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oscarlicous · Sep 25, 2009, 05:55 AM

Woo! Go george bush! Feeling sorry for clinton though.

NeedKarma · Sep 25, 2009, 06:02 AM

:thumbsup: :)

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 06:37 AM

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs... these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir.."

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 06:43 AM

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
His lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
My interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..?

WAY TOO COOL!  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
The blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
Admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
Thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
 
This thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
 
Some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
Hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
Supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
Three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water.
 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
Less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
Two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
Way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
Best..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
Side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst
From such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
To give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.. .
 
WHAT THE HELL!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
Up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
The oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
Sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
Above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
My body flopping all over the living
Room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
Note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
Yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
By a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would
Be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape. My bent
Reading glasses were on the mantel of
The fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
Originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
Twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
Bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
Sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
Believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
Offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
And now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!
 
 
 
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS...

shazamataz · Sep 25, 2009, 06:45 AM

Nice one Adam :D

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 06:48 AM

Thank you Shaz

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:10 AM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
>> > his
>> > toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
>> > 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
>> > heaven?'
>> >
>> > Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
> and
>> > watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
>> > comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
>> >
>> > Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
>> > adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
> she
>> > started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>> >
>> > The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
> and
>> > there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
>> > Grandma home?'
>> >
>> > The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> boyfriend.'
>> >
>> > The minister fainted

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 07:12 AM

I like it ,very cute.
I love a joke that I can tell my 85 year old Mom!

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:14 AM

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:    

 
Dear Grand-daughter,
       
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
       
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
       
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
       
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
Thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
       
It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
Honked,  I'd never have noticed.
       
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
       
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy,
And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
       
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
       
Everyone started honking!
       
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
       
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
       
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the  air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
       
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
       
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
       
My grandson burst out laughing.
       
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
       
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
When I noticed the light had changed.
       
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
Through  the intersection.
       
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
Before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
Them after all the love we had shared.
       
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
       
Will write again soon,
       
Love,  Grandma

 

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:16 AM

Thanks. I'm glad you like it . There is another one titled Grandma and jesus I just posted

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 07:22 AM

I love it! LOL!

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:24 AM

Oh crap. Something didn't work right and I didn't get it all posted. Let me fix it and then you can finish it. Ok? Sorry

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:46 AM

Ok, it is fixed. For some reason it wouldn't let me post it all at once, I had to do a little at a time

Kagan88 · Sep 25, 2009, 07:49 AM

This has got to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read!!

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 07:56 AM

This sounds real.I can see any number of the men in my life doing something like that !

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 08:23 AM

I know I would be tempted. I have one of those electric fly swatters and not only was I tempted but I touched it a time or two or three.

Cat1864 · Sep 25, 2009, 08:38 AM

Then there are the electric fence stories.

mudweiser · Sep 25, 2009, 08:44 AM

Haha!

This is farking hilarious.

Sarah

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 08:50 AM

If you are left-handed, use your left foot and hand. How smart is your right foot? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon... This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY... ) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air withyour righthand Your foot will change direction. I told you so!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

adam_89 · Sep 25, 2009, 08:53 AM

Great Humor, I am running out of things to post so sorry. I know most weren't the greatest but hey it was time consuming.