[lagosppl]

Hi everyone,
I really need the advice. I have been married to the love of my life for a year. We dated for 3 years before getting married and we were very, very happy. This first year has been marvellous, we moved to a new country and have a new great life there. My inlaws are like my parents and I could not be happier.
Last week I found out that my husband cheated on me during the first 9 months of our relationship. He did not confess, but while he was showing me how his new I-phone works, I found 2 deleted (unreplied emails) in his trash box. They were from a girl saying that she missed him and were a little sexually explicit. He says that he broke up with her once he realised that he wanted to marry me ( after the 1st nine months of our dating). She keeps emailing him but he doesn't reply and just deletes the messages. I know that they haven't seen each other for the last 2 years (we live in another country).

Before this, I would have bet my life on my husbands honesty. He is the kindest, sensitive, most gentle person ever. Now, I don't know what to believe anymore. I doubt everything I know about him now. The first year for me was like magic and its actually gotten better as we have learnt each other. To find out that he did not feel the same way at the beginning and actually cheated makes me feel so stupid. He is devastated and wants us to work it out. I left home and am staying with a friend in another city, I can't confide in anyone because I feel strangely ashammed and also don't want anyone to think badly of him. His parents have called me to plead and I know that he is sorry.
- How can I get over this? Should I even try?
- Will I ever be able to trust him?
I love him to death, he is the only man that I have ever wanted to marry. I gave up a great job /life to relocate to another country for his job but I felt in my heart that our marriage and he was worth it, now I feel so alone.

Sorry for the rant, I just have no one else to talk to.

[Tinkerbell2004]

I know it seems really difficult at this moment since you just recently learned about this, && the wound is still fresh. But you need to ask yourself if you love him enough to get through this. We all make mistakes, we don't all have perfect pasts. Yes, he did cheat && I can imagine it's devastating to realize the man you love had another woman in his life at the same time you were in his life. But as you said the first year of your marriage has been magical && he's kind, sensitive, && gentle. Sometimes the only thing we can do is forgive && try to forget. Of course trusting him can be very difficult now, but it's something you have to yet again search your soul && figure out if it's something you can do. Is he worth it to you? Is your marriage something that you think can continue to be magical?

He hasn't responded to any of her emails, he chose you. You obviously mean the world to him. I'm sure he is completely torn apart by this, but he was wrong for not telling you this since you have been together for four years. The only person that can really decide what the next step in your relationship is you. I honestly feel for you.

Take your time, this isn't something that you can figure out over night. Getting away && taking your space was the best thing you could do, but eventually you should try talking things out with him in person && seeing exactly what he thinks about the situation. Communication is key. He failed you when he failed to mention this, but personally I wouldn't throw away the love of your life without taking my personal time, thinking everything through && talking to him.

Good luck, I hope all turns out well for you.

[Jake2008]

I think you are making a huge mistake.

You've been with him for 4 years all told, three dating, one married. He cheated during the early stages of your relationship, the first nine months. While I am not excusing that, it is pretty clear that if he could erase that part of his early history with you, he would.

Maybe at that particular time he wasn't as into you as you were into him? Could he have been caught in a weak moment, and then realized that 'she' was not anywhere near the calibre you are, and chose you.

He's been faithful ever since, he deletes her messages, you are extremely happy with everything else about him, his family, and your life together. You married a man who has been faithful and loving, and has no feelings toward the affair of so long ago.

People aren't perfect, and along the way to finding a truly compatible mate, we make mistakes. His mistake was a lapse of judgment, and obviously she is in his past. Why put her in your present, and allow that mistake to determine your future.

You married him, and he is everything you want in a man, obviously. Let the past stay in the past, she was not a significant threat to you three plus years ago, and she is no threat to you now.

What else can he do except say he is sorry. Go home, forgive him, and get on with your life.

[sandalwood7]

You must feel really devastted right now... This is a very hard situation for you to deal with but I don't think you should fear the worst. If you both want this relationship to work out and you both love each other then I think there is hope for your relationship.

