[Geoffersonairplane]

And all this happened when you broke up?? The day before??

I went on holiday with my ex a week before it happened. It all seemed fine, we even slept together (sorry if that's too much info) but I guess sleeping together does not mean one is happy.

Anyway, a week later, she goes out with her friend on a weekend, then calls me up on the Monday and tells me.

Take a look at my thread, loads of good advice from others + you can also compare the situation to gain insight. Wap has also got a good thread under still hurts topic.

Your ex probably had built up this breakup for some time, perhaps months because I believe mine did. You are way behind in the grieving process.

Do you want to know what mistake I think you made (please don't get hurt by this)
You were too available, a bit like I was, you lost your friends (I think, from what you say) and she became your world, she may have then thought that you were too needy and reliant on her...

Perhaps you need to work on these areas and become strong again. If she were to meet you again or contact you, you would have built a new, healthier you but by then you may have moved on and found better...

YES.. you put her on a pedistal, now it's time for you to be the man on the pedistal, with or without her...

You can learn from all this and maybe repair the damage but it may not be with her, it could be with someone else.. who knows?

I know it is hard, I find it really hard and after 3 years in a serious relationship, I don't think anyone would blame me and I certainly understand your pain. It is ONE of the hardest things we will have to deal with in life but things always happen for a reason...

[BlazingCold]

I know she's found someone else, or at least has someone else in mind. She wouldn't leave me unless she was sure she could find another who could provide at least as much I provided for her.

Is this right? Or am I just completely wrong?

[Geoffersonairplane]

How do you know this? That she found someone else and if she has, how do you know he is in any way better than you?

It takes time to get to know what people are really like and she knows you well..

Even if she did have a new man in her life, he may not treat her with the same respect as you did.

I had some good advice from Chuff in my thread, I was questioning similar thoughts.. The truth is, my ex probably is dating other men because she was too young to appreciate me and had not been with anyone else. Chuff said, "who cares what she is doing", it is time to work on yourself!!

As long as she knows she has the power in that she can control when and if she comes back, you will never get her back and will never be free from this control.

It's only my opinion based on what I have been told!!

Be strong Blazingcold, If I can fight this, you can too!!

I think we all can, we just need a little guidance.

[Nohitter410]

You said it yourself about how you need to be less dependent and keep on walking with your head held high. She obviously knows how to be independent without you and that is not a negative reflection on you. She cares about you and still loves you but she knows you have been just too needy and too dependent on her. Women want a man they feel that they can lean but isn't always there for them when they lean if you catch my drift.

You are 20 years old, in college you are suppose to be having fun. No on said you have to be vindictive. The key is to let her have fun and do what she wants. If you meant that much to her not many things will change those feelings. The more you push the more negative thoughts you will put in her head. Right now she feels pretty good about you except for the fact that it was just going too fast and too serious. So go away for awhile, make some new friends and just find things that you can do for fun. Sitting around and thinking about her will make it worse. Do things that you would do if she wasn't with you and that you enjoy doing.

After awhile you will start to feel better about yourself and then when you slowly creep back into her life not doing much, just short quick phone calls being very aloof and unavailsble she will see you don't have a non-existent social life and she knows you can be happy without her and that will make her want to be happy with her. But she is 18 so don't put all your eggs in a basket. Until in my opinion a women graduates college, she really most of the time aren't ready for serious relationships. Senior year is when it might start early, but they want to be free because women put everything into the relationship once married and while in college it is like their last chance to have fun without any sort of commitment. Why can't you look at it like that?

Think about it like this, how many of your good friend in elementary school did you stay with in middle school. Then middle school to high school, then high school to college. Not many as you think.

It is hard to stay in close contact with someone. Out of sight out of mind. You can give her a break without completely disappearing from her life.

She wants to have fun with these girls because a lot of times people break apart and go their separate ways. No regrets just keep on living your life and you find much more happiness with yourself and that will make it easier to be happy with another person without feeling the need to depend on them for everything.

[BlazingCold]

Thanks for all the help Nohitter, what you say makes so much sense and I do believe it...

But today I feel like crap. I felt so good yesterday, like I was a new person. Now I'm filled with dread that she's never coming back. I want to see if it can work, with the changes I've committed to making to myself. I want to call her and pour my heart out, telling her I can change and that I want her back by my side.

