[alexsmom75]

I am very unhappy in my marriage and with my husband. I love him and don't want a divorce, but I don't want things to continue on the way they are. It seems like it would be and easy fix, but the problem is I can't talk to my husband. I've tried, but either things just blow up, or he blames me and resorts to name calling and other inmature acts.

To give you some background, our marriage has been rocky off and on since the start. We have always had issues due to lack of communication. In 2004 he was sent to Iraq, and for the first time, we were forced to communicate. I thought things would be better when he came back, and they were at first, before they got terribly worse. He was unfaithful to me, and I let it slide, because I was pregnant and he was suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. After he got his depression under control, he spent many years battling alcholism. He is not drinking now... I think. I say this, because I sometimes worry that he is. I have no proof mind you, but I have learned to be very suspisious of him, to the point that it has also become one of the problems with our marriage.

I love my husband, but can't stand him at the same time. It just doesn't seem healthy. For the past few years he had been working evenings and going to school full time. That had left me the sole caregiver for our children and our home. He just graduted last May, we relocated and were suppose to get a fresh start. The problem is that nothing has changed. He is now a high school football coach, and again, me and the children have take aback to his career. I am angry, because I don't want to do this alone anymore. I am angry because I can't do the things that I would like to do, because of his schedule. And mostly I am just angry. When he is around he doesn't contribute. He makes me feel guilty if I ask him to do something, because he is so tired. What he seems to forget is that I get tired too. I am a full time special education teacher, a full time mother, and have to keep up the house one my own. Yesterday, he informed me, half way through the day that he was going scouting with the other coaches. I am just expected to go with the flow. I am becoming a bad mother because I am angry and tired and I don't like myself. I am becoming a bad wife because I don't like him. Last nigh he told me to "quit being a maryter" because he informed me that he will be leaving town for more football scouting and be gone over night. He was angry that I suggested he take one of boys with him. I realized that he doesn't care about how I feel.

I am so overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. I know that we can't talk, we never can. I just want to fix things before it becomes too late. I have tried praying. I have tried to work on myself and my issues, but then I get so angy and resentful, I lose any progress that I might make. I am so resentful and it is destroying me. The worst part, my husband loves me and thinks things are great, he just doesn't get it. He just things I have "problems".

[phlanx]

The grass is never greener on the otherside but the path can be smoother!

As you have explained you know the whole situation is making you feel ill, which is toture.

You have tried to work at it, but it seems your husband is not willing to try to understand regardless of any blame business.

The one thing I always revert to once I got over my problems, was the security of what we know is warmer than the insecurity of what we don't know.

So few of us are willing to change.

Until your husband can sit down and communicate with you I don't think he ever will.

Just my experince of life for you - hope it helps

[feeling helples]

Oh my gosh, I just joined this site yesterday and have a similar problem. My husband and I are separated and from what I have learned over the last 3 months of therapy is communication, communication, and more communication. I did not have that in our marriage. To avoid confrontation, fights and name calling, we would just not talk for a little while and then sweep in under the rug. We have done this for 15 years and it finally caught up to us.

Don't want to see this happen to you. Communicate! No matter what it takes. I work full time as a flight attendant and am gone 3 days a week, I take care of the yard, the cleaning, cooking etc. My husband comes home and thinks he deserves to rest after working all day. When it is his day off, its his day off. When he is on vacation, he is on vacation. I have left this build up for so long that it finally ended in separation and I have a lot of regrets. I wish I would have handled things differently. I have also learned that the name calling etc is no good and will come back and bite you in the butt.

Don't hold this in any longer. You must talk to him, however, do not point fingers. You need to take some responsibility as well. In my case, I have done everything for so long and never thought the way he would do things were good enough. They finally begin to accept and enjoy you doing everything for them. I was partially responsible for the way my husband behaved.

Good Luck

[Jake2008]

He isn't getting it.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one who was making your schedule without any consideration to your children or your husband, I would think that he would be very weary and wondering why he is married too.

It just isn't enough to bring home that bacon, and not plan at least some participation in the lives of his children, and in the health of his marriage.

That you have allowed this to go on many years, has meant that he lives one lifestyle, you lead the other. When he isn't held accountable for his actions and decisions, why would he voluntarily change. He won't talk about it, because he knows what you are going to say, and he isn't willing to change.

Well, tough tomatoes. He doesn't have a choice anymore. Make yourself heard. Get into counselling, and suggest that he attend as well. You need at least the satisfaction of knowing that you aren't imagining things, and your feelings are real, and the resentment is growing. Perhaps if he sees that you are very serious about the life you share together, and are no longer prepared to be a passive player, but an equal player in the marriage, he will smarten up.

But consider also, that this could open up the end as well. If you are prepared to accept that you may very well end up on your own, then by all means seek support. If you wish to accept things as you have for so many years, then be prepared for more of the same.

Your future is up to you.

[alexsmom75]

I talked to him and it did not good. It is all my fault. Everything in our marriage is all my fault and I have no choices. I can't leave him. I can't do that to my kids. He just thinks I am crazy. And I wonder why I am depressed.

