[Lum7777]

I have 2 issues I need your help with!

1) I'm 29 and dated a guy (We'll call him RD) for 2 years (we lived together for a year). I tried to end things early on due to us being so different but he convinced me that things would work out. Shortly after, the verbal abuse started but I didn't recognize it because it wasn't explicit. He had a really rough childhood with both verbal and physcial abuse and it clearly affected him. He would be the sweetest guy until I rose an issue and he would get defensive and dismissive and at the end, I would be the one that would have to apologize or change. In these times, I would get upset and sometimes cry. He then stand over me yelling at me accusing of me of stuff making me feel like nothing. The original issue was never the issue anymore - it was how we handled it. We sought help but he wasn't really into it. Recently, I got very upset and pushed him (which is my fault - I have anger issues myself). He threw me on the floor and yelled and tried to lock me out the house. He cursed and pushed knives and pills on me encouraging me to kill myself (he knows I am prone to depression). That was the moment I realized it had to end. He had been in jail in his previous relationship for doing the same thing. I had thought it was good that he was honest and told me, but what I didn't notice was that he blamed the girl (she was wearing heels so she lost her balance and she was hitting me really hard because she took kickboxing lessons). The following week was volatile. I tried to be nice so he the remaining month of living together would be OK but he sometimes yells and curses, other times, he would cry and other times he would be nice and offer me ice cream and such.

The issue? My head is having a battle with my heart. I KNOW we cannot be together. I believe we were together for so long because I felt pressure to get married and he wasn't SO bad. The strange thing is, despite the verbal abuse and physical aggression, I still hold some love for him. I can't explain why, but I do. I've spoken to many friends on this and they are supportive. I have gone to counseling which I am hoping will help. I want to ask - has any of you had a similar experience? If so, what did you do to turn your heart around?

2). I want to get back with my ex (we'll call him AB)! Before RD, I dated AB who was near perfect. We dated for 3 years or so and we got along very well, except I felt he judged me at times which made me walk on eggshells, and I would pick fights in response, which made him walk on eggshells. In that time, I was immature and fought poorly (much like the guy I mentioned before). We ended things because things were too tense. We remained close and always said we may get back together some day. But then I started dating RD and AB started dating another woman. She felt insecure about me in his life. And I had trouble committing to RD with AB still in the back of my mind. So despite resistance from him, I cut off communication. Now, I realize what a mistake I made. I feel that if I knew then what I know now, things would work out very well. I also wonder why I AB and I didn't try harder (how come I read books and sought counseling with RD but did nothing for AB? ).

I called him recently after not talking for 2 years. I wanted to meet with him to tell him what I've been through and what I've learned. And that I am confident now that we have a chance. He would not meet with me because he is still with the girl who feels insecure about me. I felt very sad to hear that.

My friends tell me I should wait a bit before acting further because I am probably still more emotional than I'd admit.

So I ask you - has any of you had a similar experience? Did you get the ex back? What did you do to get him back?

THANKS - I really appreciate it. It has been a really rough few weeks. I feel that while I'm dealing with things OK now, when RD moves out officially, I will mourn deeply and want to know how to survive it.

[talaniman]

Jumping from an abusive relationship, to a questionable one, with out letting the healing process work is a very bad idea. When this one is OVER and done, then give your emotions time to calm down and you get healthy before you consider any relationship. The best decisions are made with a clear and healthy mind so give yourself that time and don't contact the ex until the brain works much better and the heart is not so confused. After wards you may want more than the ex can give and remember he is you ex for a good reason. It didn't work.