It sounds like you both had a really good relationship since you got married. Would you both be happy right now if you didn't know this about him? I think you should both try and work through this... or at least try to work through this. When I amin a really difficult situation I always try and think of my options because it is often helpful.
Your options at the moment are
a) to leave now without trying (this will likely only make you feel regret at not having tried, and you may question yourself about your decision for a long time after)
b) stay and try forget about it as if nothing ever happened (I don't think this is a good option because you would be denying your feelings and emotions and needs, and this woild only lead to resentment on your part eventually, even though he might feel better at first), and
c) Stay and try to work things out (My recommendation! If you have tried then you will know that whatever happened you tried your best and cannot regret your decision)

What it will take: This is such a diffcicult situation to work through in a relationship, but couples can work through it. What you need is:
-some time out at first whuch is good because that is what you are doing. Explain this need to your husband. That you just need some time to think and cry etc and that he needs to be understanding about this. Keep him informed about how long you need... acouple of weeks? A predetermined time is good. During this time think lots, look after yourself,spend timewith people who care about you and don't be afraid to cry. You can always talkon the phone to your husbandif you need to, but he needs to give you space.
-When you have decided to live together again then it will take a lot of honesty, communication, respect, effort, understanding and support from both sides. You have every right to be upset with him and to feel betrayed, but you will need to forgive him eventually if this is to work. It takesa long time for this trust and forgiveness to reach its full fruition. Some people find that they need a relationship counsellor at this time. Also there are books that can assist couples with this process. I don't recommend endless questioning of your husband regarding specific details (this will only make you and him feel worse and is not constructive).

Because this happened in the past your future will be about moving forward and remembering the good things that you have now in your relationship.

What he did was by no means moral or respectful to you, but unfortunately most of us have secrets and are by no means perfect. People make mistakes... If we knew everything about everyone I think there would be a lot of unhappiness in this world. Sometimes I think it is better not to know the truth because it can be too hurtful to know so much. I don't want to offend any men here, but in my experience, men can sometimes have different ideas about what sex means and what commitment means. This is not a good thing, but sometimes before men commit to someone they want to hang onto their freedom. This might have been the case? I don't think that it was right what he did and I think you have every right to be upset about it.

Everyone has different tolerance levels toward behaviour like this. Many people would say LEAVE HIM, but I think this type of thinking is very black and white and does not necessarily serve in your or his favour. If you both love and respect each other and he is truly sorry then I think it is worth trying.

Good luck. Look after yourself. Keep us posted... I hope this has been helpful :)

[Gemini54]

Yes he may have been hedging his bets in the first 9 months of your relationship - but after those 9 months it gave birth to something wonderful didn't it?

You have been together for 4 years and you sound very compatible. Why would you threaten this by reacting badly to something that happened a long time ago? You have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man that has acted honorably by revealing everything.

The things to ask yourself are - is this a pattern in this man's life? Is he the type of person that regularly lies or deceives people? Is he untrustworthy? If the answer is 'no' to all these questions, then I think you have your answer.

My Ex cheated on me with a one night stand 2 years into our relationship. I found out because I caught a sexually transmitted disease. He admitted everything up front, and I forgave him because I could honestly see that it was not his usual pattern to behave like this, and he had not done so in other relationships. It was a stupid moment of madness. We were together happily for another 11 years.

Go home and fall into his arms. You have no reason to feel lonely.

[lagosppl]

I think you are making a huge mistake.

You've been with him for 4 years all told, three dating, one married. He cheated during the early stages of your relationship, the first nine months. While I am not excusing that, it is pretty clear that if he could erase that part of his early history with you, he would.

Maybe at that particular time he wasn't as into you as you were into him? Could he have been caught in a weak moment, and then realized that 'she' was not anywhere near the calibre you are, and chose you.

He's been faithful ever since, he deletes her messages, you are extremely happy with everything else about him, his family, and your life together. You married a man who has been faithful and loving, and has no feelings toward the affair of so long ago.

People aren't perfect, and along the way to finding a truly compatable mate, we make mistakes. His mistake was a lapse of judgment, and obviously she is in his past. Why put her in your present, and allow that mistake to determine your future.

You married him, and he is everything you want in a man, obviously. Let the past stay in the past, she was not a significant threat to you three plus years ago, and she is no threat to you now.

What else can he do except say he is sorry. Go home, forgive him, and get on with your life.

