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DisturbedRN · Sep 23, 2009, 07:59 PM

I know one of the other members had written responses about this, but I had looked this up last year, and I think in NC after 18 months or something like that, an absent parent CAN lose his (or her) rights, if they can't be located to come forth and fight for their rights. My grandsons are 3 and almost 2, I'm not worried about the baby, my daughter was wise not to put him on the baby's birth certificate, as they were already seperated, and he has never seen him, and has her maiden name. The trouble comes with the oldest, they were married, he was a pothead, but sane, and he became abusive a little at a time (one arrest for hitting Brit and resisting arrest), crazy a little at a time, he has been arrested a few times and committed a few times (no real psychiatric diagnosis-polysubstance abuse and psycosis related to drug abuse) But then he thought he was a prophet, and advanced up through the heavenly ranks to Jesus and then to God himself (finally arrested on his birthday after walking in our cabin and telling us it was his birthday, he could do what he wants, then proceeding to several churches nearby to demand their tithes, because they were his through the Lord Jesus who was his son, and then during a distraction by the congregation the sheriff's were finally able to apprehend him, also finding a large bag of weed in the car). The magistrate told us she had never seen someone act as delusional one moment and straight up normal then violent and threatening from minute to minute. That was it for him. Do I want my grandsons around this? Do they deserve better? Yes. We do not want his money, we want him legally out of his life. He is at the age when you call your kids by their full names when they are being bad, and I refuse to do that. He doesnt deserve to have a child named after him. Maybe later, another child with another woman after he straightens his life out. In NC, what do I do? Go to the courthouse, have me or my daughter file for abandonment? The last address know is the last place they lived together, he used to walk around in the country with his Bible, preaching crazy biblical interpretations, I think he is back to prophet status now, but noone has seen him locally for awhile, but my parents got a phone call from him, probably, from a county jail about 2 hours away, maybe 3 months ago. Wouldnt accept the charges. His parents know where we live; no birthday cards for either #2 or #3, and none for the baby, neither. These boys are beautiful and smart and I want to do what I can for them, with the least amount of drama as possible. And while they are young. Does NC follow through with abandonment of children and can it be done with simple filing at the courthouse, or am I really going to have to exhaust every bit of my tax refund and then some to have tis take care of? If so, I better start kicking up the OT a notch. I just dont want a fight, I want to ease his life and his feel for obligatory responsibilities-but I will fight, and their mother will fight with me; right now she knows whats best for them. Hopefully one day she will be whats best. Any ideas or suggestions? I keep reading different things online, or am re-reading them since tax/money season is coming back around again, and I want to be sure what it is I need to be looking for or to be doing for my boys. :) Thanks for any advice.

stevetcg · Sep 23, 2009, 08:06 PM

You won't fight anything. Sorry - you have no rights in this.

Courts are very unlikely to issue a termination of parental rights unless there is someone to adopt. Abandonment laws MAY apply in cases where the mother has remarried and the husband wants to adopt... but not just to have his rights taken away. He isn't using them anyway. The mother can file for full custody and no visitation. Easy peasy.

stevetcg · Sep 23, 2009, 08:07 PM

Also wanted to add... doesn't matter if his name is on the birth certificate and what the baby's name is... father still has the same rights.

Cedarln2265 · Sep 23, 2009, 08:25 PM

NC just changed their laws 6/2008 regarding termination. Steve is right better to go for full custody... it's a sad situation but the main responsibility is the mother when the father drifts out of the picture at least for the time being. It is too bad about the grandparents they'll be missing out on a lot of good times. Good luck

DisturbedRN · Sep 23, 2009, 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by stevetcg

You wont fight anything. Sorry - you have no rights in this.

Courts are very unlikely to issue a termination of parental rights unless there is someone to adopt. Abandonment laws MAY apply in cases where the mother has remarried and the husband wants to adopt... but not just to have his rights taken away. He isnt using them anyway. The mother can file for full custody and no visitation. Easy peasy.

OK then let me ask this-if the mother files for full custody and no visitation, including no child support, then if she were to get married, adoption by the bio father would not be an issue? The new "father" could adopt since there are no ties to the biodad?

