[talaniman]

I agree with KC, you are far to attached emotionally but the facts say he is still in need of unpacking his bags. That's a dangerous combination in my book, and rebound is the word I too, would use. You need to protect your heart. Its leading you down a dangerous path I think.

Far to many think that helping someone through hard times is a sign of love and they give their all on the hope they will get the same thing back.

Sorry doctor, when your patient gets healthy again they will leave to find their own happiness, because now they are ready.

Its obvious, he is not ready for what you want, and your are to blinded to see the red flags waving in front of you.

Protect your heart, my dear, whatever you do.

Plus I'm not buying the dogs are sick. It sounded like an excuse to see his ex, and made you wait in the car to boot. Ever think you were used to get her goat? Make her jealous? What other reason would there be to bring you with him to see his sick dogs.

[whitesnow2009]

While you might make the argument that bandages do help and that you want to help him, think about what happens to used bandages. Do you really want to stay around to thrown away when he decides that you are no longer helping or needed? That would not be good for your own self-respect and self-esteem.

Thank you so much for your advice.

I like to say I am very desirable & quality woman. He knows it. In our fist date, he told me he was lucky to meet me, and felt like he hit the jackpot.

What I need to be is not a bandage, but the quality woman who can give a better life than his ex wife could for him. If he sees me well, he will find it out. Only the matter is if he is caught up with his own wounds, he will not have eyes to see me, or he will not have enough room to invest enough energy to know me better. It is sad. I am with him, but he is not emotionally with me 100%.

To go back to your question, he seemed dated other 2 women before me, but not serious and each lasted about 2 month while he was still in divorcing period.
I guess it makes the situation worse... I am more concerned now... Please give more advice. Thank you so much.

[Gemini54]

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to back off.

You would not be writing to this forum if you did not have concerns, and clearly your intuition is telling you that something is not quite right. Listen to your intuition, not your desire to be in a relationship.

It's only been 3 months. I don't want to diminish what you're feeling, but it isn't a long time to be in a relationship. In reality you hardly know this man. Yes, it's disappointing, hurtful even, but it's not the end of the world.

He has serious emotional baggage and he's not ready to let go of his previous relationship - there are issues of hurt, trust, betrayal and money involved. He sounds damaged and fragile.

Notwithstanding all of that, he has already lied 'to protect you' from knowledge of the Ex and you are already convinced you can give him a better life that his Ex. It's only been 3 months and both of you are already playing out your own drama with her at the centre.

His Ex will be central to his life for quite a while. If you stay with him you will always feel that there is a third person in the relationship that you are either trying to better or compete with.

I agreew ith Tal. Protect your heart. Why seek out pain and disappointment?

[talaniman]

To much, to fast, crash, and burn.

Everything looks good when its fresh and new, and intense. The blinders don't come off until the honeymoon phase is over and you really learn what he is about

[whitesnow2009]

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to back off.

You would not be writing to this forum if you did not have concerns, and clearly your intuition is telling you that something is not quite right. Listen to your intuition, not your desire to be in a relationship.

It's only been 3 months. I don't want to diminish what you're feeling, but it isn't a long time to be in a relationship. In reality you hardly know this man. Yes, it's disappointing, hurtful even, but it's not the end of the world.

He has serious emotional baggage and he's not ready to let go of his previous relationship - there are issues of hurt, trust, betrayal and money involved. He sounds damaged and fragile.

Notwithstanding all of that, he has already lied 'to protect you' from knowledge of the Ex and you are already convinced you can give him a better life that his Ex. It's only been 3 months and both of you are already playing out your own drama with her at the centre.

His Ex will be central to his life for quite a while. If you stay with him you will always feel that there is a third person in the relationship that you are either trying to better or compete with.

I agreew ith Tal. Protect your heart. Why seek out pain and disappointment?

Gemini54,
It is indeed the wisest advice I can ever get!
Yes, I am uneasy because something is not there, which is just him. He is with me, but not with me... It seems his Ex will be central to his life for quite a while no matter I like it or not. I guess I have to protect my heart. It is so painful to make a decision to back off from him... I am in tear... Thank you so much.

