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maria111 · Sep 28, 2009, 11:18 AM

So I dated a guy for 3 months. A very transitional period for me, was dating after years of being in long-term relationship. I am 26 years old. So I didn't not expect that much, was taking it easy and thought things should go slow. I liked that. But maybe I was giving mixed signals, not sure. He definitely was more clear in the beginning and showed his interest better than I did.
Anyway it was great. Great communication, interesting guy, a lot of time together. And it went quickly, we spent loads of time together. I want to say one thing, I was alone and lonely back then, I wasn't thinking twice about it, not me in a way. I felt I was treating myself with this but of course I developed feelings after some time naturally. I mean it wasn't insignificant, the connection was meaningful. He was trustworthy and genuine. I did one stupid mistake, spending a lot of time with him and no one else for some time. So now that things finished I cannot say whether I miss the company or the guy himself. You can imagine.
At some point things stalled. Then he said something has changed, he feels he doesn't feel the same way and this can't be a relationship so he should protect me. Not misinterpeting his behavior but he seemed a bit confused. Not trying to keep my hopes up by saying this, seriously. When he told me that and I said OK it's over he cried and all. Not sure whether we just didn't fall in love or a commitment issue or what.
What I am trying to figure out is whether it's possible for two people to be friends after such a short story? And is it possible that things ever worked out later on? Or should I just quit the whole thing. I feel I want him in my life then I think maybe it's an excuse to see him again and hope he'll regret it. How do you know it's the end for good? Any personal experiences of things working out later on?

Maria

redhed35 · Sep 28, 2009, 11:42 AM

If you can see him without having any feelings or expectations of something happening down the line,then perhaps...

He said his feelings have changed,tears or no tears,he still ended it...

I would move on.. dating should be fun,you don't have to just date one man...

Take your time and find your dating feet,the right one will come along,its hard when you get used to someone's company to just let go,but for your own emotional wellbeing,maybe just let this one go.

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 10:45 AM

Thanks for you reply rehed35. I see your point about it being beneficial to stop any communication. The reason I am thinking to keep seeing him is cause I am not even sure what I want from this. But of course the awkardness won't go away easily and maybe I will invest my thinking and time in this story rather than moving on.
I think my reluctance is because I am very emotional and find goodbyes so hard, I can't believe how a person can leave my life all of a sudden. I know it may sound childish but this is how I am...

redhed35 · Sep 29, 2009, 10:52 AM

I understand where your coming from,just be careful not to get too emotionally attached... if the other person does not feel the same way,it can get very upsetting for you..

Keeping an open mind,and careful to control your feelings here will be essential to your emotional and mental health.

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 11:25 AM

I know, you are right. It seems to me that even in this case where I know I am not really in love I find it hard to say goodbye. Maybe this happens to people like me that have been in long-term relationships and didn't experience dissapointments and goodbyes. I honestly find it so hard to understand how people cut off ties just like this. I admire it in a way cause I can't seem to do it. And I can easily say that after years of 'security' I am now thinking about minor things just like this breakup after 3 months in a more dramatic way than I should.

And indeed I am emotionally attached and feel a lot for him and even if I want to pursue a friendship with this man I will want something meaningful and substantial. This is the reason why I said goodbye in the first place, I thought I won't go into a situation where we'll just meet each other occasionally and do small talk. However, I am a bit too unfair, I do know that he was emotionally attached but then once the affair is over he may anyway not feel as he said he would during the break up

And the other thing is can I really move on if I keep seeing someone that was a lover all too soon? I am afraid of going into endless thinking of what's happening and whether there is a new spark between us... and I am expressing this fear knowing that I am probably not in love and wasn't ready to go into a full relationship, I needed time for things to mature. But you know how it is sometimes you keep thinking of the last thing you had if nothing new comes.

redhed35 · Sep 29, 2009, 11:45 AM

I have found in the past,when your used to behaving in a certain way in a long term relationship,its difficult the change your mindset to something less substanial... the longing for the security of the known is real... the unknown makes us doubt our motives and ourselves as what it is we really want from a new relationship..

A fresh start,or to revisit those familiar feelings..

Are you ready for something and someone new? Or is this man a reminder of what once was?

Garbo1975 · Sep 29, 2009, 11:54 AM

Your story is so me at the moment just come out of a 14 year relationship / marriage and children and met another girl was with her for 3 months in a very strong and intense (loving) relationship and then it ended and I am struggling to get used to having some one as a big part of my life (all be it for a short period relatively speaking) and then to be gone, kind of still in touch with her but don’t know whether I won't let go because I am not used to people coming and going out of my life just like that.

