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CoRox35 · Oct 19, 2009, 02:53 PM

So after 2 1/2 years (last april) my g/f broke up with me because she was freaking out about the future and needed time to figure herself out. We talked and I begged her to come back (I know that was dumb), but she finally realized what I was saying was right and we got back. But, I told her that I don't want to get back if you are going to pull this crap again. She said she wouldn't. Well 6 months went by and everything was fine until 2 weeks ago when she pulled the same excuse and wanted to break up and take time apart.

Right now I am really confused and devastated but not as bad as the 1st time. I am 23 and she is 22 and her reasons are because she just felt like she was so comfortable with me and she knew that if she didn't get out of her comfort zone we would just get married and she wouldn't be able to do the things that she wants to do in life. I understand this but she always told me that I was the Love of Her Life and that she could see herself marrying me and that she was pretty much obsessed with me. I just feel like if you find someone that you care about and can see yourself being with for the rest of your life (like she does with me) why let them go.

She is about to finish school at the University we both went to and then will stay in the state to study for the GRE and take a French class to hopefully go do humanitarian work at a 3rd world country in Africa. See this girls has always been able to do the things she wants because she comes from a rich family that gives her things she wants, i.e. car, nice apartment, semester abroad, clothes, everything pretty much.

We had a great relationship (one that all her friends loved and seemed to be jealous of) but she feels like she has never been alone since she has gone from relationship to relationship (we met a few months after her ex but then waited a few more to actually be b/f & g/f). So she now, after great years, wants to be alone and I can't understand why. She is my first love but I was in other relationships but never wanted to take them to the next step because I never felt it was right until I met her. She said she loved her last b/f, but was never In Love like she is with me and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her.

She always said that she is worried I would leave her because she was my first love and I would want to see what else is out there, but now she leaves me to be alone and do things without me which is contradictory to everything she's ever said about us. Also, her mom has told me and her more importantly that she will never find another man that will treat her and be better for her than me. So why risk losing me if she knows that she will never find anyone better.

We just talked today (I'm trying not contact but it's extremely difficult) and she had to leave work because she is having anxiety about us and school and work and that she hasn't slept well since we broke up. Yet, she is still very persistent in her taking this time apart/break up because it's what she really wants to do and losing me is a risk she is willing to take.

She said that doesn't want me to wait around for her, and I agree but at the same time I just have this feeling that she will come back around and realize that I'm not worth losing forever. But, on the phone today she again seemed pretty persistent that she was going to go to Africa for sure and that she wants to be single for at least 2 years. She says that she doesn't want anyone else besides me at least for a couple years. And that she hopes someday down the road (2 years) that we cross paths and start all over. I made a joke and said that I'd call her on Oct. 19 2011 and we would start dating again and she started balling her eyes out as if it made her happy that I loved her that much. If there was one thing I have ever been more certain about in this very uncertain world it was me and her for life and now it doesn't seem that way and I am crushed. I'm told her that I'm not waiting around for her and she asked me not to, but part me just can't let my best friend and g/f, who has showed me more than I could imagine about life, just walk out the door and hope we reunite in a few years.

Funny thing is I gave her her freedom and she went abroad for 4 months Junior year and although we stayed together and Skyped every day or so, she was still exploring the world without me there and was pretty much single enjoying life.

I mean what else more could this girl want seriously! She has made grand plans before to do certain things but they always fell through. I guess what I am saying is that the future is unpredictable, very unpredictable, but one thing is for certain and this is me always being there for her than why let go of the one thing that is certain in life.

I kind of hope that she ends up getting a job here in CO and her plans fall through but at the same time I want her to be happy in life but I know she will never be as happy with anyone else as she is with me. Why risk being happy in life for 2 years, when you could end up not being happy and stuck with someone else for the rest of your life?

I guess I'm just looking for some advice from others who may have been in this situation to help me out or just anyone who can help out. Thanks for listening I really appreciate it!

Wondergirl · Oct 19, 2009, 03:04 PM

I have regretted for over 40 years that I got married and didn't travel and be independent and do all sorts of things I could never have done as a married woman.

I totally understand how she feels and admire her if she follows through and does all those things she wants to do.

A4Effort · Oct 19, 2009, 03:11 PM

I think you copied and pasted my story because I am going through this same thing. Take a look at my thread. There is plenty of great advice in there that is very much applicable to your situation.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-399345.html

kwtmy3angels · Oct 19, 2009, 10:50 PM

I find this interesting. This past weekend I told my husband that I wanted out. I told him that I wanted more for myself then being a housewife and mother. I am in my 20 and I understand what your girlfriend is going through. All I can't tell you is give her time. My mom used to tell me in order to know true love you have to let it go and see if returns. I bet she loves you. She is just scared that once she marries you. She will loose who she is. I bet things will work out.

talaniman · Oct 19, 2009, 10:53 PM

I mean what else more could this girl want seriously!

Until it happens to you, you may never understand that despite the love, and good treatment, her feelings have changed, and she wants to explore the world as see what out there for her. She no longer wants what you want any more.

Sorry guy, I know it hurts to have the world change on you like this, but accept it, and get use to it being just you.

You really to have to heal, and regroup, because this whole thing is out of your hands totally. It sucks, I know, and we all have been there. Some of us more than a few times but we push on.

Takes a lot of time though, and your in the right place. Read my signature.

CoRox35 · Oct 19, 2009, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Until it happens to you, you may never understand that despite the love, and good treatment, her feelings have changed, and she wants to explore the world as see what out there for her. She no longer wants what you want any more.

Sorry guy, I know it hurts to have the world change on you like this, but accept it, and get use to it being just you.

