[jokertown]

I don't really know if this is the right place to post this but I have a problem and was wondering if some of you might help me out. Im a lesbian, and I'm 17 and just feel SO alone about the whole gay thing cause I live in Tennessee (not saying it's a bad place to live) and not a lot of people around here are really accepting of gay people. I get a lot of crap from people saying "its wrong" or "its a sin and im going to hell" or some guy wants to "straighten" me out. I live with my grandparents and aunt, they think I'm gay (I haven't told them, they just pick on things I guess). They always like to make comments at me like saying I'm "trying to take my brother's girlfriend" or that "God will punish you for the way you are". Its like hard enough to deal with, without my family saying hurtful things to me. At times they just call me names for no reason, in a way I feel like coming out to them cause I think maybe they will just cut back on the things they say; but I don't know if that would be such a good ideal? If any of you can help me out with this I would LOVE it! PS, please don't send me any messages telling me I'm going to hell or that I'm weird. Thankx a lot. PLEASE HELP.

[rkim291968]

Just hang in there until you become independent.

[giggles]

You're not going to hell and you're not weird!
I think you should repost this in the sexuality section, as more people may see it who will be able to give you advice.
Do you have anyone, a friend in your neighbourhood for example, who you can talk to?

[mxpx45]

I voted "No" for you! I think it was no. it was whatever the one that said gays can get married in tennesse and they have rights

[Krs]

Closed minded people should be banned from such thoughts.
You are not weird for being gay, you are not harming society and you are not harming yourself or no one, so please bare that in mind.

I have absolutley nothing against gays,we are living in a society where all is possible, there are FAR FAR more worse things in life that happen, being gay is no big ordeal. It's a part of life and we should all accept it.

Im on your side honey, and don't put yourself down and don't let others put you down, always remember you are normal, and its something in you that you cannot change its part of who you are.

[talaniman]

You have no choice but to hang in until you can support yourself and live on your own. Be patient for now, try to ignore every ones ignorance. You are who you are and its really nobody's business but yours.

[Fluffy Clouds]

Im 21 and I always new I like girls but could never say it out loud last year I met a girl where I work and she was a lesbion we became really close and I admitted my feeling about girls we ended up kissing and we became involed for 6 months we are still good mates just not together when I told my best friend who is like my sister and I love her to bits that think I'm bi she was disgused with me! I turned around after a couple of weeks of her being all off and strange with me and told her that if she can not except the way I am then we can no longer be friends. She was so hurt by me saying that she had no choice it was either lose her her firend she had none for years or just except it so she exceptred it we no go out to town in the gay village that's where there there are loads of bars for gay prople and she tries to choose girls for me now. What I'm trying to say is just come out with it if they don't like it I say it's there problem and them being weird not you your being honest and open so I say go for it and don't let anyone get you down!

[J_9]

Fluffy, you are a lesbian too? This is VERY contradictory since you said in your other post that you are involved with a married man!!

[talaniman]

Didn't see the other post thanks J_9, but check this out

i told my best friend who is like my sister and i love her to bits that think im bi she was disgused with me!

[J_9]

Yes, I saw that, but then there was this:

we no go out to town in the gay village thats where there there are loads of bars for gay prople and she trys to choose girls for me now

So, either she is fooling with a married man, lesbian, bi, or none of the above and pulling our legs.

[talaniman]

My wife is the only one to pull my legs so watch it! Seriously it is confusing with two post that are so opposite.

[Fr_Chuck]

First you are going to find people that don't agree with gay or lesbian life styles no matter where you live, So for that if you are lesbian, they will always be somewhere in your work place, in your neighborhood and in your life. So don't expect them to go away.

And sorry to the one poster who don't think that people should have equal rights to not accept things, It is a right to do so. I have been in black churches that taught that white people were sons of satan and only the black Jesus will come and save all black people ( I did not stay there long after that service started)

So you will always find people who don't like something about you or your lifestyle no matter what that lifestyle is.

So you are what you are, and TN is just as good of place to be one as anyplace is. They are everywhere, you have them in some of the smallest towns, you have them as EMTS, hosptial nurses, school teachers and more. You will see Gay/lesbians together at walmart, at McDonalds and more. I live in a town of 5000 and know at least 10. ( sure there are more but I don't get out a lot locally)

Some my see it funny, but in Atlanta they city did a rebuild and I ended up living in a new community area ( they built around my home) and I guess 1/2 my neighbors in three blocks where all gay or lesibian.
I still don't agree with the life style, but they were great neighbors, we ate at each others homes, had BBQ and had community events together.

( most because they were business people were even my political party )
We had a lot in common except our belief in sexual lifestyles.

