[High Max]

Emopunk, let me give this a try.

You made a few mistakes here but I don't think you are a lost hope for future relationships.

I myself do not trust women as far as I can throw them. As much as everyone tells me to and to give them a chance, I cannot. There are no certanties in life.. and a relationship is definitely not one of them. There are many conscious and unconscious factors at play when it comes to love and relationships regarding the way a woman will perceive you. More often than not, a lot of men do not realize this is even happening, if they are getting lucky or failing miserably.

Don't play their games back at them, they will get even more mad at you than you did at them, and will probably end up leaving you if it persists. I don't really think that it was your fault for that, because she was lying to you. You definitely have to be a man and call her out on her BS from time to time too. You can't always say "oh its ok baby" because she will think you are a pushover. You are a man who demands respect, and gives it in return. Remember that.

I don't think anything myself or anything else here will convince you to be more trusting of a woman when she goes out with her friends, or to a bar or club. I won't sugar coat it, men are probably checking her out or trying to get with her. That's the sad reality. They don't care if she is single or if she has something with you. Nobody these days respects the boundaries of a relationship. It makes me sick, but that's just the way it is.

I definitely feel where you are coming from not wanting her to leave your side because there's always that risk of another man stealing here away. That's something you have to realize and understand, it's a risk you take when you get into a relationship with somoene. For the future, you need to be prudent and picky in who you select as your partner. Make sure it won't be someone who does this . I don't care how pretty she might be, don't settle for her if she isn't someone you can TRUST and who can be MATURE and HONEST with you. No amount of good looks can compensate for a lack of those qualities in a woman. I'd date someone less good looking to have those qualities.

Bottom line: Even if you can't trust them or aren't confident in yourself or in her. Do not show it. At least create the illusion that you are the most confident, trusting guy there is. Worry about her all you want when she is gone, but don't confide in her that you are worried or that she can't be with other men. After she hears this from you over and over again, she will lose her attraction for you because you are too naggy and aren't confident enough. At least fake it if you can't be trusting.

Hope this helps for the future

[emopunk7]

Thank you for that High Max. What gets me mad is that I thought everything was going well... I was at work and she told me to bring my charger but I knew I didn't need it for only one shift. Then I had to work another shift without knowing but I was going to call her on my break and tell her. By she kept calling and calling and texting for me to pick up with angry texts like where are you and all that. So I can't rele use my phone there so I text her I will call you soon. Still she kept on and so I kept texting that I will call you soon. After like 2 hours I text "I'm at work"... but she was mad. She said why I took so long and all that and I said I know I should have told you sooner. I honestly didn't to get a bit of a reaction from her because I had been feeling like she only cared about her job. But then I called her and she was out with her sister and since it was Thursday I had a feeling she was going to go out with her sister to their church where her ex is. I text her "r u getting mad at me just so you can go to that church... she said no... I said OK then later I said where are you going and she said with my sister to church... I said why is your ex going to be there and she said no he isn't going to be there... well then she goes and she says she is in the car but I found out she was going inside anyway... the next day we made up and have a great day and then that same night she sneaks out behind my back... I just felt this thing like she just wanted to keep sneaking out. I wonder what it is. It must be something if she has to want to sneak out. If I have to text her exactly when I have to do another shift which is understandable to me and she wouldn't like me going out by myself, then why does she have to do it... I don't get it...

We would swim and play around with each other and have so much fun. I don't think I could ever find that again. I'm so sad.

[emopunk7]

How do you move on when you don't have anyone to text that cares and nobody to make plans with for a day off? How can you move on when they are all you can think about and you miss them? When you feel you haven't done anything wrong except what they did to you n now they break it off and your left confused as to how can that one thing break you up when I did everything else so good. Where is the mercy and forgiveness? I am still here and would always be. Why can't she??

[emopunk7]

N even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. All she said was well if your mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break... pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt... she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about and come to an agreement.

[High Max]

I know my friend, its damn cruel and it sucks. I have been through so many women since the love of my life last July. And I have not found one that I have loved or felt for like I did with her.

I won't lie, this isn't easy. I miss her and wish she were mine again everyday. At least it wasn't your fault completely. I completely ruined what I had. I have to live with that burden forever. :(

[Cat1864]

n even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. all she said was well if ur mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break...pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt...she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about n come to an agreement.

Emo, read what you wrote. THINGS WERE NOT GOING WELL if this is how your arguments went.

Pay attention to Tal's warning.

[emopunk7]

T-Man... u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?
And thank God for this site... it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

[emopunk7]

High... I reread and it wasn't u that someone cheated on... but how did you mess up?

Paxe... how is it that someone cheating on you is worse? I'd rather that than this because I sometimes feel I could have changed certain things whereas with your situation you know its all her fault.

