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mongoose13 · Oct 6, 2009, 03:57 PM

Hey guys, I've been reviewing this website a lot recently and hoping you can help me out. I just typed all this out and lost it! I'm looking forward to hearing your advice and help

I've been with my girlfriend a little more than a year. We went to college together before she graduated and went to grad school 5 hours away. I'm in my senior year. We had a great relationship, would talk all day every day, and spend a ton of time together. I was self admittedly needy and would overbear on her, and a few times she would tell me she needed space from talking to me which I would oblige, upset though (im sensitive), but then itd go back to normal. We spent the summer together, then she moved, and I visited her right after she did, a month and a half ago. Everything was great.

I wasn't able to visit for a month and a half, but over the past month she has been growing distant. We've gotten in a few fights, but nothing too serious but she has been much less forthcoming with loving remarks and cute things. I perceptive and pick up, but she says we are fine. Than a week and a half before this weekend, the one which I'm finally going to visit her, we get in a big fight and she tells me she's been unhappy. She's afraid to tell me because I get really upset and its hard for her. She tells me it'll be OK, and we will discuss when I visit.

So I finally do, to celebrate out anniversary nonetheless, and we discuss the second day I'm there. She has been really unhappy for a month, and she doesn't know why, but its different. We are leading different lives. Granted, she's been extremely busy with school and stressed and misses her undergrad friends. So I get really upset and ask what can I do to fix it , explain to me what I did. She said its nothing I've done, just something she can't ignore. This is my first serious relationship and her third by the way. I get really upset and I say I love you so much, I don't want to lose u (maybe naively), but your my best friend and you mean so much to me...

We discuss, and she tells me its just something she's been feeling, but she doesn't want to break up. So I'm like if we can't fix it, what are we supposed to do. I desperately try to figure out what's going on, and how I can fix it and what I can do better, and she says its nothing I've done wrong, just something she's been feeling. She says it wasn't the distance either, because I wasn't able to visit her for 1.5 months and it won't be like that again. I can easily visit her every other weekend.

We agree, since I'm going to be with her for another 3 days, to put it in the past and try to enjoy the time we are together. We go to where we had our first date for our anniversary dinner, and have an incredible weekend.

The day before I leave I get upset again and don't want to lose her. We agree that being more open, without getting upset, about our feelings might help. She likes the idea. I keep telling her how much I love her and want her in my life. She gives me the you deserve better, and I say I don't want better. She repeatedly says she doesn't want to break up right now, but she doesn't know what's going to happen. What really gets to me is when she can't tell me if we are still good for plans a month and a half way.

She is coming to visit me in two weeks for homecoming and is really excited. We are still talking about, and I told her that I didn't want to dwell on it, just try to be as positive as possible and try to get over this. She has repeatedly told me while I was with her she loves me, and wants this to work, but can't ignore how she feels. She doesn't believe in breaks, but says maybe being apart can help me realize that I am making the biggest mistake of my life letting you go. I'm not going to hold my breath over that one.

But she has told me that she thinks we can make work and its not over for certain. I know she's a pessimist though and won't try to make the best of it. I want to make this work, and I love the girl to death. I assume you guys will tell me to let it go, but I want to hold on and prevent this from crumbling.

If you have any ideas, suggestions, or insight, that can help id greatly appreciate it. Any questions, also, id be happy to answer. Thanks for all your help!

jaime90 · Oct 6, 2009, 04:25 PM

After being in several serious relationships, maybe she is just unsure of you and is trying to be cautious. She clearly has picked up some inconsistancies of not being able to make up her mind. I'm pretty sure that this isn't anything you did wrong- it's probably her getting all wrapped up in her feelings. (many women these days have problems distinguishing their feelings from what is actually the truth- not going to lie, it's happened to me too.) Honestly, it's very naïve to EVER go into a relationship thinking you will never doubt it (ie doubt that person will fail you, doubt it will work out, or doubt your own feelings on the whole deal, like she seems to be doing- and maybe even you too..? ) So, do you risk losing her- yes- there is always a little uncertainty in any relationship. Is it worth the risk.. You decide. I'm in a relationship too, is it possible he will leave? Of course- is loving him worth it?- most definitely.

