[KATYTOON]

I had a baby 3 months ago and since then my partner has taken little or no interest in me. I feel fat frumpy and ugly and recently I found he had been looking at lots of porn on his PC. I got upset, cried a bit and asked him about it. I told him I could understand it if he was interested in having sex with me- but I get the usual "im tired" etc whenever I want to have sex or do anything intimate.

I explained I felt ugly compared to the women he was oggling, he said that's their job to look pretty, which made me feel so awful about myself. Men can be so inconsiderate. He says every bloke he knows does it - but is that the sort of bloke I want? He never says I look nice and complains I wear black all the time. Ive said I do this because it is supposed to be slimming. I have started to go to the gym but feel it's a waste of time and he is still not interested in me.

Ever since we moved in together the sweet notes, little cards and presents stopped. He thinks it's a waste of money and that's only something people first going out do? I want that sort of thing, romance, love and for him to make me feel special. Every time I mention anything we have a huge row.

Any ideas how to get him to appreciate me?

[Makiavelic76]

Dear friend:
First of all, you are passing through the most amazing and beautiful phase any human being can walk... giving life... This is a period where you should be proud and enjoy all the love feelings you will create for the new born. Your energies must be focused on that, at 70%, hopefully he will join this feeling and be part of this fruit love you create.
You don't need to make someone appeciate you... You need only to appreciate yourself and SHARE your life your partener.
3 moths is too early from my point of view to get worried about physical, you need love, protection, care more than sex, and if that love guides you both to sex... enjoy it.
Maybe your guy is old fashioned minded style, and he like to hear your demands, but you should try to communicate him in a way both of you are comfortable and not create any tension (a small letter from you).
I heard is normal at some level, that women pass through post delivery drepression, and please try to be as much conscientious of this, so you can avoid it.
Remember, you are the most important and beautiful person, not because what others say, but because you simply you are.
Ask him (finding the right form of comunication) what are his fears about this process, and the special treatment that you deserve now.
Best wishes for all 3 of you

[somebodys sister]

I had a baby 3 months ago and since then my partner has taken little or no interest in me. I feel fat frumpy and ugly and recently i found he had been looking at lots of porn on his pc. I got upset, cried a bit and asked him about it. I told him I could understand it if he was interested in having sex with me- but i get the usual "im tired" etc whenever I want to have sex or do anything intimate.

I explained i felt ugly compared to the women he was oggling, he said that's their job to look pretty, which made me feel so awful about myself. Men can be so inconsiderate. He says every bloke he knows does it - but is that the sort of bloke i want? He never says I look nice and complains i wear black all the time. Ive said i do this because it is supposed to be slimming. I have started to go to the gym but feel it's a waste of time and he is still not interested in me.

Ever since we moved in together the sweet notes, little cards and presents stopped. He thinks it's a waste of money and thats only something people first going out do? I want that sort of thing, romance, love and for him to make me feel special. Every time i mention anything we have a huge row.

Any ideas how to get him to appreciate me?

You described three issues in our post:

1. You feel fat, frumpy and ugly
2. He's looking at porn
3. You don't feel that he is interested in you

You only have control over the first, so do what you need to do to feel good again! Keep going to the gym (go for you!), use your baby as a free weight while you do squats and sit ups, get a pilates tape. If you are feeling that he isn't interested, the last thing you need is to feel unattractive. My guess is that you'll not only feel the rush of those endorphins, but you'll also start getting more looks.

I wouldn't confront him about the porn. Not only do those women get paid to look good, but they never nag either. For all you know, he may just be looking for an escape that has nothing to do with his desire for you.

Be patient with him. You two have just had a baby, and it's natural that your relationship will evolve. Make sure that you continue to hug, kiss, and cuddle through your dry spell to keep your connection alive. You mentioned that he's too concerned about money for little gifts, tells you he's too tired to make love, and fights with you when you bring things up. The man may just be stressed! He's now a man with a family that he's responsible for, and the ones don't take that lightly.

You deserve to feel loved and desired. Work on making yourself feel good and I'm sure he'll come around. Good luck!

[Wildcat21]

Well, from a guys stand point - he's a real jerk. You see the real person now. What a freaking idiot this guy is.

I'd tell him everything you've told us!! He shouldn't be on porn sites if he were a mture, healhty man. Somethng isn't right here. Tell him wha ta complete jerk he is - because he is.

I bet you come across as too needy, insecure. Stop that! Stop give him any attentio nfor a while. Get to the gym - work out.

If thngs don't improve... well - you need to be happy.

[KATYTOON]

Think your sort of all missing the problem here, it's not just about the sex or the porn, it's about the fact that at the time I need my partner the most he just isn't interested - in any aspect.

I can't remember the last time he made me feel special or compliment me or make me feel loved and to me and I should think any woman that is so important. His opinion means a lot to me.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Have you tried communicating, I mean REALLY communicating these issues to him.

Communication is key and will help resolve many issues.

[KATYTOON]

The problem is we are due to get married in February, I am so in love with him but seem to get nothing back. It's like talking to a brick wall and whenever I raise my problems with him we row. It's all very upsetting.

I just want to be appreciated.

