02:39 AM

A wife should never have to be made to feel as though she is the "third wheel".

It sounds to me, that if the pub were to burn down, he would help her out first.

Life is too short to be treated like this. If counseling is out of the question, you should go make yourself happy.

I can't imagine how you must feel. Never, ever, let him disrespect you again.

I wish only the best for you.

Tell that jacka$$ that he can have his barfly.

coral123 · Nov 5, 2009, 04:32 AM

Originally Posted by mw4ds

my husband sits and drinks with another woman and when i am out with him and she is there he can't take his eyes of her and he turns cold and hostile towards me one night when she wasnt there he took an angry turn towards me her daughter was serving behind the bar did he turn on me so the daughter would tell her mum i can sense something is not right my husband says there is nothing in it and that its me he loves although i don t believe him he says she drinks like a man every time i meet up with him in the pub she is always sitting with him then she leaves his company if i join him he won t stop going to that pub is there something i should worry about

If I were you I would ask him does he want to be with her and if you don't get a quick REPLY GET RID OF HIM HE'S NOT WORTH YOUR LOVE, I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY FIRST TWO WIFE'S FIRST WIFE 35 YEARS SECOND WIFE 5 YEARS SHE WAS A RUSSIAN ((( YOU WILL COPE )))BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM AS IT SEEMS TO ME HE LIKES THE COMPANY OF OTHER WOMEN BUT NOT YOU. DO IT GIRL DO IT
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