Hi guys,
Thanks so much for your advice. I am still trying to process my feelings now. It turns out that he was seeing her before he meet me. I asked about past relationships when we first started dating but he never mentioned her and yet kept seeing her sporadically during the first nine months. I think its really down to 3 things for me:

- He obviously was not totally committed in the early stages. It hurts to know that and all our early memories are tainted with that knowledge. I know that some people take longer to be committed but I honestly thought that we were exclusive once we started dating. Naïve? Yes, but I never looked at another man after I met him. Perhaps also, my pride is hurt... he didn't think I was that amazing, it took him 9 months to chose me over her. His defence is that I was the one he valued & introduced to friends and family (no one else knew about or met her). After we met, they saw each other about twice a month. That's still too much for me. It's childish, but the thought that he could still go to her after being with me, kills me. After, 2 weeks of knowing him, there was no one else for me.

- Trust! This is huge for me. I trusted him completely and like a child (with no reservations). I think that he has killed that unreserved type of trust forever. Now, I am afraid that I will always have to retain at least a little disbelief in my relationship with him. Perhaps this is the way "grownups" need to be but I never thought it would happen between us. Strange because in my profession, I'm trained to be suspicious but I have never doubted him before. That being said, he is not usually the type to lie. Its not a pattern with him. Or maybe I just haven't caught him in other lies yet?

- Resentment. Its probably wrong of me but I want to punish him. I want him to feel as bad as I do now. Also, it make me doubt my own judgment and instincts. In the back of my heart, I know that he is sorry and that our marriage is the most important thing to him but what is I am wrong? I don't like feeling like this. How can I get over this?

I love my husband and I don't want to leave him. Does that make me weak and stupid?

[Catsmine]

Hi guys,

I love my husband and i don't want to leave him. Does that make me weak and stupid?

No, but distrusting this man and wanting to punish him for your naivete` before you were in a committed relationship makes you insecure and immature. Does he deserve to be punished for picking you, loving you, and building a home and family for you for the last three years?

You make it sound as if your life is as close to perfect as can be had on this planet, why do you want to screw it up?

[I wish]

I think that he could have taken it one step further and blocked her email so he doesn't even receive the emails in the first place.

He can't be excused for cheating on you, but it does seem like he's been faithful since. However, I don't blame you for doubting him and losing trust in him. It's only natural that the trust has been shaken, because he kept this secret this entire time and who knows what else he's keeping from you.

The first step is for you to decide whether you want to give him a chance to redeem himself. If you're willing to give him that chance, then let him know how you feel. Tell him what you told us. Then hopefully he will do his part and try to earn you trust back slowly. But you can't expect this mistrust to go away overnight. What you can do is determine whether you are satisfied with his progress. If you are, then you're moving forward.

[Cat1864]

I realize this is new and painful for you. I think though that you need to look at it from a different perspective.

To be honest, the ex has more of a claim to hurt and betrayal. You were the other woman in that relationship even though you didn't know it. Did he lie to you? In a way, yes. Did he cheat? Yes, but not on you-with you. There is a very big difference.

It sounds like he was torn between two of you for awhile. I don't think he was as unsure of his feelings for you as he might think he was then. I don't think he was "hedging his bet" either. It sounds more like he got caught up in his feelings for you and was working through his guilt over dumping the now ex. That may color the way he views those early months, but it shouldn't color the way you remember them.

You have said that this isn't the behavior you are used to from him. I think that instinct to trust him is a good one. If it wasn't I don't think you would have had the great four years that you have talked about and the wonderful relationship with his family.

You and he have survived something that tears a lot of couples apart fairly quickly. Your relationship is surviving a move to another country. That in itself tells me how strong the foundation is for your marriage. Please don't throw that away.

[jham123]

Gemini brought it up and Cat also mentioned it.

He was "Dating" at the time. One should date around and find that perfect mate prior to marrying. Maybe if more did what he did, we'd have more successful marriages.

Just a thought to ponder, what if she was his steady girl first and He was cheating on her with you? Then He dropped her and chose you? It could happen...

I understand that you were under the impression that you guys were in an exclusive relationship, but are you sure you "BOTH" were in agreement to that exclusivity? Or did you possibly internalize that while He was under the guise of still dating? Sometimes, people confuse premature intimacy with exclusivity. I'm not sure if this is all accurate, I'm just stating what could be.

But now, since He has been true to you since you took vows before God, I'm thinking that you are carrying this a little to far.

Maybe the ol' "Thou shalt have not other Gals before me" syndrome.

Her contacting Him even to this day. Now, that is an issue that does need to be addressed. Why is he still entertaining this thought? Now the "hedging" becomes a viable question.

