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blkdymd · Oct 4, 2009, 11:18 AM

Entire story merged

My ex is in an abusive relationship where there is often yelling and threats, and now there has been hitting and scratching which is seen on his face, neck and arms. He is in law enforcement but does not know how to get out of this situation as he says. She is unemployed and has given up her previous life with her children to be with him. Now they argue often and he blames himself somewhat because he has a quick temper. When we were together he never raised his hand to me. We arugued but we always walked away until we both cooled down. I'm also concerned because our daughter visits him often, at least once a week and I don't want her exposed to a hostile environment. I don't know if I should try and do anything. I know this is his problem but I'm concerned that a fight will occur when my daughter is with her father. I just need some opinions!!

redhed35 · Oct 4, 2009, 11:22 AM

Perhaps he could visit your daughter at your house?

Is there a counillor where he works that he could talk to?

Cat1864 · Oct 4, 2009, 11:44 AM

This is difficult.

As a law enforcement officer, he should know that domestic abuse should not be tolerated in any form. He should also be aware that he needs to get out before it gets worse. Even if that means leaving her alone without a job. That was a choice she made.

If he is worried about how it would look to his fellow officers, tell him to think about how it would look if they had to arrest her or him.

I did go back and read your other posts and I am slightly concerned that you might in some small unconscious way be looking at this as a way to get him back. I hope not because he needs to find himself before he commits to another relationship with anyone other than his daughter.

The best thought I can come up with on the visitation is to tell him how you feel and ask that he really thinks about the welfare of his daughter. The worst thing for all of you would be having to ask for supervised visitation or suspension of visitation until he gets his life in order.

One last thought, is there a friend or family member's house where he could spend time with her without fear of violence breaking out.

blkdymd · Oct 4, 2009, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This is difficult.

As a law enforcement officer, he should know that domestic abuse should not be tolerated in any form. He should also be aware that he needs to get out before it gets worse. Even if that means leaving her alone without a job. That was a choice she made.

If he is worried about how it would look to his fellow officers, tell him to think about how it would look if they had to arrest her or him.

I did go back and read your other posts and I am slightly concerned that you might in some small unconscious way be looking at this as a way to get him back. I hope not because he needs to find himself before he commits to another relationship with anyone other than his daughter.

The best thought I can come up with on the visitation is to tell him how you feel and ask that he really thinks about the welfare of his daughter. The worst thing for all of you would be having to ask for supervised visitation or suspension of visitation until he gets his life in order.

One last thought, is there a friend or family member's house where he could spend time with her without fear of violence breaking out.

I understand that you think that I want to get back with him. But that is done and gone. I agree he needs to get his life together before starting anything with someone else. I feel he will not take it easily suggesting he visit with his daghter in another location. But I have to think about my dauhg ters welfare only, not his feelings. But I will seriopusly talk to him about my thoughts and feelings.

Thank

Cat1864 · Oct 4, 2009, 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by blkdymd

I understand that you think that I want to get back with him. But that is done and gone. I agree he needs to get his life together before starting anything with someone else. I feel he will not take it easily suggesting he visit with his daghter in another location. But I have to think about my dauhg ters welfare only, not his feelings. But I will seriopusly talk to him about my thoughts and feelings.

Thank

Let him know that it is in your (plural) daughter's best interest that he get his life on a better track. I think you already know the best ways to communicate with him.

Maybe by being open and honest with him about your fears for the safety of your daughter it will encourage him to get the help he needs. If he does try to get defensive, calmly ask him how many times he has heard those same words from other people and what the results were.

Good luck.

I wish · Oct 4, 2009, 12:12 PM

You're right, you should definitely keep your daughter out of this hostile environment. There are compromises. You can tell him to get his life in order before she goes to his home again with his current girlfriend.

But in the meantime, maybe he can see your daughter in neutral locations without the current girlfriend.