I suppose people with lots more "dating experience" will tell you that you get used to it and that you will eventually meet some special unfortunately I am not one of those people.

Not really any great help from me here but just thought you should know that you are not the only one currentlyin this situation.

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 11:59 AM

No, this new guy was definitely not a reminded of what once was. He is very interesting and different from my ex long-term boyfriend and I have appreciated and loved many things about him independently. And this is why things happened quickly between us. In 3 months we kept seeing each other very much because we indeed had a great communication and interesting discussions apart from the attraction. I know he is the same and this is why he was sad and upset.

But I have to tell you I often searched for the same kind of 'security' in this new thing. At first I was thinking I will just enjoy this fresh thing. But later I had times when I was feeling I needed some more security. I even felt nostalgia for my previous state when I didn't have to wonder whether someone will fall in love with me, love me etc. It's normal yet a bit funny cause I was thinking I would enjoy new things in my life as I had been in this 'security' with all its ups and downs for too long. And I did but yet I felt strange at times. I would stop myself from discussing at all with the guy though, I knew it was unreasonable and just a trace of my old state of being I had to change. He did say he felt I wanted more things and maybe expecting more when he said he feels his feelings have changed and that he had to protect us and especially me etc. I am not sure whether I did project my need for security subconsciously. Yes I do know deep in my heart I wouldn't have liked it if he had committed for more things early on. I would feel scared. His actions were a very good sign of his feelings etc, it was enough for me.

So this is why I am sitting thinking what to do next. I am not thinking I am going to harm myself too much if I see him again. My feelings are rather awakard though. I keep saying to myself there are very few people I can genuinely communicate with so why lose them and this is why I am thinking maybe a friendship is possible in order to be in each others' lives. See, I am doing this again, I can't let go of things...

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by Garbo1975

Ybecause I am not used to people coming and going out of my life just like that.

Not really any great help from me here but just thought you should know that you are not the only one currentlyin this situation.

Thanks a lot Garbo1975. It's good to see I am not alone here and that I am not the only one taking things the way I do. I envy people that can be so relaxed about break ups and someone going out of their lives. I sincerely don't think it's just the loving part that I will miss. I am not even sure I am in love with all the meaning for the word. But of course I got emotionally attached. And yes, everyone else says it's such a short period get over it and I keep thinking but we were so close...

This is what happens after a 9 year old relationship finishes and you are single all of a sudden I suppose...

artlady · Sep 29, 2009, 12:08 PM

Hi Maria!
I think you need to take time and get to know yourself.
I know that may sounds silly but often in relationships ,we lose our sense of identity.

We become the other half of a couple.
We forget how to be single and enjoy spending time alone.
Alone need not be lonely.It can be a very rewarding experience and a great opportunity for personal growth.

When you are whole as a person and comfortable enough to be by yourself,then and only then will you be ready to take on another relationship.

Redhead touched on some very important points and as she said it may be a security thing with this guy.

Your sense of security needs to come from within.

If you are thinking that life can't be good or you can't be happy without a man in your life,you are thinking in a way that will only cause you to fall into meaningless relationships because you are needy.

Spend time getting to know and love you and then you will be a great catch and better prepared to have healthy relationships based on mutual love and respect,not a need that is based on insecurity.

I would let this guy go.
Remember that needy and clingy is a very unattractive trait.

Good luck!

redhed35 · Sep 29, 2009, 12:09 PM

The normal course of events at this stage,taking into consideration what he said i.e. his change of feelings,I would suggest no contact...

You seem like an educated and intelligent women,and very self aware... reading your posts,I'm am inclined to say to let this go,my reasons are,you seem to want more then he is willing to give,at least right now... if you do decide to proceed with no contact,he may contact you... with a view to pursuing a romantic relationship...

I feel you could get hurt here,as you seem to wear your heart on your sleeve.

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 12:22 PM

Hi artlady and thanks!

I don't think it's silly, I do think it's true that we do lose our sense of identity in relationships. And though I don't regret this 3 month thing cause it was substantial and made me realize I can find other people other than my ex long term boyfriend to communicate with, I have to admit it came to a point of time when I was just learning to be independent after the break up. And yes, we spend so much time together with someone and when things finish we end up I am wondering 'can I make it on my own?'

Redhed35 thanks for the compliment! I am glad you find some sings of self-awareness in my words. I am indeed inclined to go see him once more though I know deep in my heart it won't be conscious, I won't know why it is I am going there, security or what. But indeed I think I should be extremely careful and not let this go out of hand. I shouldn't start seeing him from time to time and wondering what's going on and getting myself hurt.

