[louiseismyname]

asking, thank you for those words they really helped me understand. I have such a gifted life that sometimes I wonder how I got this lucky. Its only this guy that keps dragging me down. Whilst I was reading your quote my ex text me (as had texted him earlier to say I will email some self harming info over rather than post it through his door and he said yes please email me the info rather than coming down as he didn't want me to see him like this)?
What he probaby meant that there was nothing wrong with him so he didn't want me coming down. I replied very politely and stated that il email the info over and that I think its best if we don't contact each other again and too take care. I hope I did the right thing??

I need to get my life back on track, I'm currently spending a lot of time with my nan who has terminal cancer and is at the hospital 5 times a week have radiotherapy. So its very hard for me at the moment trying to keep a sane mind xxxx

[talaniman]

Had texted him earlier to say I will email some self harming info over rather than post it through his door

What's wrong with his computer he can't get his own info?/ And before you make excuses for his pathetic distractions, and manipulations, you need to realize he is using your own mixed up feelings against you to keep you engaged with him, and you're a sucker for a sob story. Stop the contact.

I need to get my life back on track, I'm currently spending a lot of time with my nan who has terminal cancer and is at the hospital 5 times a week have radiotherapy. So its very hard for me at the moment trying to keep a sane mind xxxx

Stop the contact with this knucklehead, and focus on what you have to do, and leave the BS in the gutter where it belongs.

My gosh, please don't think in your time of need he is a support to you.

[louiseismyname]

talaniman, he don't know about my nan, I haven't told him as I didn't want to be a burden to him. Ive just text him the websites over and its up to him to do the rest. I cannot physically do anymore, I'm totally emotionally drained and ready for the scrap yard!!

Im going to put this deamon to rest and get on with my life knowing that I have done all I can for him, no doubt he will be back in a few weeks/days declaring his undying love for me but it won't wash this time. He is never there when I need him and is too selfish to think of anyone but himself. Even if he knew about my nan he wouldn't care hence the reason why I haven't said anything.

[talaniman]

Ignore him, that's a start.

[louiseismyname]

Thanks for all your help and advice. Im feeling a little better today, the sun is shining and that seems to help a lot for some reason??

I know understand that its not my fault that he does what he does, I would just like to ask one more question if I may.

He has text me and asked me to go along with him to one of his self harming sessions tomorrow? I think I know what your all going to say and that's not go with him and I don't think that would be a good idea if he says that I'm the reason that he cuts himself in the first place. He says he wants me to go with him to understand what he goes through?

Any suggestions how to handle this one please without hurting him even more, I've told him that I don't think it's a good idea and he went off in a right huff with me??

[amicon]

Louise-ignore him.
Yes you knew that would be the reply just as you k n o w that the ONLY way to get him out of your life for GOOD is to keep ignoring him.
You enjoy the sunshine and be good to yourself.

[louiseismyname]

amicon, wy would he want me to go with him to these sessions? When he says I'm the cuase of the cutting, is this another of his ways to make me feel bad, like he said he wants me to see what he has to go through??

I was angry last night when he asked me that and I said why don't you take your ex to the sessions and he replied I will then!!

[rk_coolguy]

STOP getting updates from your friends about him. You're just prolonging your pain and suffering.

You need to go into extreme no contact. You pretty much have to erase him from your life. Block him from email, social networks, IMs, etc. If your friends respected your well-being, they would help you keep him out of your life entirely. He's making your life too difficult.

You should be out meeting new people and having fun with friends. Not misery.

100 % correct.Dont allow him even in your thoughts

[asking]

Do not go with him. You do not need to know what he is going through.

Either say no, or just don't answer. Say goodbye (if you haven't already) and then don't answer anything he sends you. Best if you don't even read or listen to any messages.

[louiseismyname]

Thank you for all your replies, I really don't know where I would e without your help and support at this difficult time. The ex is just ignoring me at the mo, he has fits and starts of when he wants to text me back and when he don't!! I just never know where I am with him

Im not going to go with him tomorrow, I've told him that I'm fed up of him ignoring me again and that I'm off out for a beer and he should have a good life. Obviuosley I haven't heard from him since and probably won't for a couple of days/weeks.

He just plays mind games with me all the time

[DerelictHerds]

thank you for all your replies, i really dont know where i would e without your help and support at this difficult time.

You would be even better off if you listen to ALL of the advice here.

The ex is just ignoring me at the mo, he has fits and starts of when he wants to text me back and when he dont !!!!!

How do you know he's ignoring you? Are you STILL texting that guy?

i just never know where i am with him

You're his little toy. That's where you are with him.

Here's an idea: QUIT TEXTING HIM. Quit getting updates. Block him, change your number, whatever. It looks like you're still stuck on stupid. You're not progressing by standing up to him and repeatedly telling him crap. You'll progress if you go complete NC. Let the emotional dust settle. Then you're eyes will open up, and you'll see what the rest of us are seeing.

