[shell28]

Hello, this is my first post I am hoping someone can help me make sense of the way I am feeling right now as I am so confused and don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. I will try not to make it too long anyway here goes. I am 28 years old and was living with my fiancé for 4 years up until 3 months ago when he moved out after a huge row. We hadn't been getting along for a while, arging about silly little things all the time, the first couple of years were great we fell in love really quickly but for some reason in the last 18 months or so I noticed that we drifed apart a great deal. It used to get me down quite badly as I felt like he never showed me any love or affection at all I always used to try and talk to him but he never wanted to accept anything was wrong even though our sex life was non existent, I don't really know what went wrong but I was still devastated when he walked out, I also have a 9 year old daughter, she thins the world of him and is also hurting through all of this. We have spoken daily on the phone since he left and he still comes down at least 3 times a week to see myself and my daughter. For the first few weeks I found it really hard, I couldn't stop crying and felt as if my whole world had fallen apart, he assured me he wasn't going forever he still tells me he loves me but he told me he needs to be on his own for a while, he has admitted that things weren't right between us and wants us to try and just be friends for a while and see if we can get back to the way we were in the beginning, I have been holding on to his word all this time but I still don't see any changes I don't know if we are destined to be just friends, I don't know whether I should keep holding on or not because it hurts and to make things even more complicated I ended up having a one night stand a couple of weeks ago, I feel guilty about it but at the same time I can't stop thinking about this guy I have seen him out and about and would love to have one more night with him, I don't even understand anymore what it is I truly want I do love my fiancé and I know he loves me I am just so confused about whether I should keep hoping and waiting for things to get better between us, I just don't see him making any effort, I feel that if he truly loves me and misses me he would have came back by now or at least tried to get closer to me or show his feelings I hate trying to be his friend when I wish for so much more but then at the same time I am enjoying iny freedon of being single having nights out with the girls and this other guy who is only years old is constantly in my mind should I try and sort things out with my fiancé or accept it is over and tell him it is over I am scared I will always regret it if I finish with him and I will go back to being unhappy but I am also scared that I get back with him and I am still not happy I feel like I am going mad I hope someone can give me an honest opinion on what I should do, I know I have to make a decision soon on what to do I am also scared that I won't be able to keep this from my fiancé, if we did get back together I will have to live with the guilt sorry for rambling on I appreciate the time you have taken to read my post and welcome any feedback good or bad

[DJ 'H']

I really fell your pain and frustration - I was in a relationship much the same a few years ago |(only we were not married and there was no children involved). However pretty much the same thing as you have described happened between he and I and he left me saying very much the same thing - he just needed some space - some time on his own; wanted to remain friends etc - but it all came out later down the track that he had cheated on me and then left me for some other women. He is was not coming back, he did not need space - he just did not want me anymore and di not have the balls to be honest. I was a mess for months but soon found my way and myself and realised just how much happier I was without him - and in some ways I am very grateful he let me go (even though it wasn't the best way too) - but I would not be me today or have the life I have today if he hadn't.

I am not saying this is the case with your husband - but just saying that things are not always as balck & white and sometimes people cannot always be upfront and hionest when they feel they are trying to protect. They never realise they are doing more harm than good!

The only advice I can give youi (bearing in mind your daughter) is to just let things cool off for a while, keep contact with him to a minimum for your daughters sake and just have some time out. Find your inner self and then floow what your instincts tell you. Don't push him, don't nag him and don't let him see you fall apart. Be strong and hang in there - everything will work out for the best and you will be ok; I promise. If things ecer get a bit tough then please please come and talk to ujs here at AMHD - we are always ready and waiting to chat and help the best way we can.

[rol]

Hi there,
I totally understand you, I've had the same thing happen to me this year and after 5 months of 'friendship' he told me he wanted his life alone but wants to be friends, so I said I can not just be friends and now I am in no contact.

So my advice is... (the same as the previous poster)
Get on with your life and your daughter, get new activities ,DO NOT CONTACT HIM,if he contacts you don't be at his beck and call,do not bring up the relationship at all,
Be unavailable, call him back a day late, mysterious about what you been doing. Let him see a happy content you without him.. do not try and convince him of anything(this is the critical part)


Don't mention the one night stand for now.Forget about it.. for now.. Perhaps after all this if ye get back together you could mention it, main thing now is to start living your life like he is not coming back.

Good luck, contact me if you need to talk.. I know exactly how this situation feels

[rol]

<<and this other guy who is only years old is constantly in my mind >>
I would advise you not to jump into any new relationship for now. Learn and grow from this one and the mistakes caused.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi there,

This one night stand you speak of is irrelevant in this situation. You are both separated, forgive me if I am wrong, but you are officially separated right?

Separation means you have time to yourself, he has time to himself, you are free to do what you like and he is too. You have no reason to feel guilty under these circumstances, since you have done nothing wrong and have not cheated.

I can understand the guilt you feel but this really has nothing to do whatsoever with your relationship with him because of the separation.

I am with Rol to be honest, I would be inclined to say keep contact to a minimum but for your daughter's sake, don't prevent contact from him.. Waiting for him will probably do more harm than good since there is a chance that he won't be back, at least not in the way that you may want..

You also need to think about what you want, if he were to come back, it seems to me that there are changes that need to be made for the relationship to succeed second time around and this is a bridge you would both need to cross when you reach it TOGETHER!

I understand your confusion and how upsetting being stuck in limbo can be and hope that it works out for the best for you, and your daughter!

I'm sure you will get some more advice on this one..

[rol]

<<We hadn't been getting along for a while, arging about silly little things all the time, the first couple of years were great we fell in love really quickly but for some reason in the last 18 months or so I noticed that we drifed apart a great deal. It used to get me down quite badly as I felt like he never showed me any love or affection at all I always used to try and talk to him but he never wanted to accept anything was wrong even though our sex life was non existant>>

These are issues you need to address now, maybe communication skills with him need to be greatly improved? Did you tell him how you felt when he didn't show you love and affection? Did you ask him for what you want and need ? What kind of things did you argue over for example?

[Geoffersonairplane]

I know a lot about drifting apart, me and my ex did, not for the same reasons but rol is right, communication is key and it is so easy to not see the signs that things are going wrong or need to be addressed before it is too late.

I was so in love that I did not want to accept that my ex wanted out of the relationship for a while, so I ignored the signs.. And only now, post breakup can I see that there were many clues that things were going wrong!!

Don't beat yourself up about it though, it is a learning experience and can be used to your advantage for the future..

[rol]

<<scared I will always regret it if I finish with him and I will go back to being unhappy but I am also scared that I get back with him and I am still not happ>>

Next point:
Well you do not seem happy with or without him. Try working for now on your own hapiness and become a happy person with or without him. This could be the key of the whole problem.

[rol]

Don't beat yourself up about it though, it is a learning experience and can be used to your advantage for the future.. [/QUOTE]


Exactly she still has a chance to work this all out. He is still seeing her 3 times a week which is a good sign

[shell28]

I would just like to say thank you for you're your comments and advice everyone they are much appreciated. I will keep you informed of the outcome of my situation but for now I am going to take the advice given to me and try not to be at his beck and call, I feel as if I am being selfish in a way because if he wants to come and visit through the week I am fine with that as I would just be sitting alone after 9pm when my daughter is in bed, but over the last few weeks I have been enjoying having loads of girly nights in and out and don't make any plans with him at the weekend, I know I shouldn't feel guilty if I tell him I can't see him but I can't help how I feel. Anyway once again thanks for taking the time to read my post and give me some sound advice.

[talaniman]

Never feel guilty about looking out for your needs and doing what you enjoy. That's what life is all about.