[A4Effort]

Easier said than done but it most be done nonetheless. It is so hard to accept the fact that she has already moved on. It makes me feel as if she never was committed to the realationship as much as I was hence why she is not experiencing the same pain.

I know I am doing the right thing by mourning the end of this relationship. I know that it is OK to feel this way and that I need to accept it.

I really have this issue with having my life in control. I am very good at learning from mistakes too but this is so different. I don't know why I can't apply the same procedure to this event. I am thinking irrationally all day and I have thoughts that I never imagened I would have.

I have tons of people helping me out and I have tons of drive to overcome this.

[paxe]

Well at least you have people to help you here and this is a great advantage. First break ups are like a shock, you go into withdrawal. It will take some time for your body and mind to get better.

Instead of thinking on how you feel right now, why don't you state the things you do to improve yourself? It will give you a greater hindsight to better yourself.

[A4Effort]

So I had a dream yesterday. My ex and I decided to go on a date and we went dancing. She was dressed beautifully and right before we left we shared a kiss. That kiss, even though it was only in my dream, made me feel like I was on top of the world. But then right after that dream all I could think about is how that guy is going to ask her out today. I will sit in front of the class and pay as much attention to the professor as possible. I will rush out of the class right afterwards. But its been on my mind all day and all night. It is driving me crazy and I feel crushed/depressed. I can tell this day is not going to be a good one.

[kctiger]

Be strong my man! Don't set yourself up for failure already!

[A4Effort]

I don' t know why this is bothering me so much. Why can't I just accept the fact that we will never get back together and that she needs to do this in order to be happy in her life. I have difficulty separating myself from what we had once. No matter what I tell myself I cannot believe that she is not in my life anymore.

Accepting this pain really hurts. I made sure to have a busy day today because I know if I had a lot of free time I would go crazy and do something stupid. So I am going to the gym, class, taekwondo, work, and dancing later tonight. She is having her birthday party tonight hence why I want to be as busy as possible. I can't stand feeling this way. Why did I go from slowly improving to total breakdown?

[kctiger]

It's human nature man. This is hard, to let go of someone you care so much for. As I stated before, the hardest thing I ever did. We learn from it, over a period, and get better eventually. I know it sucks, and it will continue to suck for awhile, but you are strong enough to overcome this. You need to believe in yourself.

[A4Effort]

So when will I start feeling better? I haven't done anything wrong to intentionally break the NC rule, and I have been doing all the things stated in the stickies/recommended by you all. I know this is a process and I will feel like this for a while. But I don't know for how much longer I can take this. Im not trying to let it affect me in any way (scholastically, socially, mentally, etc... ) but I am so sick of putting this fake persona everyday so that others don't see the pain I am in.

[kctiger]

Well it is different for everyone. It took me 5-6 MONTHS before I was normal again... maybe not even normal, but 80% normal at least. It is a marathon, not a sprint. You are doing everything the right way, but unfortunately patience is a huge part of this process. You need to understand that, and understand being easy on yourself as well.

[A4Effort]

Yes, I do need to understand that. But I have huge issues with not doing things right and losing control over myself. But that alone could be made into a whole new thread.

Over the years I have build myself up by accomplishing many meaningful goals. I have worked my butt off to become the person I am today. I am SOOOOOOO afraid of not becoming the person that I have mapped out in my head.

I want to have a successful job where I will never have to worry about financial needs. I want my job (Psychologist PhD) to be enjoyable. I want to have a great partner who will be committed to me. I mention commitment a lot because my parents divorced when I was 16. They were married 20+ years. I am afraid that this will happen to me. Since I have high expectations of myself, I need my partner to have many positive qualities. She needs to be confident, adventurous, beautiful, successful, smart, artsy, spiritual, outgoing, etc... I do not want to be the couch potato when I become older. I want to continue traveling, exploring, and trying new things. I want to be a good father because my father was never there for me when I was a child.

So when I this relationship ended all these fears of mine came back.

