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kay13 · Nov 11, 2006, 10:04 AM

Hi wap, I agree, getting older doesn't mean growing up for some men!

Val, I remember from your earlier post what you said about allowing my feeling for him to stay the same, whilst at the same time distancing myself from him because he is dysfunctional. So far this seems to be working for me, as I have let go of the bitterness so that it doesn't harm me for future relationships but I know that just because I no longer feel that bitterness doesn't mean I'll let him use me again. Good advice indeed.

pegsue42 · Nov 11, 2006, 07:00 PM

Atta girl! :o

kay13 · Nov 12, 2006, 11:27 AM

Thanks, I'm well proud of myself... even if it has taken 10 years for the penny to drop!

kay13 · Nov 24, 2006, 04:19 AM

Hi all, I've just returned from a wonderful restful holiday, my first in almost 6 years (that's what waiting around for your ex does for you!).
The only down side was I dreamt about him twice while I was away so I wasn't too happy with myself. They weren't good dreams, both were very final, but it felt like he was the unwelcome guest on my holiday. I hope this isn't a pattern that will continue as it really brings me down.

anandm48 · Nov 24, 2006, 04:39 AM

Time heals all wounds, every thing would be all right.. .
Just wait and watch. He would learn a lesson and would realize his mistake and would come back to you.

God bless u and your family.

K_3 · Nov 25, 2006, 06:28 AM

Your dreams being "final dreams" could have been a way of saying goodbye and finishing off what you have been feeling. Dreams can be quite healing if we listen to them. You were not able to say to him in person what you wanted to say and you may have done it in a dream. Healing is on the way. You have come such a long way from the beginning of this post. It will only get better as you can see. A sad thought here and there but not all consuming. You have lived without him for 10 years, you have only lived with a belief that the two of you would be together. That was only a thought, an illusion. Nothing more. You have really lived without him for a long time, you are not saying goodby to him, as he has not been there. You are saying goodby to that illusion.

kay13 · Nov 25, 2006, 07:23 AM

Hi K_3, I think it is finally saying farewell to the illusion. Yes physically I have lived without him for 10 years, it has all been in my head, he just kept that alive by contacting me periodically to make sure I was still alone.
It sounds a little nieve but it never occurred to me that we've not actually been together in all that time, I took his promises as true but again they were just illusions. I feel a little better after your post, thanks.

kay13 · Nov 27, 2006, 09:27 AM

Just thought I would post today as I'm a little low. Ex is now in new house with new woman playing happy families with the daughter he never wanted and suddenly he's planning holidays for him, the girlfriend and our daughter. It's like he's suddenly cottoned on that he's a dad, but can't remember who mom is!
On the bright side he doesn't live round the corner anymore so I never have to see him:) Reading back through all the replies has helped today. X

valinors_sorrow · Nov 27, 2006, 09:46 AM

The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare and then draw inappropriate and perhaps inaccurate conclusions from it -- bad science!! Consider is all a play in which the final curtain has not yet come and concentrate on writing the only part you can--- YOURS!! Where would you like to go today?

kay13 · Nov 27, 2006, 09:52 AM

Hi Val, it occurred to me that the conclusions may be inaccurate, but then I'll never know and it should matter no longer. I can only write my own part and I know I have come an awful long way. Today I would like to go to a place where none of this has any relevance, I think I may get there too.

JDOP · Nov 27, 2006, 09:58 AM

I think that you only want back what you had. But what you had is gone and gone forever. He has changed, you have changed and the thing you shared 10 years ago has completely disappeared. You will probably always love him. He will always be somebody special to you, as you are to him. But you need to realize that you can't bring back the past, even if you got back together with him now. Too many things have happened already.
I have been dumped one month ago by the girl I thought I would stay with for the rest of my life. It's hard, but now I have come to understand that the past is something that is done and will never return. I also still love her with all my heart but I don't want her back. I want back what we had and that is something impossible.

You need to forget about him, the man he is right now. You don't need to forget about the man he was. Sadly enough, people change and so will you once you let it go.

I wish you all the best

talaniman · Nov 27, 2006, 10:27 AM

Hey its party time and you have things to do and people to see. Where's the bingo hall. Call a best friend and tell her/him meet you at the Casbah,
Don't be sad, don't feel low.
Call ahead and get it to go!
Now shake that thang and conquer the world:D

kay13 · Nov 27, 2006, 10:40 AM

Thanks tal, I'm off to a night class and then tomorrow some late night retail therapy... such a busy life. X

kay13 · Nov 30, 2006, 10:37 AM

I'm just voicing my thoughts on another subject but I thought I'd post it here as my past may be relevant.

Whilst I was expecting my daughter and hubby didn't want to know I had a male friend at work who was wonderfully supportive and although we no longer work together, we have remained great friends. My ex knew that he was helping me at the time but basically he wouldn't have cared if Tom Cruise was helping out.

He has recently asked me out on a date (my friend, not Tom Cruise :D ). I know he has loved me for many years but he knew that I was waiting around for my no-hoper ex and I've always been truthful with him.
I love him dearly as a friend but have never considered him as a partner because there is no sexual spark there. We get on really well, he's kind, considerate and everything my hubby wasn't and he's told me he wants to look after me.

My question is, can solid relationships be borne out of friendship?

Tuscany · Nov 30, 2006, 10:42 AM

Absolutely!! I married my best friend. We were friends growing up. His father was my father's best friend. His grandmother was best friends with my grandmother. And we just became friends. There was no pressure from our families for us to be together... it just sort of happened. Now we are married and trying to have children. He is still my best friend.

SouthernBelle06 · Nov 30, 2006, 10:49 AM

Yes. Give it a chance and just take it slow. After what you have been through with this ex, a best friend type of guy is what you need.

talaniman · Nov 30, 2006, 10:50 AM

I think they can, as I married my best female friend, but time is the best indication of where a friendship will lead. You know what we say here all the time 'Go slow and take the time to get to know each other, What's the hurry any way?' When two friends get together and commit to each other, they seem to make solid relationships, in my opinion as long as they are both MATURE at the same place and time and both work very hard to maintain that relationship.

kay13 · Dec 4, 2006, 06:31 AM

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 4, 2006, 06:35 AM

I am very sorry for your loss Kay. You have my sincere condolences.

wap · Dec 4, 2006, 06:40 AM

Sorry for your loss, that's a real shame. I hope you are OK x