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Sinder · Sep 17, 2009, 08:07 AM

Last night, while chatting to my ex girlfriend, she told me why she broke up with me.
Over the summer, we had tried to do some sexual things, and I'd failed to turn her on. Apparently that's why she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It seems so out of context, because throughout the entire relationship (about 19 months) she had always told me she wanted to be with me forever, or what I thought about us getting married. I just don't understand, these two things seem so unrelated. But nevertheless I'm devastated and I feel like such a failure for not being able to turn her on or stimulate her in the slightest.

I know that I'm not supposed to blame myself, but it's so easy to. And now we've gone back to our different colleges, she seems to be handling life perfectly, and having a great time. It seems again so inconsistent with how I would feel if I'd lost my dreams. Which is the way I'm feeling now. She told me something like... that was the only reason, everything else was perfect. But this doesn't make sense at all! If everything was so perfect, then why not try to work this issue out?

I'm in a bit of a low now guys... could use any help or perspectives, especially from the female side, since I'm really clueless about a lot of this.

kctiger · Sep 17, 2009, 08:20 AM

You were basically told you didn't turn her on sexually. That is a solid blow to any man's ego. I would focus on your current issues, school and all and try to realize that this type of stuff happens. The lack of effort to communicate this issue with you when it actually happened is proof that she probably wasn't as into the relationship as you were. I would imagine there were bigger issues than this, but is became an easy way out for her.

harriejansen · Sep 17, 2009, 08:38 AM

It is not your fault. I think her reason sucks. Try to get her out of your head, no contact. You are way more into her than she into you, it looks like it won't work, also being in different colleges maybe can make it relatively easy for you to get her out of your system.

none12345 · Sep 17, 2009, 08:41 AM

I think there is more to the reason why you broke up. Breaking up just because you didn't turn her on sounds like an excuse. Oh well no point dwelling in that, keep yourself busy and you will find someone new.

BMI · Sep 17, 2009, 08:44 AM

How is it your fault for not turning her on sexually? What remedies could you have come up with to save the situation? If agirl does not find me attractive well... then... ok, can't really do too much about that.

That being said, this girl sounds like a real piece of work to me. I do think other issues were at play here but to come out and say that is something awful. How did the relationship last 19 months if this was such a problem? Why did she date you in the first place? Doesn't add up.

You'll do much better than her, don't let her get to you my man.

Best of luck and hope you feel better.

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 09:08 AM

Your not a mind reader, so how are you supposed to know what turns her on in the sack? She has issues beyond what turns her on my friend, and no way should you take her rejection personally.

Romefalls19 · Sep 17, 2009, 09:36 AM

Well, if she was interested in the long term, she would have told you what turned her on in the first place. I know for a fact that my fiancé, and a lot of girls I know have no trouble saying "No, not doing anything for me" and guys do the same. There were bigger reasons to the break up, believe me

CrazyThumper · Sep 17, 2009, 09:55 AM

Sinder- don't get down on yourself at all. Like the others said, this is NOT your fault. You were probably satisfied right? And you probably thought she was also since she never addressed it, or mentioned any negative emotions towards the sex? We ARE NOT mind readers- but we are very good at listening when we want to be. If my GF tells me "I would love for you to do this, it drives me nuts" then I'm going to do it, or give it a try. If she doesn't say anything, and then complains? She can go scratch... people don't get what they want in LIFE without speaking up. And if there was no communication about the topic, then the original issue was just that- communication...

Keep your head up!! She made excuses, let HER deal with that..
Thumper

Sinder · Sep 17, 2009, 11:44 AM

I see what you guys are saying, and thanks for understanding about that kc, it really is a big blow to my ego... I mean like I've had other girlfriends and there was no problems with this before. But as to a point that's being raised a lot, she did actually tell me that it wasn't working for her. And we wondered about why it was... because it seemed that she was turned on at other times while we were talking, but very rarely by something I actually did. That's why I felt so irrelevant to the whole thing. But as she hardly knows what turns her on, I don't know how she would tell me. I do think the whole thing is really stupid though. It just frustrates and kind of offends me. But I like what thumper said as well, how if she won't deal with the issue, then it's not my place to deal with it either. I should let her sort through the rest of the issue by herself.

It's just hard to imagine that I can't turn her on at all. I mean like I'm not unattractive or defective in any way that I can imagine would be a turn off. So while I can like imagine that it's her issue, in my mind it becomes mine... :( If you know what I mean.

kctiger · Sep 17, 2009, 11:51 AM

You don't date a guy for 19 months without him turning you on... don't let this get to you. There are other issues at hand and I am not sure why she chose to tell you this anyway, seems a bit cold to me. Bottom line, you are a good guy and things will be looking up. Screw her!

Imabadman · Sep 17, 2009, 12:09 PM

Wow... talk about a kick in the junk. That's just harsh.

You've got have to move on buddy.

destiny09 · Sep 18, 2009, 05:08 AM

Did you ever get the feeling she didn't fancy you really? For some girls, not including myself, you have what's called a good on paper boyfriend, which means, you might not especially fancy them but live in hope you will grow to but everything else is what you would want in a boyf... the problem starts when you spend time together... it just doesn't work, the paper boyf is no longer in your imagination and is real and in front of you... TRUST ME when I say its nothing to do with you. This could have been anyone, she knows what she wants in a relationship in her imagination but real life doesn't always work out that way.

Move on from her, you will find someone who likes you for you, all of you and plenty of women will x

ps I hope that made sense!