[Makiavelic76]

Try writing him a letter asking him about what are his concerns and explaining what you need now... maybe without the "face to face" comunication, it will come with some helpful info for both of you

Totally agree with Geoffersonairplane: you are pretty!!
Greetings

[talaniman]

KATYTOON-A little more info such as how long you have been together would help a lot and another thing, It is so natural for a women to be a little depressed and overly needy after having a child. That's what the pain of child birth and the drastic changes a woman's body go through brings after the child has arrived. Not only does the body have to rebuild itself but the mind does also. I am a father of two and remember quite well how my wife reacted after our first. She never wanted me or her child out of our site and honestly I would have been very content to stay and pamper her but we did have to eat but my father had told me that woman have great needs after their first born and it doesn't hurt to be around more for them. He was right, and to this day (after32 years) I feel my wife still appreciates me for that time together. So I understand your feelings but you have to also consider he may not have the same knowledge I was privileged to have and many men get a little jealous about sharing their wife and losing attention he was used to. Communication is the key to a strong long relationship, so talking may accomplish more than crying. I still would want to know how long you've been together and I hope I helped some.

[Wildcat21]

My point was - you're seeing the real guy. Do you really want on move forward with this type of action?

And he has no business being on porn - how imature is he?

I like the letter writing part - but I am big time writer. Express everything - you have to be able to tell him everythinng IF you paln to marry.

Not sure if he is reasdy for this.

HOW OLD ARE BOTH OF YOU??

[Depressed in MO]

I don't know if this is an answer, rather than an opinion. But typically, a man likes a confident woman. You really do need to sit back and enjoy your time with your baby while your body is still healing from having him/her. Don't over work your body during the healing process. Eat healthy, do you moderate exercise (at least until six months has passed-unless otherwise directed by your OB). You need to feel good about yourself before you can see his interest in you. I've been through this before too, and this is what my man told me, and he was right.
Also, having a baby changes things. Not necessarily for the wose, but just makes things different. The romance might be less, but that's because a lot of the attention that was given to each other before the baby-is now going straight to the baby. And I am sure you are very tired! I could say so much here, but the bottom line is, if you want him to make you feel more beautiful and appreciated, you have to start to appreciate yourself and make yourself feel more beautiful.
As far as the porn goes-It truly is disrespectful and I fear could lean towards other things if he continues. You do need to communicate in a calmly manner how it makes you feel.
-And, from the same partner, I was also told that he feared of "hurting" me having sex so soon after the baby was born-which is actually a considerate thought. I thought he was full of it at first, but then I discussed it with my doctor during a post baby check up and said a lot of men do actually feel this way. -Your guy may be feeling this way as well-he just did not communicate it to you-therefore; a lack of communication between you both may be what is causing you to feel the way you do as you are confused to why these things are happening.

[Tuscany]

I think you should talk to him. I had a friend who's wife had a baby and he began to pull away. Not because he did not love her anymore, and not because he did not love the child. He pulled away because he was nervous. He was worried that he could not give his wife and this new child the life that they deserved. He eased his worries by going to strip clubs (NEVER went to them before), and by putting emotional distance between himself and his wife.
It was not until she asked him about it that he broke down (cried) and told her that he was nervous and worried. They worked through this together, and now they are proud parents of 2 beautiful kids.

[ordinaryguy]

I don't know. This is a tough call. Some men go all freaky and flighty and run from the responsibility of fatherhood. It sure sounds like, at the very least, he's not trying very hard to support both you and the baby. He may be wanting to run, and that would be truly tragic for everybody involved if he does. All I can say is, do your part, but don't take the whole burden on yourself to make him want you and be willing to love and support you. He has to make his choices here, and you will have to accept them whatever they are.

What he doesn't have a choice about is providing financial support for his child. Do whatever it takes to get his obligation on the books and have the law behind you on this. I know it sounds harsh to be talking about money when what you really want is love and tenderness, but the law can't compel that. What the law can and should compel him to do is support his child, and you have no reason to feel guilty or apologetic about insisting that he live up to that obligation, whether he is willing to be a loving husband and father. It's really sad that some men can't see how much they lose when they run from this, but there's no help for it, really, if that's what they insist on.

[valinors_sorrow]

I agree with Ordinaryguy and sense there is some significance to that little bit of info that slid by about getting married in February. Its possible that he is feeling roped into this marriage and as it approaches, his conflict heightens. If the pregnancy was unplanned and neither of you took precautions, then it is the responsibility of both of you and he is sadly having trouble owning his part. But more than one pregnant girlfriend has learned the hard way that pregnancy doesn't guarantee love from a partner. What is a guy to do if he gets a girl pregnant who he understands he doesn't love? It makes him a cad, yes. Big dilemma. With that said, I don't think its wise to think that having a child automatically means the parents get married. That could be compounding a difficult situation and may need to be reconsidered. At the very least, you will get child support, and at the very best a loving husband -- its up to him. For the sake of you and your baby, I would be asking him for the truth. If you encourage his love out of a sense of guilt, you will all lose.

[Cb1]

If you are not married to this guy, I think you are wasting your time, get out now and do it the right way.
Why? Do you want to raise your child if she is a girl to become hooked on self abuse by staying with a highly dysfunctional man and if he is a boy do you want to raise him to become a potential misguided man like your current man.
Why do you think there are so many nasty marriages and divorce, it's simply because the men are nasty and insensitive and the women STAY with such men thereby passing the message that it is OK to let a man misbehave, your boy will grow up the same way and your daughter will only attract nasty men.
You see all this, all this is just an issue of SELF WORTH!!

[vintagedoll1940]

Do not waste your time trying to figure him out you can never figure them(man) out.
Your job right know is it feel good about yourself look at yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful don't worry about him looking at porn all man do the same no matter how in love they are.You had kids and that's making you feel down you should try mixing the black up a bit try some red lipstick fix yourself a little more then usual go out with the girls just have fun.He will notice something is up and eventually try and talk to you or maby even complement you.

(im only 18 but I hope my advice helped)



Much love,