[viol3t]

So this is a really dodgy situation. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have discussed marriage and having kids together and are currently building a house together. For the first time in my life things are finally looking really good - so as usual something has to come along and tear all of that down.

Yesterday, my partner received a letter from the Child Support Agency - I didn't open the letter but I recognised the return address on the envelope (due to my parents being divorced when I was a child). I asked him about it and he hit me with a bombshell.

When he was 17 he had a relationship with this girl for a few months and they broke up. He was told outright by her that she was on the pill. 3 1/2 years later she contacted him and told him that she had a child who was nearly three and that it was his. He has known for a few years and has not been in a financial or emotional situation to deal with it - what's more is he's never seen the kid, doesn't know if it's a boy or a girl and this woman doesn't want him in the child's life- she just wants his money.

Although this is a massive breach of trust in our relationship (he SHOULD have told me a long time ago) I want to work through it and stay together. However, I do not want anything to do with this child and neither does he. He feels totally betrayed by this woman and as far as he and I are concerned (and I know it sounds HORRIBLE of me), we don't feel that this should our financial responsibility for the rest of our lives. He never got any say in having the child, as far as he knew they had taken the necessary precautions against getting pregnant and he was kept totally in the dark for the first three years of this child's life. That girl had three options - abortion, adoption or raising the child, but chose to give my partner NONE of those choices. The mother also has a new partner who is supporting them.

Does anyone know of what rights we have in terms of being able to get on with our own lives - without our future being jeopardised because of this?

[simoneaugie]

Is he questioning paternity? If he is the father, then he must support the child. Having sex, even with several types of birth control all used at once, can still result in a pregnancy.

The fact that he wasn't told about the child for 3 years has no bearing on the fact that he is a father. Fathers (and mothers) pay child support. Even if she is with another man now, the child is your partner's and he must support his own child.

[stevetcg]

You make it sound like paying child support is a death sentence.

No, there is no way around HIS RESPONSIBILITY. What you WANT in this is immaterial. If he didn't want a child, he shouldn't have had sex. Period.

Pay up and get used to it. And its not the rest of your life... its until the child is 18.

And yes, it does sound horrible of you. Think of it this way... what if you get pregnant and decides that he doesn't want to be a part of YOUR child's life.