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heartbroken916 · Sep 20, 2009, 11:59 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 or so months and we've lived together for a year. About 6 months ago, he told me that he thinks I am fat and unattractive. I love him so much but I just can't be with someone who doesn't find me sexy, especially when I know that I am. I pretty much attract every guy but him. I just don't know what to do. I only want to be with him but I just can't keep feeling inadequate and unwanted to and by him. Please help me.

I just had to add that I've lost near 15 lbs and am practically anorexic at this point and its still not good enough

amicon · Sep 21, 2009, 12:29 AM

This sounds like emotional abuse.Can you give us some more details about your relationship please?

Starry nights · Sep 21, 2009, 03:02 AM

If you are saying(and feeling)that this guy MAKES you feel unattractive,then you KNOW in your heart,he's not good enough for you.You shouldn't even think twice before you dump him,because,a self-respecting individual will never allow ANYBODY,least of all,the love of their life,to demean them.If you are doing that,you are giving someone else the complete right to hurt your dignity and respect.

Would you allow that?

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 03:11 AM

You really want to be with this man?

He insults you,he disrespects you,he demeans you and takes chunks out of your confidence and self esteem.

Why?

Is he perfect?

Is his body Gods gift to woman?

If you can attract someone with a bit of class and treats you with respect,I would do it,kick his sorry ar*e to the curb and get on been happy again.

Gemini54 · Sep 21, 2009, 04:56 AM

I just can't keep feeling inadequate and unwanted to and by him

You're practically anorexic and he still thinks you're fat and unattractive? No wonder you feel inadequate, clearly there is no pleasing this man.

I just can't be with someone who doesn't find me sexy, especially when I know that I am

There is your answer. Why would you stay with him? If your BF says things that make you feel ugly and unattractive it's time to leave. His attitude towards you is corrosive and let's face it, as a woman, it's often a struggle to be confident about your body in today's society.

Why is this the only person that you want? He sounds like he has the sensitivity of a goat!

I wish · Sep 21, 2009, 05:19 AM

Why would you stay in a relationship where the other person doesn't respect you for who you are?

I'm would say dump and move on. You deserve better and I'm sure there is someone better for you out there since there is in fact over 6 billion people in the world today.

kctiger · Sep 21, 2009, 06:21 AM

It is clear that you are emotionally beaten up as NO woman should think that a comment like that is acceptable. I don't care how much you love him, there is no excuse for a remark like that. Leave the pig behind and find a man that knows how to treat a lady, as this ain't it! He has been with you for a year and a half and thinks you are fat and unattractive? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2009, 07:52 AM

He doesn't want a girlfriend or mate or partner. He wants someone he can control and he is doing that by attempting to make you feel like he is the only one who could ever want you.

He isn't. It is his own insecurities that he is showing. His fear that anyone would want to stay with him. He won't work on himself so he tries to put others down to keep them where he wants them.

Don't destroy yourself over this individual. You could be skin and bones and his type will still make those comments. It is his way of keeping you in check.

It is time to move away from him and work on loving yourself and healing the damage he is trying to cause.

IF you decide that YOU want to change your hair/weight/style of dress/etc. it should be because YOU want it not because of anyone else. You also should make the changes in a healthy way. Starving yourself is not healthy and will lead to more problems.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2009, 08:01 AM

Just so you know, he may not smack you around, but stabbing you in your heart is just as bad.

You don't need an abuser in your life.

heartbroken916 · Sep 21, 2009, 09:30 AM

OK so we're 19, met in high school, and when we first got together, he couldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was. I told him that I have zero self-esteem basically and he helped me gain so much confidence. Then come to find out one day, he tells me that he doesn't really think I'm attractive and need to lose weight. I was hurt, yes, and try to let it go. But it just keeps coming up everywhere. Like, for instance, he'll say he's wants a petite girl and I will never be petite, I'm 6'1'' and have a large frame. I know he does truly love me and its not all about the physical attraction with him (or so he says) but he can't change the way he feels. Yes I have become anorexic, I eat less than 700 calories a day, some days I skip eating, but now that I've lost weight, my stretch marks are more noticeable and he's bothered by that. He really is a sweet guy and he really does love me, I know he does, but I'm not sure I can stay in a relationship based on lies and based on me changing every aspect of who I am to please some unattainable fantasy he has in his head... thanks to the media and the lovely invention of airbrushing and plastic surgery, I will never be good enough for him. I know I am young but I really thought this could last forever, until I found out that I don't turn him on in the slightest. I just, I don't know. I don't want to leave but I can't be hurt anymore.