[whitesnow2009]

To much, to fast, crash, and burn.

Everything looks good when its fresh and new, and intense. The blinders don't come off until the honeymoon phase is over and you really learn what he is about

talaniman,
Thank you for your advice.
Yes, you are right. I am definitely in honeymoon phase, everything looks extraordinary good, everything smells too good, it blows my mind off. My feet are off the ground, while I cannot feel the real him. It makes me nervous.
I cannot believe I developed this intense feeling so fast in a short period, but I clearly know something is not right.

Last night he called me as usual, but our phone conversation seemed little different since I brought up his emotional baggage matter. I had a feeling that he was very careful not to direct our conversation to the topic. He seemed to be defensive from me. As far as I know, he never had bad words towards his ex wife even though she cheated and divorced him.

He is coming over tonight. We see each other Wednesday, and weekend (Saturday to Sunday). I need to do something to protect me not crash over the man who are not ready for real relationship. If he is not available emotionally, then he is only ghost, and off limit... I am in so much pain.

If I break off, will he miss me, and change his attitude, and pay attention to our relationship and come back?

I am not sure how to handle it though. Should I tell him directly, I want a break until he is ready? Should I tell him I will wait until he is ready? I will not know how long it will take for him to heal. It is very difficult for me. I really love this man, like to keep seeing him, but if he just use me for fill the gap or bandage, it will not do anything for our relationship.. I will appreciate if you let me know what is the best way to handle it in your opinion.

Thank you so much again.

[talaniman]

In my opinion, you have to be honest and so does he, you have to communicate on that level of honesty.

It may be to early to see into the future, and dating should be fun while you learn about each other, so you have to back up some, and protect your heart while you develop that communications.

I would certainly tell him your fears, and concerns, and see if he is willing to open himself up to address those concerns truthfully, because guys will say they have feelings for you to keep you, but keep back any deeper feelings for his own situation.

By investing so much of yourself, to fast, you run the risk of cutting the fun of romance and dating, and getting to honestly know your partner, and miss things you need to know.

To your credit though, you have recognized he is closed to you in areas that matter, and that's why you're here.

Slow down, and pay attention, and be objective because as time goes by you can realistically see, whether he can open up, or can be honest and upfront, or if he is willing to work with you to build something, or is he in it for his own reasons.

For you personally, its all about protecting your own heart, and seeing if the risks are worth the effort.

Now have fun, but don't get carried away by those intense good feelings.

[whitesnow2009]

In my opinion, you have to be honest and so does he, you have to communicate on that level of honesty.

It may be to early to see into the future, and dating should be fun while you learn about each other, so you have to back up some, and protect your heart while you develop that communications.

I would certainly tell him your fears, and concerns, and see if he is willing to open himself up to address those concerns truthfully, because guys will say they have feelings for you to keep you, but keep back any deeper feelings for his own situation.

By investing so much of yourself, to fast, you run the risk of cutting the fun of romance and dating, and getting to honestly know your partner, and miss things you need to know.

To your credit though, you have recognized he is closed to you in areas that matter, and thats why your here.

Slow down, and pay attention, and be objective because as time goes by you can realistically see, whether he can open up, or can be honest and upfront, or if he is willing to work with you to build something, or is he in it for his own reasons.

For you personally, its all about protecting your own heart, and seeing if the risks are worth the effort.

Now have fun, but don't get carried away by those intense good feelings.

talaniman,
Thank you for your encouragement! It means a lot to me.

I will no my best to take it slow. I should not be too serious, and it might give him pressure. I will do my best to have fun together not anxiously to see the sign of seeing the future together. What is in hurry anyway. I should have good time together, try to experience new fun stuff together. I must like him too much, and I am pressuring myself too. I should not. While we are having fun together, we will build good communication skills too (I hope).

Thank you so much! I feel relived. :)