[Nohitter410]

There is nothing wrong with thinking that. But that is the main reason why the breakup is so much harder for men than it is for woman. You think when she goes out guys won't hit on her, they will you have to deal with it. It probably happened while you were going out. You need to move on for now and forget about her for awhile as hard as that sounds or she will never come back. After a while doing your own thing, try to talk again but if you go at it too soon all you will do is feel worse, cause she will be gone forever.

[BlazingCold]

Just want to share something I remembered. The day we broke up, she came over to give a video game console I let her borrow. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours. She was very silent the whole time, just looking despondent while I was telling her how crappy she made me feel. Then she would hug me or put her head in my lap saying how she was crazy for believing she wasn't "madly in love with me". But when she had to go, she just said its over. I took my stuff , muttered that while I wanted to remain friends, I couldn't talk to her for a while, and didn't look back as she drove off.

[Wildcat21]

WHY on earth are you bringing up negative things all the time?

Guys are supposed to be the fun guys. Make them laugh.

You sound like a big buzz kill.

[BlazingCold]

I apologize for the negativity. This is where I come to let out my frustrations, as well as get feedback. I was a buzz kill, that's why I'm single now. But I promise you that if we met in person, I'm far from that now.

[momincali]

...But today I feel like crap. I felt so good yesterday, like I was a new person. Now I'm filled with dread that she's never coming back. I want to see if it can work, with the changes i've committed to making to myself. I want to call her and pour my heart out, telling her I can change and that I want her back by my side.

Why are you trying to change what's not broken? Being nice to someone means you're broken? Were you too nice to her, like lying down and being a doormat nice? If so, than, yes, tone that down, but honestly, I don't believe this is entirely why she left. This girl may have started this relationship with the right intentions but telling you that she was sick of you was just downright cruel. She's very young, and quite frankly, she may just be wanting to try different things, that unfortunately don't include you.

It doesn't sound like she's coming back.

So, if she doesn't, what does that mean? I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that you built a foundation for nothing, you built it for something. You had a relationship, you experienced life with her, you experienced love, even if it was brief. You can and will use these experiences and lessons in the future with other women, and they will serve you well.

Is there a chance for reconciliation? I guess anything is possible, but why would you want to? Do you truly believe there is no one better suited for you, someone who will be just as happy to see you if not more, someone with more maturity, someone kinder?

I had a first love too, we all did, most of us didn't marry them, there's a reason for that. They're almost a learning tool. Now that I'm older and wiser, thinking about what kind of guy he was, we would have never stayed married. Because I chose to let go and move on, I eventually met the man of my dreams, and I married him and had 3 beautiful babies. That could have never happened to me if I chose to look in the rear view mirror for the rest of my life asking "what if...".

[Geoffersonairplane]

I have nothing else to add except you have got good things coming, keep positive, don't worry about the 'if' she will come back... Actually you know what, I am in the same boat and I really am going to need to let go of hope and look forward to someone better coming into my life...

And you will move on too, and that is a great thing...

Read the last post before this one, it is very useful for YOU and others but take notice of it...

[BlazingCold]

The worry whether she's coming back fades every day. However, I'm worried about the future. She was too special to me to just cast her out of my life forever. I want to be there for her like a good friend should be, but I don't want to feel this way again if she bolts on me for still having feelings for her.

This is quite confusing.

[Geoffersonairplane]

The worry whether or not she's coming back fades every day. However, I'm worried about the future. She was too special to me to just cast her out of my life forever. I want to be there for her like a good friend should be, but I don't want to feel this way again if she bolts on me for still having feelings for her.

This is quite confusing.

She has cast you out of her life and you need to do that until she says she wants you to be part of her life again... I am sure she knows you will be there for her but no way can you be a good friend at this point. Not until the feelings go away but by the time they do go away, you may feel differently.

I thought my ex was special, but she used me and left me to experiment, I am certain of that, and while one day, she will realise, I will have moved on. I was deluded by thining she was special, ignoring the signs that I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone so young.

Sometimes we make people out to be special when in fact, we just want to believe that this is true because of the feeling we have, we ignore the bad things and only think about the good... Especially in a break-up. We only think about the good times, not the bad.

I can't say if she is special or not (your ex) because I don't know her so I am just giving you my perspective..

What is a buzz kill?

Never heard that term before.

