[AshleyInStar]

Hi everyone. I was hoping for some advice as I am 6 months pregnant and my husband has left me and gone back to live with his mum.

I honestly don't think there is anyone else but he began acting funny a few weeks back (ie partying a lot, swearing at me and not wanting to have much to do with me) so it all came to blows one night and I told him to leave (big mistake! )

Since telling him to leave I have apologised and asked him to come home but he says he is adamant that he won't. I have a little boy who is nearly 3 and my husband has been there since he was 1 and he is asking where he is and crying for him which is breaking my heart.

How should I handle this? He seems to be enjoying his freedom and doesn't seem bothered about how the pregnancy is going or how the little one is...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[J_9]

Is this his first biological child?

Right now, give him some space. He may be terrified at becoming a "real" father for the first time.

We women think we have it bad with pregnancy and all, but if the truth were told, men suffer too. They just suffer differently. Many men are afraid of this life-changing event, they are afraid that they won't be able to provide (even though he has been helping to raise your son for the past 2 years).

[talaniman]

What do you mean came to blows??? if you mean a real fight, you did the right thing, and that's not a mistake.

[AshleyInStar]

Oh no no not physical blows at all! He has never laid a finger on me - nor would he. I just meant that I just flipped one day after he had been acting this way.

And yes this is his first biological child.

[artlady]

Oh no no not physical blows at all! He has never laid a finger on me - nor would he. I just meant that I just flipped one day after he had been acting this way.

And yes this is his first biological child.

My dear,you need to sit back and try to calm down ,please.

Deep breaths and knowing who you are with your baby.It is the best time of your life,do not let him take that from you.

He is being a jerk but you have a baby inside of you so you are ONE with everything.

Concentrate on your baby.

Negative thoughts turn into negative hormones that pass through your placenta and hence your baby.

Think about what is most important,he isn't you are are and so is your baby!

[Cat1864]

How long has he been living with his mother? How does she feel about his actions? Is she supporting his actions or trying to get him back out of her home?

While I agree that pregnancy is difficult on the males, I do think he needs to grow up. He is a husband, not a 'baby daddy'. Is he giving you any support, at all? Just because he isn't in the house, doesn't mean that his responsibilities ended. He is part of the household whether he is acting like it or not.

It might be an idea to send him a book about pregnancy that might help him understand more about what is going on inside you and in his mind. You might also ask him to attend a doctor's appointment with you. Hearing the baby's heartbeat might help him understand that he is a father now instead of only after the baby is a separate entity.

As artlady said, take care of yourself. Try not to stress out. Allowing yourself to get tense is bad for your health and your interactions with your three year-old who really needs Mommy to be as stable as possible. Do you have friends and family who can give you emotional support through this?

[Jake2008]

I don't see that it matters that this is his first 'biological' child. He chose to take on a parenting role and be a father figure to the first child, and it's not okay to imply that somehow his 'biological' child on the way takes away the responsibility he has toward you or the existing child.

The non-biological child has grown to love and accept this man as his father. For him to walk out and not give a damn about the damage this has caused to him is very cruel in my opinion. He could, at the very least, call him, or arrange to visit with him for 10 minutes to ease the anxiety and separation.

How can a child be expected to just accept that 'daddy' is gone.

While your husband may at some point grow up, and decide to come home, I hope that you don't welcome him with open arms. You need some ground rules here, some communication as to what went wrong, and hopefully some marriage counselling. To accept things as they are without any major changes is only going to land you in the same place.

Maybe take this as an opportunity to make your family stronger, together. If he is serious about resuming his father and husband role, and is prepared to be a real father to the child on the way, then he has a lot of work to do. And so do you both, together.

If he chooses not to come home and live with his mommy, then that pretty much sums up the end of the line with him. Get a lawyer, and get some support money coming in.

[amimommy]

I believe he will come back, and if not then he was not the man you thought he was.
He should not be living with his mommy if he is married,
He should be beside his pregnant wife, and helping her.
He also should try to be a man and understand what you are going through as a pregnant women.
If he married you, his responsibility is to take care of you, and the children, and if he does not handle his responsibility correctly then what kind of man is that?

Now he may just need time to his self, and to think and figure out everything.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but this type of stuff really irritates me.

[talaniman]

I think putting off any decision until the emotional dust settles is the best thing to do as he may well need his own time to process the life changing events of his life. I'm also willing to bet his mommy is counseling him about him taking care of her grandchild.

Give it some time, and I hope you have some more supportive people around you, than him.

I think in most cases men have childbirth, and all that goes with it, thrust on them, but they have to make the right adjustments, if they are responsible men. It can be overwhelming regardless.

[Silverfoxkit]

How long ago did this occur? If it has only been a very short period then it may simply be that the dust just needs to settle and he needs a moment to get his head straight like some of the other great posts have mentioned.