[paxe]

I don't think the problem would lie with you finding a partner. These fears are unfounded and you may need some help to work on them. Did you consider seeing a counselor of some sort?
It's normal to question yourself, but you are basing yourself on too much past experience to decide your future. You are living in fear and that is completely wrong. While trying to heal yourself from your break up you may ask yourself why you are having these fears and you need to overcome them.

[JTS31708]

Hey A4 one of the main reasons it keeps coming back to you and bothering you is because, you believe everything you guys shared was perfect and could easily be like that again. You say you want her to be happy but deep down you want her to be happy with you and not someone else. If some other guy is flirting with her and trying to put moves on her then let him there is nothing you can do and it's a horrible feeling but just let time take its course. I have been going through heartache for about 8 to almost 9 months now and I feel a lot better! I can go days without thinking about my ex at all, I can go out have fun with friends and just kick back and relax and not have all this drama on my shoulders. I still do think about her every once in a while but my ex is making bad decisions for herself when I knew it would happen and I tried to tell her so. But that is her life not mine I worry about my life and my future and when the time comes again when I'm ready I will date again. If me and my ex just so happen to cross each other again one day then maybe ill give it another shot but until then Im living my life drama free having a good time! =]

Sorry for it being long just hope you get what I'm trying to say

[busterite]

Yes, I do need to understand that. But I have huge issues with not doing things right and losing control over myself. But that alone could be made into a whole new thread.

Over the years I have build myself up by accomplishing many meaningful goals. I have worked my butt off to become the person I am today. I am SOOOOOOO afraid of not becoming the person that I have mapped out in my head.

I want to have a successful job where I will never have to worry about financial needs. I want my job (Psychologist PhD) to be enjoyable. I want to have a great partner who will be committed to me. I mention commitment a lot because my parents divorced when I was 16. They were married 20+ years. I am afraid that this will happen to me. Since I have high expectations of myself, I need my partner to have many positive qualities. She needs to be confident, adventurous, beautiful, successful, smart, artsy, spiritual, outgoing, etc... I do not want to be the couch potato when I become older. I want to continue traveling, exploring, and trying new things. I want to be a good father because my father was never there for me when I was a child.

So when I this relationship ended all these fears of mine came back.

I wouldn't think of these as fears. It is normal to feel like this. You had painted a picture of your future that you were content with and a big part of that picture has been taken away from you. The uncertainty and not having control of things scares you. It sounds though as if you have laid solid foundations for your future with respect to your studies and where you envisage yourself to be in the long term. You mentioned you have achieved many goals and endured many hardships throughout your lifetime so how about for now you stop thinking of long term plans and focus on getting through each day at first. In time days will turn to weeks and weeks to months before you know it. Let life lead for a little while until you regain the strength to be in full control again. It sounds to be like you have got a good head on your shoulders and that you can definitely pull this off. I mean the exciting thing is you never know how things will turn out. With time you will be able to recreate an even better picture of your future and one that is based on major life experiences.

I went through a similar experience some time ago and I am not going to lie it was probably on of the hardest things I have had to go through but in the process I learnt new things about myself, met some great new people and made friends I know I will stay in touch with for life and would like to believe that I have come out a better person. I know this all might seem like really far away, because it definitely seemed like that when I was in your position but with baby steps at first you can definitely go through this for sure.

[A4Effort]

Thank you both for posting.

I really think I do need to take things one step at a time and start getting through one day at a time. She is having her birthday party tonight and I know that there will be people there that I would feel uncomfortable around.

But I really hope she has a great night because she deserves it. I would love to go because all my friends are there but I know if I went I would only get hurt.

I believe what I need to learn is that I should not be looking for a partner that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need to just have fun and enjoy dating. Enjoy meeting new people and just building up this new life. I did not know another life when I was with her and now that she is gone I have lost much. I have lost a companion and now I am alone facing this life. With losing her I have lost my friends since they always they were my ex's friends to begin with. I cannot be with them anymore nore to they want to hang out with me. I have to find new friends, and a new way of seeing the world with my own eyes.

I am afraid but confident that I will be OK down the road. I have already met tons of new people since we have split. I have gone a few dates that I enjoyed very much. I have done things/gone places on my own. I have the time and ability now to do what I want and when I want.

