[Maureen_789]

I was married for over 12 years. My marriage was very abusive. It began as emotionally/mentally abusive, which escalated in physical abuse which in turn led to what I think was sexual abuse although I can't be positive.

In the beginning of the marriage, the intimacy was OK. Nothing great - 30 seconds and it was over. As time went on, he wanted me to "f***" him. He would ask if I liked being f***ed. He would talk about wanting to see me with other guys or girls or a bunch of people. He wanted me to make up stories about raunchy sex. He wanted me to wear lingerie. Yet, he never watched porn or looked at porn mags as far as I know.

I got to a point - well, since the beginning really - that this was wrong somehow. I didn't feel loved. I felt like a whore. I would cry silently after it was over. He never asked what I was crying about. I asked him several times to cut out the raunchy language and the rest. He agreed but then it would be the same shortly thereafter.

We didn't have intercourse often. Maybe once every two - three weeks. I tried to initiate it since I wondered if I was not "pleasing" him well enough as a wife. Sometimes it would happen, other times he would brush me off.

Because of endometriosis, I had a very hard time conceiving my children. The pain during intercourse was excrutiating but I endured it because it was the only time I was fertile (when the pain was the greatest).

We are divorced now. Have been for over two years. I have found another man but find that I do not enjoy sex at all and quite honestly dread it. I know that it's the memories of my past experience but why can't I differentiate the two. I fake orgasms which is wrong just to get it over with. I honestly can't even feel anything.

I feel dirty when we are done (or he is) and disgusted. I tried to talk to him about this but he takes it so personally like I'm comparing him to my ex but I'm really not.

Can someone please advise on what I can do that might help or share a similar experience so that I know I'm not alone?

Thank you.

[Gemini54]

I'm so sorry for your humiliating and degrading experiences with sex and with your ex husband. I hope that he is well and truly out of your life.

I have not had a similar experience, but I suspect that after 12 years of unrelenting abuse your psyche is hard wired to find sex as unpleasant and disgusting. After such a long time of giving in and trying to please, your body and mind is finally saying to you - "I don't want this. It makes me feel awful."

What you are feeling is perfectly natural, because why would you want sex when it makes you feel revolted? Of course, this makes it difficult to be in a relationship and your current partner probably has no real idea of what you've been through.

I'd suggest that you need to go and talk to a therapist that has strong experience with sexual abuse. Because that's what has happened to you - you've been sexually abused over an extended period.

It may take quite a while to unpack your feelings and it may be a long while until you can relax and enjoy sex, but I believe that you really need to speak with a professional about your experiences. It's important that you be in a supportive, nurturing environment with someone that understands how to assist you.

I wish you all the best.

[Maureen_789]

Thank you very much for your prompt and insightful reply. I appreciate it.