Also how old are the two of you? If you are both fairly young then it may be even scarier for him. You are now at the point where your belly is getting big. The baby is moving around and the reality of "pregnant" may no longer be something that can be tucked away into a corner of his mind. You are pregnant. This is real. He will have to actually accept being a grown up now. Having a child changes your entire life. You can't party or do whatever you want. He may be just dealing with this stress in a very immature way.

I would suggest getting some marriage counseling and parenting classes for both of you once things cool off. The counseling can help both your relationship problems as well as help him deal with any anxieties he may have about being a father. You may already have a son and you may not feel the need for parenting classes but having a newborn baby is very different from raising an older toddler and the classes may help your husband feel more confident and less scared. It might be very beneficial for him to get a good understanding of what is and is going to happen.

[artlady]

I think putting off any decision until the emotional dust settles is the best thing to do as he may well need his own time to process the life changing events of his life. I'm also willing to bet his mommy is counseling him about him taking care of her grandchild.

Give it some time, and I hope you have some more supportive people around you, than him.

I think in most cases men have childbirth, and all that goes with it, thrust on them, but they have to make the right adjustments, if they are responsible men. It can be overwhelming regardless.

Out of greens.
It is so very true.I feel sorry for men in that position. They are freaking out saying "I know NOTHING about having a baby and or a pregnant lady" :eek:
Its scary.
If you are a man you do the right thing.

And I agree as always about the emotional dust,use that quote all the time because it makes good sense!

I am glad that you prefaced your comment with that :)

[jazzyj330177]

Hi, I know everyone case is different, but my husband left me with every baby we had together and he cheated on me nine months into our marriage and he left I waited on him 2years to come home and fix our marriage he didn't so I went to file a divorce in the mean time I started dating some else got pregnant by this person an was happy untilI could get my divorce because they had to prove my husband was not the father, my boyfriend started hanging out and I found out he was creeping to I know it was to so for the relatetionship I didn't care I was hurt. I ended up taking my husband back now I pregnan with our 5th child and I don't even love my husband anymore and things re not going good with us because he broke our bond now we nothing, I don't want this to happen to you all I can say is don't let him keep doing thi to you it will not be good for you and the end think about your kids and how all this will affect them in the end, I wish I had someone to help me I only hd family in my ear telling me to givehim a chance but how many chances do a person need before it time to end it.

[Catsmine]

Those poor kids. All of them. The babies, the children, the fathers. Humans need to be designed differently, so that they mature emotionally before they can have children. I blame us as parents for allowing our children to remain children until they can have children. Did I use "children" enough times in that?

Ashley, I think you need to enlist your Mother-in-law's help in getting her grandchild taken care of.

[twinkiedooter]

When I re-read your original post I'm starting to think he found someone else at one of those parties he attended. The reason he doesn't want to come back is because he's found someone else. If he was doing just great with you and your son and then suddenly did a 180 - it's usually another woman. If you did go and apologize to him and ask him to come home and he refused - then it's some one else.

(ie partying a lot, swearing at me and not wanting to have much to do with me) so it all came to blows one night and I told him to leave (big mistake! )

What you said is very typical of a husband trying to pick a fight with you - and it obviously worked to the point where you told him to leave. It wouldn't have mattered if you told him to leave or if he left of his own volition - as this is what he wanted to happen. You just gave him a "clean" out and he took it.

[tattooedmom80]

Being a single mother for 8 years, my advice to you is keep your head up and let him go. I know it hurts, and it is a hard thing to do for both you and the kids. There are good men out there who wouldn't mind a "pre-made" family, and could make you and your children happy with out all the stress. You don't need a man to define you or make you happy. Good luck to you.

[BMJ1406]

Hi there,
From reading the responses from everyone else I tend to believe that your partner has found someone else but is too fearful to let you know. The reason I am so sure of this is because this very same thing has just happened to me in the last 6 weeks. My husband just left our daughter and I and I am currently 6 months pregnant... he told me he felt there wasn't a connection there between us anymore but a week later I found out he had cheated on me with another woman from work-there's always a reason to leave and sadly I never thought my husband could ever cheat on me- I trusted him to the ends of the earth, but something clicked in his head and he proved me wrong. Be strong, and hang in there, I know its hard, I'm still coping minute by minute, but in the end you'll work out what you want and what you need and it may be him or it may not, but don't allow yourself to be hanging on for him, be strong, independent and show him you are OK without him... who knows it may get him back or you might just decide you don't want him or need him and move on without him.
Good luck... now ill take my own advice!

[lexi2010]

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and my husband came up with the fact that he doesn't want to take responsibility and be there for me! Look I literally begged him to be with me and he said he didn't want to be around me so he left me to him out of town with his dad. I ended up in the er from a migrane from stress I hadn't eaten all day. Or drank water. He didn't show up he went to a party I found where he was at and he came out to talk to me and guess what, he said no I don't want to be with you I tried to ask him to come home to talk and tried to explain I have misdoings and sorry I am pregnant but he was mindset. I grabbed his hand from his pocket and no he did not have his wedding ring on! That said it all for me. I walked back looking at him am left we are done hurts so much: -/