[Cat1864]

Is there anyone outside the marriage he respects enough to listen to who you could get to mediate your discussions about the problems?

You definitely need counseling before you get any more depressed. Your children, also, need counseling. Right now, the situation is not good for you or them. They don't need to feel like their Father likes other people's children more than he likes his own.

While I thank your family and your husband for your sacrifices during his enlistment, those sacrifices should be over now that he is out of the service. Unfortunately, you still seem to be paying the price for his choices. That is extremely unfair in what should be a partnership. I don't think he knows how to have a strong partnership with anyone who isn't a part of 'the group' whether that be military or sports team.

I don't know how his PTSD was handled, but it sounds like it left him with a distorted view of what civilian and family life require of him. He is still stuck in his own world and maybe marriage counseling would help, but I don't think he is open to more people analyzing his feelings and interactions. Sadly, it sounds like he is lashing out at you for even suggesting that he needs to be more family focused.

I would start looking at separating if not divorcing. Right now, you don't have a husband and the children don't have a dad.

I really wish you the best what ever path you choose to take. I, also, hope that you remember that you aren't alone even if if it seems that way. Just add more to this thread and we will do our best to give what advice and support we can.

[alexsmom75]

Divorce is not an option. I can't do that to my kids. When I had to kick him out when he came back from Iraq, it nearly destroyed them. They are still not fully healed from him being gone and it has been 4 years. It changed who they were, and my oldest still suffers from attachment issues because of it. I just can't do that to them. I already feel like a failure as a mother as it is.

[alexsmom75]

I forgot to add, I am going to start counseling for myself. He is convinced that I am the problem. That I came crazy and that the only way to fix this is for me to get help. He really doesn't see that he has any part in this. He thinks the problem is that I am jealous and don't trust him. God, if that were the case this would be so easy. I know that is not the case, but it is not like counseling wouldn't be beneficial given the circumstances, and maybe I can get him to eventually go himself. I know that he is capable of being a good father and husband, but I don't know how to get that man back.

[Cat1864]

Please get your children counseling too. I really don't want to think about what is going on in their heads, especially the oldest. Be on the watch for him or the younger children to start acting out to get his father's attention.

The only other advice I am going to give is to not baby your husband. As long as he wants to live his own life let him. If he isn't there for meals, he fixes his own. He does his own laundry. He packs and unpacks his own bags. IF he takes responsibility for doing anything especially with his children, THEN do something special for him.

I hope counseling helps you understand that you are not a failure as a mother or wife. Actually, from what I have read you are very strong woman who has had a very trying time.

[simoneaugie]

Abandonment issues aside, your children are learning that it's okay for you to be treated as if you are the problem. You aren't a perfect mother, but then who is? You're there, doing the work. Your husband is playing you.

He is being abusive. Work on yourself, through counseling and behavior changes, until you can see clearly how you are being used. Then you hopefully will be immune (or see right through) from his manipulation and subtle attacks and will give him some guidelines as to how he can be part of the solution. At the moment, he is an active part of the problem. And he is ignoring that fact.

[Gemini54]

Your husband is doing what many abusers do. Blaming you for all the problems. It's called the blaming boomerang; you blame him and ask him to change, he puts it back on to you.

Your situation is very difficult because a pattern has been created which will be difficult to break. And, it will be difficult because your husband has a lot to lose by responding to your requests to talk.

This is precisely why he won't talk with you. Why should he? He currently has all of the benefits in the marriage and none of the responsibility. It's much easier for him to say that you're crazy than to disadvantage himself and lose some of his benefits. Of course he thinks things are great!

Although you say that you don't want to hurt your children, ultimately children are potentially hurt more by parents that stay in bad marriages. This is my belief - some may dispute it.

The marriage that your children are seeing will be the initial model for their own relationships and they may well treat their own partners the way that you and your husband treat each other. Is this what you want them to remember? Unhappiness, selfishness, disrespect? Your unhappiness and depression must also be having an effect on them - is this how you want them to feel?

My sense is that you have three choices:

1. Stay. Accept your husband the way that he is - selfish and arrogant, and stop asking him to contribute or talk to you. Lead your own life but make sure that you have supports in place when you need a break or want his assistance. Leave him to his own devices.

2. Change the dynamic. Go to counselling and get some support and advice to shift the power dynamic between you. Acknowledge that he's abusive and put boundaries in place to protect yourself and the children when he resists the changes.

3. Leave. Decide that you may be happier and get more assistance from your husband if you are living apart. Build a life for yourself separate from him where your children can see you as an independent, strong individual, but where they can continue to have contact with and love their father.

None of these choices are easy. All of them will have repercussions for every individual in the family. Perhaps you could start with counselling for yourself, to help you sort through your thoughts and make an informed decision.

[talaniman]

Your decision to get counseling for yourself is a great one, and should help you deal with all the problems that are overwhelming you.

That's what I see, a very overwhelmed person, who need guidance, direction, and the right emotional support, given the things you have been through.

Hopefully you, and your husband will learn to talk, and listen to each other, which ain't happening now.

You both have been through a lot, I think.