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louiseismyname · Oct 19, 2009, 06:42 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

So far he has been right hasn't he? Stop answering his texts, what part of that do you not understand? Thats not NO Contact your doing, your just being manipulated and lied to yet again. Read this post,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...?=#post2039716

Its time to put your foot down, and stop accepting this kind of behavior for yourself. Do the work required by NC, and leave the jerk alone and let him pay the consequences of his actions, not you. Keep this selfish fiend out of your life as he sure isn't showing you love or respect, so deserves none from you.

Whats worse is the real victim is your new partner, who is being deprived of a real chance at happiness because your more concerned with an idiot, than yourself, or him. How sick is that?

Thanks Talaniman, you are so right, I do love him and MAYBE he loves me? But there is no trust there and he treats me like s$%t when he does come back into my life. Im just so scared that he is going to do something silly though, I understand that I have no control over what he does but he says that ITS BECAUSE OF ME that he carves my name into his skin. That makes me feel very guily and low

talaniman · Oct 19, 2009, 06:50 AM

I understand, but your looking at this through pure emotions, and not seeing the facts of the matter.

He doesn't love you, but you wanted him too. His actions are not those of love, but desperation. That's really twisted, and he is twisting you to be like him.

Now don't make me call you names that you don't want to hear. But its as frustrating for us to go through this with you, and we do care and want you happy, and emotionally healthy.

If you just do the NC, things would get better over time, and we would all be happy.

amicon · Oct 19, 2009, 06:55 AM

Tal.
Having to spread rep-but agree 100%-Louise-the guy s old news and he s bad news.
Please do the NC.

louiseismyname · Oct 19, 2009, 06:57 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I understand, but your looking at this thru pure emotions, and not seeing the facts of the matter.

He doesn't love you, but you wanted him too. His actions are not those of love, but desperation. Thats really twisted, and he is twisting you to be like him.

Now don't make me call you names that you don't want to hear. But its as frustrating for us to go thru this with you, and we do care and want you happy, and emotionally healthy.

If you just do the NC, things would get better over time, and we would all be happy.

No please don't call me names as I really couldn't take that right now lol!! I've dropped him a text to let him know that my phone is gpoing off and now that I'm gone out of his life that I hope he stops cutting himself. I do need to concentrate on me and my partner but its so hard. I understand that you probably hear lots of stories like mine (I did read the link you sent me on the last page, thank you) but I don't know anyone else who is/has gone through this self harming issue with an ex before?

I want to move on and it hurts me to read above when you stated that he don't love me, but your probably correct, he says he would die for me etc etc and that I'm his one true love and that he can never be with anyone else as he would never love them like he loves me but that's all a lie probably.
I just don't know how to move on and forget about someone that it backmailing me with self harming?

talaniman · Oct 19, 2009, 07:26 AM

blackmailing me with self harming?

Its more common than you think, and sadly a lot of young people are doing it. There are many such stories like yours in the TEEN section of this forum.

Its always about control, not love. It's the sign of a sick, twisted mind, that needs help, professional help.

Ordinary folks can't help them.

louiseismyname · Oct 19, 2009, 07:31 AM

I thought he may love me, he tells me often enough but then his words or actions don't match up, I think your right when you say its about control, he wants to control me and because I won't be with him he hurts himself to get attention I think. Don't get me wrong I'm no expert on the matter.

Ive just found out that a close family member has got terminal cancer so I'm finding things a lot harder to deal with a the minute, I've not told me ex about this as he only cares about himself and his life. He don't think that there canbe anything wrong in anybody else's life apart from his.

asking · Oct 19, 2009, 07:55 AM

Loise,
I just read your first few posts and the last few. At the beginning, you asked "why" he lies and here at the end you are wondering whether he loves you. I can tell you that in both cases it does not matter.

It is not your job to figure how why he lies, why he cuts himself, whether he really loves you, and the many other questions his behavior raises. He is an unsuitable partner and it would be a mistake for you to spend the rest of your life with him or even several years (during which you have children and must then, finally and blessedly, divorce). He is not your burden to bear and the details of his psychology are not your problem. Every time you start to wonder why he did or said something, stop yourself and remind yourself it doesn't matter and think about something more pleasant.

The voice of experience

talaniman · Oct 19, 2009, 07:56 AM

No Contact with the ex for any reason.

louiseismyname · Oct 19, 2009, 07:59 AM

I'm going NC again, I'm just going to have to concentrate on me for a bit rather than spend my time wondering whether he is dead in a ditch as awful as that sounds.

louiseismyname · Oct 19, 2009, 08:20 AM

Thanks you all for your words of advice , lets hope I can stick to it, I'm sure I've got the will power to not let him ruin my life like he is currently doing

I wish · Oct 19, 2009, 08:23 AM

You've been broken up for months, but every time you contact him, you reset all the progress.