Im not going to go with him tomorrow, ive told him that im fed up of him ignoring me again and that im off out for a beer and he should have a good life. Obviuosley i havnt heard from him since and probably wont for a couple of days/weeks.

He just plays mind games with me all the time

Because you let him

[123skyscraper]

Sorry to be harsh here... but...

You are nothing to him. He's just playing around with you. He comes back to you when he has no one else. He doesn't love you. He's just saying nice things to you to keep you around, he doesn't mean any of it. He knows he can manipulate you and treat you like dirt and you would still stick around. This guy is poison, toxic, and I bet you he treats all the girls like dirt, which is why he doesn't have anyone and keeps coming back to you because you brush his ego and make him feel wanted.

Honey, you need to get yourself respect back. Don't let anyone take you for granted, use you, manipulate you and dump you aside for their personal gain.

I know it is hard, it is very hurtful because you love this person. But you need to think that sometimes we love people who do not deserve our love and we must cut them out of our life for our own good. So you need to cut off all contacts. Do not answer his calls. Do not answer any number you do not know. Do not open his emails. Block him from all social sites. Do not check up on him or any girl. Make it clear to your friends you do not want updates. If they do not listen, I suggest distance yourself from them because they are not really your friends.

Talk it out. Let it out. Be sad. Be angry. But you know as time passes by you will be happy because one day the right guy will come into your life and treat you the way you should be treated!

[louiseismyname]

sorry to be harsh here...but...

you are nothing to him. he's just playing around with you. he comes back to you when he has no one else. he doesnt love you. he's just saying nice things to you to keep you around, he doesnt mean any of it. he knows he can manipulate you and treat you like dirt and you would still stick around. this guy is poison, toxic, and i bet you he treats all the girls like dirt, which is why he doesnt have anyone and keeps coming back to you because you brush his ego and make him feel wanted.

honey, you need to get your self respect back. dont let anyone take you for granted, use you, manipulate you and dump you aside for their personal gain.

i know it is hard, it is very hurtful because you love this person. but you need to think that sometimes we love people who do not deserve our love and we must cut them out of our life for our own good. so you need to cut off all contacts. do not answer his calls. do not answer any number you do not know. do not open his emails. block him from all social sites. do not check up on him or any girl. make it clear to your friends you do not want updates. if they do not listen, i suggest distance yourself from them because they are not really your friends.

talk it out. let it out. be sad. be angry. but you know as time passes by you will be happy because one day the right guy will come into your life and treat you the way you should be treated!

Skyscraper - you were right those words were blunt but I needed to hear them!! It does hurt that he can use me like this. One day exting me then the next day ignoring me when I'm trying to help him. I really don't understand why he wants to play me like a fool (I suppose I'm too soft with him and he thinks il always be here for him when he needs me). For my own sanity I'm going to go cold turkey on him and this time for good Ive got my essay to sort out and my life to get back on track, its going to be hard and at the moment I feel like I've been stabbed in the back by him but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger don't they say.

Thanks for all your help and advice, you are all such lovely people and like I keep saying without the help on here I think I would have been in a funny farm with the ex a long time ago xxxx

[louiseismyname]

Just a quick update if you don't mind, I've got a new number and text the ex to say please don't text me again as I'm not being used by him any longer, he hasn't text me back and to be honest I'm glad!! The more I text him the more his ego is inflatd thinking that I care (which I do but I'm not showing it any longer) I'm going to have to walk away with my tail between my legs and somehow mend my broken heart.
At least some good has come out of all of this, I realise that I am worth more than 10 of him and I deserved to be treated with respect at the very least.

I still don't understand why he is ignoring me all of a sudden, maybe so that I keep texting him and saying "please dont ignore me" "i want to help you as i care for you" maybe he ignores me because he wants the attention?

[asking]

Stop thinking about what he's thinking!

Think your own thoughts. For example:

What are you going to have for dinner tonight? Do you need to buy any ingredients for that? Should you invite a relative to join you for Sunday dinner? What movie are you going to see next Friday night? Who can you get to go with you? Do you still have her number?

[louiseismyname]

asking you are right, I know that it is the right thing to do to move on and forget him but how do you "fall out of love with someone"? My heart is yearning for this person but my head says that he is bad news and will bring me nothing but bad news.

Im not going to contact him as I don't want to be his "puppet" as someone in an earlier thread stated, the thing that hurt me is everyone saying that he didn't love me in the slightest

Life is so so cruel

[talaniman]

His kind of love is poison to you for sure, but you don't fall out of love, you just put love for yourself as a much higher priority than what you feel for him. Maybe you can't stop what you feel for him, but you can be better at what you feel for yourself.