mongoose13 · Oct 6, 2009, 04:29 PM

Originally Posted by jaime90

After being in several serious relationships, maybe she is just unsure of you and is trying to be cautious. She clearly has picked up some inconsistancies of not being able to make up her mind. I'm pretty sure that this isn't anything you did wrong- it's probably her getting all wrapped up in her feelings. (many women these days have problems distinguishing their feelings from what is actually the truth- not gonna lie, it's happened to me too.) Honestly, it's very naive to EVER go into a relationship thinking you will never doubt it (ie doubt that person will fail you, doubt it will work out, or doubt your own feelings on the whole deal, like she seems to be doing- and maybe even you too...???) So, do you risk losing her- yes- there is always a little uncertainty in any relationship. Is it worth the risk...? You decide. I'm in a relationship too, is it possible he will leave? Of course- is loving him worth it?- most definitly.

I hate the uncertainty though. I want her to remain my girlfriend, and while its fair of her to not be able to say anything or determine, it sucks for me. It is worth the risk. Absolutely. As is continuing to love her. I don't want to look at it like we are going to break up, and we are just in a lame duck period. What do I do to convince her of her feelings?

jaime90 · Oct 6, 2009, 05:25 PM

Don't force anything on her and don't tell her how she feels. Regardless of what you say, she still feels the way she does. Be a gentleman and try to rekindle the spark you guys used to have. Become a student of your girlfriend- try to learn something new about her everyday, etc. I don't think you can really convince her of her feelings, you can't change her, you can only change yourself you know. I know it sucks for you, I went 3 months not talking to my boyfriend and not knowing his feelings for me at all, it sucks- but as long as you're doing your part in the relationship that's all you have to worry about- she's the other 50%. Whatever you do, don't rush or force or come off too direct like, "make up your mind already." Give it time, and keep being charming, eventually she should come around.

keithbrown · Oct 7, 2009, 06:24 AM

I Agree with Jaime90, Don't Force anything. If you really like her, you'll play your card right. There are a lot of articles on this site and others that can help... I did a quick Google search. Try this free article:
http://www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com

Or search "Get my ex back" on this site...

Cheers, and good luck!

mongoose13 · Oct 7, 2009, 06:39 AM

Originally Posted by keithbrown

I Agree with Jaime90, Don't Force anything. If you really like her, you'll play your card right. There are a lot of articles on this site and others that can help...I did a quick google search. try this free article:
Ex Girlfriend Recovery - The ONLY Site That Tells you Exactly How To Get Her Back On Your Terms.

or search "Get my ex back" on this site...

Cheers, and good luck!

Its more of stopping a breakup from happening, rather than getting her back. I haven't lost her quite yet. But I appreciate the suggestion. I've been googling for hours and found all those sites

keithbrown · Oct 7, 2009, 06:42 AM

Originally Posted by mongoose13

Its more of stopping a breakup from happening, rather than getting her back. I havent lost her quite yet. But I appreciate the suggestion. I've been googling for hours and found all those sites

No problem man...

I wish · Oct 7, 2009, 09:35 AM

Extreme harshness warning

If she wants to break up with you, she will. There's nothing you can do to stop that. If she still has feelings for you, she will naturally continue the relationship.

I hate to sound harsh, but you do sound extremely needy. While she's off building her life, she's also baby sitting you. You need to get your act together and build your own life. Stop worrying about her leaving you.

You're extremely insecure with yourself. What you need to do is buildy our self-esteem and confidence. If you let her down her thing, you do your own thing and treat each other well, you will have more chance of staying together. But instead, you're probably constantly nagging her about the relationship and constantly needing her attention.

This is probably going to be tough for you, but you need to take a few steps back and reflect on your own life before you worry about hers. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of someone else?

mongoose13 · Oct 7, 2009, 10:33 AM

I am not disputing that I have been needy throughout the relationship. But since she moved away, and over time I've recognized she needs her space, and its been much better. I only get upset and emotional when she brings up something wrong with the relationship. We still are in contact most of the day however, because we are so used to it. I don't hit her up anhymore, she instictually will contact me. We are apart now, and I am doing my own thing. She said the space hasn't been an issue in causing this recent problem. I appreciate the advice nonethless! Anything further would be great.