Thank you so much for your replies everyone, they're very helpful

kctiger · Sep 21, 2009, 09:32 AM

This has nothing to do with the media or the like and everything to do with how inconsiderate your boyfriend is. Unless your boyfriend is Brad Pitt I doubt he has much room to be bashing you for your looks. He needs to grow up and act like a gentlemen, not a complete jerk. You stay with him and the emotional beatdown will continue. Give me a break! Don't make excuses for his piss poor behavior. If he can't accept you for who you are then screw him. You shouldn't have to mold yourself into his ideal girlfriend. If he thinks he is such a stud let him go out and get a "model" so you can find a man, and not a boy.

I wish · Sep 21, 2009, 09:38 AM

Don't let this disrespectful guy bring you down so much. He's just one man in the entire planet. You can't take everything he says so literally and so absolute. There are so many other people in the world and everyone else is going to have a different opinion. His opinion does not represent the entire world.

That being said, you should not be with someone who doesn't like you for you. He clearly doesn't respect you and wishes that you were someone else. That already tells us that he's not actually in love with you. He's living in a fantasy world hoping that you were someone else.

I'd say, leave him. There are so many other people in the world. You should find someone who respects and appreciates you for who you are. And let him go off trying to fulfill his fantasy.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2009, 09:41 AM

No he is not a good guy, and he wants to remake you in his own image, sorry but that's Gods job, not his.

I know I am young but I really thought this could last forever,

We all think that in the beginning, but we learn.

until I found out that I don't turn him on in the slightest.

That's not your fault, its his. And it really has nothing to do with you or how you look, its about the screwed up way he thinks.

I just, I don't know. I don't want to leave but I can't be hurt anymore.

You may not want to go now, but I think you see this will get worse, and you will keep being hurt even more.

That's why you leave NOW!! Before it gets worse, or you start having health issues.

No one should be forced to be something they are not, and real love and caring accepts who you are, he doesn't, so what does that tell you.

kctiger · Sep 21, 2009, 09:53 AM

Heart: You need not validate your beauty with us. It is you we are worried about. Please also be careful about posting your name in a public arena. While we are here to help, you never know what may come of it and it is always advised to use caution when doing so.

I just hope that you can honestly look at yourself and admire what you see. What others think is not important. It is you that matters.

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2009, 11:12 AM

KC, that should read: even Brad Pitt doesn't have room to talk. (dang cat walking on keyboard.)

Heartbroken, what he did was build up the foundation under you so that his word means more. Then he started tearing it out so that all you have left is him.

He isn't the only person in the world. His attitude if nothing else is causing you to hurt yourself. That alone is enough to send him packing.

88sunflower · Sep 21, 2009, 11:19 AM

Love is unconditional. Simple as that. If he is setting these standards for you to follow your wasting your time. Someone out there will love you for you. He will be left alone with his fantasy. I am sure he isn't perfect and his own insecurites show in his comments to you.

earthmama · Sep 21, 2009, 11:39 AM

I agree 100% that this is emotional abuse. It sounds like he is trying to'"keep you down".He is probably afraid of losing you.If, he lowers your self-confidence,you'll be a lot less likely to leave him.(in his mind).I know how hard it is to leave an abusive man. Abuse almost always escalates and becomes worse and worse over time.Don't allow his shortcomings to ruin your confidence.Please,try to eat healthy foods.Life is way too short to be held down,by a person like this.He won't change for the better.I am sorry for your pain. Good luck to you.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 22, 2009, 10:20 AM

I deleted the Facebook link, I am not sure poster realised the 1000's of people that read these posts and some of the nut cases that may read them. Deleted for her protection.

And he is a jerk, even if you were 300 lbs he should love you as you are.

Starry nights · Sep 22, 2009, 10:17 PM

Fr_Chuck; I deleted the Facebook link, I am not sure poster realised the 1000's of people that read these posts and some of the nut cases that may read them. Deleted for her protection.

You are an absolutely sweet person for doing this.Heart,trust me,we all are here to help and protect you from hurting your ownself.By constantly finding excuses for his pathetic behaviour,you are indirectly,hurting your own self esteem and lovable self.Any form of abuse(mental or physical)cant be equated with love.Once you get out of this situation and look back on it,you will be surprised you actually glorified it and the loser of a guy so very much.You need to just get out of it to see the truth.