You really to have to heal, and regroup, because this whole thing is out of your hands totally. It sucks, I know, and we all have been there. Some of us more than a few times but we push on.

Takes a lot of time though, and your in the right place. Read my signature.

I agree to an extent. She flat out told me that there is no one else that should wants to be with and if she wants to be with someone it would only be me. She is coming to a point in her life where she finally has to make her OWN decisions and not rely on the money/security that her father has given her and she wants to make sure that she can do things on HER OWN. Unless she was lying to me, she said she wants me to be there when she is ready to get back into a relationship, but that she doesn't want me to just wait around for her, which I am not doing. I think she wants both of us to explore our own lives individually to truly realize if we are both meant to be, which is what she ultimately wants in the end and that's ME! But I'm not waiting around

talaniman · Oct 19, 2009, 11:04 PM

Good attitude as waiting could take forever.

CoRox35 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:50 AM

Any other help? I'm trying to go No Contact but she was my best friend and girlfriend and it's just sooo damn hard. I can't stop analyzing the situation and thinking about her.

I wish · Oct 20, 2009, 09:55 AM

It doesn't matter what her reason is for breaking up with you, the point is, she doesn't want to continue the relationship anymore. You can't force her to stay in a relationship.

It's definitely time for you to focus on yourself. Try keeping yourself as busy as possible and avoid thinking about the break up. Thinking about it will prolong the pain and suffering.

And you're right, there's no reason for you to put your life on hold to wait for her to come back.

CoRox35 · Oct 20, 2009, 09:40 PM

She said that she isn't in love with me right now because she isn't in love with herself? What does that exactly mean because it sounds like B.S. to me? Also that she isn't emotionally there with me, at least for right now and that if she wants to be in a relationship then I would be the one she would want to be with.

But then she says that her feeling for me haven't changed and she just needs time alone to figure herself out and focus on her career aspirations. I told her that we could do that together and work it out but she said that she felt so comfortable with me that if she didn't get out of her comfort zone she would just end up marrying me in a couple years and regret it later in life. I agree but at the same time I'm so confused.

zippit · Oct 20, 2009, 09:45 PM

I think you are focusing on the wrong part of the facts she has given you,B.S. or not she has requested some time and your going to have to deal with that.Time will tell if it was what she says it is,if she moves on it was her way of breaking up,if she uses the time to do what she says she wants to do you will hear from her.Question is how long are you willing to wait.

friend4u178 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by CoRox35

What does it mean when my recent ex says this?

It usually means that she wants to breakup with you and is letting you down gently , it also makes her feel less guilty.

Sorry Pal.

CoRox35 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

It usually means that she wants to breakup with you and is letting you down gently , it also makes her feel less guilty.

Sorry Pal.

WOW! Thanks for the help and vote of confidence!

friend4u178 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by CoRox35

WOW! Thanks for the help and vote of confidence!

Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear , but unfortunately that's what it normally is.

I really hope for your sake I'm wrong.

Enigma1999 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:52 PM

Hello C,

Well it's pretty clear to me that she wants to break up with you.. I actually give her credit for being upfront and honest. I am sure that you have heard people say, "you can't love someone else until you love yourself"? Just be thankful that she doesn't want to waste anymore of your time. I know it's hurtful to hear, but would you rather her hold on to you out of guilt, and really break your heart? I wish you luck my friend.

CoRox35 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello C,

Well it's pretty clear to me that she wants to break up with you.. I actually give her credit for being upfront and honest. I am sure that you have heard people say, "you can't love someone else until you love yourself"? Just be thankful that she doesn't want to waste anymore of your time. I know it's hurtful to hear, but would you rather her hold on to you out of guilt, and really break your heart?? I wish you luck my friend.

I mean she already did break my heart. It was a 3 year relationship where, for the most part, things were good. She did this 6 months ago and we got back together after a month. She has always been handed things in life and now I just think she is confused about what she truly wants in life and she doesn't want me there to influence that. She frequently changes her mind about what she wants to do next and what not. If she truly wants me in life I guess she'll come back, but I can't wait for her.

Enigma1999 · Oct 20, 2009, 11:21 PM

Hello again,

Then you shouldn't wait for her. Like I said before, she was very upfront and honest with you. Let her work on herself, then maybe in due time you guys may get back together again. Good luck.

slapshot_oi · Oct 21, 2009, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by CoRox35

See this girls has always been able to do the things she wants bc she comes from a rich family that gives her things she wants, i.e. car, nice apartment, semester abroad, clothes, everything pretty much... She frequently changes her mind about what she wants to do next and what not

She's never done something on her own, ever. It's always been given to her. She wants to do something for herself for a change, and it's of no help that she doesn't have a direction in life.

CoRox35 · Oct 21, 2009, 09:56 AM

Well thanks for all the help guys! It's been two weeks and during the 1st two weeks we talked here and there( not contact for 2 days and then contact and so on). We had a 2 hour talk on Monday where I told her I wanted closure so that I could move on with my life. She gave me some closure but at the same time she tells me that her feelings for me haven't changed and she still loves me very much and that she would like me to be there when she comes around but that I shouldn't wait for her. Why would she say this if she didn't mean it?

Well I need to move on because quite frankly I do deserve better but it's just hard because we were best friends as well. She knows that she won't find anyone better than me because she has had a few serious relationships before ours and told me that I was far above those relationships and her mom even said she doesn't think she'll find better than me. I am kind of rambling, but I just keep getting that thought into my head because it just seems like she'll come around after I give her space, but who the hells knows what she's thinking.

talaniman · Oct 21, 2009, 12:09 PM

We all think our partners will never find better than us, that may be true, but I can tell you from experience, they usually do.

The good news is you probably will too.