I wish · Oct 7, 2009, 10:46 AM

What you need to do is sit down with her, list out your problems and figure them out one by one. Until you've sorted out your problems, you can't move forward with your relationship. You can't leave anything hanging or up in the air.

Try reading about tips on surviving a long distance relationship:

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work - wikiHow

You can also Google for another sites.

mongoose13 · Oct 7, 2009, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

What you need to do is sit down with her, list out your problems and figure them out one by one. Until you've sorted out your problems, you can't move forward with your relationship. You can't leave anything hanging or up in the air.

Try reading about tips on surviving a long distance relationship:

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work - wikiHow

You can also Google for another sites.

I have googled everything I could find. We did sit down, but I don't have any problems with her, just that she's been almost kind of distant over the past month. She said she was unhappy, and she didn't know why. I tried to attribute it to the stress of new environment, school work, and the distance, but she didn't think they were the cause. All she could tell me is she was unhappy with the relationship and didn't know how to fix it.

I wish · Oct 7, 2009, 11:03 AM

Just because you don't have problems with her doesn't mean she doesn't have problems with you. You need to give her the chance to express all her doubts and concerns. Otherwise, why aren't you a happy couple now? There's obviously something up that needs to be addressed.

1) Nail down the exact issue
2) Find a solution

You're trying to find a solution before the issue is clear.

Give her the opportunity to try to figure it out and let you know. If she still doesn't know what's the problem, then tell her that you're going to give her some time and space to figure out the concerns before you try to find a solution.

mongoose13 · Oct 7, 2009, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Just because you don't have problems with her doesn't mean she doesn't have problems with you. You need to give her the chance to express all her doubts and concerns. Otherwise, why aren't you a happy couple now? There's obviously something up that needs to be addressed.

I've tried asking her. She just say she can't explain the feeling she is getting. I do know she has never been totally sure. I've always said I know I love you and we are great together, which she agrees, but she is noncommittal about the future. She would always ask me how I can be so sure

I wish · Oct 7, 2009, 11:15 AM

If she's not sure, then you need to give her more time and space to figure it out. It's hurting your relationship by having so much uncertainty and insecurity. Furthermore, you're just dragging it out because the two of you aren't addressing the issues.

I know this is going to sound tough, but the two of you need a break from seeing and talking with each other until she can figure out what her problems are. Then confront you about her problems so that you can sort it out together.

Otherwise, you're just going to have lingering doubts all the time and it's a very unhealthy relationship.

mongoose13 · Oct 7, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

If she's not sure, then you need to give her more time and space to figure it out. It's hurting your relationship by having so much uncertainty and insecurity. Furthermore, you're just dragging it out because the two of you aren't addressing the issues.

I know this is going to sound tough, but the two of you need a break from seeing and talking with each other until she can figure out what her problems are. Then confront you about her problems so that you can sort it out together.

Otherwise, you're just going to have lingering doubts all the time and it's a very unhealthy relationship.

We did that. We aren't abstaining from talking, but we are talking in moderation, and decided to be completely open about our feelings. I haven't pushed her to make a decision, and we haven't discussed it since I left. I figured I would just be positive and supportive, rather than nagging at the issue to nail it down and add to the stress.

fcfguy · Oct 7, 2009, 03:08 PM

I used to be really needy and touchy like that. I tried forcing a number of relationships to work with no hope.

After a number of failed attempts I decided not to put myself in a situation where I had to be like that anymore and dated a bunch of girls until one finally felt right and I have never felt needy or neglected.

If anything we both give each other our distance and space. We can do our own things without worrying or feeling unwanted. Then we also spend great time together...

So I guess what I'm saying, if you're with the right person you won't feel how you do now. You'll feel when it's right and look back and understand.

mongoose13 · Oct 8, 2009, 06:37 AM

Well its gotten better. I give her her space now, and don't feel as needy. We've been talking the past few days like everything is normal. It kills me because she could be harnessing these feelings still.