[BlazingCold]

A buzz kill is someone or something that brings down a good mood or feeling.

We really do have things in common, as she left also to see what life was like without me (I think). She'll always be special to me, but how special is the question

I seriously contemplated leaving her during the summer, as I felt smothered by her wanting to be around me all the time. Leaving for school put some space between us, making me see how important to me she really was.

[Geoffersonairplane]

And it really hurts doesn't it to know, or have an idea in your head that your ex could be dating someone else, I know that this is how I feel.

I am having to accept that she probably is seeing other men. It kills to think like that but I guess that is part of the acceptance stage.

What we have to do is try to overcome the feeling that we were somehow not good enough or did something wrong..

Yes, I'm sure we both did do something wrong, we were too available to our ex's and therefore this is the wrong ingrediant for a successful relationship.. This does not make us bad or unhealthy but it does make the relationship bad and unhealthy..

I remember the best times I had with my ex was when we both had our own friends and did not spend too much time together then we both got lost in the relationship, lost our friends and spent too much time together. Now I am the one left behind, feeling alone and an overwhelming sense of personal rejection while she has found comfort in an old friend who is now introducing her to the single life she felt she lost..

Until she has lived her single life and experimented, there really is no way she could be with me but there is no point in waiting.. She really does think I am doing this (I'm sure)

And I think your ex thinks that too... that you are waiting, which you are but you won't be forever and you need to fight the thoughts of getting her back!

I'm not sure if you believe in fate, but if it is meant to be, it will be! And if it is not meant to be , it is not your fault.

I've just rambled again!

[Wildcat21]

I think people kind of forgot/omit the bad - I mean, this person bailed on you for wha tever reason. Maybe you pushed them away big time, but they did leave.

I'd work on myself and figure out the bad and correct it going gforward.

[talaniman]

Time will tell if you'll ever be friends, so don't worry about that, moving forward without her is what's important.

[BlazingCold]

It's been 2 weeks now, neither of us have contacted the other. I'm pissed that she could treat me this way, but I take it all as a learning experience. I'm getting to the point where I don't care if she calls again or not. This world is full of people, and I'll find someone who is better than her in every way.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi Blazingcold,

Nice to hear from you again.

Well, you are going through the right processes, from your most recent post, you are experiencing anger which is one of the stages of grief... Believe me, it is going to switch to and fro from anger and also sadness, and this will probably last for quite some time. I am 10 weeks post breakup and 5 weeks with no contact whatsoever.

I still get the anger and sadness but I find that acceptance of the fact that I will probably never hear from her again is creeping in slowly and the feelings of anger and sadness are becoming less frequent.

You have every right to feel the feelings you do and you are going through a process. Once more time has passed, you will begin to accept that she has her life now and you have your life and you will find comfort in knowing that you can move on learning a great deal from thnis experience.

I keep telling myself, MY EX WILL NEVER BE BACK because no contact is about improving you, it is not to be a subconscious step to be taken in the hope that No Contact will bring her back. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I was thinking like this and it just delivers more pain. It is unlikely she will be back.

Once you can accept this, you can begin to move on and the feelings of anger and sadness will slowly turn into acceptance of the situation.

I am not there yet Blazingcold, but I am making progress and it is all still quite fresh for you so you take your time, just let the process flow along but PLEASE, NO CONTACT!! It really does help you heal! I can't believe how right everyone is on this forum. If I had not listened to the advice I have been given, I would still be stuck in Day 1.

Sorry to bang on in here, hope this helps you!!

[valinors_sorrow]

Any serious relationship that ends is a guarantee that the person will ride the rough rapids of grief -- anger, fear, sorrow, a little craziness, shock, denial, bargaining are all part of that process as we humans work our way toward acceptance and then understanding. And while anyone is in that process they are a little more fragile than usual and capable of poor decisions-- which is why they need friends and family but no contact with the ex and no replacement/rebound connections either. They need safe shelter until they heal and emerge stronger and hopefully wiser for it. Time takes time but if you yield willingly to this process and keep yourself safe while maintaining an open mind, what waits for you on the other side is really worth it. I promise. You may find awareness and wisdom that might be worth the pain and might make for an entirely different kind of relationship with an entirely better suited for you person the next time. The trick is to hang onto the lesson while letting the hurt run like sand through your fingers. From the nature of your posts here, Blaze, you sound very capable for this, too.