[confusedrebecca]

Rebecca, I just read your post re the pathetic flowers he had delivered to your doorman, its sounds like he s losing the plot and I agree with you you didnt know him-you saw what he allowed you to see.
Continue to take good care of yourself.

You are right. He is toally lost and he does not know what he doing anymore...

[confusedrebecca]

Rebecca,

Again, I don’t want to scare you, but other than losing you, so far your ex hasn’t suffered any consequences. He still believes he will get you back by continuing to harass you. It sounds like you work for a law firm as you have mentioned the lawyers at work. Have you considered speaking to them? It seems that a letter from a lawyer is warranted here, to put it on record that you consider this to be harassment and it will not be tolerated. You should not have to live with this anxiety.

Harassment is a crime. It can refer to the actions of a person who is repeatedly sending you threatening letters, calling you on the phone, or repeatedly sending you unwanted gifts. It can also involve behavior such as following you, watching you, and coming to your place of work or home. This behavior is commonly referred to as "stalking". He is trying to prove his “love” for you, but it is making you uneasy. It is not necessary that the harasser intend for the conduct to produce feelings of fear or intimidation in the victim, only that the harasser has reason to know that the conduct would cause such feelings. A warning from an attorney will show proof of this. This has been going on for 3 weeks now, and his efforts do not seem to be lessening.

Just Looking,
Thanks for your kind advice.
All you said is so considerate and appropriate. I consider it since I witnessed your recent incident on this board.
I know all my rights, I have enough evidence, so I can take actions in any moments if I want to. Many people will help me effectively if I ask. We all know the law now reflects the understanding harassment as regardless of the motivation for the conduct, it disrupts the victim's life and may threaten the victim's safety.

My concern is my ex has professional reputation, I do not see him in any felony charge for the personal matter between him and me. My family has strings with his as well. I am holding it off right now because I believe he knows his limit very well, he is not mentally malfunctioning (ha ha I am not sure about it any more…), and actually he is not threatening my life.
In terms, he is threatening my security or privacy, but not safety. So, it seems he is in the borderline.

Undoubtfully, it is frustrating to deal with it.
I do not know what episode he will create in any moment. I have a feeling that I could be watched too on and off. My apartment is at 7th floor, but has wall full windows from end to end, and I have full exposure. I know anyone can watch me from the street if tried intentionally. I have been aware of it, and I kept all my curtains closed tight all day long from the day one. I am prisoner in my apartment…

My main complaint is not about safety, but my stress level & insufficient well being. It is just draining my mental resources to be an unwanted part of his pointless drama.

The bottom line is, it appears he still tries hard, but I am certain that he will get tired very soon, and take it easy. I just feel it. I have intuition. I will give a couple more weeks. If thing is not getting better, I will take actions to get a restraining order defines harassment so on…

Now my anger is subsidized, but my depression comes due to his intrusive actions & gifts…
Thanks again... It means a lot to me.

[paxe]

He will get bored, continue not answering to his call and you will be fine.

[confusedrebecca]

The only thing I will add to Just Looking's advice is to have one of the lawyers other than Will send the notice/letter. Since Will has expressed a personal interest in you and showed up at your building, it might lessen his effectiveness in this matter.

Also, be honest with Dexter that Mr. Ex is getting worse and you are concerned about his actions. Since Dexter has had interactions with him outside of his Doorman duties, I am a bit concerned that he might not be seeing the seriousness of Mr. Ex's behavior. Though this latest floral arrangement might have shaken him, too. Dexter is also one of your first lines of defense.

Cat1864,
You are right about all again. If I need to send a letter, I will not consult with Will, but with my father. I do not know Will well. The last thing I want to do is mixing my personal matters with a superior level coworker at work. Fortunately, my father is in the position can take any actions for me if I ask. I am just trying to avoid bringing the unnecessary harsh situation.

I need to answer for my parent's service recall action pretty soon. I am planning to visit my parents next weekend. I guess I have no choice but have to consult with my father in a week. Oh, well. Thanks.

Regarding to Dexter, he is a very nice, honest, and working hard young man. Dexter does not know what my ex did behind of my back yet. I know he assumes what is going on since he saw all the episodes and flowers.
However, Dexter still admires my ex, stands somewhat in my ex's side.
When Will visited me last time, Dexter seemed embarrassed and unpleasant even though he tried to hide his expressions. It looked like I am the one cheated in the setting. It is funny but if I start to see someone else in future for an example, I think Dexter will give me dirty looks or disproval looks.

I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...

[confusedrebecca]

He will get bored, continue not answering to his call and you will be fine.

I agree. That is what I am looking for. Thanks.

[paxe]

No problem, focus on you though, not on him. He's a loser, you're not and you need to be selfish right now.

[confusedrebecca]

No problem, focus on you though, not on him. He's a loser, you're not and you need to be selfish right now.

How is your healing process going? Any advice such as DO or NOT TO DO list? Thanks.

[asking]

Rebecca dear,

I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.

Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.

Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.

[asking]

I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...

I agree. I think you should be more upfront with Dexter. No need to go into details since you want to maintain some dignity, but I would explain briefly that you broke off with your ex because he was secretly dating other women and that he has been harassing and stalking you. Do not minimize your discomfort on this point or allow Dexter to turn it into something "cute."

Make it clear to Dexter that you are counting on him both professionally (he's a doorman) and personally to protect you and that the harassment is costing you your peace of mind in your own home. If you don't think Dexter is taking this seriously, have the same attorney who writes your letter have a friendly but serious talk with Dexter so that he understands he's part of the solution--your solution, not the ex's.

[paxe]

Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.