I would happily adopt the boys, I was just avoiding it cause I am hoping the mother will soon get her life straight and on the right course so they can have one real parent that will take care of them and love them, but if she cannot pull that off, and I have read that it is difficult for me to extract that right from her, all the things I would need to prove (laziness, selfishness, and lack of motivation are not very good proof I know) that she is a hazard to the boys would be near impossible. It is the father that concerns me. Laziness and lack of motivation is not something to worry about-not real good exposure as a parental figure to look up to, but not dangerous. But, the father... he is unstable. Being a nurse, the majority of unstable people I see and deal with, well they have that term unstable for a reason.

His name is Marcus James Durden, we call him MJ, and I have threatened death to the daycare workers if one of them calls him Marcus again :). Marcus Durden he gets from his father, so I am wanting to change his name. I know that that can be done, simple, just change Marcus to Marc (can still call him MJ) and the last name to his mothers maiden name, which is what the baby's name already is. Not sure who can change it though-Brit is the mother, can she change it? The older he gets the more I stress out about this. I want to try to do what I can or find out as much as I can before I have to spend every last one of my dimes (which are really the boys dimes anyways) to handle this.

DisturbedRN · Sep 23, 2009, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by Cedarln2265

NC just changed their laws 6/2008 regarding termination. Steve is right better to go for full custody ...it's a sad situation but the main responsibility is the mother when the father drifts out of the picture at least for the time being. It is too bad about the grandparents they'll be missing out on a lot of good times. good luck

Thank you :)

stevetcg · Sep 24, 2009, 05:05 AM

Originally Posted by DisturbedRN

OK then let me ask this-if the mother files for full custody and no visitation, including no child support, then if she were to get married, adoption by the bio father would not be an issue? The new "father" could adopt since there are no ties to the biodad?

I would happily adopt the boys, I was just avoiding it cause I am hoping the mother will soon get her life straight and on the right course so they can have one real parent that will take care of them and love them, but if she cannot pull that off, and I have read that it is difficult for me to extract that right from her, all the things I would need to prove (laziness, selfishness, and lack of motivation are not very good proof I know) that she is a hazard to the boys would be near impossible. It is the father that concerns me. Laziness and lack of motivation is not something to worry about-not real good exposure as a parental figure to look up to, but not dangerous. But, the father....he is unstable. Being a nurse, the majority of unstable people I see and deal with, well they have that term unstable for a reason.

His name is Marcus James Durden, we call him MJ, and I have threatened death to the daycare workers if one of them calls him Marcus again :). Marcus Durden he gets from his father, so I am wanting to change his name. I know that that can be done, simple, just change Marcus to Marc (can still call him MJ) and the last name to his mothers maiden name, which is what the babys name already is. Not sure who can change it though-Brit is the mother, can she change it? The older he gets the more I stress out about this. I want to try to do what I can or find out as much as I can before I have to spend every last one of my dimes (which are really the boys dimes anyways) to handle this.

If the new father wanted to adopt, they would need the consent of the biological father to do so. To legally change the child's name, the biological fathers consent is ALSO required.

You can call the child anything you want though.

As for you adopting, you cannot without the consent of BOTH parents. And its permanent... not just something to do while she gets her life back together.

DisturbedRN · Sep 24, 2009, 05:32 AM

Crap. Thank you.. I appreciate the info. I reckon I'm going to hafta look at this from a different perspective.

Cedarln2265 · Sep 24, 2009, 06:24 AM

It is difficult... is there anyone that you have available to help you deal with this situation from an outsiders perspective? I've found the best suggestions come from what I at the time considered the least likely source. :) good luck

DisturbedRN · Sep 24, 2009, 09:10 AM

In spite of my job (nurse), I am not much of a people person, and don't really talk about, well REAL things with people. I guess that's why I am on here looking into options and the best/easiest/most affordable/least taxing on the kids ways to go around making their life as best as I can. My parents... but they see things the way I do, so they can't offer much of an alternative point of view. It will come down to me working some overtime for awhile, saving money and then using tax refund to hire a lawyer-which I am willing to do if that's what I have to do. I was just hoping to do as much as I could on my own. I do appreciate the advice and the suggestions. :)