We shared the things we had in common and had some fun discussions at times on things we did not agree on.

But you will find and see a lot more people with same beliefs as you start getting out around your area more.

[bobbyoh]

I no you asked not to post this but I'm going to anyway because I believe its right.

Yes, being gay is bad and yes it is a sin. But everbody sins, it is impossibl for somebody not to sin. There has only been one perfect person on this earth and that was Jesus. So what I am saying is that you can be gay and still go to heaven. Even though God doesn't like. You can do whatever you want and still go to heaven but you can't just not feal bad for what you did. You have to face the fact that you know you did wrong, that you feel bad doing it and you will try to do better for Him. The only way and I mean the ONLY way to go to heaven is to accept Jesus Christ into your heart as you Lord and Savoir. The way to do that is tell Jesus you adment and understand you are a siner, and that you accept Hime into your Heart and you will try to do good for Him.

Please take this post serously and if any of you have any questions about what I just said, just private message me and I will be happy to answer your question. Thank you.

[margog85]

Jokertown-

I understand where you are coming from, as I came from a similar situation. My advice to you would be to wait until you know you are ready emotionally and financially to get out of your home if things get rough. I had to come out twice, once in my senior year of high school and again in my second year of college. The first time I came out I was 17, and had no way to really get away from a bad situation at home. Being told on a daily basis that you're disgusting, perverted, sinful, going to hell... being told you can no longer see your girlfriend or associate with certain people (I guess gay is a contagious disease in some people's minds!)... it soon takes a toll on you, especially if you are not prepared for it.

At that time, my parents basically tore my support system out from under me, isolated me so that they were all I had, and then proceeded to berate me relentlessly until I gave in and told them I must have been mistaken, I'm actually quite boy-crazy. A lie I gave to them, and tried to believe myself just because it would have been easier than the truth. But I know now that it's not something that can be changed, and not something that is in need of changing- never compromise who you are for anyone.

Your family may make jokes with you now, but it may be their way of probing you to find out what's really going on. They may have an idea, but as soon as you admit it, it is likely they will be in denial and try to force you back into the closet. (My parents told me that they 'never saw it in me' that I was a lesbian- I guess my power-wheels motorcycle, my basketball games with the boys in gradeschool, my refusal to wear dresses, my lack of interest in make-up and fashion, my boyfriend-less life at 17... even though those are all TOTAL, and usually false, stereotypes, I'd think the could deduce from that that it was POSSIBLE their daughter might be gay, no? Lol)

The second time I came out, I was 19 and in my 2nd year of college. Things were different- I had a girlfriend who I was so in love with and unwilling to be separated from (we are still together over three years later)- I had built up confidence in myself so that no amount of badgering, hate, anger, or pressure could force me to believe that WHO I AM is wrong- As I was over 18, legally I could leave and not be forced to return- I had money- I had a support system (that I ended up needing very badly!)- even with all of that on my side, it was still the most difficult experience I've ever been through. Losing your family, even if it's only temporarily until they come to terms with your sexuality, is very, very painful. Don't underestimate the amount of pain you're going to feel if things don't go the way you hope- it's very difficult, and you need to be ready.

On both occasions when I came out to my family, I really can't say that I DECIDED to do so. They did they're regular snooping and spying on me and confronted me about it- and I was not about to lie as though I was ashamed of who I was. But since it was at a time that was forced upon me rather than chosen by me, it hit me like a ton of bricks because I had little to no preparation for dealing with the situation. So please, if you don't feel that you are totally ready, do not come out just to prove a point or get them to stop their jokes. Because it can get much worse- and for your own safety and sanity, you really do need to be prepared for that.

The second time around, I was much more resolute because I knew that I could be. When I was 17, my ability to escape them when things got too hard was limited. At 19, I could handle it, although I wished I didn't have to.

Basically, I stuck it out for the first week- day in and day out I was yelled at, cursed at, belittled and put down. They said some pretty hurtful things (i.e. I was not to be left alone with my little sister because 'if I'm prone to one type of sexual pervision, I'm prone to others as well'- so I was, in their eyes, the equivalent of a child molestor, and a danger to my sister who I love more than life). They threatened to take my car (which, although I worked and made monthly payments on, was titled in my father's name due to my age at the time of purchase- I just never bothered switching it over, not seeing the need to go through that hassle-). I was told that if I went anywhere without their permission (i.e. to see my girlfriend) they would report the car as stolen and have me arrested. I was told I had to quit my job, where my partner and I met (I refused). I was told to meet with the Pastor of our church (which I did to appease them, telling them beforehand that it wouldn't miraculously change me... and he was honestly much more accepting than I had ever anticipated!).

