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ewhitlock83 · Jul 28, 2009, 07:21 AM

I only have one word to respond to this post:

AMEN!

The Captain · Aug 3, 2009, 08:32 AM

I have just read this... amazing when something happens, you Google for advice etc...
Well my story... I'm 35 my gf/ex is 23... we have been going out for 2.5 years, living together for most of this. Anyhow... all was good, until I got fed-up after 9 months... I was distant and cold... and was like this for 2 months... I felt I wanted freedom.. so she left me... well... it was so pianful... I begged her to come back and she would not... I must have cried down the phone for days... I did it, because I knew she loved me... anyhow I knew where she hung out and went there one evening and say her with a guy... I felt sick... never had a feeling like that before... to see my beautiful princess with someone else... they were supposedly friends, she was down and to make herself feel better invited this guy over from Italy... anyhow more on this later... but after a few more days, she came back to me... and things were great again for a while...
She has her place and I have mine... then my mum came to stay with me for 6 months... so I felt I had to spend my time between 2 apartments... this was tiring... and I ended up staying more at mine... well this did not go down well.. and she became more difficult... we started to argue more.. she then at one point in a heated argument told me she kissed that guy when we were not together... I felt I had been hit by a bus... she cried and apologised and because I loved her said fine... but my annoyance was for 2 reasons... she had no right to tell me, but also we were talking on the phone a lot and she knew she was coming back, and in fact she came back 2 days after the kiss... ok we were not together, but we were in a way... took a few weeks to heal... but I stuck with it but then I began to miss the single life... anyhow my mum went back and she moved back to mine... things were fine again... but the arguments were still present... she was going on holiday back to Italy, and I was due to join her... but I declined, lost money on my ticket... but I had a dose of being single to see if I wanted the single life or not... she was hurt, especially when I said "stupidly" it's not working... I then again had regrets... and she seemed fine... the day that she was due to come home she called and said she will stay an extra week... that's when things changed... she became colder, more distant... she then texted me saying that she has been thinking and does not feel she wants to try anymore... she would not listen to me...
She got back yesterday and I went to see her... it's so difficult to be with someone, but be different with them, not being loving... I wanted to hold her, but was scared that the feelings she would have would not be the same... she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent... I, a 35 year old man, cried like a baby... I just feel I have ruined everything... end of the day, I caused this... I tried to reason with her, as I can't believe love can become significantly less so suddenly... because she was my everything and I hers... I have lost 5kgs in the past few weeks, which is not a bad thing... but I'm destroyed... I went out partying and was not interested in anything...
I suppose this is the regret phase, where I feel emptiness etc... but it really is difficult. Reading this article helps a lot.

I'm due to go to a councillor with her tonight... I think she wants out, but it's not 100%... hoping the councillor might help me out... I think her mum influenced her decision...

But the problem is also that the issues that cause the unhappiness will no doubt arise... unless I can compromise more... I have been difficult...
Anyway, I just feel so weak and I should be stronger at my age...

Needed to get this off my chest... but wow.. the pain!

getyourexback · Aug 4, 2009, 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by The Captain

she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent

She just gave you a very valuable clue.

This person you have become is not the one she fell in love with, but you can't get that old person back... Why?

Because that guy wasn't happy either... understand?

You are in the midst of a personal evolution but if you don't grab control of it, it will continue to go in the wrong direction.

You have to stop chasing her and properly initiate no contact, you're only driving her farther away.

The counselor might've been a good idea when the problems started, but now you need to get yourself in order first before trying to start a "new" relationship with her, understand?

I suggest you use the no contact rule to not only start to pull her back towards you, but to give you the time you need to evolve.

The problem here is you are trying to rush the evolution and hold on to her at the same time... but you can't.

You have to let her go for now (using NC) and follow a good plan to help you evolve and heal to prepare for the reconnection stage.

Once you start the reconnection stage, if necessary at that point this would be a good time to introduce the counseling... make sense?

If you want more information about NC and my free step by step plan... let me know, OK?

friend4u178 · Aug 4, 2009, 04:04 PM

Hi "getyourexback"
Might be an idea if you post your advice on The Captains own thread (see link below ), probably more chance of him seeing it there.

Thanks

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lt-382923.html

amicon · Aug 27, 2009, 06:31 AM

Hi M .this says it all! You should write a book. :-)

kellmybell · Sep 13, 2009, 11:09 AM

I really appreciated this post! Thanks

Rize · Sep 21, 2009, 04:05 PM

Brilliant! SO TRUE!

thecatmando · Sep 22, 2009, 05:30 AM

Very tru

windstoper · Oct 3, 2009, 11:10 AM

Every bit of that :)was spot on.

Something_Here · Oct 6, 2009, 03:10 PM

My girlfriend broke up with me earlier today, I'm in pain right now. Reading your post helped a little, thanks.

bratt_y · Oct 12, 2009, 03:43 AM

Each word, each sentence on that post was amazingly helpful. Thank you so much, I am in that position at the moment and yes my heart still hurts :( , but I will be strong... I will

vintagedoll1940 · Oct 12, 2009, 08:19 AM

Amazing I wish I couldve stumbled upon this when I needed it most :-( but bravo.

Dr3wx360 · Oct 13, 2009, 08:46 PM

Yes mate forsure an amazing piece of work. The way your worded it and the examples used. It was awsome. Great job.

lonelymomma2 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:07 AM

This has opened my eyes greatly, it has been 17 months for me and I have been dating someone for 9 of those, I see know I am still broken and I have no business in this new relationship. And the whole part about I will never love again the same way or no one will love me the same way. THat hit so far home! I am grateful to have stumbled on to this.

p042236 · Oct 23, 2009, 02:05 PM

Wow! I've litrally just broken up with my boyfriend 2 days ago and after reading this I think I can pull through it :)
Thanks for writing this amazing post!

dragonfly16 · Oct 23, 2009, 11:26 PM

Soooooo true everything written here by Friend4u,, when you feel so alone, and can hardly bear your own skin... remember there are literally thousands of people feeling this pain... I have been broken up with my boyfriend now for 3 months and have been in a state of abject misery for all of it... every day, every hour, every minute he is in my heart and mind. The man is in the very core of me... now it seems I am worse than I was at the outset of the breakup. My everyday life is a struggle... and the feeling from everyone here is 'time is a healer'... so I wonder whe that actually starts to happen.As we are all individuals I guess each case is the same. Wasted or spent so much time reading how to move on... you know all the usual stuff about starting new hobbies, new interests etc etc... wow... just to be able to get out of the house is a big step...
Working week is when we have to go out and do what we do... come the weekend... my main passtime is pacing the floor, boring friends over and over with my grief. So what happened back there I ask myselfl? Before 'HIM' and during our relationship I had interests and hobbies... and now to even step out there and become involved again doesen't inspire me at all. Thankfully I am able to keeep up some kind of cheerful front for my daughter... perhaps that's where all my energy is going maintaining a happy and normal homelife for her, so there is little left for me to recover. Any thoughts anyone :rolleyes:

friend4u178 · Oct 24, 2009, 01:33 PM

Hi Dragonfly
Why don't you post your own story in a new thread , you'll find lots of people who'll help you to learn how to move on.

I'll keep an eye out myself for your story.

ExquisiteC · Oct 25, 2009, 06:01 PM

Thank you for posting this. Even though I was the one that ended it. It still hurts but like you said I'll be fine.

3someone3 · Oct 26, 2009, 06:37 PM

I'm writing an process essay on how to get over someone. Do you mind if I use some of the things you said here? They are just really good, you know that, we all know that

friend4u178 · Oct 26, 2009, 06:46 PM

Go for it :)