For example, he can take your daughter out for lunch, movie, bowling, to the park, etc. without his girlfriend.

blkdymd · Dec 9, 2009, 10:37 AM

Threads merged

Ok, here is the whole truth. After two years of being without the love of my life I still grieve and feel so depressed. I've tried everything to get past my emotions and feelings. Dating other men, keeping busy, focusing on our daughter. It doesn't help that we live ten miles apart and his family is the only friends I have in this state. Through out my life I worked at chosing the right people to be in my life so I can have the kind of life I wanted. But nothing worked out. I'm a single parent, struggling to make ends meet. I'm living in a place that is secluded and remote. I have to see him from time to time when it comes to our daughter. He is cordial but I still yearn for him. Not physically but something else I can't for the life of me understand. I want the N/C rule but it seems impossible living so close. There is a place in another state I can go which I think will help but I know you all will say I'm immature and selfish for wanting to taking his daughter away from him. I've battled with this decision and come up with nothing!! I feel so low everyday, like I'm dying. I don't know the right thing to do anymore!! I know we will never be together, but I feel I've lost everything worth while. And I can't start over again with someone else. I need serious help.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 10:52 AM

It seems you are stuck and it's hard to go NC when you have a child together.
Have you spoken to your doctor about this? You'd probably benefit from counselling.

redhed35 · Dec 9, 2009, 11:25 AM

I don't think its selfish for you to want to move... your no good to your child if your so sad and lonely...

I think perhaps because your so isolated is the cause for your delayed healing from this relationship.

Make a plan.. dont ask for permission from him,come up with a compromise,there's one there!

Make a plan tonight,write it down,start being pro active,it really will help your mental and emotional state.

blkdymd · Dec 9, 2009, 01:37 PM

Thank you. That makes sense since I do like to make lists. I did make an appointment today to see a counselor because I know I'm not well. I've never had this kind of problem with getting over a guy. But this is a little different, I never had children with the other men or stayed in a long term relationship past a year. We were together for 6 years. And I'm taking this harder than I ever imagined.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 01:49 PM

It's good you're seeking help. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best of luck.

Devorameira · Dec 10, 2009, 11:04 AM

Counseling may help, but I think you do need to move away from the isolation. Being isolated is not good. I think a change of environment would be great for you and your child. Could you move to a town with neighbors and potential friends and still be within 1-2 hours from the ex?

talaniman · Dec 10, 2009, 01:38 PM

You definitely need a life of your own, that makes you happy beyond the family structure. I don't know why the relationship didn't work, but do know to heal, and get beyond the sadness, you have to have something to look forward to, besides the same things all the time. Isolation is not a good thing for your mental outlook. You need your own friends, and activities that you enjoy.

blkdymd · Dec 10, 2009, 01:57 PM

Devorameria, I'm trying to move closer to work which is more urban area. There I can save some money and I can improve my situation. I came from a large city where people interacted all the time. Now I'm living in the country. But I'm doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip. Some days are just so difficult to get out of bed.

Devorameira · Dec 10, 2009, 02:44 PM

That's great - I think it'll help a lot to be in an area where you can interact with people! Life can be so lonely when you don't know anyone. You need to go out with friends and meet a new fella! :)

blkdymd · Dec 10, 2009, 02:57 PM

I agree about making new friends but to meet another love interests is out of the question. I can't see myself ever wanting another man in my life again. I defintiely don't know what I was doing with the last one. I tried so hard to be a good mate but it was never enough.

blkdymd · Mar 16, 2010, 02:07 PM

Threads merged

How can I remove myself from my Ex's family. I live very close to them and they help me with my daughter. It was a very tramatic breakup. A lot of lies, humiliation and pain. I'm still feeling a lot of pain everyday and it has been 2 years. No He and I have no verbal contact but I have to see his family and his mother is always mentioning what he is doing in his life. I don't want to know anything about his life. I know I'm in a bad place being isolated, no family or friends of my own. But I can't move because of pending custody hearing. How can I make my life better because I have hit rock bottom.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 16, 2010, 02:25 PM

You have to do what's best for you here. I suggest sitting down and have a good talk with her. She has to understand that by constantly bringing your ex up and telling you what he's doing with his life is hurting you and really slowing down the process of moving on.

Just be honest. Tell her what you told us. Have a chat with her and if you really cannot be around her at all anymore, then as much as it will hurt.. you really do have to do what is best for you right now.

Why are you so isolated? Getting out, keeping busy, making friends can really help after a bad breakup!

blkdymd · Mar 16, 2010, 04:04 PM

I understand and I've tried to avoid letting them know it bothers me so much. I don't understand it myself. But it is a emotional pain that has only gotten worse. I'm isolated because I have lost interest in things I used to enjoy. Nothing really brings me pleasure anymore. I've sought professional help but it hasn't worked yet. Some moments are OK, but lately I've felt like there is no hope for me to get my life back and be again the active, vital woman I once was. I don'tknow how to get out of this pit.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2010, 05:02 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=6211471

You have been through a lot and it will take a long healing process to get you back from the brink. For now, a talk with his mom is what you need, because I think you will still need her help a bit longer while you put your life in order.