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kctiger · Oct 2, 2009, 06:33 AM

I think it is human nature to question, especially at such a young age. Hell, I am 26 (I know, old balls) and I still question a lot. We have that fear of everything being so absolute, as if this is it, this is the best we can do and holy crap, I can never change this... it is a scary proposition.

Commitment is tough when you haven't even fully committed to yourself yet. It scares the hell out of people to be growing up; not only growing up but forced to grow up simply by economic and social pressures beyond your control. Life is crazy man, that's all I can say. We all are racing around trying to figure out exactly what it is our life has become; is becoming etc. and we sometimes forget who we are and what WE want to do.

A4Effort · Oct 2, 2009, 07:35 AM

That does make sense. I just do not understand why I am so different from others.

I was completely happy in this relationship and did not have any reasons to leave it. Even when I saw someone who made me curious I still did not have any urge to leave the relationship. Why? Because I was very content with what I had and I loved her.

It might be because of the life I have lived. I have moved from country to country due to war. I think that made me grow up faster. Also, I think it made me want to be grounded more and have things balanced. Since most of my life was crazy, now I am looking for stability. I am not ready to marry but I am ready to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage.

kctiger · Oct 2, 2009, 07:38 AM

It sounds cliché but sometimes the things we just take the most comfort and content in are the things we cannot understand the most.

I am an odd character. It is VERY hard to for me to let my guard down and allow others into my heart. Some people are the exact opposite. Reasoning and logic dictate that throughout life, it is much harder to let go of something than it is to take hold of it.

A4Effort · Oct 2, 2009, 08:06 AM

You can say that again.
I am just analyzing this way too much.

I just had this beautiful outlook for us that we would date throughout college and apply to graduate schools near each other. We would live in the same apartment and then halfway though graduate school I would ask her to marry me. What a perfect dream that was. I imagined us exploring together as we embark on new journeys and traveled the world. Our love would last forever and we create a perfect life for each other.

talaniman · Oct 2, 2009, 09:14 AM

I think the hardest thing we do in life is make adjustments to what is the reality of our situation. After all, who wants to give up what we think is the perfect plan that makes us happy? I sure don't.

The truth, I will never be surfer dude, and have nothing else to do, but lounge on the beach, under the California sun. >sigh< .

The point is some dreams are fantasy, some are real, knowing the difference helps.

The point being, dreams don't feed the belly, or the soul very well. Living in the real world does. And its hard to get what you want, when your not sure what it is. But you do know when your hungry, and happy.

A4Effort · Oct 2, 2009, 10:17 AM

Yes I agree with you. I am very confident in myself and always chase my dreams. So far I have been very successful. I was even successful in finding my perfect partner. This is a step back for me and it is like with any other event, you have to pick yourself back up and try again. When I fell in love with her I never thought about the consequences of breaking up. I always thought that we would last and even before dating I never knew that this could happen to me. I always though people broke up with each other because they were fighting too much or because they were incompatible. I actually wish that could have happened to me because it would have been easier to get over it that way. But no, this was worse. I actually appreciate because it is a life lesson that will help continue shaping me into the man I am today and will be in the future. I am glad I was able to love deeply and be with someone like her. I know having gone through this will help me in my future relationships.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 06:52 AM

Still following what I said above but here is
Day 4

I busy all day until 9:30pm which was very nice since it kept my thoughts very busy. Afterwards I met up with this girl who was a graduate student at a bar and had a drink with her. We talked for 2 hours and everything was great. I tried not to think of my ex the enitre time we were there but she slipped in and out. I enjoyed talking to the girl and I noticed that she really like me. I hope we can keep it at a friendship level because I am not even close to being ready for a relationship again.

Day 5
Here I am at work writing this to you all. Today seems to be a low day and even though Im not thinking of her as much, my heart feels very hurt. Im working on the whole being single thing and being OK with it. Its really hard! Time is not passing by fast enough. I still miss her.

Oh and I just need someone to explain this one for me. How could she want to leave me when I had many qualities that any girl would want in her boyfriend. I am a very humble person and I dislike how boastful this comment is but nonetheless Im still curious.

Physically I am very active and in shape. I practice martial arts, work out at the gym, and stay very active. Since I'm from Europe I have learned to dress very nice. I can be classy and business professional but the next day I can dress more casual. Many people tell me that I know how to dress very well.

I fit the double standard very well. I consider myself somewhat of a metrosexual and enjoy having plants, decorating my living space, dressing well, etc... I go to yoga and enjoy the fine arts. At the same time though I can be masculine and practice taekwondo, work out, work on cars, etc...

I tend to have traditional views without the negative aspects. I enjoy being spiritual, philospohical, and try new lifestyles. My traditional views tell me that I want a family one day with kids. I also feel like being in a committed relationship is important. I am very confident in myself and do not care about adhering to the masculine norm even though I can at times if I choose to.

