[bubblytoes]

My husband have had some bedroom issues of late, but are really trying to communicate and work together to solve them. One huge complaint I had was I got no kissing or foreplay of any kind - ever. Well, after much talking, he confided in me was that while kissing and foreplay, he couldn't get OR maintain an erection because he is so distracted trying to ensure that he is pleasing me. Then, when I'm all 'ready', it's hit or miss if he's going to be able to perform. (performance anxiety perhaps?) Does anyone have any advice for us? We have been trying really hard to work together to solve this problem. I have suggested counseling for him, but he isn't really interested. I think he's embarrassed, although I don't think it's anything a doctor hasn't hear before. Does anyone have any suggestions for us?

[bronzebabe]

Depends on his age. I think he might have a bit of performance anxiety. He is worried about you. Once you all are actually having sex, does he have trouble keeping the erection, or is it just during foreplay? I know men are embarrassed about this, but seeing a doctor MIGHT be what he needs to do.

[jmjoseph]

Tell him to go in for a check-up, and to talk to the doctor about getting something for erectile dysfuntion. Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra are relatively new, but work wonders.

He, and you, will be happy as teenagers again.

No guy wants to HAVE to take these types of little "helpers", but they're there for a reason.

Maybe his doctor will see if he is a candidate for this type of medicine. He might even have some samples.

I know guys in their late twenties that are taking them. So no matter what his age is, he can get past the idea of it.

[Cat1864]

It is always best to rule out medical issues that ED can be a symptom of or caused by.

This may sound strange, but it has worked for me when my husband has come home tired or is distracted by thoughts of work. Try playing around with no intention to have intercourse. Just enjoying the feel of each others bodies and reactions can lead to interesting places.

Another idea you might try is verbal stimulation. Shared fantasy can do a lot to keep the libido stimulated and the brain from obsessing over one aspect of sex. You might even find it heightens your pleasure.

[Gemini54]

I'm not sure that this is an issue of ED. I suspect he doesn't know how to get aroused from kissing and pleasuring you.

Get him to associate his pleasure with the acts of kissing and foreplay.

Firstly, I would be stimulating him while he is kissing you so that he feels aroused and his brain connects arousal with kissing you.

Play with his penis and testicles, roll around in different positions, get him to practice feeling stimulated through deep kissing.

Secondly I would be mixing things up - have a quickie where you don't do much kissing or foreplay and when he is aroused, really aroused, kiss and get him to stimulate you.

Next time do the sensual thing and touch each other without any penetration until you're both super aroused and at screaming point, then have sex.

It's really easy to get into patterns around sex and sometimes it takes time to break them down and get out of our comfort 'arousal' zones.

[stevetcg]

Let me ask this - how much of the foreplay is centered on getting him ready? That can be part of it too.

Let me be blunt... warming a woman up can sometimes be a long and arduous process. IF there are other things going on in life... and when isn't it, the mind may wander. This is a great tool if its endurance enhancing... but during warm up... not so much.

Also, minor health issues such as elevated blood pressure can have a huge effect on his ability to maintain unsupervised arrousal. I don't get the impression that you are 20 anymore... what gets easier for women in their 30s and 40s gets harder (pun sort of intended) for men.

[PeterSA]

I also find that I concentrate on sex or foreplay with my wife and then I often find my mind wondering about work, news, etc and then the whole feeling has gone.
I used to worry aboutour child or the mother inlaw hearing us (she stays with us) and wanted music or something on and wife said no as she finds it distracting (ironic huh).
After the ED She got very angry a few times (I can understand that)
Now I get anxiety about performance anxiety and make excuses not to have sex. I now really don't look forward to sex. I masturbate often (without my wife) and this is fine for me, obviously not for her.
When I was with women before I was before married it was fine and they had good time. Now its just crap

[Oliver2011]

There is also something called "7 Seconds" that I've heard advertized on the radio. Has anyone else heard that? I am not sure how it works in 7 seconds but oh well.

[smoothy]

Please look at the dates when responding... this thread was last responded to over 3 years ago... and the OP hasn't been back since then.

[knightpanthera]

I wanted to make a comment here to get a few things off my chest hoping it would help out. I'm on this page because I'm 30, not married, and have had a long dry spell. Last night I was with a girl and I was doing everything right but I wasn't achieving an erection after 3 minutes of foreplay. I made up for it in other ways but I think there are a few tips to keep in mind on why I wasn't able to stay erect.
Firstly I was drunk. This is the biggest hurdle with getting and maintaining an erection.
Second I was too concerned with doing the right techniques. Like remembering a complicated dance routine.
Third, which wasn't a big issue, I wasn't into the girl very much and only wanted her because she wanted me.
All these things made it hard for me. So I'm pretty sure I don't have an illness and maybe a slight anxiety problem. I also masturbate a bit too frequent [almost every night] which might be killing my sex drive.
Next time I'm just going to stop the alcohol and reduce masturbation. I'll check back if I do well.