Well, things escalated- the night that I saw the priest, I came home and they asked what he said and what I was thinking (expecting, I suppose, that I had a new-found love of god and men from a 30 minute discussion with a man who told me that 'just because the church teaches now that it's wrong, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is- you need to follow your heart and develop your conscience and follow it')- When they realized I was still a big ol' dyke, they flipped. My mother pulled out a knife and tried to stab herself. I had to wrestle it from her hands.

Lots of yelling, crying, chaos ensued.

My father said if I didn't call my girlfriend and break up with her, he would call her family and out her to them. 'Look what you're doing to this family' was his mantra. Not 'look at what we've done to ourselves because we're bigoted pigs who should never have become parents if we expected cookie-cutter children')

My mother went running out the door, sped off down the street in her car. I went to run after her, worried about her because she really seemed to have lost it... but I couldn't catch up. My father was furious at home, and I wasn't about to go back there... I was so scared. Friends and coworkers told me all week to just leave, but I didn't want to unless it was absolutely necessary. At this point, it was.

Terrified, I ran to a friend's house around the corner, hid in her closet when my father came there looking for me (which looking back I find very funny... I had to hide in a closet when I was coming out... haha!)- My supervisor and my girlfriend came and picked me up- and my girlfriend and I ended up living in a motel for a month and a half, without a car (I wasn't about to take the car, since I was told I'd be arrested if I did- and even when they said they wouldn't do that, I didn't trust them not to at that point)-

Now it's about two and a half... almost three years later... we've moved 500 miles away from my family, bought a house, got a dog, I'll be getting back into school next semester, and my partner the semester after that... we've made a life for ourselves and made it work. But it was hard. It was a struggle. And you need to be prepared for the worst, and prepared to fight for who you are and what you believe. And it's not just about having the nerve to do it- you need to be sure that you have the resources and support system to do so.

You'll never be totally 'ready' because it's a risk you have to take. You may lose everything that you know and love (your family, your home). Eventually you will have to push yourself. But you do need to be prepared. And as hard as it may be... it's worth it. To be unashamedly you is the best feeling in the world. After hiding and lying for years, you get to feeling that it really IS something to be ashamed of (maybe not on a conscious level.. but it does affect you.) Once you come out, you have a sense of freedom and liberation and happiness that is indescribable. Even in the midst of all the chaos when I came out (and stayed out!) there was a sense of peace and relief. And no matter how hard they may try, no one can take that feeling away from you.

And for those who say that you're wrong, you're sinful, you're going to hell...

Believe what you believe. I came from a very religious, conservative family (hence the drama when I came out)- it took a lot of soul searching, a lot of nights of praying and crying and pleading with god to 'straighten' me out... until I realized that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Who am I hurting by being gay? Some may argue my family... but it is their judgment and prejudice that is hurting them, not my actions. Myself or my partner? My love for my partner is totally unconditional, selfless, passionate, and fulfilling. No one can tell me that what we have is wrong, dirty, selfish, sinful... if my feelings for her were simply a 'sinful lust' that I've tried to develop into a half-way relationship (since gay relationships can never be as fulfilling as straight ones, according to some) then why would I have fought tooth and nail to make it this far? Would I have chosen to walk away from my family if my sexuality weren't something essential to who I was that I could not deny if I ever hoped to live happily?

People will try to tell you that you are weak for giving in to the 'temptation' to be gay- that you are 'weak' for being in a gay relationship-

But I'll tell you right now, you are STRONG for being who you are in the face of adversity. You are STRONG for being unashamedly you. You are STRONG for knowing who you are and refusing to waiver in that because someone challenges you.

You are only weak when you change to appease those around you and fit the ideals of a religion that attempts to convince you that a loving god created you to be forever flawed and defective.

Hope this helps, and if you have any other questions or feedback, please post- I'd be happy to share more (since, as long as this was, it is a very abridged version of my own story).

Good luck with everything!

[jwilson10]

You are the same age as my best friend who I used to hang out with all the time back in Tennessee before I went to college. She let me know a couple months ago she was gay,and it hurt me a lot to find out she was gay because I'm in love with her. She had never wanted to be and had been trying not to be for a long time. I know she's really afraid to come out and tell anyone about it as well, but through my experience being with her as her best friend. Is you need to be yourself as much as possible, and if people won't be accepting of you go find at least one person who will be accepting of you. So you can have someone to share those things that you should have the right to express freely to someone that will accept them and as your friend no matter what you say respect what you say and love you for who you are. I am Tennesseean that would love to be your friend, and would love to help you in whatever way I can.