I am accepting of all and never judge. I love being spontaneous and adventurous. I am very conscious of social issues and support equal rights. I am conscious of women's issues and I am taking classes at the university to learn about these issues. I am very well educated and enjoy learning. I enjoy being outdoors and traveling.

I mean I even enjoy intamacy. I do not just have sex for the physical pleasure but I tend to enjoy the emotional connection too. I was told by my ex that I was very good in the bedroom and always enjoyed exploring new things. She never once complained.

I treated her with nothing but respect. Never once did I tell her that she could not do something. I always accepted her for who she was and always tried to make her happy. I never tried to put her down. I always was there to listen after a hard days of work. I cooked for her, bought her thoughtful presents, left her cute messages during random times, etc... I could keep going for hours with this but you get the point.

I am very confident in who I am but I do not understand why she would leave someone like me. Am I being to cocky? What is wrong with me? I know that I am not perfect and I know I have some faults too but still.

paxe · Oct 3, 2009, 07:14 AM

Patience my friend. Don't force the healing onto yourself take it slow. It's only 5 days, what do you expect? You will see real amelioration in 2 weeks. If you keep it up.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 07:19 AM

Its been almost a month now since we broke up but it has been only 5 days since I started complete NC.

Im still curious about what I just added above though. Any input anyone?

kctiger · Oct 3, 2009, 07:43 AM

You tend to read too much into things. Yeah, you seem like a good guy, but guess what, break ups still happen! We all get broken up with regardless of how good we may be in bed or other incredible qualities! Eventually you are going to have to add to your list of qualities: Accept that some things end no matter how much sense it doesn't make.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 07:53 AM

I guess so. I also have this idealized outlook on what needs to happen in life and how things should turn out. When things do not go the way I planned I tend to over-analyze things. But the good thing about that is that I make sure to learn what I did wrong and get something out of each event. I am very big on learning from my mistakes.

kctiger · Oct 3, 2009, 07:59 AM

Well you also need to learn that you cannot control everything, regardless of how decent and valuable you think you are. There will be many times in life that you encounter that simply do not make sense. Learning to accept that and not tying to rationalize these moments are going to be crucial in your growing as an adult. The funny thing about life is that you can't explain it by reading a book or writing out an equation.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 08:04 AM

Oh trust me I know what it feels not to have control over everything. I had to abandon my entire life (friends, family, belongings, everything) twice. I had to move to 2 different countries across the world and start my life over several times. I had to learn new languages, adjust to a new culture, and start from scratch.

I guess since then I just need to have control in my life because my past experiences shaped me this way.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 08:38 AM

Well Im a dumba**. I just sent her a text saying I love her. I know it was the wrong thing to do but my brain and heart had a disconnect. I will never learn.

paxe · Oct 3, 2009, 08:38 AM

Like KC said, you are probably looking too much into it. All these qualities will bring more girls and people in the future so these are assets you have to offer. Basically it's her loss and your gain. Some of us passed throw horrible times, but we try not to show it as there is always people living worse lives than us.

kctiger · Oct 3, 2009, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

Well Im a dumba**. I just sent her a text saying I love her. I know it was the wrong thing to do but my brain and heart had a disconnect. I will never learn.

And here we go...

You talk all of this stuff about being such a great guy, physically AND intellectually, yet you do something like this. I think that is what you aren't getting. There is NOTHING rational about love. It can't be explained, analyzed or computed. It is what it is.

Get your head in the game and QUIT texting her!

paxe · Oct 3, 2009, 08:56 AM

Yep, kc's right! Stop texting her and move on. Think of it like a smoking, rationally you should not take any more cigarettes so you force yourself not to.

Let her be and be free yourself. Besides, it has been 1 month since you broke up and 5 days of NC, as I recall after 1 months I was feeling good enough not to call, text or think too much about her. Get some b**** and continue what you are supposed to do.

amicon · Oct 3, 2009, 08:57 AM

So you ve had a moment of weakness-its human. You know its OK to be weak on occasion.
But the beauty of NC is that it gets you back on track.
I can only speak for myself but I would not be where I am today about three months down the line had I broken N C.

A4Effort · Oct 3, 2009, 10:04 AM

She just texted me back and said that she loves me too and that she is wearing a necklace that I bought her a while ago.

I do not adhere to any religion and consider myself more of a spiritual person but I pray to god that we get back together one day.

paxe · Oct 3, 2009, 10:07 AM

I hope you can find your way rationally once you have applied real NC. First days are tough, but when I did it I always trusted my peers who told me that I would feel better in the future.

If it is meant to be she will return, if not then you would have moved on by taking care of yourself.