You're not the only person who has difficulty starting and sticking with no contact. It's a really tough phase. You should also know that the pain can get ever worse in the early stages of no contact. But once it reaches its pinacle, it will only get easier from there.

It's all about will power. If you ever feel the urge to break no contact, feel free to post your urge here and we'll set you start. You can also try reading this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

louiseismyname · Oct 20, 2009, 03:21 AM

I've made a terrible mistake well approx 4 terrible mistakes already today, I've text the ex 4 times to ask why is he ignoring me all of a sudden!! I really regret doing this now and feel stupid.
Do you think this is what he wants, for me to keep bombarding him with texts asking about his welfare? He has replied to any texts I've sent since Sunday morning when he drove past my house and he found out I was away for the weekend.
How do I stop caring when he can't even be bothered to reply to my texts when I see if he is OK
Please help, any advice will be seriously appreciated

amicon · Oct 20, 2009, 04:04 AM

By texting him you re playing straight into his manipulative little mindgames.
Do you want to spend months and years reinacting this drama?
Stop your texts, detox from this person and get on with your own life and be happy.

louiseismyname · Oct 20, 2009, 04:11 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

By texting him you re playing straight into his manipulative little mindgames.
Do you want to spend months and years reinacting this drama?
Stop your texts, detox from this person and get on with your own life and be happy.

Your so right amicon, hence why I felt such a fool after I text him 4 times today to see if he is OK but he is yet to respond. Why would he ignore my texts though?

amicon · Oct 20, 2009, 04:41 AM

That's why I wrote detox-you need to go cold turkey on him.
No more contact. Ever.

louiseismyname · Oct 20, 2009, 04:49 AM

Thank you for your advice, my friend has (rightly or wrongly) text him today to say leave me alone and that she knows he is lying regarding cutting my name into his arm, she told him a few home truths that were probably very nasty but she said that they needed to be said.
Im going to get on with my life somehow? Trying to switch my emootions off is going to be hard be I've enough to try and occupy myself with at the moment, I've got 6000 word essay to write before the end of Nov.

My and my ex couldn't be any different really, they say opposites attract but I don't know if that's the case here. Im 31, got my own house, a degree and a masters, nice car and he is living at home with his parents at 30 with no qualifications and no enthusiasm for life.

I just don't know how I stop loving someone like that but I understand that NC is really my only option at the minute. I feel like I'm losing the plot big time by keep texting him and being ignored, it hurts me so much that he don't care about my feelings only his own xxx

amicon · Oct 20, 2009, 05:02 AM

You re doing well in life-and you deserve to be happy.
Good luck with the essay.

louiseismyname · Oct 20, 2009, 05:12 AM

Thanks amicon, I really don't feel like I'm doing well in life, on the outside I may seem happy but inside everyday is a struggle for me with my ex and what he is doing xxx

louiseismyname · Oct 20, 2009, 06:17 AM

I'm just so so down and don't know how to lift this feeling? The pain that he has put me through, I just don't understand why he would do this to me. Im trying to get my head straigh to start my essay but all I can think of is him and what if he is hurting himself. It just feels like a circle and I really do want to break the circle as I've had enough of going round and round and ending up the one who is hurt and ignored

asking · Oct 20, 2009, 07:17 AM

Hi Louise,

If I may be blunt, I think you have become used to drama or even a bit addicted to it. It may not come naturally to you, but in your relationship with your ex, there's a constant cycle of breaking up and making up. You seemed pulled to make up with him even when there is absolutely no possibility of being happy with this man. As you pointed out yourself, you deserve better.

I wonder if you don't partly feel that you SHOULD care whether he cuts himself? Well, I'm here to give you permission not to care. You do not have to worry about it. From what you've said, you think he's making it up. Your instincts are probably right, since you know him best. But what if he has really done it? Well, so he has a weird scar for the rest of the his life. His problem, not yours. Frankly, it's unlikely he would have the courage to do it. But if he has, his parents will get him to a doctor. You are not his mother--although it seems like he interacts with you as if you were a parent.

Think long term. Ask yourself, where do I want to be in five years? Do I want to be having drama with X? Envision for yourself what you want. It sounds like you've done a lot to get yourself to that vision already if you have a house, a masters and a career. Do you want to be married? Do you want children? Do you want to travel or accomplish some specific career goal? Do you want to do something for the world around you? You seem talented and able. How are you going to use that? Whatever it is, you can't do it with your ex in the picture because he is a human ball and chain who will drag you down as long as you are thinking about him instead of your own plans.

Throw yourself into the essay and don't think about X. This is YOUR life, not his.

Be strong! I know you have it in you to stop texting this noodlehead. :)