88sunflower · Sep 29, 2009, 01:18 PM

I was reading through all these posts and not once was the word rebound mentioned. I agree with everything already said. But in everything I read all I could think was rebound. You met him, you clicked, but not enough to go long term. Now he is gone and you still want him there. Seems to me your on the rebound and this is your new security.

Like Artlady said, find yourself again. Be alone and live life. Learn who you are. Go forward.

maria111 · Sep 29, 2009, 02:39 PM

Thanks for your reply sunflower88.

It's good to talk about it as it makes me realize more and more it's not about love, it's abour security that I was discussing whether there were any chances. I think that it only comes down to one question now I need to give an answer to. That is, given that we do click and I do know that I am also not in love, is it worth it trying to pursue a friendship there?

I do know deep down inside what you said is the truth exactly, that we clicked but not enough to long term, at least for now but probably for good. So all I am thinking is do I cut off contact and why would since I am not really suffering or anything? I am sure we will both retain some romantic feelings for each other but I have had that before and they seemed to fade away and there were substantial relationships out of such situations.

Of course I see there is a danger here which is I am very vulnerable and I think it'll be easy for me to start thinking I want more though I know I am OK with not going long term. I mean, we really did come very close and intimate in a friendly way, right from the start I was also thinking where it would go. Just that after all this time as lovers I cannot seem to imagine being different. But maybe I can see, I am sure it won't hurt me a lot and I will be careful to stop it if it does instead of deluding myself and thinking things are not finished.

88sunflower · Sep 30, 2009, 06:00 AM

Well its hard. But just keep in mind your not in love and you did state that. You were in a long term relationship. Leaving that is hard enough. Don't be with someone else to just fill that void. Its not fair to anyone.

talaniman · Sep 30, 2009, 08:24 AM

Given his feelings have changed, I think you back off, and give yourself some time to process, and accept, and cope, that he wasn't feeling as strongly as you are, so you CAN be friends in the future.

It was only 3 months, and while you were getting more interested, he was not. See it for what it is, fun while it lasted, but over now. Let go for a while, and see what comes next in your life, without him.

You can be friends later, but for now, your still to attached, and hopeful.

maria111 · Sep 30, 2009, 08:47 AM

Thanks both for your replies.

I see everyone is suggesting no contact. But I can't say I am hopeful. If you have read the previous posts I think it is clear I am fully aware that my reason for some extra attachment to this is a feeling of insecurity which I am capable of controlling if I see him. But I DO know that for both us there were issues and this wouldn't turn into a long-term relationship. Yet we were both very upset, him more than me, about not being in each others' lives. It doesn't mean that if dating doesn't turn us into a couple we should quit a relationship over all right?

But yes the transition would be awkard and slow and maybe taking time before pursuing this makes sense I suppose.

Just Looking · Sep 30, 2009, 08:58 AM

I've generally remained friendly with my exes - minimal contact, but friendly when it occurred. There is one ex I would still consider a good friend, but it took a while to get there. We were together for 18 months. When we first broke up, we didn't have any contact for about 3 months. It was my choice to break up, and his choice to go NC. We tried talking at that point, and did for a few months - until he again needed more time to stop thinking about us as an "us". We stopped again for 3-4 months, and then he went through a phase where he wanted to dissect everything that happened. For about a week, we had lengthy emails about everything. After that, we were able to be friends again. We still have to be careful, though. We still will hit points where one of us will want to back down, but we are very honest with each other. It can be difficult at times, as are many friendships, but we both honestly love each other - just no longer in a romantic way.

maria111 · Sep 30, 2009, 09:06 AM

I have tried to be 'friends' with my exes as well but if it's a long-term relationship of 8 years it gets too complicated, you need to let go for a while and accept minimal contact so that both move on. Then with some others we are more like ex lovers that love each other though the romance is over so check on each other from time to time but there is awkardness remaining. Other people go NC and never contact each other again-all understandable if there is a strong feeling remaining I think.

With your post you made me realize the reason why with this specific one I am considering it as a potential more thany any previous time, it is because I know that I would be very honest with him. If I start seeing him and have thoughts about getting back together I would tell him, if it's all too awkard at first and we need more time to fix things I would do so again. It's just that something tells me that down the line we could really manage it. And your case was 18 months, that's way longer, 3 moths might be much more manageable.

Just Looking · Sep 30, 2009, 09:26 AM

You seem to know yourself well. I not only pay attention to what I am feeling, but also to what he is feeling. I am the more logical and rational of the two of us, though he also knows himself very well. It works for the most part. When it isn't, we back off for a while and then have a heart to heart. Good luck.