My world has been shaken up by this breakup but even though I can't admit this I think it's the best thing that could have happened to me. Why?

I have learned a new lesson and grown very much. I have learned what to do and what not to do in the next relationship. I have learned much about myself and my fears. I have learned that it is OK to be single and not have a partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. I need to let life guide me a more instead of having complete control. That is how I met her in the first place. I let life happen and it led me to her. Life could have been so different if I did not meet her at the freshmen orientation that day. I am so thankful that I did meet her because I have grown immensly with her and as an individual. Also, I cannot believe how much I enjoy school again. Before all I could think of is being with her and being the good boyfriend to her. I took pride in being the good guy who treated her with all respect. But now I can focus on enjoying my education. I have been talking more in class and engaging in conversations. I used to not do well on exams because being next to her made me feel inferior academically. She is a brainiac and I never did as well because I worked/work 3 jobs while attending school. But now I am doing well again. With her not being next to me I do not feel pressure. I did well on an exam that I thought I would not do well on.

I don't know if this is a revelation or just a high that I am experiencing. But I am sick of feeling low and sad. I want to be happy again and enjoy my college life. These are the best years of my life. I will not wallow. I AM DONE WITH HER and I accept the fact that we will never be together again. I can see through the silhoutte and realize that our relationship was not perfect. She did make me feel lower at points. She competed with me at all times. Many times I got mad at her because I could not do the things that I wanted to. But I am not forgetting the good things about her and our time together either. I will cherish those moments for life.

I am ready to let go of this event and work towards my future. I am ready to heal and to become the person I want to be.

[paxe]

Well there we go, it took a bit of pain and work but there we have it lol. Now you can REALLY work on yourself and start the proper healing treatment.

Don't forget to post how you're doing.

[paxe]

Well there we go, it took a bit of pain and work but there we have it lol. Now you can REALLY work on yourself and start the proper healing treatment.

Don't forget to post how you're doing.

[A4Effort]

Yeah, I decided to go dancing tonight with a bunch of friends. We were there until 2:30am. It was a blast and I got to dance with plenty of girls. I have not gone dancing in a while and I am really glad that I did tonight. Even though I was having fun, I still thought of her and how it would have been awesome if her and I came dancing there. But I made sure not to dwell on those thoughts and enjoy the night.

[paxe]

Hehehe, I'm going clubbing all weekend long myself (it's thanksgiving in Canada). It's actually nice to let go and have some fun once in a while, this is things that you don't get when you are with someone else.

[A4Effort]

Today is the actual first day that I have nothing planned. It feels very strange to be alone. My roommates left for home as did most of my friends. There is plenty that I could do such as clean my room, do homework, take pictures, etc...

I have been thinking about her all day and how I wish one day she would call me up and ask if we could get back together. It is very hard to accept the fact that her and I are not together anymore. But I am taking this a day at a time and marking my calendar. I really do want to try 100% NC for a month.

[A4Effort]

Ok this is so weird. I am alone on a Friday night and have no plans. I feel very strange and alone. I am not used to this. For the past two years I always had something to do. Either something with friends or my partner. Even when I did not have anything planned, I could always call her and be with her. Together we would always find something to do. I have an urge to call her but I know that is not a good idea so I won't even attempt. This is something I was afraid of when I lost her.

[Yosomoton213]

Haha buddy, sometimes I go through the same thing still. I don't think it's about you missing her, I think it's about you being bored.

Eventually, you will come to love the quiet time you have with yourself. What do I do? I watch movies, exercise at the gym, or play videogames. If I have homework to do, I do that. But, the time is ME time! You should get some YOU time in. You deserve it.

Just mellow out, have a couple of beers, and sit outside and enjoy the cold autumn air. Or spend the entire day watching movies. Or read a good book.

Love is like an addiction. You will soon be over it. Your brain wants the chemicals that a person has when they're in love. Once you get over that period, about 30 days, you won't feel nearly as bad. You will still think about her, but... you'll be all right.

Then after about 3 months, you won't really care that much at all.

6 months - year... it'll be like, who did I date again?