He does need to cut it off however as it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Not that my relationship is ANYTHING to be used for an example, however, my Wife's former BF called for years after they broke up... She'd chat with him right in front of me... but that's just it... it was "in front" of me. No secrets to be discovered after fact (at least that I know of to this day, I could have been duped, who will ever know)

All that being said, Go back and say that this contact is a Deal breaker for you and get some satisfaction that it will be dealt with... If so... then put it behind you and have Make-up Sex and live happily ever after...

[Gemini54]

Hi guys,
Thanks so much for your advice. I am still trying to process my feelings now. It turns out that he was seeing her before he meet me. I asked about past relationships when we first started dating but he never mentioned her and yet kept seeing her sporadically during the first nine months. I think its really down to 3 things for me:

- He obviously was not totally committed in the early stages. It hurts to know that and all our early memories are tainted with that knowledge. I know that some ppl take longer to be committed but I honestly thought that we were exclusive once we started dating. Naive? Yes, but I never looked at another man after I met him. Perhaps also, my pride is hurt...he didn't think i was that amazing, it took him 9 months to chose me over her. His defence is that I was the one he valued & introduced to friends and family (no one else knew about or met her). After we met, they saw each other about twice a month. That's still too much for me. It's childish, but the thought that he could still go to her after being with me, kills me. After, 2 weeks of knowing him, there was no one else for me.

- Trust!! This is huge for me. I trusted him completely and like a child (with no reservations). I think that he has killed that unreserved type of trust forever. Now, I am afraid that i will always have to retain at least a little disbelief in my relationship with him. Perhaps this is the way "grownups" need to be but I never thought it would hapen between us. Strange because in my profession, i'm trained to be suspicious but i have never doubted him before. That being said, he is not usually the type to lie. Its not a pattern with him. Or maybe I just haven't caught him in other lies yet?

- Resentment. Its probably wrong of me but I want to punish him. I want him to feel as bad as i do now. Also, it make me doubt my own judgment and instincts. In the back of my heart, i know that he is sorry and that our marriage is the most important thing to him but what is i am wrong? I don't like feeling like this. How can i get over this?

I love my husband and i don't want to leave him. Does that make me weak and stupid?

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, because I felt similarly after my experience with my Ex. What it did was brought me down to earth - I thought it was all so perfect, but I was an innocent and I was naïve. My trust was also broken.

There are 2 lessons here - firstly, people are not perfect - we are all flawed and sometimes we make errors of judgment which hurt us and hurt other people. If we are good people we deserve to be forgiven.

Secondly, life is not perfect and the experiences that happen to us happen for a reason. They are often sent to challenge us. In this instance your challenge is to move beyond your feelings of sadness, anger and resentment and to continue to love your husband.

Your trust has been broken, but it can be rebuilt. Your feelings are making you feel uncomfortable, but they will pass. If you accept this challenge, your relationship can emerge even stronger. It's your choice.

[hoosiergirl]

I could have written your question but for a few details. Like you, I met the man of my dreams and "knew" the moment I met him he was the one. I thought we were in an exclusive relationship. He introduced me to his friends, he called me his girlfriend, he gave me a closet in his new apartment. Then he went home (to another country) and met someone else. I found out three years into the relationship and was devastated. We've been together six years now and I still hate to think about it. I struggle with the whole thing--what really happened, what he felt, why, am I really his first choice, would he do it again, why didn't he cut it off sooner...

One thing that helped us is I asked my husband if she was a good person and he said yes. I said, a good woman would not actively pursue a man whom she knows is married or taken. So either she doesn't fully know -- or she's not such a good woman. The bottom line is he needs to cut all ties to this woman. He can block her email but better would be for him to write her, copy you (not blind copy you) and say--I want to be clear, I wish you well, but I am married now and I can no longer be in touch with you. Please do not contact me again. If he is willing to do that--then I'd say, he definitely deserves another chance. If not, I would question whether he's kept a line in the water, either intentionally, or unintentionally.

But I do agree with the others about giving him another chance - but I'd make it conditional on his agreeing to transparency in the relationship and counseling for you both. All relationships have a honeymoon and it eventually ends. Ours just ended more painfully than others. The real marriage starts now--and I do believe with intent, with commitment, with effort--you can get your marriage on track and you will find, like I did, that while some of that early stuff wasn't real, what I have now most definitely is.

I wish you the very best.