Tman... this site likes telling me what I did wrong and I'm hoping its to help me with my next relationship but I need to remember what she did wrong as well as it helps. I was just a guy in a relationship who loved a girl... I gave her my everything and I made changes and worked at it... somehow she didn't want to work through the hard times and would give up instead of fix things. I always begged to fix things and to talk but she wouldn't want to. We had great times and we had bad times and we make changes... we had a mutual agreement of not going out a lot without each other but if we were going to we would be honest. That's important to me and she messed it up over 4 times... I know she didn't rele like my girl cousin but I invited her for a sleep over with the fam but she said no because my cousin was going to be there... but at least I was honest. Then that same night she said she loved me and went out without telling me... I was pissed and now something similar happened... is this a pattern of hers?

[Cat1864]

T-Man...u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her...what do I do now?
And thank God for this site...it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

Emo, I know you like talking to us. I sometimes wonder if that is part of why you keep obsessing over her. Do you think we won't talk to you if you appear to be getting over her?

We want you to be healthy mentally and emotionally. We won't stop talking to you just because you stop going on about where to place blame or that the anger is diminishing.

I, for one, would love to hear more about the gym and how you distract yourself from calling her. I would be ecstatic to hear that you are making new friends who don't know about her and that you are finding ways to feel good about yourself that don't involve putting someone else down.

It isn't easy to let the hurt go. We have a tendency to want to hold on to it as a life preserver, but it only pulls us under. When we let go of it, we can get our heads above water and breathe again. But as long as you have a death-grip on it, we can't help you to the surface.

[emopunk7]

Cat... I do think nobody wants to hear what I have to say anymore n I ask that everyone gives me a little more time please.
Is it possible that this is a pattern? She feels trapped or bothered and goes out behind my back even though she said she would be honest. Is this acceptable?

Also has anyone done these things with their significant other and then break up?
Go shopping,
Hanging out, have fun, give each other massages, sleep together, sex, make cute faces and love each other, talk about marriage and kids??

[DerelictHerds]

Look. The past I don't know how many pages have been the same things. Was this acceptable of her? Should I accept this behavior? She did this. She did that. Was this a reasonable thing for her to do?

It doesn't even seem like you're trying to move on or take anyone's advice here from what I'm reading.

People are losing sympathy.

Sure you can make a case for her faults, but there is also enough blame for you too, so the quicker you acknowledge your own faults, the quicker we can sympathize with your loss.

Bottom line, we don't care what she did, its what you did about it thats the real issue to all of us here. Its done, and we all want you to heal, and be better for the experience. It may take a while, but you will be okay for it.

[emopunk7]

Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

[Cat1864]

Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

I am glad that you are trying. Every day that you let a little bit more of the anger and hurt go is better for you mentally and emotionally.

How is the 6-pack going? I know you said earlier that you were getting there.

What kind of music do you play?

[DerelictHerds]

That's what we want to hear. What you're doing for YOU to let yourself heal.

Don't reflect on everything yet, wait until sh*t settles.

Makes goals. I see one is getting a 6-pack. You work on the rest of your body as well?

[emopunk7]

We play rock music and I play the drums, I'm pretty good. I'm going to do more workouts tonight when I get home.

Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?

[High Max]

To answer your question before emo, I didn't give her enough attention and wasn't there for her when I should have been. She got fed up and moved out and I never saw or heard from her again.

[talaniman]

Is it possible that this is a pattern?

Yes it's a pattern as no matter what you agreed to she did as she pleased, and you went along with it.

Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?

By rights you should have been the one to walk, instead of letting her punk you out. But you chose the easy way out which kept the good times rolling, instead of nipping this in the bud.

T-Man... you say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?

The fact that nothing changed because you still allowed her to walk all over you, should tell you that getting back together was not the answer to the problem.

What you do now, is don't make the same mistake, and go through the healing process, and move on this time. That simple.

Knowing you though, you still want her back, and will take her if you think she will finally agree to your program.

Stay busy guy, with doing your own thing, as it will be quite a while before your healed enough to see where your emotions have taken you, and what following your broken heart, has made you. A sucker for her false hope and dishonesty.

Keep yourself respect and dignity this time around by disappearing from her life.

[emopunk7]

OMG!! If ever someone deserved an award for their advice, T-Man, you got it!! That was amazing, especially when you said I should have walked away and nipped it in the butt instead of letting her punk me. Yeah, you are so right. T-Man... this time I have not cried so far and I feel a lot stronger than the first time. Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone n not feel hurt if I see her with someone. I know I can be okay.

[friend4u178]

Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone

Emo

The last thing you need right now is to try and find someone to replace your Ex , they will just become a Rebound which may ease your pain temporarily but not good in the long run. Also then you'll be playing with another persons emotions and that wouldn't be fair on them.

What you need to find is YOU , so get cracking with NC and start by keeping yourself active and stop dwelling on your Ex.

Good Luck and we'll all be here to talk if you need us.

[Cat1864]

Emo, I hope you can keep up that attitude. It is a lot healthier.

Give yourself time. Remember, no quick fixes. Like getting the abs built up and learning to play the drums, you can't rush healing but it will be worth it when you come out stronger.