I'll give you what I'm doing:
I've joined a human rights group and I'm planning 2 major fundraising and a lot of people are interested in. I'm in charge of that project so that takes me a lot of time. I still continue to do a lot of training, socializing, going out with friends ( I try not to stay with the same one all the time ), going clubbing, passing time with my family...

What really helps me though, is to gaze far and just enjoy every moment that passes when I have a bit of free time and when I'm going outside. Have you ever looked at a blue sky or a nice garden and just stop thinking? Well it calms your heart and all your worries.

What I don't do is going out drinking too much, clinging on my ex, eating always outside, or being mean. I try to stay positive and give a lot of energy. I have a lot of girls interested in me (I guess because all the energy I show and the fact I've been working out and taking care of myself), but I'm enjoying my freedom and being single.

I don't have to call anybody or nobody really has to calm me, but I have very close friends and family and people generally like me so that I don't feel lonely.

Just wondering if you're doing the same thing though.

[paxe]

Rebecca dear,

I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.

Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.

Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

[Cat1864]

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

Paxe, IF he keeps going the way he is, I don't think she has a 2-3 weeks before he escalates matters again.

This is enough for me to say send the letter:

The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses.

He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.

Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.

Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.

[asking]

I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.

Well it has been three weeks, and this guy is not getting bored. Instead, he is obsessing and thinking up weirder and weirder things to do to dramatize his "need".

First of all he is dating a woman he expects to be faithful but he is strangely not available Friday nights because he's got his picture on a dating site and having regular Friday night dates with other women. When Rebecca confronts him, he defends himself by saying that he will eventually get around to marrying her and to just sit tight while he has some fun.

When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.

It is high time to put him on notice that he is courting arrest. I'm not sure why Rebecca should operate from a position of fear that he will escalate more if she sets up some clearer boundaries. If he respects the letter from the attorney, they won't need a restraining order. If he violates the restraining order then he OUGHT to be arrested. No offense to you Paxe, but I can't see any upside to Rebecca letting him continue his harassment without getting legal help.

[confusedrebecca]

When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.

Excellent, excellent, and excellent interpretation! I am getting goose bump when I read this! How amazing you are, asking!!

[confusedrebecca]

He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.
Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.

Cat1864,
I should not see this in my life. No way...

Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.

I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? Thank you so much.

[confusedrebecca]

Just Looking agrees: I agree. We aren't talking about having him arrested, but making sure he realizes that what he is doing is not wanted and not acceptable.

Just looking,
I agree with your point. It is not wanted, and it is going to the wrong direction, and way beyond the level I should endure.
I need to focus on healing for myself, not suffering from the overly surpressing pressure…

[Catsmine]

I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? thank you so much.

Having read through this entire thread at Cat 1864's urging, let me explain her fears in my usual blunt offensive way.

His next step to win you back is to kidnap and isolate you so he can "make you see reason." When that doesn't work he will probably just "keep you for himself."

When you do not fall back under his spell in a couple of days, he will injure or kill you.

This is not some bizarre fantasy, it happens with narcissists like this so often it has become a common theme on crime dramas.

Get some protection. Parents, Doorman, Attorneys, Cops, all of them.

[Cat1864]

Creating a scenario to 'save' you from could be something like getting someone to threaten you and he 'miraculously' appears to make the person leave. Or if you have a car, making one or more of your tires go flat, so that he can be there to 'help' you out. Does that give you a better idea of what I was talking about?

I am not as worried about that type of behavior from him as I am him staging something involving himself as the 'victim' to try to gain sympathy and create guilt. Primarily (mainly because of the black roses and card), I am concerned about him 'staging' a suicide attempt. In his mind, it could have the benefit of causing you guilt because you turned him away when he was at his lowest or cause you to worry about him and give him a foot in the door. It could also have the effect of making him look more like the 'victim' to his friends and family.

Note that I used the word "stage". I don't think he would actually do anything to hurt himself. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he did try to make you think he will. Emotional blackmail at its best.

Be prepared for anything from this person. But at the same, Live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for anything that he does. Only he is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his reputation or his work. He is.

[confusedrebecca]

Cat1864,
Thanks for your reply.

I am just thinking I am in a sticky situation. I did not know it would be so difficult to break off from my ex who created the unspekable mistake...

Thanks again, all. I appreciate your concerns and thoughtful advices...

I am just thinking I can stay in my parents every weekend for a while to avoid this drama. It seems my ex is getting crazier for weekend, and it will protect me from the 'unnecessary scenes'.

Thank you all!

[confusedrebecca]

Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.

Paxe,
I believe time has more power than anything else. I am staying in low while this tough time passes by.
I am focusing to heal from this trauma.

You are doing great with a human rights group, and it sounds good for you.

I am not that socially active right now, mainly to avoid people in the same social group of my ex. I am getting better sleep and good eat though.
I am having quality time with a group of my girl friends, it helps me my mind off. We went to a fundraising fashion show one evening, and it was just fun. I have many good friends, but I feel lonely sometimes…I know it sounds crazy, but I still have moments to miss the good time with my ex. Anyhow, I bought a bunch of books I always wanted to read, and started to take a yoga class. I am forcing myself to be busy, am thinking to join a drama club or sushi cooking class. I found a cool jazz place in my town, and I dine there, and I enjoy it. I do not have any memory about my ex in the place, and it helps me to relax better. What I really need is taking a small trip to a warm place for mind off, but my girl friend is busy, and I cannot make a reservation at this point. I hope she can find good time for me. :)

I hope I can recover, and spread my wings fully just like before I met my ex.
Thanks for your advice. Good luck to you!