Texting him to leave you alone, and then worrying that he didn't text you back, is not love for yourself. Your hoping the poison shows up again. Ignoring him completely, no matter what, is showing the love for yourself you need.

[louiseismyname]

His kind of love is poison to you for sure, but you don't fall out of love, you just put love for yourself as a much higher priority than what you feel for him. Maybe you can't stop what you feel for him, but you can be better at what you feel for yourself.

Texting him to leave you alone, and then worrying that he didn't text you back, is not love for yourself. Your hoping the poison shows up again. Ignoring him completely, no matter what, is showing the love for yourself you need.

Thanks talaniman, you have a lovely way with words and making everything sound right. Im OK giving others advice its just taking it myself that is the trouble!! Whatever happens I'm at least walking out of this with self respect and dignity, all I ever do is text him and see if he needs myhelp, ask him if there's anything I can do for him and he still ignores these texts. At the end of the day if nothing else I think that is rude of him :mad:

[asking]

I was married to an abusive husband for 15 years. 99% of it was verbal abuse, constantly undermining me and humiliating me in front of others. It was different from your situation, but bad. I have been divorced from him for 8 years. But I still have to deal with him regularly because we have kids together. When he gets under my skin--and he still needles me and tries to complicate my life -- I used to start thinking about him and trying to figure him out. Big mistake! I have gotten good at just tuning out those thoughts and literally moving on to other thoughts and I'm much happier for it. I just don't care anymore what he thinks.

I don't know how you can get there, but that's where you need to be. You are giving your ex too much power over you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of influence on you.

Whether your ex loved you or not is just another irrelevant item. The answer depends on how you define love and what exact kinds of feelings he was capable of. It's just not worth spending a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what he was feeling when. Honestly, you'll never know. And it doesn't change anything. You have to find a way to let go of wondering. However you define love, it's not a reflection on you. And I think you have to stop seeing yourself through his eyes.

Being "in love" (if he was) is something that anyone can feel at times, even people with very bad values who lie, hurt, and use others. Love is a set of feelings that seem transcendent when you are feeling them, but are really very human. They don't make you a better person. If he was in love with you, that doesn't make his two-timing okay. Whatever his feelings, they were not enough to make him honest or faithful. It is no honor to be loved by someone like that.

Life can be cruel. But as others have pointed out, you are lucky to be out of this relationship, and not married with children with him. The pain you are feeling is intense but it will pass. It is a short term pain. Try to be brave.

Continue no contact. I'm glad you are doing that. The more strict you are about not communicating with him (at all), the sooner the pain will pass. And the more strict you are with yourself about not thinking about him, the sooner you will be happy again.

Take care!

[louiseismyname]

I was married to an abusive husband for 15 years. 99% of it was verbal abuse, constantly undermining me and humiliating me in front of others. It was different from your situation, but bad. I have been divorced from him for 8 years. But I still have to deal with him regularly because we have kids together. When he gets under my skin--and he still needles me and tries to complicate my life -- I used to start thinking about him and trying to figure him out. Big mistake! I have gotten good at just tuning out those thoughts and literally moving on to other thoughts and I'm much happier for it. I just don't care anymore what he thinks.

I don't know how you can get there, but that's where you need to be. You are giving your ex too much power over you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of influence on you.

Whether your ex loved you or not is just another irrelevant item. The answer depends on how you define love and what exact kinds of feelings he was capable of. It's just not worth spending a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what he was feeling when. Honestly, you'll never know. And it doesn't change anything. You have to find a way to let go of wondering. However you define love, it's not a reflection on you. And I think you have to stop seeing yourself through his eyes.

Being "in love" (if he was) is something that anyone can feel at times, even people with very bad values who lie, hurt, and use others. Love is a set of feelings that seem transcendent when you are feeling them, but are really very human. They don't make you a better person. If he was in love with you, that doesn't make his two-timing okay. Whatever his feelings, they were not enough to make him honest or faithful. It is no honor to be loved by someone like that.

Life can be cruel. But as others have pointed out, you are lucky to be out of this relationship, and not married with children with him. The pain you are feeling is intense but it will pass. It is a short term pain. Try to be brave.

Continue no contact. I'm glad you are doing that. The more strict you are about not communicating with him (at all), the sooner the pain will pass. And the more strict you are with yourself about not thinking about him, the sooner you will be happy again.

Take care!

asking - thank you so much for taking the time out and writing that lovely message. That is my problem, I think that because he don't love me its my fault, that I have done something wrong. How can a person one day text me and say that they have carved my name into there arm so that we will be together forever and the next just ignore me? Talk about mixed signals.

I have now learnt that its not my fault that he does these things to himself, I've told him so many times to stop but he don't listen, its like he likes the thought of me worrying over him.